Thursday, April 16, 2009

6w, 3d: Up and Down

I just wanted to let you all know that, as a pregnant woman is wont to do, I am back to an emotional high today and feeling hopeful again. (I'm sure in five minutes I will be back to gloom and doom, so you may want to take off your hats for the duration of the roller coaster ride.) I don't know why I crashed and burned yesterday, except that I am a naturally very anxious person and I was dead tired from poor sleep the night before. The doctor who was not very optimistic about my baby's chances was not helpful. I'm not going to take down either of my posts from yesterday because they really were my feelings and I don't think that censoring them is going to get me anywhere. I really did (and do still at times) feel like the worst mother ever (and here I am sitting on the side where I haven't actually birthed a live child yet) and I often wish for the day that I will be together with my sweet little Max and my savior, Jesus.

It's hard for me to have faith that God will save this baby when He didn't save Max. Don't get me wrong, I know that He can save this baby. I just don't know that He will. What is the difference between Max and this baby? Why should a different outcome apply in this pregnancy over my other? Prayers were said over that child, too, and they were answered with a resounding "no." How do I know they will be answered this time?

I don't want my faith in God to be crushed next week if there isn't a heartbeat, and so I can't firmly believe that everything is going to be okay. I don't know that and you don't know that. What I do know is that God will still be in heaven, seated on His throne, ruling over the world, even if my child isn't going to grow any more. I am praying fervently (and I am thankful if you are praying, too) that this baby is still growing (in God's time, if not mine), but I can't believe that right now. I can only hope.

That's where I am right now, take it or leave it.

Let's leave today with Psalm 40, that my mother sent to me:

I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.

He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.

He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the LORD.

Blessed is the man
who makes the LORD his trust,
who does not look to the proud,
to those who turn aside to false gods.

Many, O LORD my God,
are the wonders you have done.
The things you planned for us
no one can recount to you;
were I to speak and tell of them,
they would be too many to declare.

Sacrifice and offering you did not desire,
but my ears you have pierced;
burnt offerings and sin offerings
you did not require.

Then I said, "Here I am, I have come—
it is written about me in the scroll.

I desire to do your will, O my God;
your law is within my heart."

I proclaim righteousness in the great assembly;
I do not seal my lips,
as you know, O LORD.

I do not hide your righteousness in my heart;
I speak of your faithfulness and salvation.
I do not conceal your love and your truth
from the great assembly.

Do not withhold your mercy from me, O LORD;
may your love and your truth always protect me.

For troubles without number surround me;
my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see.
They are more than the hairs of my head,
and my heart fails within me.

Be pleased, O LORD, to save me;
O LORD, come quickly to help me.

May all who seek to take my life
be put to shame and confusion;
may all who desire my ruin
be turned back in disgrace.

May those who say to me, "Aha! Aha!"
be appalled at their own shame.

But may all who seek you
rejoice and be glad in you;
may those who love your salvation always say,
"The LORD be exalted!"

Yet I am poor and needy;
may the Lord think of me.
You are my help and my deliverer;
O my God, do not delay.


Anonymous said...

I don't like it when people say "Oh, I know exactly how you feel!", no matter how well meaning they are, so I won't say it to you now. I will however say that I relate greatly to what you've written. I haven't gotten pregnant again since the Raisin, but I know myself well enough to know that I'd be having these same thoughts and anxieties if I were to get pregnant again. The difference between knowing that God can do something and knowing that He will is great, and belief in one doesn't necessarily come with belief in the other. I know that God can do anything - whether He will is something else entirely, and something far more difficult for me to believe.

Ultimately, it does come down to faith, and our willingness to believe, even though the results of our belief may cause us pain. After all, "life is pain. Anyone that says otherwise is selling something".

I'll keep praying for you. :-)


Anonymous said...

I have been following this pregnancy with such excitement for you. I and thinking about you and praying that you will have peace as you wait for next week's appointment to come. The waiting is so difficult.

Staci said...

Thinking of you and praying for more "ups" than "downs".

Amanda Hoyt said...

I am praying for you and this sweet miracle baby.

Kellee said...

You guys are in my prayers =)

Perfectly Imperfect said...

I've commented once before, but felt the need to pop in again and let you know that I'm praying for you.... Keep your head up girlie.. The best thing you can do for that little baby is take care of yourself and relax!(I know.. real easy to say!) Just turn it over to God hun, because He's the only one who can do anything about what's already being done... Hope you get great results at your next appointment! I'll be praying...

Jesse and Shannon said...

Such a beautiful verse! I pray that God will continue to bless your journey to becoming a momma, and the tiny life growing within you! ~Shannon