Wednesday, April 29, 2009

7w, 0d: Busy bee

It's been a rough day at work, with tons to do. Thankfully, Thumper was pretty kind today on laying off the morning sickness, with the exception of lunchtime, which was awful. I think it's on its way back now, so hopefully I'll make it home okay on the shuttle... Yesterday was an unpleasant shuttle ride, to say the least.

Today baby is the size of a blueberry. Keep growing, little Thumper!

Peace out, kids. I'm 10 minutes and a shuttle ride away from food and sleep. Sweet!

Belly picture (the "real" 7 weeks):

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

6w, 6d: Morning sickness is kicking my butt.

This is a TMI post. Read at your own risk!

Wow, who knew that morning sickness could keep getting worse? I wonder how long this is going to keep worsening... Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Maybe 8-11 weeks (nice wide range there) when the hCG levels are supposed to start evening out/going down? I'm a little afraid to know what my future holds, since I'm currently barely keeping myself from puking all over my desk anytime I smell food of any kind (or anything else, really). This morning I woke up at 6 am with my husband (who had jury duty) and after I had gotten him out the door I spent 15 minutes dry heaving into the toilet. You know what? Dry heaving sucks because it hurts, but I actually think I like it better than throwing up - there's no nasty aftertaste when nothing comes out! Note to self: keep stomach empty before bed.

I'm not sure how much longer I'm going to be saying that I love morning sickness... But for now, I still do - every time that I get sicker I know that my little Thumper is growing bigger and stronger!

P.S. As of 8 am this morning I had no new May look for the blog, but now I do! Warning, it's quite bright! I hope it doesn't hurt your eyes, but I really like it. :)

Monday, April 27, 2009

Heartbeat of 146!!!

I had my first prenatal appointment this afternoon and prior to arriving I went to the bathroom. Then when I arrived at the appointment, they handed me a small cup for a urine sample (whoops, forgot about that), so I attempted to give them a sample... yeah, right.

After the attempted evacuation of my bladder, I was called into my room. I've gained 1.5 lbs. (up to 89.5), still measure 5'0" tall, and my blood pressure was surprisingly low at 88 over 60 (usually I'm more like 100 over 80). Do you want to know why it was so low? Because when I walked into the room, the nurse told me I would have a pap smear, a breast exam and A SCAN. Without. My. Husband. (Who wasn't there because I thought this would be a boring exam and who wants to watch someone else get a pap smear?) *Heart attack ensues.* Note to self: husband comes to every appointment from now on.

Once the nurse had left and I had changed into my lovely "open in front" gown, my midwife didn't come in for about 30 minutes... *Second heart attack ensues.* I decided to try to take a nap while I was waiting. (Yeah, right.) Eventually she came in, and told me that she figured that I would want to do the scan first, rather than waiting until the very end to do it. You betcha!

She tried abdominal first, but their scanner was about 25 years old and my bladder was *E-M-P-T-Y*. I don't think she's ever seen a pregnant woman with a more empty bladder. We could see the baby, but it was very far away and small and I don't think their scanner has a zoom function (yikes).

Of course the next step was the vaginal scan. I don't know why everyone always apologizes when they have to resort to this, because I don't mind it a bit and I don't think it feels all that uncomfortable... But maybe that's just me. My midwife found the baby easily on the vaginal scan, but she couldn't see the heartbeat (she was kind of older and probably doesn't have great eyes) even though I was pretty sure I could see it. *Commence breathing again.* She wanted to get one of the doctors to double check for her, since she said wasn't very good at using the scanner.

I waited a few more minutes and then an older Chinese woman doctor came in. She tried to let me move the wand, but I was useless at this, so she had to do it for me. She found the baby quickly and the heartbeat looked super slow, but then she moved it just a tad and voila! the heartbeat was quick! She thought it looked a bit slow, still, so she measured it, and it came out to 146, which she said was actually great (she was used to seeing heartbeats around 175-180, so compared to that, it looked slow to her). The baby looked much more formed than last Wednesday, with the head being clearly defined and much larger and a cute little tail at the other end. The picture that printed wasn't very good, so I didn't ask for a copy - they kept one, so I can always ask for one later if I really want it.

