Friday, February 27, 2009

March background - help me choose!

UPDATED: Okay, pink it is!

Alright, I'm going to need you guys to help me figure out which background to keep: pink, purple, or suggest your own color! I like the header the way it is, but I need to know which of these backgrounds to keep.

Here are our options:

Help me decide please! If you click on the picture, it should zoom to full screen so you can get a better idea.

Apology: the real Abbie will return eventually.

Sorry for the lack of post yesterday (and today, really). I have been busy at work and tired at home the last few days. I napped most of last night away (you know, besides the dishes and making Sloppy Joe's). Tonight we have to be out and about, and I predict falling asleep immediately upon returning.

I'm holding my breath right now. Not really feeling anything, just waiting. Always waiting.

I'm going to post the new header sometime this weekend. Look out for it!

Update: Because you folks are so good to me, and because I am in major need of a prize for all of the work I have done today, I posted the new header! Don't worry, I'm figuring out the color scheme for links and titles and such right now. That'll be coming soon.

Update #2: Hmmm, this is too much purple for me. Bear with me while I figure out what I really want here. Maybe you shouldn't come see the change until Monday!

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

I did something good this week!

I’ve been challenged to participate in a blog jubilee. Against my better judgment, I have been told to brag about something good, positive, uplifting, or kind that I did this past week. It’s not easy to boast about my thoughtfulness, but in return I will be allowed to build up and encourage other women! Feel free to visit Amanda at to join in the jubilee!

On Sunday morning, I woke up much earlier than I would have liked to, to do what I do every Sunday morning: teach a rowdy, energetic bunch of three year olds about God! I kept my cool with all of the children, even one in particular who drives me batty, and I was as silly as possible at 9 am. I'm pretty proud of that. :)

What good, positive, uplifting or kind thing did YOU do this past week?

MckCruise, anyone?

Anyone else considering going on the MckCruise? Wouldn't it be fun to meet each other?!? Just throwing it out there...

Also, real life friends - if you want an excuse to go on a cruise in the Caribbean in January 2010 (sailing from TX), you should come, too! Jonathan and I are going to at least strongly consider it, and we'll see when we look at the prices what we decide.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Time flies when you're... not having fun?

23 weeks today! Time is just absolutely flying by. I love you, Max, and miss you terribly.

My cousin Drew sent me a Flat Stanley for a tour around Boston, and I created him a blog. Yeah, I know, above and beyond, but hey, I'm bored out of my mind, so why not go crazy on my 9 year old cousin's school project? You can see his blog here:

Meanwhile, I'm getting super excited for the next few weeks... While trying to convince myself that AF (Aunt Flo) is coming on March 5: I will be surprised if she doesn't show up... I am not definitely pregnant right now. Settle down, why dontcha?!?

And I am only 3 DPO (days past ovulation) - my temps are almost exactly mimicking last month's post-O (ovulation) temps, and it was a much clearer jump last month, so I'm convinced... Which makes my HEDD (hopeful estimated due date) November 14. I like that date.

(Edited to include parenthetical explanations of the acronyms!)

Monday, February 23, 2009

Hope for the Weary

It is amazing to me that there are women all over the world, in the US, Canada, Italy, Israel, Pakistan, and the United Arab Emirates (and that is just the list from my visitors yesterday), who are so different in so many ways, but just alike in one very heartbreaking way: we have lost a baby. And for some of us, as if that was not heartbreaking enough, we had to take a medicine or have a surgery to get rid of our babies. They didn't just leave us, we had to force them out. Looking back, I'm not sure how I ever let them talk me into getting rid of my baby.

I always planned this blog to be for me, for my children, and my friends and family. But then there was a change in plans, and now I think it's more than that. I think that my blog is for all of you women who are miscarrying now or will ever miscarry. So that you can know that there is hope and a future after losing your baby. Because there is.

You will cry. I know that two months later I am still crying, maybe a little less often than then, but still a lot. I'm sure I have many, many more tears to cry. You will feel deep loss. You will feel the pain of a broken heart. You will despair and you will not know if life is worth this much pain.

But, you will also love. You will have compassion and empathy for others. You will feel more deeply than you did before. You will see the world in a different way. And you too will hope.

May God grant you peace in your time of suffering.

