Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Why, oh why, am I not still pregnant?

I think my body is beginning to forget that I was ever pregnant. My breasts are dwindling away to their former (very small) size, the bloating that made me feel pregnant even since week 4 has disappeared (I can zip and button my pants now, even while sitting down.), my ravenous hunger has completely eroded (I am back to my normal schedule of eating every 4-5 hours and not needing snacks.). Even the cramping that I've had over the past few days, reminding me that my body is expelling my child, has diminished. I feel like I am physically back to normal. Will I ever feel normal emotionally?

Why do people think that another baby will replace this one? I think someone has even said to me, "Maybe it'll be twins next time!" How does that help? Why would two babies make up for losing one? It just won't. When June rolls around, I will not feel better about losing the baby that would have been born then, even if I have another baby to expect. I think people just don't want to deal with my grief.

I'm afraid to be pregnant again. How do I know that the next pregnancy won't end the exact same way? Doctors don't do anything after your first miscarriage to make sure you won't have a second. Sometimes they won't even do anything until after your third miscarriage! How could they force parents to go through this three times? I can't imagine that kind of pain, and still wanting to try after having so many losses.

This is what our baby should have looked like last week:
Why is he gone? I want my baby back. I should have been given pictures last week, not pills.


Melanie said...

Oh girl I feel your pain.. As I read your posts I just don't have anything to say that will comfort anyone that has gone thru a miscarriage only to say I feel your pain! Some people that have NOT gone thru it DON'T understand and DON'T really know what to say. One thing I try and do is let it brush off my shoulders which still pierces my heart. I am learning to forgive and forget (still hard). There is this website that I am really getting some healing from and its They send you monthly newsletters and they are about families like US that have gone thru miscarriages and stillborns.

One thing that has really helped me is crocheting. It's a healing process that we will all go thru. Im not sure what your hobby is but my advice is to try and find something that you enjoy doing!

In my prayers,Melanie

mandie lane said...

((hugs)) I have been praying for your comfort and strength. As far as the fears- step by step, day by're going to get through this. And yes, you will feel emotionally "normal" someday. You'll never be the same, you'll never stop loving and missing your baby...but it won't always hurt so, so strongly.

This quote really spoke to me as I struggled with the fear of the future that came along with my losses:
Courage, it would seem, is nothing less than the power to overcome danger, misfortune, fear, injustice, while continuing to affirm inwardly that life with all its sorrows is good; that everything is meaningful even if in a sense beyond our understanding; and that there is always tomorrow.