Happy would-have-been earthly birthday to my Max, who would have been one year old today. How quickly time flies.
I bet that you are having a much more rocking birthday party in heaven than I ever could have given you here, but I wish I could be there to see it! Glad to know that you are having a perfect day. :)
Love,
Mommy
Showing posts with label mourning Max. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mourning Max. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Happy 18 months in heaven, Max!
One more post today, since I happened to notice that today is the 18 month anniversary of Max's heavenly birthday! What a journey the past 18 months have been, and how privileged am I to have a son who is in front of the King worshipping Him forever. I can't wait to sing this song with you to our Father's face!
The Revelation Song by Phillips, Craig and Dean
Worthy is the
Lamb who was slain
Holy, Holy is He
I sing a new song, to Him who sits on
Heaven's Mercy Seat
Holy, Holy, Holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
Who was, and is, and is to come
With all creation I sing:
Praise to the King of Kings!
You are my everything,
And I will adore You!
Yeah!
Clothed in rainbows, of living color
Flashes of lightning, rolls of thunder
Blessing and honor, strength and
Glory and power be
To You the Only Wise King,
Yeah!
Filled with wonder,
Awestruck wonder
At the mention of Your Name
Jesus, Your Name is Power
Breath, and Living Water
Such a marvelous mystery
Yeah!
Holy, Holy, Holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
Who was, and is, and is to come,
With all creation I sing:
Praise to the King of Kings!
You are my everything,
And I will adore you!
The Revelation Song by Phillips, Craig and Dean
Worthy is the
Lamb who was slain
Holy, Holy is He
I sing a new song, to Him who sits on
Heaven's Mercy Seat
Holy, Holy, Holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
Who was, and is, and is to come
With all creation I sing:
Praise to the King of Kings!
You are my everything,
And I will adore You!
Yeah!
Clothed in rainbows, of living color
Flashes of lightning, rolls of thunder
Blessing and honor, strength and
Glory and power be
To You the Only Wise King,
Yeah!
Filled with wonder,
Awestruck wonder
At the mention of Your Name
Jesus, Your Name is Power
Breath, and Living Water
Such a marvelous mystery
Yeah!
Holy, Holy, Holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
Who was, and is, and is to come,
With all creation I sing:
Praise to the King of Kings!
You are my everything,
And I will adore you!
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Exalting in the LORD
I survived Mother's Day - actually, I would say I more than survived. I smiled some, I cried some, and I was so thankful for sweet friends and my kind husband who all helped me get through it. And the sweet thought that maybe next year I will have a baby.
Now I have to get through next Monday... Olivia's first heavenly birthday! What a joyful and yet sad day.
"Though the fig tree should not blossom
And there be no fruit on the vines,
Though the yield of the olive should fail
And the fields produce no food,
Though the flock should be cut off from the fold
And there be no cattle in the stalls,
Yet I will exalt in the LORD,
I will rejoice in the God of my salvation.
The LORD God is my strength
And He has made my feet like hinds' feet,
And makes me walk on my high places."
-Habakkuk 3:17-19
Now I have to get through next Monday... Olivia's first heavenly birthday! What a joyful and yet sad day.
"Though the fig tree should not blossom
And there be no fruit on the vines,
Though the yield of the olive should fail
And the fields produce no food,
Though the flock should be cut off from the fold
And there be no cattle in the stalls,
Yet I will exalt in the LORD,
I will rejoice in the God of my salvation.
The LORD God is my strength
And He has made my feet like hinds' feet,
And makes me walk on my high places."
-Habakkuk 3:17-19
Monday, April 19, 2010
What I am learning from counseling
"Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Phil. 1:6
"He who is carrying it on is not one who can be baffled and forced to give up his design. He is able to carry it out in the unlikeliest circumstances and against the most resolute resistance. Everything must give way before Him. This thought is, I confess, to me one of the most comforting connected with the discipline. If it could fail! If God could be frustrated in His designs after we have suffered so much, it would be awful!" -Horatius Bonar
"Remember how the LORD your God led you all the way in the desert these forty years, to humble you and to test you... He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna... to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD." -Deuteronomy 8:2-3
I don't think I can say it any better than these verses have said it. Thank you, Laura, for walking through this time with me!