Not Me! Monday

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

As for me, I was not ill last week with a stomach virus from goodness knows where, and my sickness certainly wasn't exasperated by the cramping that I had ALL WEEK LONG. I was an absolute joy to be around last week and I certainly didn't snap at anyone because of the pain.

Of course, I know exactly when I ovulated this month, considering my thermometer is not a nut job that gives me random temperatures whenever it feels like it. I do not think it is possessed by an evil, evil man who tempted me into thinking I was pregnant last month. Not being either 2 or 4 DPO, I am certainly not convinced already that I am pregnant. That would be ridiculous and I would pay later for thinking that.

Of course, I didn't know that I was pregnant in September far before I tested positive, thus that is not feeding my probably empty hopes this time. Not me!

And I certainly can promise that eventually my Not Me! Monday posts will ever be about anything other than my cycle... Because, sorry, but I am not an obsessed woman!

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Friday, February 20, 2009


Hmm, well, I had planned a post for today, but I had so much work that I never got around to it. Sorry! Maybe I'll try to tackle it on Monday.

Hope you all have a good weekend. My plan for tomorrow is to RELAX. Ahhh, how nice that is going to be. :)

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Great balls of fire!

Umm, 263 people visited here yesterday. It's amazing what can happen when you're one of the first commenters on a popular site like C Jane.

Okay, now that my real life friends hate me: Jamie, Jennifer, Amy, PLEASE read the update #2 below, I wasn't dissing you guys - you're the best friends a girl could ask for... Thanks for reading my blog because you love me so much and always want to know what's going on in my life! Thanks for messaging me or calling me to make sure I'm okay and to ask if you can do anything for me. Thanks for bringing me meals and getting me out of my house and for all of your prayers and time spent worrying about me. I love you girls, and I pray to God that none of you will ever be able to empathize with me about miscarrying your child!

Goodness gracious, great balls of fire! That is pretty much how I would describe the fiery pain going on in my ovaries - please, for my sake (and thus your own), OVULATE. You are ripping my innards apart (and soon, I'm going to be). I'm going to start having to pop Advil, which will then set my stomach on fire. I'm BEGGING you. I realize you're only a day late. But, please, please, O-V-U-L-A-T-E.

I HATE my "new normal" (cycle, that is). Can you tell?

Sorry, I think that may be the only thing I can focus on right now... because of the PAIN.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

And we're back...

Sorry to be gone all weekend. I never really write on days off, and I was home sick yesterday, so I haven't been on since Friday.

  • I'm currently on CD14, waiting to O... should be any day now.
  • Max was 22 weeks yesterday. My goodness how time flies! It's going to be June before I know it.
  • My sweet husband puts up with a lot of crap from me. I love you, Jonny!
  • My cat got a stuffed Maltese from "Grandma" on Saturday - and proceeded to rip it limb from limb. Is this a bad sign for her relationship with a baby?
Alright, I have to run. Tons of work to do today (for once)!

UPDATE: You folks are just too good to me. There has been a commenting frenzy today, and I am just feeling so encouraged by you all. I love that I have friends online who can step in and support me in ways that people "in real life" can't. You girls are a huge blessing to me. Like Paul said, I thank my God for you every time I remember you.

If you read my blog and haven't commented yet, please do leave a comment sometime! I would love to know who you are and what your story is - I know there are many, many people who find my site by searching for "experience with cytotec" or something similar, and my heart hurts so much knowing that you may be alone while you are going through a miscarriage. Even if you leave an anonymous comment, at least I can use that to pray more specifically for you!

UPDATE #2: My in real life friends (especially the ones that read this blog, and are therefore up on my life!) are also very, very supportive - I just wanted to make that clear. You girls are the best friends a girl could ask for! There's just a different way that I can be supported by people who have been through what I've been through, and I don't know anyone in real life who has. I love you guys and thank God for you every day, too!

Friday, February 13, 2009

Go read MckMama's post today in lieu of something from me.

Yay for 2000 hits today.

MckMama's post today is particularly touching. Go on over and read it, especially if you are a mommy with a baby in heaven.

I don't know if I have anything to say today. Tomorrow's my birthday... but also the two month anniversary of Max leaving me. Bittersweet.

Sorry, now I'm crying and I need to go. I miss you, sweet baby boy.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

What's the point?

