Sometimes I try to edit myself on what I write on this blog, thinking that you all couldn't possibly be interested or want to hear the same thing for the 50th time in a row. But I'm realizing more and more that this is not your blog, it's mine, and really, I need to say what I need to say. Whether you guys read it or not is a moot point.
Not that I don't love you all... Because I do. And I appreciate you so much for coming here and grieving with me and being my friends. It is very nice to have an audience for my feelings. It's just that it's more necessary for me to get out my feelings, rather than make myself more interesting or less annoying or happier or whatever.
(I'm not convinced that this Editor's note has anything to do with the below post. I was going to post about something else, and then got caught up in some different thoughts. But in general, I think it still applies, so I'm going to leave it.)
I'm considering becoming a substitute teacher for a few months in the fall (or until I have a baby... who really knows how long it's going to take to get pregnant). I've had this kind of floating thought that after my kids are in school (as in, middle school or high school when I'm done home schooling) that I'm going to become a high school chemistry/science teacher. But I'm realizing that I have no idea whether I actually even want to be a teacher. I've taught Sunday school before, but my kids were 1st graders and now three year olds. I know I enjoy teaching three year olds (although maybe not on a daily basis :-P), but I don't really know my feelings about teaching high schoolers. What if I go back to school some day, pay lots of money to get my Masters (in Teaching/Education) and then hate it? So, I've come up with the idea of trying out substitute teaching. Did you know that you only need a high school diploma to do that? (They pay more if you have a certain number of college credits, or even more if you have a degree, but that's beside the point.) In any case, I'm going to think about it more, but I'll probably apply this summer and hopefully have some work to do in the fall. My major concern is lack of sleep. I don't do well without sleep, and I'm not good at going to bed at a decent time when my husband's around to talk to. (It's too much like having your best friend over for a slumber party every single day!)
On a different note: there's also been some Drama (yes, with a capital D) going on in the Christian blogging world over the past few days. Seems some Christians have gotten themselves in trouble for judging other Christians for not "shining their light" or whatever. I don't do well with judgment (read: I'm a cry baby), so I'm just glad I haven't had any of that over here. Because I'm not sure that I'm "shining my light" so well.
I'm not one of those Christians that likes to think that Jesus has made her world perfect and that I need to tell everyone how perfect my world is. Because He doesn't make everything perfect, sadly. If He did, our babies would still be here. I've been mad at God for taking my baby. He didn't need Max, why didn't He just leave him with me? But this world is messed up (corrupted by sin, just like us) and bad things happen because of that. He didn't make it this way; we made it this way. And He had to give up His son to fix what we did. I'm eternally in his debt, and every child he does give me is a gift, not something that is owed to me.
Okay, that's all I have to say. Not that it wasn't a lot.