Friday, December 19, 2008
"Do you need to reschedule?"
"No." (I wish.)
It's almost Christmas break! It will be nice to be home with my family and away from this place where everything is associated with a memory of Max.
Rachel on Friends is pregnant right now. I guess they're having a Friends marathon on TBS because that's all that came out of the TV last night... Pregnancy tests, dating while pregnant, on and on... I am not a fan of that show right now.
At our office Christmas party on Wednesday night, I got stuck talking to one of two very pregnant women in the large amount of people that were milling around. She was upset about not having a girl, and then upset about not being able to drink.... I held it together, though, and only burst into tears later, when I had left.
I have been to my Ob/Gyn's office five times in the past 12 days. That is a lot of pregnant women in one place. Even the 40-50 year olds appear to be having fertility luck these days.
It's time for a break from pregnant women. Luckily, I don't think anyone at home is pregnant. Please, God? At least if they are, let them keep their mouth shut about it!
Thursday, December 18, 2008
It turns out that the "tissue sample" I brought in on Friday wasn't tissue at all, but blood clots - that means that I lost 3 lbs. of BLOOD on Thursday night, not a sac at all! I felt kind of ridiculous that I didn't realize that it wasn't a sac... But how should I have known? The doctor and I think that what I passed on Sunday (after teaching 3 years olds and walking around all day) must have been the sac, especially because of my huge HCG drop from Friday to Monday. Poor Max didn't even get cremated (incinerated), just flushed like a dead fish. I'm so sorry, Max, for not attending to your little sac!
They took more blood today to check my HCG levels again. My poor vein was having such a hard time staying up, since it's been attacked three times this past week already, but thankfully she got the needle in the first time. I noticed another STAT label on the test tube, so maybe I'll get a call with those tonight. I am so sick of the lab at my hospital! Thankfully, I have at least the next two weeks off from going there.
Somehow I feel better about things after today's appointment. Well, not better, certainly not happy, but not so much despair. I'm thankful that I won't need a D&C (the doctor didn't even think we needed to do an ultrasound, she was so confident from my HCG levels) and I'm thankful that we can try again without anything stopping us. It's also nice to know that I don't need to go back to my Ob/Gyn's office until the next time I am pregnant. Phew, I feel like God has taken a huge burden off my shoulders. Thank you, Lord.
I miss you, Max. I'm happy to know that you are happy right now. Your mommy loves you!
UPDATE: Hooray! HCG levels are down to 170 (from 674 on Monday), which my doctor says "is great!" At least my body can do something right!!! (Wow, that is a lot of exclamation points.)
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Here is the text of the poem (which I have changed to be for a boy):
There is a very wee boy, who won't grow up at all.
Did your angel bear him gently, God, because he was so small?
I wondered that you bothered, its such a long, long way
From heaven to a Mother's heart, and not to let him stay.
A lifetime is so little, when it's only for a day.
Excuse the tears and pleading and bitterness I've shown,
I really did not understand that he was just a loan.
I forgot in all the sweetness and joy from day to day,
The little clothes preparing while he was on his way.
Somehow I never really thought he'd have so short a stay.
What sort of baby is he, God? I'm sure he is very good,
But if he cries, perhaps it's just the little blueish hood.
We dressed him pretty warmly to go so far away.
And I knew where he was going, he'd be longer than a day.
So, God, if you're not busy from the cares we give down here,
Will you please take just a minute to whisper in his ear
That I love him very dearly, that I'm glad he came my way,
That I close my eyes and see him.... Ah, God, just say
That I'm glad I was his mother, though it was just for a day.
Why do people think that another baby will replace this one? I think someone has even said to me, "Maybe it'll be twins next time!" How does that help? Why would two babies make up for losing one? It just won't. When June rolls around, I will not feel better about losing the baby that would have been born then, even if I have another baby to expect. I think people just don't want to deal with my grief.
I'm afraid to be pregnant again. How do I know that the next pregnancy won't end the exact same way? Doctors don't do anything after your first miscarriage to make sure you won't have a second. Sometimes they won't even do anything until after your third miscarriage! How could they force parents to go through this three times? I can't imagine that kind of pain, and still wanting to try after having so many losses.
This is what our baby should have looked like last week: http://mandiefrazier.blogspot.com/2008/03/oh-boy-maybe.html
Why is he gone? I want my baby back. I should have been given pictures last week, not pills.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
What can a mother say to the baby boy that she will never hold?
First of all, I miss you so much. From the moment we found out that you were no longer with us on earth, my heart broke into a thousand pieces. I will never completely heal from that break, and I know that I will always miss you, always wonder who you would have been and what you would have looked like. I miss not getting to hold you for the first time, I miss your first smile, your first day of kindergarten, your wedding, but mostly just YOU. Even though I only held you in my body for a few short weeks, you are my sweet baby boy, the one I will always long for.
Second, I am so sorry if it was my body that let you down in some way. I can't bear the thought that it might have been my fault that you died - it's tearing me to pieces. My only comfort is that your days were numbered by God, and that it was in His will and plan that your life would be so short. But I am sorry if I failed you in the short time that I was your mother.