This is about what the baby looked like, but in black and white and a bit fuzzier:

After that was just the pap and the breast exam, which both were fine. I'm going back in 2.5 weeks for another scan (Thursday, May 14 at 4:15 pm), when I will be 9 weeks. This will reduce my chances of miscarriage, if there is a heartbeat then, down to 5%, and then my First Look is being scheduled for June 3 in the morning, and if the baby is doing well then, my miscarriage chances will be down to about null!

Hooray for God taking care of Thumper!

6w, 5d: First prenatal visit!

Today is my first prenatal visit, since I was supposed to be 8 weeks today. It should be a pretty boring appointment since the baby is too small to listen for a heartbeat via Doppler and I don't think they'll do a scan (that's supposed to be next Wednesday sometime). Basically, they'll check my insides (I think I'm due for a pap smear), my blood pressure and my weight, and make sure things are looking okay. I like boring appointments - they make me feel like things are progressing past the "scary" part of the pregnancy (hopefully they're progressing...).

I've been getting very sick over the past few days, which I love, except for the whole feeling very sick thing. But, seriously, I'll take this over no sickness! And we've progressed past just the morning sickness into all day sickness. Dinners are getting harder and harder to choke down and keep down. And most importantly, no spotting! I love that I have not had that since that episode a few weeks ago... With Max I spotted for WEEKS (and they never looked into it), and I love that there is something different about this pregnancy to keep my hope alive!

Work today should be pretty busy. We're into our competitive renewal for our center's core NIH grant, and I've been given a big chunk of data to collect and edit. I'm getting some pretty nasty carpal tunnel in my right arm especially, which is making all of this editing a bummer. Next step, wrist brace. :(

Saturday, April 25, 2009

6w, 3d: Thumper's first portrait

I cannot believe that it's only been three days since we saw the baby! But we finally have proof now, and here it is:

And here's an anatomical picture for reference:

Our baby is mirrored to that image (just facing the opposite direction) and the black spot in the middle of him/her (near the head) is the beating heart. The black circle around the baby is the amniotic fluid inside of the gestational sac.

I love that little one so much! Isn't he/she cute! Btw, the scale on that picture is 3 mm between those two yellow dots (that means the baby was 3 mm long on Wednesday).

Thursday, April 23, 2009

6w, 1d: Morning sickness... it's what the cool kids are doing!

I heart morning sickness. That's right, folks, you heard it. I almost threw up several times this morning, and while I was glad to keep my cereal down in the end, I am praying for this to happen over and over again and to keep getting worse! I can take it! I'll take anything for this baby.

By the way, we decided to call the baby "Thumper." (Not permanently, of course. Geez, he/she would hate us if we actually put that on the birth certificate.) As in, "I'm thumpin'! That's why they call me Thumper!" We want to encourage little Thumper to keep thumpin' away.

I got up my courage this morning to call the ultrasound place to ask them to send me a picture. (I HATE talking on the phone and I was so afraid that they would say "no can do.") They said they couldn't print it out on the nice carbon paper (I've heard that stuff fades over time anyway), but they could print it out on regular paper and send it to me! I was so happy... I know my biggest regret with Max was never getting a picture to hold onto, and I'm so happy to know that no matter what, I will have one of Thumper, too! Hooray! Look for that to be posted in the next few days, whenever it comes in the mail.

Okay, I'm in good spirits today and hopefully I will hold onto those for the next few weeks... I really appreciate your prayers, guys. I know Thumper is alive right now because of them!

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

6w, 0d: Resetting time...

Just got a call from my nurse and I want to get my thoughts out here so I can remember what she said.

My hCG didn't double from last week (8 days since my last quant), but they stop looking at hCG levels once they can see things on the ultrasound. So she said that wasn't so important. (Although I'm not convinced.) She didn't tell me the exact number.

Since my ultrasound measurement was more than a week away from where I thought I was, they will go with the ultrasound due date, because that is considered more accurate. That would make my new due date December 16. I will keep my OB intake appointment next Monday, but I will go back for a third ultrasound (just at my OB's office) at 8 weeks (two weeks from today), where they will look for a heartbeat. A heartbeat before 8 weeks still leaves you with a 15-20% miscarriage chance, but one at 8 weeks leaves you with a 5% chance - much better, obviously. But at least the baby's heartbeat this morning makes it be considered a real baby, rather than just a failed pregnancy.