"He who is carrying it on is not one who can be baffled and forced to give up his design. He is able to carry it out in the unlikeliest circumstances and against the most resolute resistance. Everything must give way before Him. This thought is, I confess, to me one of the most comforting connected with the discipline. If it could fail! If God could be frustrated in His designs after we have suffered so much, it would be awful!" -Horatius Bonar
"Remember how the LORD your God led you all the way in the desert these forty years, to humble you and to test you... He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna... to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD." -Deuteronomy 8:2-3
I don't think I can say it any better than these verses have said it. Thank you, Laura, for walking through this time with me!
Thursday, October 15, 2009
National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day
I had a rather peaceful day today, which was not what I expected on my first October 15 on this side of pregnancy loss.
Last October 15, I took my first positive pregnancy test, and knew the pure bliss of motherhood for the next 8 weeks. What a joy those 8 weeks were. If only I could go back...
On December 9 my husband and I found out that our baby had not formed properly and that we would not be bringing him home in June. We named him Max Samuel.
Then in the end of March, we learned that we were expecting another baby. We had the great joy of seeing her several times via ultrasound. Her little heart beat for three and a half weeks, and then she was gone. Her name is Olivia Faith.
Thank you all for lighting your candles in memory of my babies and of yours. I felt at peace knowing that others were remembering my babies and knowing that I wasn't alone today in mourning. We won't forget them!
I love you, Livie and Max! Mommy misses you so much!
Last October 15, I took my first positive pregnancy test, and knew the pure bliss of motherhood for the next 8 weeks. What a joy those 8 weeks were. If only I could go back...
On December 9 my husband and I found out that our baby had not formed properly and that we would not be bringing him home in June. We named him Max Samuel.
Then in the end of March, we learned that we were expecting another baby. We had the great joy of seeing her several times via ultrasound. Her little heart beat for three and a half weeks, and then she was gone. Her name is Olivia Faith.
Thank you all for lighting your candles in memory of my babies and of yours. I felt at peace knowing that others were remembering my babies and knowing that I wasn't alone today in mourning. We won't forget them!
I love you, Livie and Max! Mommy misses you so much!
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
The Big Plunge
I finally took The Big Plunge and made an appointment to finish my recurrent pregnancy loss (RPL) testing before trying to get pregnant a third time. I'll be seeing a high-risk pregnancy doctor in Baltimore, who will finish the testing that I wasn't able to have done in Boston before we moved. She will also be able and hopefully more willing to monitor my next pregnancy more cautiously than an regular Ob/Gyn. My appointment isn't until September 21 (not too bad for a brand new patient), so we will have to be careful to not get me pregnant next cycle! Less than five weeks to go...
I decided to get testing before a third pregnancy because of an online talk I heard from a RPL specialist at Shady Grove Fertility Clinic. He basically said that although doctors used to make patients wait for three miscarriages, it's hard for them to tell patients that they need to wait for a third dead baby to have testing done, especially with the low difference in chances of miscarrying after a second and third loss. A lot of patients with unexplained RPL have successful pregnancies with TLC and a few harmless, possibly helpful treatments (like baby aspirin to help prevent clotting and progesterone in case of low progesterone, even though they don't know if this actually prevents miscarriage or not). After listening to his talk, I felt a little less crazy for wanting testing done now.
It's hard to not know anyone in real life who has had two losses before any successful pregnancies. Sometimes I feel like everyone around me is thinking that I must be a hypochondriac, that I'm just making this up. Or that because I am pessimistic in general that I am blowing this up to be a bigger deal than it is. It's hard, too, because I'm not a part of the infertility sisterhood. I felt like I couldn't make an appointment at Shady Grove Fertility Clinic because I could be taking the spot of someone who can't get pregnant on her own, and that wouldn't be fair. I can get pregnant on my own, rather easily, I just don't keep the babies.
I was thinking about skipping trying to get pregnant next month, anyway. I can only imagine the terror I would have had to have another baby due in June, to have another loss in December. Although part of me thinks, hey, why shouldn't I let the bad dates pile up in December; then I will just have a really, really rough month instead of spreading out the loss throughout the year. (I found out on December 9 last year that Max had died; I miscarried him on December 14; Olivia was due on December 7 or 16, depending on whether you trust the U/S date or my dating.)