Third, you are so precious to me. Even though I am sad right now, your life was such a blessing, and you gave your father and me so much joy and hope. You were wanted and longed for, and still are, and you will never be considered a mistake or an accident or a fluke. Even though I don't get to keep you as my child here on earth, every second of your life was worthwhile and good.
In the midst of my pain, I am so glad for some things. Most of all, I am glad that you are with Jesus. He loves little children and is a much better parent than your father or I ever could have been, so I am so glad that you are with Him, since you cannot be with us. I am also so thankful that you now have a perfect body. The doctors tell me that you probably had a problem that you never could have lived with on earth, and I am glad that you died before you even had a chance to experience pain. I am also exceedingly thankful that you will never experience sorrow. Your too-short life has given me my first truly broken heart, and I thank God over and over that you will never have to feel what that feels like. You get to walk in the presence of the Almighty God, and I cannot imagine the joy that you have right now.
I don't know what heaven's like, but I want you to find your two great-grandpas and your aunts and uncles, and make sure they give you plenty of hugs while I'm not there to give them to you. Grandpa Chuck is one of the best men that I ever knew, and I know he must be so happy to get to meet you. I can't wait to join you, little Max; I know that one day we will be together again, and my body and spirit truly are aching for that day.
I love you, Max, forever and ever and always.
It was a Tuesday that I had my first spot of red blood, and perhaps was the day that my baby died.
It was last Tuesday at this time in the morning that we saw not a squirming, kicking baby, but an empty sac.
I hate Tuesdays.
So, Lord, I need you to redeem Tuesdays. I'm going to start my healing today by telling you all that I named our baby Max Samuel, Max because that is the name that I heard last Saturday when I fell down the stairs and I worried that my baby might have died, and Samuel, "Because I asked the LORD for him." (I Samuel 1:20) May I cry out to God like Hannah, who did not become bitter, but gave her first born son to the Lord, even after many years of a closed womb. She is my new hero. How she did that, I will never understand.
I love you, my Max.
I forgot to tell my sweet husband "happy one and a half year anniversary" yesterday. I miss him so much (he's out of town for an interview, currently).
Jonny, I love you. You are everything that is good about life. I'm so thankful that you are there to make me laugh, and that you hardly ever make me cry. Losing a baby stinks, but I wouldn't want to do it with anyone else by my side. I love you forever and ever, my darling.
This is a great post by Mandie Lane, who had two miscarriages before going on to have a beautiful baby boy: http://mandiefrazier.blogspot.com/2007/10/things-not-to-say-to-me.html
Monday, December 15, 2008
The good news is that my basal body temperature was down this morning from the ~98.7 that it was during pregnancy and that it still was on Saturday, even though I had miscarried, to 97.9 degrees! That means I am well on my way towards my 97.5-ish that I normally am before ovulating. I also really hope that means that my HCG levels have dropped considerably and that I will soon be "not pregnant" to my body. I mean, come on, Body, the rest of the world has figured this out. Why can't you?
I am charting now because charting reveals a lot about your body's hormones and whether your cycles are normal or still "off" because of birth control pills, vitamin shortage, hormone levels, etc. It will help us to know when I am fertile (so we can avoid conceiving for the next two cycles) and may give us valuable information about why I am not fertile, if that happens for some reason.
By the way, I would just like to point out that I lost three pounds on Thursday night (not since Thursday night, ON Thursday night). Dude, that is a lot of blood/gestational sac. No wonder I almost died on Friday after walking around for a few hours.
I really miss my baby. I wish I knew for sure if he/she was a boy or girl, so that I could name him/her appropriately. I almost want to call my Ob/Gyn and beg them to test the tissue and find out. Can I do that? Maybe I will ask them on Thursday if they can do it.
They can't karyotype the tissue, because they would have needed to preserve it a different way. But, they did take my HCG levels again today, so they can tell me Thursday if they're going down or not. I officially declare this baby to have been a boy (sorry, baby, if you are actually a girl, but mommy needs to picture someone, not some genderless thing), and I'm going to name him if Jonathan doesn't mind. I'll let you know later what I pick.
My HCG levels are down from Friday at 4800 to today at 674. Praise be to God, and please pray that they keep dropping!
Friday, December 12, 2008
I went to the Ob/Gyn's office this afternoon with the tissue I had collected, and I have an appointment for next Thursday at 11:30 am. They will check my HCG levels to make sure they are going down (we got a base reading today) and also maybe an ultrasound to see if everything made it out of my uterus or not. Everybody pray that everything will have passed by then! I do NOT want surgery, especially the day before Christmas break!
You are welcome to read this post, but I am posting it more for people who may be about to go through a medical miscarriage with the use of Cytotec, because I couldn't find many people's experiences when I was searching online. I will warn you that I'm not going to mince my words, and this is certainly not material for anyone under the age of 18.
Love you all,
Before taking the pills, I had a very large lunch with a lot of protein and vegetables, drank a lot of water, and also took a prenatal vitamin. I lost a lot of blood during the miscarriage, and I think that the food and extra iron in my system was helpful towards not fainting. Plus, the Cytotec does create nausea, so I wasn't able to eat a whole lot later. I also took two Advil at this point (my doctor recommended an hour before placing the Cytotec), to help lower the pain of the initial cramping.