I have implicit instructions to call if anything changes (i.e. bleeding or cramping), which along with the low hCG and way off measurements makes me think that this pregnancy is not headed in a great direction. But we'll see in two more weeks, I suppose... Hopefully this baby is the "Little Baby That Could."

I can't wait for the 12 week mark.

7w, 2d: The most beautiful picture

We had a heartbeat! The baby was 3 mm long and the technician told us I was 6 weeks (she wasn't specific as to whether that meant 6w, 0d or 6w, 5d or what). We didn't see a doctor (which I thought was odd), she wouldn't let us tape with our camcorder and she didn't print out a picture for us. So we have no proof, but we saw it with our own eyes! She even got it with just the abdominal scanner.

I was sick as a dog when I woke up this morning, so no breakfast yet for me. Maybe my stomach will calm down enough to eat a banana soon...

I was a bit discouraged this morning that the baby seemed to be measuring a week behind, but guess what? I found a site online about Misdiagnosed Miscarriages that talks about how women with tilted uteruses often are told they are measuring a week or so behind during their first trimester, but at their 20 week ultrasound are caught up to where they should be... So I'm going to trust that I'm really 7w, 2d (because I know when I ovulated!) and we'll see later if the baby catches up...

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

8 Things.

Jessie from The Adventures of the McKinney Twins tagged me on this game. I thought it would be cute to wait until my 8th week to fill it out, but I don't know if I'll get that far, so why not do it now?

8 Things I am Looking Forward To:
  1. My ultrasound tomorrow (and seeing a strong heartbeat, hopefully)
  2. Having a real live baby in my arms (one that is directly descended from me, preferably)
  3. Cape Cod trip in May with our life group
  4. Moving to Maryland! (although I'm going to miss my sweet friends here)
  5. Buying my first car in June or July
  6. My second anniversary in June
  7. Seeing the Heroes episode from last night
  8. Growing old with my sweet husband
8 Things I Did Yesterday:
  1. Slept in
  2. Read two books
  3. Read Guideposts May '09
  4. Made chili for dinner
  5. Played Civ IV
  6. Took a 7 week belly picture
  7. Watched the new episode of 24
  8. Worried about my ultrasound
8 Things I Wish I Could Do:
  1. See inside my womb and tell if my baby is alive at any given moment
  2. Enjoy pregnancy without fear
  3. Change the various settings on our DSLR camera
  4. Run without pain
  5. Conjure up any food that appears on TV commercials so that I can fulfill my cravings
  6. Keep myself busy at work on a regular basis
  7. Zap myself places (i.e. not have to use a car or plane, just snap my fingers and appear somewhere else!)
  8. Not worry!
8 Shows I Watch:
  1. House
  2. 24
  3. Heroes
  4. Jon & Kate Plus Eight
  5. The Office
  6. Eighteen Kids and Counting
  7. The Colbert Report
  8. Myth Busters
8 People I Tag:
  1. Charity at Tony and Charity
  2. Christina at A Song of Silence
  3. Crysi at Adia's Adventures
  4. Greta at Greta and Richie
  5. Melanie at Waiting Patiently With An Angel
  6. Mimi at Mochamama
  7. Shaina at A Heart's Journey
  8. Staci at The Bailey Family
You guys definitely don't have to play along, if you don't want to, but I just wanted to let everyone reading know that these are some sweet girls who have been with me through this whole ordeal and most of them have gone through a loss (or two or more) of their own, a lot of them very recently. I'm sure I've left people off (and I know I left off all of my IRL friends who don't have blogs!), so sorry if you weren't tagged (there were only 8 spots, of course)... You can still play along, if you want to!

7w, 1d: First nurse appointment and weekend update

I had my first appointment with my sweet nurse, Nicole, today. I guess she would have normally put this off for after the ultrasound tomorrow, but she forgot, and since I was already there, we decided just to do it.

We didn't discuss much because the ultrasound last week made me look earlier than I thought I was, so we can't be sure about dates yet. That means we couldn't discuss when the First Look would be scheduled for (especially since we're moving in early June) or when I was due, etc. They did take blood and urine for a CBC (blood count to check if I'm anemic), hCG levels (to clarify things tomorrow if they're not looking good), and urine analysis, to make sure I don't have any infections.