What would you have done?
I decided to get testing before a third pregnancy because of an online talk I heard from a RPL specialist at Shady Grove Fertility Clinic. He basically said that although doctors used to make patients wait for three miscarriages, it's hard for them to tell patients that they need to wait for a third dead baby to have testing done, especially with the low difference in chances of miscarrying after a second and third loss. A lot of patients with unexplained RPL have successful pregnancies with TLC and a few harmless, possibly helpful treatments (like baby aspirin to help prevent clotting and progesterone in case of low progesterone, even though they don't know if this actually prevents miscarriage or not). After listening to his talk, I felt a little less crazy for wanting testing done now.
It's hard to not know anyone in real life who has had two losses before any successful pregnancies. Sometimes I feel like everyone around me is thinking that I must be a hypochondriac, that I'm just making this up. Or that because I am pessimistic in general that I am blowing this up to be a bigger deal than it is. It's hard, too, because I'm not a part of the infertility sisterhood. I felt like I couldn't make an appointment at Shady Grove Fertility Clinic because I could be taking the spot of someone who can't get pregnant on her own, and that wouldn't be fair. I can get pregnant on my own, rather easily, I just don't keep the babies.
I was thinking about skipping trying to get pregnant next month, anyway. I can only imagine the terror I would have had to have another baby due in June, to have another loss in December. Although part of me thinks, hey, why shouldn't I let the bad dates pile up in December; then I will just have a really, really rough month instead of spreading out the loss throughout the year. (I found out on December 9 last year that Max had died; I miscarried him on December 14; Olivia was due on December 7 or 16, depending on whether you trust the U/S date or my dating.)
What would you have done?
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Happy Birthday to Max
We visited the local Vineyard (the kind of church I grew up in) and they were advertising for a Jeremy Riddle concert for his cd “The Now and the Not Yet “- it was the first time in a while that I had been reminded of that phrase, as I haven’t been in a Vineyard for three years now. I thought that it was the perfect phrase to summarize how God is answering my prayers for a child… not yet. But it’s so sweet to think that my Max and Olivia are in the “now.” Everything in their lives is perfect – no crying, no pain, no sadness. They don’t have to wait their whole lives for healing from whatever possible genetic defects they would have had, they are healed now. Praise God.
Today is my Max’s birthday; well, really his due date, but I’d like to think of today as his birthday, instead of that awful day that I lost him six months ago. I dressed up for him today, even though I can’t be celebrating with him in my arms. I hope that God is throwing him a party right now, since I can’t do it.
A few days ago I found some onesies that my husband and I had bought before we were married, specifically because one of them said “Little Engineer” on it, and that is a play off of our school mascot – “We are, we are, we are, we are the MIT Engineers.” Anyhow, they were little boy onesies and so preciously little. I wish I could have been bringing him home in one today.
I’ve really been dreading this day for the past week, as I’ve had more time to think about its impending arrival. I thought that I might feel more disconnected from him, that there would be a bigger gap created by my “not being pregnant with him” any more. But I don’t feel further away from him, just a little more at peace with his not being here.
So this is my song for you, Maxie. Mommy loves you and she can’t wait to meet you – not yet, but that day is getting closer every day!
Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday dear Max
Happy birthday to you.
Today is my Max’s birthday; well, really his due date, but I’d like to think of today as his birthday, instead of that awful day that I lost him six months ago. I dressed up for him today, even though I can’t be celebrating with him in my arms. I hope that God is throwing him a party right now, since I can’t do it.
A few days ago I found some onesies that my husband and I had bought before we were married, specifically because one of them said “Little Engineer” on it, and that is a play off of our school mascot – “We are, we are, we are, we are the MIT Engineers.” Anyhow, they were little boy onesies and so preciously little. I wish I could have been bringing him home in one today.
I’ve really been dreading this day for the past week, as I’ve had more time to think about its impending arrival. I thought that I might feel more disconnected from him, that there would be a bigger gap created by my “not being pregnant with him” any more. But I don’t feel further away from him, just a little more at peace with his not being here.
