Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Letter to my son at his 30 week mark

Dear Max,

With all of the craziness surrounding Baby #2, I completely missed your 30 week mark yesterday. That really hurts me, that I'm so caught up in the anxiety of this new pregnancy that I didn't even stop for a moment to remember you, my first baby.

I'm so sorry, Max. I miss you so much and I wish that you had stayed with me and that this new baby never had to be imagined, much less conceived and worried over in your place. I'm sorry that you've been put on the back burner right now and that your mommy isn't taking care of you in the only way that she can, by remembering you. I'm sorry that I am such a disappointment as a mom.

I wish I could leave this awful life and come to live with you. I can't come close to enjoying this current baby, can't even picture it as a real baby most of the time, you seem like my only child and I feel like I am losing you over and over again. It hurts so bad to lose you again.

I miss you, Max. I wish I could get my way in this, and have you with me, here or there. My heart yearns for that, especially on these days that I am so broken by fear and anguish. Please don't hate me. I love you so much.

-your mommy

1 comment:

Lizaveta said...

Oh Abbie...your letter made me cry.

I've been trying to think of how to comment all day...

Please don't beat yourself up too much over missing Max's 30 week mark. Though it's good to know how old he'd be on earth, he has all of eternity to live out in Jesus' arms, and without ever needing to know or experience sin, pain or despair...what a blessing, huh? You gave him the best gift a mother could ever give! Life to the fullest -- complete and full joy with His Creator...awesome.

But that doesn't take away the ache of missing him...just as I miss my Hopie. Max will forever be a part of your family and your heart. Regardless of what happens at the present. And you'll always be his Mommy...whom he loves dearly.

I don't feel like I quite expressed everything I wanted to say...and I hope I didn't cause you anymore pain, because that was not my intention at all! Just know that I am praying for you as you go through this battle...I pray that Jesus will carry you through each moment.

Much love,
Liz