For the ultrasound tomorrow, she told me that they won't let me leave if it's bad news (Well, I actually know that they will eventually let me leave; they'll just want to talk to the on-call Ob/Gyn and set up an appointment first. Luckily, I have experience in these things already or I might have been worried!). That means that tomorrow morning, no news is probably not good news. If everything's fine, I expect to be at work by 8:30 or 8:45 at the latest (hopefully I don't say that and then get stuck in awful traffic tomorrow and then make you all worry if I don't post by 8:45 am!). If not, you'll know how to pray.

Now to catch up on the busy weekend.

Friday I stayed home from work because I woke up with a severe cramp in my lower back. That is usually a precursor to awful side cramps for me, so I thought the end was near, which is why I stayed home. It turned out that the back cramp never developed into anything worse and was gone by 10 am, which means it was probably a product of sleeping poorly or maybe even the new exercise program I started the night before (Pilates for Pregnancy - I was already doing Pilates for Non-Pregnancy before I switched over). I also had no spotting, so I don't think this was an attempted miscarriage gone awry. Anyhow, it ended up being a great day, especially since I thought it was going to be such an awful day!

Saturday was a nice day off... We woke up early (I have no idea why pregnancy makes me less sleepy, in that I sleep less hours.) and went to the grocery store early, and then I got to hang out with my awesome friend, Kate, who lives in NJ currently. We spent a few hours together and are planning a trip to Annapolis for sometime in June or July after we move down there!

Sunday was an amazing day. First, JOHN PIPER preached the sermon at my church. A. Maz. Ing. I've never heard him preach live before, and I almost missed out on that again (when we got to church 3 minutes late from our Sunday School class - gotta love those parents who DON'T PICK UP THEIR KIDS) because there weren't any seats left in the sanctuary that we could find! My sweet husband sent me up from the overflow room to try again, and I got a seat really close in the front right part of the sanctuary - it was perfect! After the service I got to shake his hand.... That was really cool. I was walking on cloud nine the rest of the day. I almost told him "I love you," when I shook his hand, but I stopped myself from looking like a freak and just said, "Thank you!" After service we had a cookout at Bill and Jen's house for life group and then got to discuss part of The Dangerous Duty of Delight - what a John Piper-filled day!

Like I said yesterday, Monday was a Massachusetts-made up holiday ("Patriot's Day"), so no work. Woohoo for the four day weekend! I actually slept until 10:30, which meant I skipped most of the morning sickness for the day, and had a relaxed day in which I read two books, one magazine, played half a game of Civ IV saw two episodes of Gilmore Girls, and the new 24 episode. Lovely, lazy day.

I didn't sleep perfectly last night, but I did pretty well considering that I thought I would be up all night worrying. I think I realized how quickly Wednesday was coming up (I really didn't think about it most of the weekend, just last night) and got a bit freaked out. But now I'm okay, I'm holding my breath again (not literally, just emotionally). I would swear from my pregnancy symptoms and their increasing intensity and frequency that I must still be pregnant, and getting more pregnant, but there's that doubt in my mind because even with Max I still felt pregnant the whole time he was gone. My hCG levels with him never went down until after the (induced) miscarriage, so I never got less pregnant. I won't get the hCG level from today back until after the ultrasound tomorrow, so I don't have that to look at.

Remember to pray for Stellan today, and if you want, please pray for me, too. I just want to have peace no matter what happens tomorrow, and I'm really trying to keep myself positive right now (which is hard for an avowed pessimist).

Stay with me, baby! You can do it!

Monday, April 20, 2009

7w, 0d: Belly picture

I promise I'll write more tomorrow. Actually, I shouldn't promise because who knows what work will be like, but I will try my hardest! We had a "fake" holiday today (Patriot's Day... only Massachusetts celebrates it), so no work today (and thus no blogging).

Week 7 symptoms: nausea (check), tender breasts (check), eating my weight in food each day (check)

Here's my 7 week belly pic:

Thursday, April 16, 2009

6w, 3d: Up and Down

I just wanted to let you all know that, as a pregnant woman is wont to do, I am back to an emotional high today and feeling hopeful again. (I'm sure in five minutes I will be back to gloom and doom, so you may want to take off your hats for the duration of the roller coaster ride.) I don't know why I crashed and burned yesterday, except that I am a naturally very anxious person and I was dead tired from poor sleep the night before. The doctor who was not very optimistic about my baby's chances was not helpful. I'm not going to take down either of my posts from yesterday because they really were my feelings and I don't think that censoring them is going to get me anywhere. I really did (and do still at times) feel like the worst mother ever (and here I am sitting on the side where I haven't actually birthed a live child yet) and I often wish for the day that I will be together with my sweet little Max and my savior, Jesus.