So this is my song for you, Maxie. Mommy loves you and she can’t wait to meet you – not yet, but that day is getting closer every day!
Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday dear Max
Happy birthday to you.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
36 weeks, 12 weeks
Max would have been 36 weeks today - can you even believe it? His due date is coming up quickly here. I wonder if the size of my stomach would have blown my mind away. I wonder if he would have been long and lean like his daddy or small like his mommy. I wonder what it would be like to be unbelievable uncomfortable right now, with little feet pushing into my ribs.
Olivia would have been 12 weeks yesterday, according to my original due date - I can't believe it's only been 8 weeks since I found out about her, it seems like a lifetime. I can't believe my first trimester would have been just about over now. I wish I could get to see her one more time.
I also wonder - when Olivia's due date in December comes around, will I be mourning or rejoicing?
Olivia would have been 12 weeks yesterday, according to my original due date - I can't believe it's only been 8 weeks since I found out about her, it seems like a lifetime. I can't believe my first trimester would have been just about over now. I wish I could get to see her one more time.
I also wonder - when Olivia's due date in December comes around, will I be mourning or rejoicing?
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Letter to my son at his 30 week mark
Dear Max,
With all of the craziness surrounding Baby #2, I completely missed your 30 week mark yesterday. That really hurts me, that I'm so caught up in the anxiety of this new pregnancy that I didn't even stop for a moment to remember you, my first baby.
I'm so sorry, Max. I miss you so much and I wish that you had stayed with me and that this new baby never had to be imagined, much less conceived and worried over in your place. I'm sorry that you've been put on the back burner right now and that your mommy isn't taking care of you in the only way that she can, by remembering you. I'm sorry that I am such a disappointment as a mom.
I wish I could leave this awful life and come to live with you. I can't come close to enjoying this current baby, can't even picture it as a real baby most of the time, you seem like my only child and I feel like I am losing you over and over again. It hurts so bad to lose you again.
I miss you, Max. I wish I could get my way in this, and have you with me, here or there. My heart yearns for that, especially on these days that I am so broken by fear and anguish. Please don't hate me. I love you so much.
-your mommy
With all of the craziness surrounding Baby #2, I completely missed your 30 week mark yesterday. That really hurts me, that I'm so caught up in the anxiety of this new pregnancy that I didn't even stop for a moment to remember you, my first baby.
I'm so sorry, Max. I miss you so much and I wish that you had stayed with me and that this new baby never had to be imagined, much less conceived and worried over in your place. I'm sorry that you've been put on the back burner right now and that your mommy isn't taking care of you in the only way that she can, by remembering you. I'm sorry that I am such a disappointment as a mom.
I wish I could leave this awful life and come to live with you. I can't come close to enjoying this current baby, can't even picture it as a real baby most of the time, you seem like my only child and I feel like I am losing you over and over again. It hurts so bad to lose you again.
I miss you, Max. I wish I could get my way in this, and have you with me, here or there. My heart yearns for that, especially on these days that I am so broken by fear and anguish. Please don't hate me. I love you so much.
-your mommy
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
T minus three months
Yesterday marked three months until my due date. I can't believe that I got pregnant six months ago! Can you imagine how huge I would be right now? Three more months, Maxie, until your zeroeth birthday!
Emotionally, I feel like I am doing much better. I'm more irrational at certain times in my cycle, but at least I know when they are coming, and I have less of a day-to-day battle.
I also feel prepared now for another baby. I wanted to get pregnant so quickly after Max, and I think that that was so I could have almost viewed that baby as Max, just staying in slightly longer than he would have. I think I'm at a point emotionally now that I'm okay (well, as okay as a mommy can be) with my baby waiting for me in heaven and that any future baby will get to have/be a separate experience from Max.
I still miss you so much, Max, and I really wish that you could be kicking in my tummy right now, keeping me from sleeping and growing big and strong, but I know you are so happy where you are and I'm glad. Help God pick out your baby brother or sister and give them a kiss for me!
Emotionally, I feel like I am doing much better. I'm more irrational at certain times in my cycle, but at least I know when they are coming, and I have less of a day-to-day battle.
