Thursday, February 12, 2009

What's the point?

I've been struggling a lot recently with my purpose. I've always known that I was going to be a mommy when I grew up - that has always been my dream (although there was a time period where I wanted to also be an astronaut). Currently, I am working to support my husband and myself while he is finishing his Master's degree, which occupies most of my time. The problem with my job (although I love what I do) is that I have barely enough work to keep me busy for two hours a day. That means the other six hours I sit and stare at my computer monitor - thus the blogging during work, reading tons and tons of blogs, always being up on the latest news, etc. I have asked for more work, but there's really not anything to give me, and when they do give me projects, they never last for more then an hour or two.

So, when I get home from work, I've usually already been bored for most of the day, sitting at a computer, spacing out. I cook dinner, clean up after dinner, and then.... nothing. My husband has his homework or thesis to work on, and I really don't have anything to do. I do enjoy reading, I like video games, I'll watch TV, but there are nights (like last night) where I just want to sleep my boredom away (which my husband does NOT let me do). I mean, don't get me wrong, it's nice to have time to relax, but all of the things I do at night are completely pointless. I feel like I'm wandering around in circles, with no meaning.

My husband told me that I need to find myself something that gives me purpose, and well, duh, I want to do that, but I just don't know what to do. Everything that I can do to pass the time is just that... passing the time. Isn't that a waste of life? I feel like my current life is just me ticking down the days until I can start my "new life" as a mom.

And in four months I am going to be JOB FREE in a new place with no friends, no car during the work hours and no public transportation, which means sitting at home all. day. long. What in the world am I going to do then?!? (I mean, unpacking can only take so long, and decorating your apartment costs money. :-P)

I don't mean for you all to try to come up with things for me to do. I guess I just want to know if other people have dealt with this before.


Anonymous said...

Yes, I think I have been through a similar time. When we were first married and I was done with school, I had a very part time job and was at home by myself a lot. I couldn't get another job to occupy my time, since I would only have been able to commit to a few months of working (knowing that Alaina was to be born in the fall and we were going to be moving to Boston shortly after). In our apartment, we had no internet, no cable (couldn't even get the low number channels that don't require cable), and we shared one car. Brian worked odd hours and I was bored out of my mind and lonely sitting in my perfectly clean apartment (I too used cleaning to fill some of the time). So, yep, you are not alone in this experience. I'm free to talk (listen)over lunch today, if you'd like a phone call! :)


Melanie said...


Yes girl I have been there done that 3 times! Being a military wife its just the way you described! It is hard either way and we just have to give it all over to God and see where He wants us! About you not really having things to do at work and at home.. Girl we are so alike! My job is boring and when I get home its boring... At work I try and just read blogs like YOU! LOL I get home and I try not to get on the computer again BUT I do because well its all I can do to keep me occupied... Of course I make dinner and take care of the dogs. But then its off to bed LOL! So girl you aren't the only one!!

Brooke said...

Oh you have no idea. I made the mistake of stepping down from my managment position when we started ttc. I thought I would be pg in 6 months or so and so I was only working 30 hours or so a week and nannying part time. This worked great untill the family I was nannying for lost both their jobs and had to let me go. I have considered going back to school. But what for? I dont want to have a student loan just so I can go for a few months or maybe even a year and then quit bc im pg. I am in the same exact situation now bc I am only working maybe 30 hours a week! I am getting more involved with my church high school groupl and starting a freshman girls bible study. I hope God puts something in your path.

Anonymous said...

I completely relate. Your third paragraph reminds me so much of conversations my husband and I have had recently.


Rebecca said...

I came to visit you after your gracious comment. I recognized the feelings of your recent posts and had to start from the beginning of your story - the positive pregnancy test. I just finished. My heart is breaking all over again.

I didn't know if being pregnant again would make it easier. Now I think things like, Baby Judah would be 7 months old when I have this new baby. Or counting this pregnancy as (+ weeks) past the point I lost him. Like, now I'm 3 weeks past the time we found out he was gone. I am afraid I just have a whole new timetable to see life through. I loved reading your 21 weeks, 22 weeks. I was afraid to tell all of what I was thinking, afraid people would be sick of hearing it. It's refreshing to hear someone else put to words what I was thinking. The not getting pregnant after my miscarriage was much more devastating than before I miscarried. Seeing all the pregnant things around me was overwhelming - and I swear it was EVERYWHERE. I wanted you to know I'm praying for you today. And I am remembering baby Max with you.

I believe it would be harder to lose your first baby, b/c you don't have the other kids to pull you out of your grief...a purpose to function. But I will encourage you with this. I was bound and determined to honor my son's short life. I didn't know how, but I knew I wanted to live in a way that brought honor to his short time here. If that meant just that my walk with the Lord was more focused, or that I was changed for the better, that's what I went for. I don't know what that will look like for you, but I will pray that it happens and you find that purpose you are seeking. Lots of love, Rebecca

Anonymous said...

I've been asking myself the same thing lately. Amys situation sounds excatly like mine right now. I'm home alone all day with no cable, barely there internet and no car and no friends close by. It's hard. Just know that there are other people out there that can relate. I wish we lived closer so we could hang out and keep each other company!