It's hard for me to have faith that God will save this baby when He didn't save Max. Don't get me wrong, I know that He can save this baby. I just don't know that He will. What is the difference between Max and this baby? Why should a different outcome apply in this pregnancy over my other? Prayers were said over that child, too, and they were answered with a resounding "no." How do I know they will be answered this time?

I don't want my faith in God to be crushed next week if there isn't a heartbeat, and so I can't firmly believe that everything is going to be okay. I don't know that and you don't know that. What I do know is that God will still be in heaven, seated on His throne, ruling over the world, even if my child isn't going to grow any more. I am praying fervently (and I am thankful if you are praying, too) that this baby is still growing (in God's time, if not mine), but I can't believe that right now. I can only hope.

That's where I am right now, take it or leave it.

Let's leave today with Psalm 40, that my mother sent to me:

I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.

He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.

He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the LORD.

Blessed is the man
who makes the LORD his trust,
who does not look to the proud,
to those who turn aside to false gods.

Many, O LORD my God,
are the wonders you have done.
The things you planned for us
no one can recount to you;
were I to speak and tell of them,
they would be too many to declare.

Sacrifice and offering you did not desire,
but my ears you have pierced;
burnt offerings and sin offerings
you did not require.

Then I said, "Here I am, I have come—
it is written about me in the scroll.

I desire to do your will, O my God;
your law is within my heart."

I proclaim righteousness in the great assembly;
I do not seal my lips,
as you know, O LORD.

I do not hide your righteousness in my heart;
I speak of your faithfulness and salvation.
I do not conceal your love and your truth
from the great assembly.

Do not withhold your mercy from me, O LORD;
may your love and your truth always protect me.

For troubles without number surround me;
my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see.
They are more than the hairs of my head,
and my heart fails within me.

Be pleased, O LORD, to save me;
O LORD, come quickly to help me.

May all who seek to take my life
be put to shame and confusion;
may all who desire my ruin
be turned back in disgrace.

May those who say to me, "Aha! Aha!"
be appalled at their own shame.

But may all who seek you
rejoice and be glad in you;
may those who love your salvation always say,
"The LORD be exalted!"

Yet I am poor and needy;
may the Lord think of me.
You are my help and my deliverer;
O my God, do not delay.

My Mosaic

1. What is your first name?
2. What is your favorite food?
3. What is your favorite color?
4. Favorite drink?
5. Dream vacation?
6. Favorite hobby?
7. What you want to be when you grow up?
8. What do you love most in life?
9. One word to describe you?

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Letter to my son at his 30 week mark

Dear Max,

With all of the craziness surrounding Baby #2, I completely missed your 30 week mark yesterday. That really hurts me, that I'm so caught up in the anxiety of this new pregnancy that I didn't even stop for a moment to remember you, my first baby.

I'm so sorry, Max. I miss you so much and I wish that you had stayed with me and that this new baby never had to be imagined, much less conceived and worried over in your place. I'm sorry that you've been put on the back burner right now and that your mommy isn't taking care of you in the only way that she can, by remembering you. I'm sorry that I am such a disappointment as a mom.

I wish I could leave this awful life and come to live with you. I can't come close to enjoying this current baby, can't even picture it as a real baby most of the time, you seem like my only child and I feel like I am losing you over and over again. It hurts so bad to lose you again.

I miss you, Max. I wish I could get my way in this, and have you with me, here or there. My heart yearns for that, especially on these days that I am so broken by fear and anguish. Please don't hate me. I love you so much.

-your mommy

6w, 2d (or maybe not): My Little Yolk Sac

This morning at the ultrasound, there was a gestational sac and inside of it there was a yolk sac. Not a fetal pole or an embryo. Great news if I'm 5 1/2 weeks, not so great news if I'm really 6 weeks (like my temperatures lead me to believe). I have to go back in a week and see if there is a heartbeat then. If there is, great! I'm a little behind where I thought I was. If there's not; bad news #2.