I also feel prepared now for another baby. I wanted to get pregnant so quickly after Max, and I think that that was so I could have almost viewed that baby as Max, just staying in slightly longer than he would have. I think I'm at a point emotionally now that I'm okay (well, as okay as a mommy can be) with my baby waiting for me in heaven and that any future baby will get to have/be a separate experience from Max.
I still miss you so much, Max, and I really wish that you could be kicking in my tummy right now, keeping me from sleeping and growing big and strong, but I know you are so happy where you are and I'm glad. Help God pick out your baby brother or sister and give them a kiss for me!
Friday, March 13, 2009
A Good Substitute
Editor's note:
Sometimes I try to edit myself on what I write on this blog, thinking that you all couldn't possibly be interested or want to hear the same thing for the 50th time in a row. But I'm realizing more and more that this is not your blog, it's mine, and really, I need to say what I need to say. Whether you guys read it or not is a moot point.
Not that I don't love you all... Because I do. And I appreciate you so much for coming here and grieving with me and being my friends. It is very nice to have an audience for my feelings. It's just that it's more necessary for me to get out my feelings, rather than make myself more interesting or less annoying or happier or whatever.
(I'm not convinced that this Editor's note has anything to do with the below post. I was going to post about something else, and then got caught up in some different thoughts. But in general, I think it still applies, so I'm going to leave it.)
Real post:
I'm considering becoming a substitute teacher for a few months in the fall (or until I have a baby... who really knows how long it's going to take to get pregnant). I've had this kind of floating thought that after my kids are in school (as in, middle school or high school when I'm done home schooling) that I'm going to become a high school chemistry/science teacher. But I'm realizing that I have no idea whether I actually even want to be a teacher. I've taught Sunday school before, but my kids were 1st graders and now three year olds. I know I enjoy teaching three year olds (although maybe not on a daily basis :-P), but I don't really know my feelings about teaching high schoolers. What if I go back to school some day, pay lots of money to get my Masters (in Teaching/Education) and then hate it? So, I've come up with the idea of trying out substitute teaching. Did you know that you only need a high school diploma to do that? (They pay more if you have a certain number of college credits, or even more if you have a degree, but that's beside the point.) In any case, I'm going to think about it more, but I'll probably apply this summer and hopefully have some work to do in the fall. My major concern is lack of sleep. I don't do well without sleep, and I'm not good at going to bed at a decent time when my husband's around to talk to. (It's too much like having your best friend over for a slumber party every single day!)
On a different note: there's also been some Drama (yes, with a capital D) going on in the Christian blogging world over the past few days. Seems some Christians have gotten themselves in trouble for judging other Christians for not "shining their light" or whatever. I don't do well with judgment (read: I'm a cry baby), so I'm just glad I haven't had any of that over here. Because I'm not sure that I'm "shining my light" so well.
I'm not one of those Christians that likes to think that Jesus has made her world perfect and that I need to tell everyone how perfect my world is. Because He doesn't make everything perfect, sadly. If He did, our babies would still be here. I've been mad at God for taking my baby. He didn't need Max, why didn't He just leave him with me? But this world is messed up (corrupted by sin, just like us) and bad things happen because of that. He didn't make it this way; we made it this way. And He had to give up His son to fix what we did. I'm eternally in his debt, and every child he does give me is a gift, not something that is owed to me.
Okay, that's all I have to say. Not that it wasn't a lot.
Sometimes I try to edit myself on what I write on this blog, thinking that you all couldn't possibly be interested or want to hear the same thing for the 50th time in a row. But I'm realizing more and more that this is not your blog, it's mine, and really, I need to say what I need to say. Whether you guys read it or not is a moot point.
Not that I don't love you all... Because I do. And I appreciate you so much for coming here and grieving with me and being my friends. It is very nice to have an audience for my feelings. It's just that it's more necessary for me to get out my feelings, rather than make myself more interesting or less annoying or happier or whatever.
(I'm not convinced that this Editor's note has anything to do with the below post. I was going to post about something else, and then got caught up in some different thoughts. But in general, I think it still applies, so I'm going to leave it.)