Yesterday at 1:50 pm, I inserted the 4 tablets of Misoprostol into the posterier fornix of my vagina. Emotionally, this was difficult to do, but not physically. I say it was difficult emotionally because this felt very much like an elective abortion (as if I was choosing to get rid of my baby), but of course it was not. Our baby died long enough ago that we couldn't even find a body on the ultrasound.
By 2:30, the cramping began. The instructions said it would probably take 2-4 hours to begin, but I think they might have meant "the cramping that will make you want to die" starts in 2-4 hours. The cramps started as very harmless cramps - they felt like the lightest ones I have before my period is going to start.
By 3:30, I was extremely nauseous and had bad gas that was causing the cramps to hurt a bit more. The nausea was very different from pregnancy nausea - I knew when to expect my pregnancy nausea because I was near a bad smell or brushing my teeth near the back of my mouth, but this was more of a spontaneous spasm of your stomach which I thought might cause me to throw up (although I never did). At this point I started using a heating pad, although it would have been nice to have two - one for my back and one for my stomach. A hot water bottle actually might have been better for this, since my heating pad just wouldn't stay on long enough and I kept having to unplug it to get it to come back on again.
By 4:00 pm, the cramps were at the level that I normally experience as the worst cramps during my period. They will get worse. I recommend at this point that you take the prescribed painkiller. My doctor gave me three doses of percocet, which took about an hour to kick in in my case. I waited far too long to take the percocet. Take the percocet before it gets too bad!
By 5:00 pm, I truly felt as if I was going to die from the cramps, backache, nausea and gas that were all causing severe amounts of pain. I imagine this is what labor feels like. In this case, there is no baby for you to worry about a painkiller's effect, so please, please take your prescribed painkiller when you reach this point, if not earlier. This is when I took mine, and then I passed out from the pain.
At 5:30, the percocet began to kick in slowly: I still felt the cramps, but my mind was like, "Who cares! This is fun! Everything's funny!" I think that the percocet hit my brain before the rest of my body. :) This is when I got up and started moving around. Moving around makes the bleeding begin and the miscarriage happen faster, so I highly recommend moving around if you can. At this point I was able to eat dinner without feeling too nauseous, and if you want to eat, I recommend doing it before the bleeding begins.
6:00 is when my bleeding started. It trickled for about 2 minutes and then whoooooosh. An extremely full pad in about 15 minutes. At 6:15 I felt as if I was going to pass out, so I got up to go to the bathroom and see if I needed to check my pad (oh yeah I did), and that is when blood clots began to come out. Because the percocet had kicked in by this time, I felt no pain during this. I don't know if it's normally painful or not. I also realized that the cramps were very good, because they did all of the work for me. I didn't have to push, I just had to catch what was coming out (for my doctor to do testing on it). I *thought* that the miscarriage was over by 6:30, cleaned up, and headed back to the couch to watch Rocky.
6:45: Oops, I was wrong. Two more really large blood clots fell out into my pad. I went back to the bathroom and sat and waited for about 20 minutes, during which my body expelled many more blood clots. I caught a few more, bagged them (I thought these were pieces of the sac!), and let the rest go down the drain. I cleaned up again and headed back to the couch.
7:15: At this point, I could actually tell when things were coming. I was able to get up and walk to the bathroom before my body expelled more clots. I also stopped collecting things, since I thought they had enough material. I continued to lose large clots until 9:30 pm (plus one at 5:00 this morning)!
9:30: Most of the clots were gone by this point, but I was extremely faint from blood loss. I kept myself drinking plenty of water (actually, juice might be better to help keep your blood sugar levels up) and laid down with my feet above my head.
11:00 The intense cramping returned. Time for a second percocet! Most of my bleeding was done by this point in time. I was able to fall asleep when the medicine kicked in. Jonathan set his alarm to wake us up every few hours, just to make sure I had stopped losing large amounts of blood and wasn't in trouble.
This morning I passed a few small clots, but since the cramping had basically stopped, I had to push these out myself. This is a difficult concept for someone who hasn't been in labor before, and I had quite a hard time figuring out how to get them out. But I think most everything is gone by now! The bleeding is very, very light, and except for the lightheadedness from blood loss, I feel pretty good.
***Note: I updated this post to be more accurate. I accidentally collected blood clots, which are useless for testing, since they were made of my own blood. The majority of what you will pass during a Cytotec miscarriage are clots (which are large, perhaps as long as 6", and dark red, don't be confused by their size, these are not pieces of your sac!), and you may or may not pass your gestational sac at this time (which is a white/grayish ball). Mine didn't come out until Sunday, three days post-Cytotec.
UPDATE: If you are reading this post because you are about to use cytotec for a medical miscarriage, please do leave a comment. I would love to know who you are and what your story is - I know there are many, many people who find my site by searching for "experience with cytotec" or something similar, and my heart hurts so much knowing that you may be alone while you are going through this. Even if you leave an anonymous comment, at least I can use that to pray more specifically for you!
