Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Happy Birthday to Max

We visited the local Vineyard (the kind of church I grew up in) and they were advertising for a Jeremy Riddle concert for his cd “The Now and the Not Yet “- it was the first time in a while that I had been reminded of that phrase, as I haven’t been in a Vineyard for three years now. I thought that it was the perfect phrase to summarize how God is answering my prayers for a child… not yet. But it’s so sweet to think that my Max and Olivia are in the “now.” Everything in their lives is perfect – no crying, no pain, no sadness. They don’t have to wait their whole lives for healing from whatever possible genetic defects they would have had, they are healed now. Praise God.

Today is my Max’s birthday; well, really his due date, but I’d like to think of today as his birthday, instead of that awful day that I lost him six months ago. I dressed up for him today, even though I can’t be celebrating with him in my arms. I hope that God is throwing him a party right now, since I can’t do it.

A few days ago I found some onesies that my husband and I had bought before we were married, specifically because one of them said “Little Engineer” on it, and that is a play off of our school mascot – “We are, we are, we are, we are the MIT Engineers.” Anyhow, they were little boy onesies and so preciously little. I wish I could have been bringing him home in one today.

I’ve really been dreading this day for the past week, as I’ve had more time to think about its impending arrival. I thought that I might feel more disconnected from him, that there would be a bigger gap created by my “not being pregnant with him” any more. But I don’t feel further away from him, just a little more at peace with his not being here.

So this is my song for you, Maxie. Mommy loves you and she can’t wait to meet you – not yet, but that day is getting closer every day!

Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday dear Max
Happy birthday to you.

7 comments:

Amy said...

Abbie, I am thinking of and praying for you, especially today.

Love,
Hamesy

Max, Happy Birthday with love from your auntie, uncle and cousin-- we look forward to meeting you and celebrating with you someday!

Jessie said...

Abbie, be kind to yourself today. Know that Max will be in your arms one day, and in the meantime, he's in the most perfect place.

dauthi said...

*hug*

I'm also dreading the Raisin's due date. I'm hoping I can handle it as well as you are. :-)

Lizaveta said...

Oh Abbie...what a sweet post. I'm praying for you...

Staci said...

Happy Belated birthday to Max. Thinking of you often Abbie and praying for you.

Brooke said...

You are so sweet. Hope it was a good day. As good as it could be. By they way you have an award on my blog.

ottspot said...

Hi Miss Abbie,
I found your blog by looking around on my google analytics page from my own blog. Sorry to hear about your sad news. I'm sure the "this would have been" anniversaries are hard. My mom had 2 miscarriages between me and Michael (my older brother). She had d&c's both times. One was the night before Thanksgiving so my dad cooked an entire Thanksgiving dinner by himself...including pies if you can believe that! It took me and my hubby just shy of two years to get pregnant with our first--temperature taking gets old fast, I know. Did you know cjane lives about 4 miles away from me? I read her blog too although I've never met her. I don't know a lot about other religions, but my church (and cjane's...we belong to the same church coincidentally) teaches that if you lose a baby or young child not only will you be reunited with them in heaven, but that you will get to raise them and watch them grow as well. I believe it and have always thought that was a special mercy for mothers. Be kind to yourself. Much love, Erin (Dickerson) Ott