Real post:
I'm considering becoming a substitute teacher for a few months in the fall (or until I have a baby... who really knows how long it's going to take to get pregnant). I've had this kind of floating thought that after my kids are in school (as in, middle school or high school when I'm done home schooling) that I'm going to become a high school chemistry/science teacher. But I'm realizing that I have no idea whether I actually even want to be a teacher. I've taught Sunday school before, but my kids were 1st graders and now three year olds. I know I enjoy teaching three year olds (although maybe not on a daily basis :-P), but I don't really know my feelings about teaching high schoolers. What if I go back to school some day, pay lots of money to get my Masters (in Teaching/Education) and then hate it? So, I've come up with the idea of trying out substitute teaching. Did you know that you only need a high school diploma to do that? (They pay more if you have a certain number of college credits, or even more if you have a degree, but that's beside the point.) In any case, I'm going to think about it more, but I'll probably apply this summer and hopefully have some work to do in the fall. My major concern is lack of sleep. I don't do well without sleep, and I'm not good at going to bed at a decent time when my husband's around to talk to. (It's too much like having your best friend over for a slumber party every single day!)
On a different note: there's also been some Drama (yes, with a capital D) going on in the Christian blogging world over the past few days. Seems some Christians have gotten themselves in trouble for judging other Christians for not "shining their light" or whatever. I don't do well with judgment (read: I'm a cry baby), so I'm just glad I haven't had any of that over here. Because I'm not sure that I'm "shining my light" so well.
I'm not one of those Christians that likes to think that Jesus has made her world perfect and that I need to tell everyone how perfect my world is. Because He doesn't make everything perfect, sadly. If He did, our babies would still be here. I've been mad at God for taking my baby. He didn't need Max, why didn't He just leave him with me? But this world is messed up (corrupted by sin, just like us) and bad things happen because of that. He didn't make it this way; we made it this way. And He had to give up His son to fix what we did. I'm eternally in his debt, and every child he does give me is a gift, not something that is owed to me.
Okay, that's all I have to say. Not that it wasn't a lot.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Bitter-sweet
by George Herbert
Ah my deare angrie Lord,
Since thou dost love, yet strike;
Cast down, yet help afford;
Sure I will do the like.
I will complain, yet praise;
I will bewail, approve:
And all my sowre-sweet dayes
I will lament, and love.
24 weeks today, and I've now (by every count) been without my Max as long as I had him with me. That is overwhelmingly sad to me.
Ah my deare angrie Lord,
Since thou dost love, yet strike;
Cast down, yet help afford;
Sure I will do the like.
I will complain, yet praise;
I will bewail, approve:
And all my sowre-sweet dayes
I will lament, and love.
24 weeks today, and I've now (by every count) been without my Max as long as I had him with me. That is overwhelmingly sad to me.
Hope doesn't mean you get what you want.
Last night I had the most wonderful dream. It was so vivid, as real to me as if I was actually experiencing it. Someone, I don't remember how I knew this person, gave their baby to me for a day. He was so sweet, I smelled his little head, stroked his cheek, tickled his toes, kissed him all over. I fed him a bottle and just cuddled him. And then he was gone and I was awake, and I felt like someone had taken my Max away all over again. It was awful. But, I still had the hope of a new pregnancy.
Until I temped. 97.92, which at 10 DPO is not a good sign. Oh, that and the cramps and backache that I then realized were what woke me up so early.
If my period comes today (which I could be wrong, but I have a feeling that it might), that means a 9 day luteal phase. Which is not anywhere near enough to sustain a pregnancy.
I think my body is flipping me off right now.
Until I temped. 97.92, which at 10 DPO is not a good sign. Oh, that and the cramps and backache that I then realized were what woke me up so early.
If my period comes today (which I could be wrong, but I have a feeling that it might), that means a 9 day luteal phase. Which is not anywhere near enough to sustain a pregnancy.
I think my body is flipping me off right now.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
21 weeks
Are you people sick of me yet? I feel like I need to keep a count down going on here, or I'm going to forget what week it is... I'm now in the stage where I didn't have appointments scheduled for this time, I don't have the weeks memorized already from counting ahead... I'm almost in a panic because I feel like I'm not taking care of my baby. I think this is mommy guilt, miscarriage-style.
I can't believe that it's been 9 weeks already! Time flies so fast. Saturday, my birthday, is the two-month anniversary of his sac passing (his birthday?).
