Tuesday, February 10, 2009

21 weeks

Are you people sick of me yet? I feel like I need to keep a count down going on here, or I'm going to forget what week it is... I'm now in the stage where I didn't have appointments scheduled for this time, I don't have the weeks memorized already from counting ahead... I'm almost in a panic because I feel like I'm not taking care of my baby. I think this is mommy guilt, miscarriage-style.

I can't believe that it's been 9 weeks already! Time flies so fast. Saturday, my birthday, is the two-month anniversary of his sac passing (his birthday?).

Speaking of which, recognizing dates with a miscarriage is hard... I don't know when Max died. I only know when I found out he was dead, when I took the cytotec to miscarry him, and when his sac actually passed. How do you count that? Which one matters the most? Can I say his "birthday" was December 14, when he came out of me? Is it weird for me to say he "died" on December 9, when we found out he was dead? It was such a pivotal week for me. Every day brought a new struggle, a new part of my life. And now trying to give him one "date" to celebrate him on is reducing his importance. For people that die after they are born, they get a series of dates that mark their life - a birthday and a death day. But what about people who die before they are born? How do you mark those important days? How do you count their life?

Okay, I need to stop this. I have tears pouring out of my eyes right now and I am at work. I can't think about this. I'm sorry, Max. Your mommy has to forget about you for now.


Anonymous said...

I understand your need for keeping count - I would be seventeen weeks along right now. It's been a month since I miscarried, and while I'm not crying every time I see a pregnant woman now, the pain is still here. How does one "get over" a miscarriage? How can you allow the pain to diminish? Not being in pain about it is, like you said, mommy-guilt. Like if I'm not still grieving my Raisin, it's like I'm saying that it didn't matter to me.

We shouldn't be having to go through this.


Anonymous said...

Dear lovely,
Just remember that his "death day" was also the very same day that he got to meet Jesus face to face. I love you. Stay strong <3