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
1. Expectant: waiting for the miscarriage to naturally occur
2. Medical: using Cytotec to induce a miscarriage
3. Surgical: Dilation and Curretage (D&C) to surgically remove the pregnancy remnants
They all have the same risks, except that surgical has some extra risks over the other two (scarring and possible puncturing of nearby organs), the common risks of the three being hemorrhaging and failure to complete.
Since we have been technically in the expectant management stage for a minimum of four weeks (perhaps as long as six), we were both pretty ready to move past that stage and create a miscarriage medically. Also, since we are planning to travel next Friday, we would both like this to be over with by then. So, we received instructions on a medical abortion. Actually, we received the same instructions as someone who did not want their fetus and was aborting it, with a few lines crossed out by the doctor with the instructions on how to medically kill a fetus (since ours is long dead and not even present). Basically, 800 mg Cytotec (normally an ulcer medication) is *ahem* taken vaginally and then the miscarriage should happen over the next 24 hours. I will take mine at 1 pm tomorrow, to safely fit within Jonathan's schedule, since he will need to be present in case of a hemorrhaging episode and has a meeting at 11 am tomorrow and 1 pm on Friday. If nothing occurs within 24 hours, or if I continue to hemorrhage at that point, we have to go in to get the D&C anyway.
The cyst on my left ovary is probably what is keeping the pregnancy alive, and will probably go away after the miscarriage. But, they will watch it, and I have to go back in three months time to make sure it isn't something else.
You can be praying for us from tomorrow (Thursday) at 1 pm until Friday at 1 pm. This really, really sucks. But I hope it works the first time, because I don't really want surgery on top of everything else.
Oh, the really good news (is there really good news?) is that since the baby didn't develop too far we only have to wait for two cycles after this whole mess, and then we can try again.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Sorry to deliver this electronically, but I just don't feel like talking to people right now.
Baby Burnham died sometime a while ago, they think around six weeks. We went into for the Nuchal Translucency Screening today (to check for Down's Syndrome and other chromosomal problems) and when the technician turned on the ultrasound, there was a big sac, but nothing in it. She didn't talk to us for a while and looked around fervently, but there was nothing there. The sac and amniotic fluid were measuring on par for 12 weeks, but no baby, so somehow my body has been tricked into thinking it is still pregnant (thus the pregnancy symptoms that I still have). They call this a missed abortion, since my body has obviously not aborted the pregnancy that has terminated. I also have a cyst on my left ovary, about 2.6 x 2.1 x 1.4 cm, I'm not really sure what that is, they didn't explain it, but I am going to my Ob/Gyn office tomorrow at noon, and I think that they will explain more of what might have happened and go over what our options are.
That's really all the information we have - there's no baby, there probably hasn't been for six weeks. I'm glad I didn't tell very many people now.
We're okay, just taking today off to process the news. Thanks for your prayers and thoughts.
Monday, December 8, 2008
Today we get to hear the baby's heartbeat for the first time! Thankfully, my symptoms have done some major increasing over the past week, so I am extremely optimistic for this appointment, and only about 10% worried. But then again, I am such a worrywart that it would be odd for me to not be worried, especially after taking a spill. Ugh, why am I such a klutz?!
Tomorrow marks the 12 week mark, which I am so thankful for! Two more weeks of the first trimester, and then onto the easy (I hope?) second trimester! Tomorrow is also our first ultrasound of the baby, and this should be a very detailed picture, as they are going to be measuring the nasal translucency and looking for possible chromosomal defects. You can pray that everything looks beautiful and perfect, and that our baby is healthy and whole. Tomorrow also marks when we are going to start telling everyone about Baby Burnham! It will be so much fun to have everyone in on the secret!
I will try to update later after the heartbeat appointment, which is at 4 pm!
T-I-double gah-RRRRR: We couldn't find the heartbeat! Not to worry, my friends, the midwife warned us before starting that she might not be able to find it. It seems that the baby is still cushioned low in my pelvic cavity, and combined with the old Doppler system they had, it just wasn't strong enough to find the wee heartbeat. They did, however, find my heartbeat through the placenta, so everything is progressing just fine and she wasn't worried one bit. She said they should have an easier time finding the heartbeat at the 16 week appointment on January 5, and that, of course, we should be able to see it tomorrow on the ultrasound. I also got my flu shot at the appointment. I didn't get it earlier because I was worried that it might affect the development, but I was more worried now about getting a bad case of the flu since everyone's passing it around at work.
Tomorrow is our first ultrasound! Please pray for my appointment, that everything would go smoothly and that our beautiful baby boy or girl will be healthy! With my luck, they probably won't even be able to find the baby! "Uhh, I'm sorry, ma'am, but your uterus just isn't where it should be..."
Friday, December 5, 2008
Ahhh, Christmas. Luckily, my wonderful mother has absolved me of buying her and my father presents, and I have managed to figure out something for Matt, Naomi, and Jonathan's brother Drew, so I only have four more immediate family members to shop for. I love online shopping! It is my favorite invention EVER.
