A Letter to My Son

Dear Max,

What can a mother say to the baby boy that she will never hold?

First of all, I miss you so much. From the moment we found out that you were no longer with us on earth, my heart broke into a thousand pieces. I will never completely heal from that break, and I know that I will always miss you, always wonder who you would have been and what you would have looked like. I miss not getting to hold you for the first time, I miss your first smile, your first day of kindergarten, your wedding, but mostly just YOU. Even though I only held you in my body for a few short weeks, you are my sweet baby boy, the one I will always long for.

Second, I am so sorry if it was my body that let you down in some way. I can't bear the thought that it might have been my fault that you died - it's tearing me to pieces. My only comfort is that your days were numbered by God, and that it was in His will and plan that your life would be so short. But I am sorry if I failed you in the short time that I was your mother.

Third, you are so precious to me. Even though I am sad right now, your life was such a blessing, and you gave your father and me so much joy and hope. You were wanted and longed for, and still are, and you will never be considered a mistake or an accident or a fluke. Even though I don't get to keep you as my child here on earth, every second of your life was worthwhile and good.

In the midst of my pain, I am so glad for some things. Most of all, I am glad that you are with Jesus. He loves little children and is a much better parent than your father or I ever could have been, so I am so glad that you are with Him, since you cannot be with us. I am also so thankful that you now have a perfect body. The doctors tell me that you probably had a problem that you never could have lived with on earth, and I am glad that you died before you even had a chance to experience pain. I am also exceedingly thankful that you will never experience sorrow. Your too-short life has given me my first truly broken heart, and I thank God over and over that you will never have to feel what that feels like. You get to walk in the presence of the Almighty God, and I cannot imagine the joy that you have right now.

I don't know what heaven's like, but I want you to find your two great-grandpas and your aunts and uncles, and make sure they give you plenty of hugs while I'm not there to give them to you. Grandpa Chuck is one of the best men that I ever knew, and I know he must be so happy to get to meet you. I can't wait to join you, little Max; I know that one day we will be together again, and my body and spirit truly are aching for that day.

I love you, Max, forever and ever and always.

Your mommy