Speaking of which, recognizing dates with a miscarriage is hard... I don't know when Max died. I only know when I found out he was dead, when I took the cytotec to miscarry him, and when his sac actually passed. How do you count that? Which one matters the most? Can I say his "birthday" was December 14, when he came out of me? Is it weird for me to say he "died" on December 9, when we found out he was dead? It was such a pivotal week for me. Every day brought a new struggle, a new part of my life. And now trying to give him one "date" to celebrate him on is reducing his importance. For people that die after they are born, they get a series of dates that mark their life - a birthday and a death day. But what about people who die before they are born? How do you mark those important days? How do you count their life?
Okay, I need to stop this. I have tears pouring out of my eyes right now and I am at work. I can't think about this. I'm sorry, Max. Your mommy has to forget about you for now.
Friday, February 6, 2009
Achy breaky heart
I'm missing my Max so much today. I'm not sure what the trigger was - maybe reading about lots of babies on blogs. Also, MckMama had a sweet post about loving being a mom and I think that kinda pushed me over the edge. Crying at work is always fun. Luckily, my desk faces away from everyone else, so as long as no one comes up to me, I'm okay. Except for the whole heart breaking over and over thing. How do I keep going when I hurt so much?
Thursday, February 5, 2009
The gig is up
Temp went down today, thus AF is on her way. See, that's one reason I like to temp - I knew not to hope any more as of 5:30 this morning. (Plus, now I can take Advil for these awful cramps.) Oh well. At least she should be over for my birthday next Saturday - that's good news at least!
I want my baby back. I already did this patiently waiting to get pregnant thing. I shouldn't have to go through this again so soon. Why don't I have my little Max?
Update at 4:25 pm: And she's here. What is up with my 24 day cycle? Am I lucky (in that we can try to get pregnant more often) or unlucky (in that I have farrrr more days of AF than most women, considering mine last 5-6 days and I get her about every 3.5 weeks)?
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Tuesday again.
20 weeks down, 20 more to go. Sadly, there won't be a sweet, cuddly baby at the end of those 20 weeks. I wish I could just sleep through Tuesdays!
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Max's face :)
This stupid online application brightened my day a little bit.
I present to you Max Samuel Burnham (or what he may have looked like):
Thanks, VW!
I present to you Max Samuel Burnham (or what he may have looked like):
Thanks, VW!
Abbie's Dark Day
I don't know how many of you are Gilmore Girls fans, but if you are, do you remember the episode where Luke has a Dark Day (that Lorelai is just finding out about, but happens each year) - it's the day each year that he closes the diner, disappears, and never discusses this with anyone. Today is a dark day for me - my last one until my due date, hopefully - the day that I should have had my "big" ultrasound. Who schedules an 18 week ultrasound at 8 weeks, anyway?
We passed the bus this morning that in an alternate universe we would have been riding towards a wonderfully happy day. Yuck. It's the same bus that took us to our fateful ultrasound on December 9. I hate that bus, and I am so happy that we are leaving this place in 4.5 months so that I will never have to see it again. Stupid bus of unhappiness.
There's at least one other Baby Burnham out there, I found their blog once when I was trying to google my own, and his parents just found out yesterday that he is a boy. Seriously? Couldn't you have been a girl? That would have helped me just a little. Yeah, thanks, kid. (And just to prove how grumpy I am today, his poor parents went through three miscarriages before having IUI to have him. Yeah, I'm a nice person.)
What a sucky day.
We passed the bus this morning that in an alternate universe we would have been riding towards a wonderfully happy day. Yuck. It's the same bus that took us to our fateful ultrasound on December 9. I hate that bus, and I am so happy that we are leaving this place in 4.5 months so that I will never have to see it again. Stupid bus of unhappiness.
There's at least one other Baby Burnham out there, I found their blog once when I was trying to google my own, and his parents just found out yesterday that he is a boy. Seriously? Couldn't you have been a girl? That would have helped me just a little. Yeah, thanks, kid. (And just to prove how grumpy I am today, his poor parents went through three miscarriages before having IUI to have him. Yeah, I'm a nice person.)
What a sucky day.
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