I've been struggling a lot recently with my purpose. I've always known that I was going to be a mommy when I grew up - that has always been my dream (although there was a time period where I wanted to also be an astronaut). Currently, I am working to support my husband and myself while he is finishing his Master's degree, which occupies most of my time. The problem with my job (although I love what I do) is that I have barely enough work to keep me busy for two hours a day. That means the other six hours I sit and stare at my computer monitor - thus the blogging during work, reading tons and tons of blogs, always being up on the latest news, etc. I have asked for more work, but there's really not anything to give me, and when they do give me projects, they never last for more then an hour or two.

So, when I get home from work, I've usually already been bored for most of the day, sitting at a computer, spacing out. I cook dinner, clean up after dinner, and then.... nothing. My husband has his homework or thesis to work on, and I really don't have anything to do. I do enjoy reading, I like video games, I'll watch TV, but there are nights (like last night) where I just want to sleep my boredom away (which my husband does NOT let me do). I mean, don't get me wrong, it's nice to have time to relax, but all of the things I do at night are completely pointless. I feel like I'm wandering around in circles, with no meaning.

My husband told me that I need to find myself something that gives me purpose, and well, duh, I want to do that, but I just don't know what to do. Everything that I can do to pass the time is just that... passing the time. Isn't that a waste of life? I feel like my current life is just me ticking down the days until I can start my "new life" as a mom.

And in four months I am going to be JOB FREE in a new place with no friends, no car during the work hours and no public transportation, which means sitting at home all. day. long. What in the world am I going to do then?!? (I mean, unpacking can only take so long, and decorating your apartment costs money. :-P)

I don't mean for you all to try to come up with things for me to do. I guess I just want to know if other people have dealt with this before.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Header for March

Bwahahaha, I've finished my March header! I'm excited for it. I really, really like it. :) I think you guys will be pretty impressed with the leaps my Photoshop skills have taken.

Too bad you have to wait two more weeks to see it!

Thus far has the LORD helped us.

Come, Thou Fount of every blessing,
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace;
Streams of mercy, never ceasing,
Call for songs of loudest praise.
Teach me some melodious sonnet,
Sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount! I’m fixed upon it,
Mount of Thy redeeming love.

Sorrowing I shall be in spirit,
Till released from flesh and sin,
Yet from what I do inherit,
Here Thy praises I’ll begin;
Here I raise my Ebenezer;
Here by Thy great help I’ve come;
And I hope, by Thy good pleasure,
Safely to arrive at home.

Jesus sought me when a stranger,
Wandering from the fold of God;
He, to rescue me from danger,
Interposed His precious blood;
How His kindness yet pursues me
Mortal tongue can never tell,
Clothed in flesh, till death shall loose me
I cannot proclaim it well.

O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I’m constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here’s my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.

O that day when freed from sinning,
I shall see Thy lovely face;
Clothed then in blood washed linen
How I’ll sing Thy sovereign grace;
Come, my Lord, no longer tarry,
Take my ransomed soul away;
Send thine angels now to carry
Me to realms of endless day.

I Samuel 7:12-13
Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Shen. He named it Ebenezer, saying, "Thus far has the LORD helped us." So the Philistines were subdued and did not invade Israelite territory again.


The Israelites were facing a HUGE enemy that they could not fight on their own. Samuel, their wise leader, told them that if they committed themselves to the Lord, He would deliver them from the hands of their enemies. And He did.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

21 weeks

Are you people sick of me yet? I feel like I need to keep a count down going on here, or I'm going to forget what week it is... I'm now in the stage where I didn't have appointments scheduled for this time, I don't have the weeks memorized already from counting ahead... I'm almost in a panic because I feel like I'm not taking care of my baby. I think this is mommy guilt, miscarriage-style.

I can't believe that it's been 9 weeks already! Time flies so fast. Saturday, my birthday, is the two-month anniversary of his sac passing (his birthday?).

Speaking of which, recognizing dates with a miscarriage is hard... I don't know when Max died. I only know when I found out he was dead, when I took the cytotec to miscarry him, and when his sac actually passed. How do you count that? Which one matters the most? Can I say his "birthday" was December 14, when he came out of me? Is it weird for me to say he "died" on December 9, when we found out he was dead? It was such a pivotal week for me. Every day brought a new struggle, a new part of my life. And now trying to give him one "date" to celebrate him on is reducing his importance. For people that die after they are born, they get a series of dates that mark their life - a birthday and a death day. But what about people who die before they are born? How do you mark those important days? How do you count their life?