I chickened out of asking for a print out of my yolk sac. I weighed my options between sounding insane for asking for a picture of a ball of cells and having a picture to hold onto once we figure out this pregnancy is not lasting, and I decided that since I wanted to come back in a week, I might as well try not to look insane. Maybe they'll give me one next week, if I haven't miscarried by then.

Please pray for my baby. And for me. I didn't sleep last night and I'm exhausted.

P.S. No more quants unless I start bleeding again. I guess there's the great news that I'm not even spotting right now, but since I did carry Max for four to six weeks after he died, I'm not super confident about my body's ability to get rid of a baby that's not alive...

P.P.S. I'm not sure that I'm strong enough emotionally to deal with this again so soon. Please, please pray for me.

P.P.P.S. I did get really, really sick this morning (I think it was sheer will that held my cereal down), which is great news. And now I'm realizing that my appetite is finally back. New pregnancy symptoms are always welcome.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

6w, 1d: I suck at keeping babies alive.

Okay, so the quant only went up to 3474 yesterday, which is not even doubled from Friday (after 72 hours) at 1936. Not good news, folks. We still have to go to the ultrasound tomorrow to see what's going on, but I don't think we'll see a heartbeat... Wow, this sucks.

Editor's note: Since the quant did technically go up, things could be fine... It's just not a good sign at all.

I've been doing some research on this over the past few hours and here's what I've found:
- WebMD says that from 1200-6000 hCG, the doubling time may slow to 72-96 hours, and after 6000, the doubling time may slow to even four days.
- My hCG doubled in 84 hours this past weekend, which Beta Base still says is within normal range

So Baby might still be fine - pray for that heartbeat to show up tomorrow, though, so that my worrying can lessen! I've been about to throw up all morning, and it's not from morning sickness.

Monday, April 13, 2009

6w, 0d: We have a lentil bean!

Hooray for my little lentil bean. I haven't gotten my hCG levels from this morning from the doctor yet, but since she didn't call earlier, I think the news is probably fine. She'll probably send me a message tomorrow with the exact number.

For now, here's my week 6 belly pic:

I just realized that I wore the same outfit today as last Monday... hehe. But you can tell how awfully bloated I am right now!

Friday, April 10, 2009

5w, 4d: Quant results from Wednesday

Okay, so the quant hCG from Wednesday was 996, so a little more than doubled (doubled would have been 890). I'm going to get one more quant today and as long as that doubles appropriately, the ultrasound for next Wednesday is good to go! Woohoo!

Update @ 5:00 pm:
I got my results from today; they went up to 1936, so not quite doubled, but good enough! I guess I still have to go back on Monday for another test... My goodness, my poor arms can't take much more of this!

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

5w, 2d: Bruised Elbow... and Ego

Look at this bruise:
My other arm isn't quite so bad.

Got more blood drawn today for another quant hCG. When I got to the lab, there was no one ahead of me (score!) but my order wasn't in the computer. I told the receptionist what test I was there to take and who was the doctor that ordered it, upon which she began to look through a huge chart of phone numbers to find the office number. I told her "x3-1315" and she kept looking but discovered that I was right about 10 seconds later. I love being right.

Once she called the number she spoke to a receptionist at the Ob/Gyn office who had to find out from Nicole (my nurse) what the test was that I needed. The guy who was there to draw my blood came out and the receptionist at the lab told him, "She thinks she needs a quant hCG, but they're double checking with the nurse right now. You can just take her in and I'll bring you the labels in a second." (She learned the first time that I know what I'm talking about.) He, however, mumbled back to her, "You know patients never really know what they need. I don't want to bring her back there to just have to take more blood later," and then laughed at my probable mistake!

You know, I actually love being made fun of to my face. Too bad I was right.

Update @ 5:19 pm:
They didn't call me with a number today, so I guess we'll just have to wait and see what it was until tomorrow (or maybe Friday).

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

5w, 1d: 6 Week Ultrasound scheduled!

We'll be having our first glimpse of the wee one on April 15 (that's next Wednesday!) at 7:30 am - gotta love the bright and early spot. :) We're so excited!

Sorry I'm not posting much today... Work is keeping me extra busy with one of our financial assistants out sick, and me trying to catch up on all of her work that's been stacking up for weeks. Her desk is finally cleaned off and I'm getting to my own work now. Phew!