I'm so excited to start getting baby things! Since I assume I will never actually have a baby shower (my peeps are too scattered now to have much of a significant shower, unless I travel to where our families are), I think the most things he/she will get will probably come for Christmas, a very convenient present time. To give you a peek on our registry, here is the pattern I picked out for the stroller, high chair and pack 'n play.
We will be moving states away right after the baby is born, so we're going to stick with not many big ticket items that we will have to move! I'm so excited to get little baby things. Jamie and I already went out before Baby Burnham was conceived and bought two little outfits that I just love looking at. Babies are so precious.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Tomorrow we are heading to New Hampshire with our life group (read: Bible study) for a nice, relaxing weekend away. No Sunday school! It'll be nice to relax with everyone and NOT go hiking when they go. Yay for excuses to stay inside! I love you, Baby!
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
This week, our baby is about the size of a fig (1.5 inches long). His or her hands are going to be able to close soon, and his or her bones are getting harder. There are also tooth buds forming under his or her gums! He or she is stretching and kicking, and may even be hiccuping, due to his or her forming diaphragm. The placenta is now forming, which explains how exhausted I am currently (making a baby and a placenta!), and will be forming for the next few weeks.
I think I am mostly done with nausea (not that it was really that bad ever) and although my breasts are still growing, they aren't really painful or sensitive right now. I do need more sleep, though - I took a two hour nap last night and then got 7 hours of sleep and am still exhausted. I will be so happy when Jonathan's class is over and we can both sleep better!
Monday, December 1, 2008
I'm so excited to be able to tell EVERYONE in eight days!!! I feel so AWFUL about withholding information this important from some of my bestest friends... Aparna, Sarah, Rashida, Debra, Katelyn, Karlen, Jennifer, Molly, Chris, and everyone else: I'm so sorry that we haven't told you all yet! Just eight more days and you will all know, I promise! (As long as there is a wiggly baby with a beautiful heartbeat on that ultrasound next Tuesday...) I cannot wait, that will be SUCH a relief to my mind. For everyone who doesn't know why we were not telling (most) people, I had some bleeding from weeks 6-9 that was very worrisome (50% of people who bleed in early pregnancy have healthy babies... wait, those odds aren't very good!). At this point, the baby could still have died and not miscarried properly (we haven't heard or seen a heartbeat yet), but we are praying and hoping for a beautiful, strong heartbeat at our regular Ob/Gyn appointment on Monday and a precious wiggly baby on the ultrasound next Tuesday!
Remember to keep voting in the gender poll, and I may reveal our thoughts tomorrow!
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
The baby is the size of a small kumquat now (1.25"). I've never seen a kumquat before, but Google assures me that this picture is accurate. Baby has fingernails now, and peach fuzz hair starting to grow on his/her body.
Jonathan and I are going on the record to say we think the baby is a _____*. (I thought that when I first found out I was pregnant, but I was wavering for a while, and now I feel very strongly!) We'll know for sure on January 20 at 9 am! We will also have a Fetal Echocardiogram that day, where they will check the baby for congenital heart defects because my brother was born with heart problems.
In the meantime, our first ultrasound is two weeks from today! We'll hear the heartbeat the day before that at my 12 week appointment.
*I decided not to post what we think the baby is yet. I'm going to put up a poll for you guys to take on what you think the baby is. When I feel that I've gotten enough responses, I'll let you know what we think!
Please comment on this post if you voted, so that I know who voted! (You can tell us what you voted, if you'd like.)
Monday, November 24, 2008
Today was Christmas decorating day at work. We would have waited until after Thanksgiving, but we will have a lot of work the first two weeks of December, so we wanted to get the decorations up while it was still slow. Man, we have a lot of decorations here (including a 7 foot tree with lots of ornaments!). I didn't eat all morning because we were decorating (if you are ever pregnant, the whole "six small meals" is the way to go), so I went from breakfast at 7:45 to lunch at 12:00 with nothing in between. Not a good idea for the blood sugar!
I guess I don't have much to say today. Sorry, I must be too tired or something. :-P
Tomorrow is 10 weeks!
Friday, November 21, 2008
2. He's a Heretic! Burnham! - note: Burnham is pronounced "burn 'em"... say this one fast and you'll get it.
3. Anything starting with a "B" - sorry Jamie, but I can't imagine making a child live with the name "Bobby Burnham" (too Brady Bunch-esqe); also, my grandmother had a kick for B names and has already taken the "good" ones. Plus, I bet people would nickname the kid "B.B."... ewww.
4. Willis - Enough said, I think.
5. Shanequa - this was Jonathan's "no," although I thought it was a good suggestion!
6. Any boy's name from the Old Testament (Abraham, Moses, Elijah, Jonah, etc.)- Jonathan thinks these are too "hip" and/or weird and he doesn't care if they have the best meanings ever (one is still on our list because I demand it - Micah: who is like God?)
7. Augustus/Augusta - okay, Jonathan actually put these on his list. Maybe to try to get me to kill him? Or maybe because he thinks Augustus was cool. (He just said, "Wouldn't boy/girl twins with those names be awesome?" Heh.)
8. Anything spelled funny - Alisabbeth is not going to cut it. That poor kid would never have his/her name spelled or pronounced correctly. Ever.