Okay, I need to stop this. I have tears pouring out of my eyes right now and I am at work. I can't think about this. I'm sorry, Max. Your mommy has to forget about you for now.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Meeup Baby Carrier giveaway!

Most of my readers don't have children, but just in case, here's a great giveaway for a Meeup carrier - entry is free! Go visit 4 Little Men and enter!

Not Me! Monday

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

I did not cry at work several times last week. And since I wasn't crying, I obviously did not pretend to have a cold to cover up said crying. I certainly did not consider asking to go home under the ruse that I wasn't feeling very well.

I am not dismayed that I am not pregnant, even though we were officially not trying last month. I would never let my hopes up in response to mere temperatures. Not me! And, of course, I did not threaten my husband that if he did not get me pregnant this month, he would be in huge trouble. Because I love my husband, and threatening him wouldn't be very kind.

And I did not follow up last week's crying and crying harder theme with a fun, relaxing weekend. I did not enjoy going to Applebee's with my cousin, Amy, and her husband and daughter, or the enormous piece of fudge cake from Cheesecake Factory that followed. Not me!

Friday, February 6, 2009

Achy breaky heart

I'm missing my Max so much today. I'm not sure what the trigger was - maybe reading about lots of babies on blogs. Also, MckMama had a sweet post about loving being a mom and I think that kinda pushed me over the edge. Crying at work is always fun. Luckily, my desk faces away from everyone else, so as long as no one comes up to me, I'm okay. Except for the whole heart breaking over and over thing. How do I keep going when I hurt so much?

Thursday, February 5, 2009

The gig is up

Temp went down today, thus AF is on her way. See, that's one reason I like to temp - I knew not to hope any more as of 5:30 this morning. (Plus, now I can take Advil for these awful cramps.) Oh well. At least she should be over for my birthday next Saturday - that's good news at least!

I want my baby back. I already did this patiently waiting to get pregnant thing. I shouldn't have to go through this again so soon. Why don't I have my little Max?

Update at 4:25 pm: And she's here. What is up with my 24 day cycle? Am I lucky (in that we can try to get pregnant more often) or unlucky (in that I have farrrr more days of AF than most women, considering mine last 5-6 days and I get her about every 3.5 weeks)?

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Temping and me

I hab a bad cowd (translation: I have a bad cold). Sneezing, sniffly, sore throat - the whole shebang. It's sad to wake up sick. :(

I have decided that I think too much about things. In fact, I woke up at 4:30, 5:15, 5:45, and 6:30 this morning because my brain wouldn't turn off! I don't know what to do. It's not like I was sitting there making myself worry - I was too tired to be doing that. But I just kept waking up and finding my mind thinking about every possibility that could occur when I temped this morning - high? low? falsely high because I'm not sleeping? high, but not falsely, but I think it's falsely because I'm not sleeping? Sigh.

What do I do? Should I stop temping? (I'm such a scientist, and I love collecting these data points that I can use to predict the future. I'm not sure how I would deal without temping!)

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Tuesday again.

20 weeks down, 20 more to go. Sadly, there won't be a sweet, cuddly baby at the end of those 20 weeks. I wish I could just sleep through Tuesdays!

Monday, February 2, 2009

Please read me!

On the off chance that I am pregnant, I decided to remove my link to my cycle chart. I have some IRL (in real life) friends who read this blog every day, and I want to be able to tell them IN PERSON if I am pregnant again, before they find out on the internet. Plus, I think my parents might be (rightly) a wee bit mad if they knew that the internet found out before they did. :-P

With our next baby (whenever he/she may be conceived), we may choose to hold off on telling people until somewhere between 6-8 weeks, so if you don't hear about AF from me, please keep your guessing to yourself! Don't ask me so that I don't have to lie to you!!!

Not Me! Monday

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

I did not have friends over at my house the past three days! I would never have thought that I could be well-rested after a weekend of hosting. Not me!

I was not watching the Superbowl last night, screaming my head off for players to RUN FASTER and CATCH THE BALL! I am not a loud person at all. I was certainly not ecstatic that the Steelers won!

I was not happy and content about the fact that my post-O temps were very stable and looking like a non-pregnancy. Not me!

But, a dip today at 9 DPO has not convinced me that I am, in fact, pregnant. Because that would be counting my chickens waaaaaay before they're hatched! Oh boy.