Monday, May 18, 2009

Grief stage 2: anger

How did this happen? Can anyone please fill me in? One day I am pregnant and we see the baby on the ultrasound screen, moving around with a heartbeat. The next day I'm bleeding, even though I had awful morning sickness most of that day. The next day I'm cramping. The next day my baby is gone. I'm now in that bitter wasteland between random chance and recurrent pregnancy loss - I haven't lost enough babies to be treated by most doctors as higher risk, and yet my chances of having two non-recurrent problem miscarriages in a row is only 4%. May I ask why I have to loose three babies for anyone to pay attention to me? Isn't two enough?

My first order of business after we get our new insurance is to call them and see if they'll pay for testing after two pregnancy losses. If they will (and maybe even if they won't), my second order of business is to find an Ob/Gyn in Maryland who treats two losses as a problem.

I gave them my baby today and asked them to karyotype her. My nurse said she would check with a doctor to make sure they could do that (insurance-wise), and then as long as they had enough fetal tissue they would do so. I'm hoping that everything works out with that so that I can know one way or the other: if she was normal, I'm going to demand testing, of course; if not, okay, fine, it was just random chance and we'll try again.

On another note, do you realize how hard it is to give your baby's little body away, even if she might help you save your future babies? I wanted to take her out of there and run far away. My poor little girl is going to be cut into pieces and tested on, and then burned. I'm so sorry, Livvie; I wish I could have kept you to myself. Mama loves you so much, baby girl.


Brooke said...

Abby I dont know what to say. I am so sorry.

Kristin said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tina said...

I found your blog from MCK's blogfrog.

I am so sorry for your loss...I will pray for you!

Sarah said...


I am so sorry to hear your devastating news. My heart and prayers reach out to you. I pray that you are blessed with the support of your family and friends!