9. Jonathan - sadly, my husband refuses to let me name the baby after him. So, if I want the baby to be called "Jack", I have to go with Jack or John. Sigh.
10. Abigathan or Jonagail - I've heard of people combining the parents' names to make their baby's name. I guess they're trying to follow a similar, but non-sexist, version of naming the firstborn boy after the father? In any case, our names do not go well together.
Woah, the ObGyn just called to schedule my 18 week ultrasound. Crazy early, dudes. January 20 we will know the sex of our baby!!!
Thursday, November 20, 2008
These Bella bands are great! I was having problems with sitting down and pants cutting into my poor abdominal region, but now I just have a nice, stretchy Bella band instead.
My new Maternity Boppy is very nice, too. The cover it came with is a bit scratchy, but it is already softening with one wash and some use. I told Jonathan last night that he has been replaced... I officially don't need to snuggle with him any more! (Which is nice for both of us because when he is asleep he continually rolls away from my touch. :-P)
I would highly recommend both of these products! I got mine from Doula Shop.
There are only 2 other Abigail B.'s in America!
But, there are 29 other Jonathan B.'s!
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Fun fact: about one quarter of a million new neurons are being produced in our baby's brain every single minute! Woah.... MIT, here he/she comes!
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
The baby also has all of his/her vital organs developed, and is ready to grow and grow and grow!
Just a warning: babycenter also tells me that mood swings set in somewhere between 6 and 10 weeks and hang around until sometime in the 2nd trimester, so you may want to avoid me for the next few weeks. :-P
As long as we remember, I'll have Jonathan take my 9 week belly picture tonight. I also have some pictures of our first baby gift to post, too! Thanks, Jamie, Jennifer, Bill and Brian!
My bella bands and maternity boppy are arriving today! Woohoo!!!
You can tell my pants are unbuttoned here... Heh. Sorry, guys. They don't button any more! My lovely Bella bands arrived today, though, so I can start leaving my zipper down, too! (For those of you who aren't educated about Bella bands, they are basically a stretchy band that goes around your waist/belly and holds up your pants, so that you can leave your pre-pregnancy pants unbuttoned/unzipped and wear them longer into your pregnancy!
Our first baby present was a lovely Willow Tree figurine: "New Life." 5 points to the first person who can guess where it is!
Monday, November 17, 2008
Saturday, November 15, 2008
In other news, I think I could probably change over to a B cup now if I really wanted to. I am basically popping out of my current bras. Jonathan is really loving this.
Need to take husband to see Quantum of Solace. He is so jealous that his PARENTS saw it on opening night and he didn't. Sigh.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
8w, 1d belly shot:
Monday, November 10, 2008
I was brought into a room and worked up by Katie, not my lovely nurse Julia, but very sweet and kind just the same. Katie took my BP (100/80, I think) and weight (88 lbs - 3 gained already! only 45 more to go... hahaha). Luckily, I had come in in May for my yearly appointment, so the midwife didn't need to do the breast exam/pap smear/other lovely gyn stuff, and only had to feel the size of my uterus... Which, in case you're wondering, is approximately the size of a grapefruit by 8 weeks! Katie also found my loving husband after he had dashed in 5 minutes late and brought him back to where I was.
Mary, my midwife-for-this-appointment, (who came in after 25 minutes of waiting!) was very, very sweet. She told me that I have O negative blood type (like my two brothers, mom, and probably my sister), which relieved some long-held guilt that I had been the cause of sensitizing my mom to the Rh-factor, thus causing the death of several of my mom's later pregnancies... Phew! (Seriously, that was a major concern of mine since I learned about antibodies in AP Biology.) Sadly, that means that I HAVE TO GET THE SHOTS. Ugh. I think those come at 28 weeks (unless you bleed earlier in the pregnancy, then you have to get it immediately) and somewhere right before you have the baby. The point is to prevent your body from making antibodies against the Rh-factor, which would attack a future baby who was Rh positive. Our babies have a 50% or 100% chance of having the Rh-factor, depending on whether Jonathan has this on one or both of his genes. The first baby who is Rh-positive will never be attacked, as the mother does not create the antibody until coming in contact with the baby's blood during a miscarriage or delivery. Future babies would be attacked in-utero, thus four out of five miscarriages that my mother had. (The first, Ashley, was due to an incompetent cervix, and we believe that she must have been Rh positive.) Short genetics lesson... Sorry.
Other tests that were done last time: no HIV (big surprise there!), no cystic fibrosis gene, no anemia (that was actually a surprise to me!), and everything else they tested looked great!
Because my brother was born with a hole in his heart (well, mom actually corrected me later and said that it was actually opened by the doctors putting him on a cold gurney while they were trying to get him oxygen because he wasn't breathing on his own), Mary said she may want to get my baby an Echocardiogram with the ultrasound at 18 weeks. Just to be sure that everything is okay... She said the relation was kind of remote (being my brother, not a direct ancestor of the baby), and she would check with an OB to see if it was necessary or not, but that makes me feel like she really cares and is being thorough with my baby. I am perfectly happy to have the Echo just to be sure. I think my family's history of heart problems maybe pushed her a bit more in that direction.