Wow, Max, you would have been 29 weeks today! I miss you, sweet one, and I wish I had a big belly full of you right now.

Monday, April 6, 2009

5w, 0d: Baby Jellyfish is growing!

My baby looks a little bit scary this week, according to Babycenter:

Yikes, what the heck is that supposed to be? A jellyfish? Hopefully Baby Jellyfish is still doing well and growing big and strong!

I went in this morning at 8:30 for my blood draw and there were three little old ladies waiting there already. They opened right when I walked up, but I had to wait for the three of them to have their blood drawn before I got to go. So I was gone from work for a slightly noticeable 30 minutes... Thankfully almost everyone is out sick today so nobody noticed! I got my blood taken around 8:50, so if they stick to the same processing time as on Friday, I should hear back around 12:30. I'll keep you posted!

UPDATE @ 3:15 pm:
No call yet. Grr. Actually, thinking back to this morning, I don't remember seeing a "STAT" sticker, like there was last Wednesday and Friday - maybe that means I won't get the results today? (I don't know what their normal processing time is.) Ugh, that would be kinda annoying.

UPDATE @ 4:35 pm: My quant hCG went up to 445 and since I've stopped spotting, that is a great sign that I'm not miscarrying at this point. I'm going back in Wednesday and Friday for more quants and the nurse is going to schedule my ultrasound for sometime between April 15 and 17, since I should have reached at least 6500 by then. Woohoo!

Updated to include week 5 belly picture!

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Joy William's first music video!

I love Joy Williams, so of course I was excited today to find an e-mail from Twitter saying that she was following me. How cool is that? Also, she just made her first music video and I think it's divine (not even counting how much I love, love, love the song):

Friday, April 3, 2009

58 to 153!!!!!!!!

We have a live baby! They're not quite sure why the numbers are low (can I really be off if I was temping?), but they more then doubled which is WHAT WE WANT!

I'm going back in on Monday for another test, this time I can go as early as I want (in other words, 8:30 am, as soon as that lab opens!) since it will be 72 hours, not 48. We're looking for those numbers to keep going up, up, up!

I love my nurse, Nicole. I think she is going to get me an ultrasound as soon as the heartbeat should be there, which is around 6500, which is about 11/12 days from now, if the numbers double exactly, maybe earlier if our little overachiever keeps growing quickly!

I think I have been holding my breath for the last 6 or 7 hours and I am finally breathing again! What a relief. I am also realizing that I am STARVING since I haven't eaten my lunch yet.

Nicole called me a bit later to let me know that my progesterone level is 39, which is far above the 24 minimum they would see for an in-utero pregnancy - so it's probably not ectopic, either. Hooray!

4w, 4d: I slept in heavenly peace.

Wow, I actually slept like a baby last night. Really, really, really slept well. I woke up twice to go to the bathroom, but that's pretty standard pregnancy bladder for me, and I fell back asleep immediately after both wakings. WOW.

Now since getting up this morning I have been in countdown mode - only 2.5 hours left until I get my blood drawn! (I have no idea at what time Nicole will be calling me with the results... so I can't really count down to that.) My heart is "holding its breath" - I'm trying not to feel either way right now, because 1) if it's bad news, I don't want to be completely shocked and thrown off by "keeping my spirits up" all morning and 2) if it's good news, I don't see any sense in mourning for a baby that's not dead. So, I'm waiting. I have been doing a lot of waiting lately.

Alright, I need to get to work now so that this time will pass faster! Don't worry, I of course will update when I get the news, as soon as I call 1) my husband and 2) my mom.

Any prayers are appreciated.

Okay, blood drawn, oddly from my right arm, which no one has managed until today. I was worried she'd have to poke me several times, but she did it on the first try! Anyhow, __ hours and __ minutes until I find out the results. (Remember, I have no idea when that will be.)

Thursday, April 2, 2009

4w, 3d: Whom shall I fear?

UPDATE: More spotting this afternoon - not much and it's still brown. Nerve-wracking.

You guys are right - brown spotting doesn't mean the end of a pregnancy. What threw me off was the fever I had the night before (and reading all about how if it doesn't cause a miscarriage, at least it will completely mess up your baby's brain/nervous system) and how fast that brown spotting happened. I'm perhaps prematurely freaking out because, well, miscarriage is all that I know, and also because I told God on Tuesday night (with the fever) - Lord, if you are going to take this baby from me, take him or her now, so that I don't have as long to create as strong of a bond and therefore be more brokenhearted. BUT, I rethought that the second that blood showed up yesterday.