Due to the long history of *both* types of diabetes in my family (and gestational diabetes!), I get to be tested for gestational diabetes EARLY at 20 weeks, instead of 28! Lovely! (Not.) Basically, you go in to take this test and drink this *super* sugary concoction, wait an hour, and then have your blood sugar tested. Cute gem of a story: my mom told me that when she took one of her tests (I think it was for one of my younger siblings, when she was actually *going* to the OB), she drank a coke immediately before the test ("But nobody told me not to!"), and the doctor about had a heart attack when he saw that her blood sugar was so high. But she explained, and they did the test again later. Nice.
The midwife seemed happy with my 25 minutes of walking home from work (at a brisk pace... which is just my normal pace, for those of you who have never walked next to me), and told me I was probably right to stop walking with all of the spotting that I had had. She said it was probably due to my cervix being extra-sensitive during pregnancy (this is normal), but after a few more weeks, I should work back up to walking that much again and it wouldn't have any effect once I was further along.
Mary confirmed my due date of June 23 with a wheel that calculates things from LMP (last menstrual period) or ovulation date (which I knew). I thought the wheel was funny, because my mom has one from 24 years ago when she was pregnant with me.
There was a second midwife along with Mary; I think her name was Jennifer. She is taking over most of Mary's time at the office, since Mary has another office somewhere else that she is going to be shifting most of her time to. It was nice to meet both of them, especially since Jennifer will probably see me more often, since my appts. will most likely stay on Mondays. Jennifer looked *extremely* familiar to me, so I'm not sure if she just looks like someone I know, or I've actually met her somewhere... But considering I didn't think I knew any midwives, she must just look like someone.
My next appointment is scheduled for December 8, and sometime between December 5 and 16 will be my "First Look" screening. This is a new screening test for Down Syndrome and Trisomy 13, which counts some proteins in the mother's blood, as well as an ultrasound to measure the nachal folds (the length of the baby's neck?). They then calculate your chances of your baby having Down Syndrome or something else, and give you the option of doing CVS or amniocentesis later on, if you are high risk. We are only doing this test because it comes with an ultrasound, which otherwise would not be done until 18 weeks!!! I thought that was a bit long to wait to see my baby, considering we haven't even been able to hear a heartbeat yet. The whole thing seems a bit imagined with zero visible or audible proof of being pregnant (although the doctor's confirmed it with a blood test). I guess my growing pooch is kind of proof. Anyway, the test is free to us and it has no risk of harming the baby (just being a blood test and an ultrasound), so it seemed like a great deal to us!
We left around 3:50, considering the 25 minutes of waiting for the midwife, wasn't too long of an appointment. Everything looks great and we're very excited for our "First Look" at the baby!
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Monday, November 3, 2008
I am really tired. This manifests itself in an avoidance of anything social. For example, DH (dear husband) really wants to watch the election returns tomorrow night with some friends. However, The Hormones would much rather stay at home and wake up to the results on Wednesday. Returns don't start coming in until 9 pm EST, and I'm usually conked out by 10 pm. I wish that my strong interest in the results would help keep me awake longer than that, but The Hormones have completely taken over my body and will simply override my desires if I choose not to comply with them. So we'll see how late I make it...
The more I read about the birthing process, the more I think that a C-section would be nice. Or perhaps adoption. I think The Hormones had control of my body when I decided that trying to conceive would be wonderful and they blocked out the thought of how difficult birthing a child would be. Now it is too late to go back. Uh oh.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Anyway, I told Jamie not to make anything for dessert this week, that we would bring cupcakes for Jonathan's birthday. Wellllll, the pregnancy hormones must have fried my brain, because I left my beautiful creation at home! Sigh.
So instead of telling them via cupcakes (all of my creativity gone to waste!), I decided to blurt it out in the following manner: when we were opening our books to begin our discussion, I said, "I'm really sorry, guys, that we didn't get a chance to read the chapters this week, but pregnancy just makes you sooo tired." There was about 1.5 seconds of silence and then WHOOSH I was ambushed by Jennifer and Jamie coming to proclaim their joy for us! The boys took slightly longer to figure out what was going on... Bill told us later that his thoughts were: "Yes, I can see how pregnancy would make you very tired. That makes a lot of sense." (WHOOSH - running of girls) "Ooooohhhhh."
Everyone was so excited for us, and we spent most of the rest of life group hopping up and down and talking about babies. What a lovely day it was!
Thursday, October 30, 2008
At the next appointment there is no ultrasound. :( But we should be able to hear the baby's heartbeat via a Doppler, so that will be wonderful! That appointment is on November 10, so 1.5 weeks to go! Jonathan will be home for that one, and I will be taking off the whole weekend (we have Tuesday off for Veteran's Day and I will be taking Monday off, as well, just for fun!).
Today I had a dentist's appointment, and got to tell my sweet, fun hygienist Katie that I was pregnant. She told me that along with most of the other lovely pregnancy symptoms, a lot of pregnant women have more gingivitis (that's a lot of i's). Wonderful. BUT, my teeth were even more perfect than usual and she was so proud of me and told me to keep up the good work! I think she could tell that I had been flossing. :) She also told me she hoped that the baby got my teeth, as they are so very perfect and never needed braces or anything. I hope they get my teeth and Jonathan's eyes! Oh, and I was totally falling asleep in the dental chair! I think my body was thinking, "vertical=sleep," and I was absolutely conking out. Poor Katie had to let me rest my jaw for a minute because I was too tired to keep holding it open the whole time! She told me some funny stories about people who every time they get in her chair just fall straight asleep and how she has to wake them up at the end! One guy even snored through the cleaning!!!
Speaking of eyes, I'm getting a bit worried about mine... I seem to be having problems focusing on things closer to my face, and am having some difficulty switching from close things to far things. I can definitely tell that there is a lag time of re-focusing, which is not normal for me. Also, I have been holding newspapers and books closer to my face. I can still read things further away, but it seems to be less straining to hold them close. One of the things on the list of when I should call my OB's office is eye sight changes. I didn't tell Julia about it yesterday because I thought it was all in my imagination and wasn't having the problems right then, but at this moment I am going crazy trying to retain my focus on the computer screen. Perhaps my poor eyes have had it with staring at screens! Sigh...
Okay, I'm too tired to keep writing. :-P Good night!
Monday, October 27, 2008
Thursday, October 16, 2008
The Ob/Gyn's office called me today and went over the medications that I'm taking - basically, they said, we don't want you taking anything unless it's medically necessary... I only take a "sleeping pill" that's such a light dose, and it's not even really a sleeping pill (it's an anti-anxiety pill), but they want me to try to not take it because there haven't been enough tests to say one way or another. Ugh. I'm usually so anxious that I wake up several times a night and can't fall back asleep because I'm so anxious... But we'll see how it works for a few weeks, and then I guess I'll just talk to the nurse at my appointment then... They're also sending me an information packet and including some form that I need to fill out before I go in.. Hopefully that's the one with the family history questions, 'cause it would be nice to have that done beforehand and not have to call my mom while I'm sitting in there. :-P
Okay, this overactive bladder is killing me. I have seriously gone to the bathroom 2 or 3 times every hour today. That is a lot of times!
We want to tell some of our closest friends who are coming over this weekend... We haven't come up with a good idea of how to tell them yet... Maybe I could make cupcakes and make them with pink and blue frosting and write one letter of "baby" on each cupcake and see if they figure it out... That would be funny. They know that we're trying, so I think that if we did that they might notice... Hmmm, I don't know... I'm SO not creative!
It's almost the weekend! I told my boss that I had a checkup for my Oct. 29 appt. and then I took a vacation day for November 10, since that is right before we get a day off for Veteran's Day and then I will have a four day weekend, except that I mostly took it off so I wouldn't have to tell him why I had a second doctor's appt.... :-P I think I will probably tell everyone at work right before Christmas... I thought I could put the Christmas card on everyone's desk and then wait and see who figures it out first. :) I don't really have work that I would need to get out of because I'm pregnant, so I figure they don't really need to know before then...
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
My poor husband was so worried about his reaction this morning... He's not outwardly very emotional and was trying to go further than he normally would have to show me that he was excited. (I think we saw an Everybody Loves Raymond about this the other night, and it stressed him out a bit. :-P) It was pretty funny... The poor thing was up until 2 studying and I woke him up at 5:30 saying, "I can't hold it any longer!" So I think he was mostly asleep and stressed about his test. But he tried. He said something along the lines of, "That's wonderful! I'm so happy!" but in a super sleepy tone... And I jumped up and down as he watched me and laughed...
Here is my "baseline" picture of my (already) bloated belly:
Please note the pants, which are already unbuttoned and on the last notch of the built-in belt!
I called and made my appointments after lunch today: I get to see a nurse two weeks from today, on Oct. 29, and I think that's to confirm the pregnancy and ask family history questions, and then I see a midwife on Nov. 10 for my first ultrasound! I'm so excited!!!
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Monday, October 13, 2008
I had such a rough day - I woke up exhausted (with plenty of sleep...) and was half napping on my cousin's couch most of the day... Then we went shopping and I felt like I was going to fall over most of the time... It was just too much for me. If this is the fatigue of pregnancy, this is going to be a difficult nine months...
My temp was extremely high this morning, which made me very happy... However, I am now spotting brown, which scares me. Brown is not usually how I spot before AF (it's usually pink), but it still scares me nonetheless. I'm also off-and-on being extremely crampy and am having bad back pain, although I know the back pain is from walking around so much this weekend (I have an awful back) and I am praying that the cramping is just from a lack of water... But I feel like it's not that... I don't know. I'm so exhausted that I am feeling completely hopeless tonight, and DH isn't even here, so I'm just sitting here feeling scared and alone! Sorry to be so depressing.
AF was due yesterday (I think... although I only have 1 luteal phase to base that off of), and she hasn't showed up yet, so that's good.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
I had to go to the bathroom so badly that I didn't pause to look at what the test line looked like before I used it... But I thought that it changed color over the time period.