I believe the ectopic was mentioned because of the fever + bleeding. I mean, they are required to be extra careful, considering that is a very serious condition. I'm pretty sure that the fever and bleeding weren't actually connected, now that I think about it more, and were just some bizarre coincidences. The nurses I saw/talked to yesterday were not very encouraging, but they certainly did mention the possibility of this just being implantation spotting.

Praise the Lord, I haven't had more than a drop of spotting since 11:30 am yesterday, although I did have some AF-like cramping all day yesterday. I know that can be normal early in a pregnancy, so I tried not to worry about it too much. "Too much" being the key phrase there.

Here's a beautifully clear pregnancy test I took this morning. It doesn't clear matters up (I know I was pregnant at some point, it's just a matter of whether the numbers are still doubling), but it does leave me with a little more hope than I had yesterday.

Thank you all so very much for your prayers. I don't have news for you yet (that won't come until tomorrow afternoon), but I want you to know that since I asked you all to pray for me yesterday I have felt such a peace that I was not feeling before then. I was literally frantic in the shuttle over to the hospital, crying in the waiting rooms, scared to death during my appointment with the nurse practioner (I think the Ob/Gyn office fears dealing with me, really), but I haven't excessively worried since then - a miracle for my mind.

My fever broke last night, thank the Lord. I didn't know how long I would be taking Tylenol to suppress it. In fact, I tried to stop yesterday afternoon, when it had come down to 98.4, but it flew up to 101 before I knew it, which had me popping more Tylenol, holding cold compresses to my head and wrists, stripping down and lying in front of the air conditioner - I stopped short of forcing myself into an ice bath, but you get the picture. I am so thankful not to add that to my running list of things to be concerned about any more.

If you go back into the archives, you'll see that I just posted a bunch of posts that I was holding out on until I told you all I was pregnant. Since I broke that news yesterday, you might as well read the posts, right? Anything new (and pregnancy related) starts with "_w, _d:"

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

4w, 2d: I covet your prayers.

We haven't told anyone in real life this yet, but I am pregnant, 4 weeks, 2 days today, due December 7, 2009. I am only telling you guys now because this baby's life is possibly over already and we really covet your prayers right now.

Here's the story:
For the past few days I have had a sore throat. It wasn't too awful and I figured I would eventually just get over it. Last night, however, I was exhausted (normal for pregnancy) and after laying down for a while, I realized that I had the chills, and probably a fever. My temperature was 99.7 at that point. I took two tylenol immediately because I knew that the fever was just beginning and would be going up soon, and anything over 101 is not good for small fetuses. An hour later my temperature was up to 100.2. An hour after that, and right before I went to sleep, it was 99.7 again, so I felt that I could go to bed relaxed about the fever being controlled. I woke up at 3 am to take more tylenol and my temperature was 100.3 at that time. I took tylenol and went back to bed. When I woke up at 7, the fever was back down to 99.3, which was great. I felt like the danger had passed and I would be getting better today. I stayed home from work because I wanted to make sure I was completely better (and to not get others sick). I went back to sleep for a few hours and woke up to a 99.6 temperature at 10:30. I really had to go to the bathroom, so I went, and I quickly noticed brown blood in my panty liner. There was some when I urinated and a little more when I wiped. Not good.

I immediately called my nurse at the Ob/Gyn's office, and told her about the fever and the blood. She mentioned the word "ectopic," "no ultrasound yet, it's too early," and "quant hCGs." I was told to immediately go in and get my HCG levels measured at the lab, then come straight to the Ob/Gyn office to get my Rhogam shot. Poor left arm.

While at my Ob/Gyn appointment, the nurse practioner I saw attempted to give me hope, but also mentioned "ectopic," "the next time this happens," and "recurrent miscarriages." Not good.

Basically, if my hCG levels don't double by Friday, this is definitely a miscarriage (although I could see this playing out before then). Will you guys pray for us? I'm glad that this is happening earlier in the pregnancy than last time, but we were already counting on this Little One and had gotten our hopes up majorly (at least I had). Pray for our peace and that we would be able to continue to rely on God as our hope and our future.