Friday, March 5, 2010

Update: not pregnant

It wasn't good news on my pregnancy test yesterday (negative); in fact, it was even worse news than we thought: the doctor says I am not responding to the Clomid as well as we thought initially and now we are going to need to try stronger treatments (that cost much more). Basically, we are working against a clock that no one can see and he doesn't know how much time we will have and wasting time on Clomid when it is not working that well is not a good idea in the world of infertility.

We're trying one more month of Clomid with some injectibles after the Clomid to try to encourage my body a little more. It would be great financially, emotionally, and in the hopes of having more than one pregnancy (and thus, more than one child) if we could get pregnant this next month. But we'll see. God has opened up the barren woman's womb before; maybe he wants to show his glory by me getting pregnant after the doctors have given up.

Please pray for our marriage especially, we're very stressed about all of this and I'm an emotional mess with my hormones being all over the place from the various medications. Also, the stillbirth of a baby at church has ripped open old wounds that were healing, so that is making things worse, my struggling with depression and grief. Jonathan is such a great guy; he can take my bad (and quickly changing) moods to a certain point, but anyone would break after being pushed too much. :(

Financially, we are going to apply to Shady Grove's Shared Help program, which means for procedures that our insurance doesn't cover, they will waive a certain percentage of fees (from 10 to 50% based on income). Please pray that they will be generous with us and give us the best percentage that they can. Also, please pray that we will find a good solution for the fertility drugs, because we have zero coverage for those and they can get expensive.

Also, this new news has given the devil a chance to put it into my mind that we are somehow working against God in all of this. I don't think that is the case, as we have been blessed in so many ways throughout this, financially in having coverage for so many more things than we should have had, medically, for getting us into Shady Grove Fertility with zero waiting time because my RE was joining their practice. In any case. I think I listen to the deceiver more than I should, so please pray that God will give me the strength to fight him.

I'll leave you with my favorite verses:

I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.
Wait on the LORD; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the LORD!
-Psalm 27:13-14

Please pray that I can keep seeing the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. I am having a hard time waiting especially when I feel as if I am running out of time.


Liz said...

Oh Abbie...I feel your pain. I'll be praying for you. We too suffered in our marriage during our miscarriage and throughout our journey of infertility. Keep looking to the One who satisfies completely. I know you already are. And I'll be praying for less severe mood swings and for the Lord to bless your womb! :)

Shannon said...

You have my prayers!

Mochamama said...

Abbie- Know that you have a sister in Christ praying for you! I know how the death of a child can affect/impact your marriage and I am praying for you and your husband. Please feel free to email me anytime!

Laura said...

Let me first start by saying "bummer". I feel your disappointment. I will continue to pray for you, your fertility, and your marriage. You're right--it takes a special man to stand by us through these types of things.

I don't think that it's necessarily "bad" to question God's plan. I personally think that there is a long distance between legitimately wondering "God--is this really what You want?" and "doubting" His goodness. I admit that I often had (and continue to have) questioning/wondering "conversations" with God throughout this fertility journey. But each time, I keep coming back to the fact that all I can do is trust Him. I don't always know what that means, but it's the only thing I can do.

I'm praying for you!

JReus said...

Sweet Abbie (and Jonathan)
We are praying for you.
Your RLFs,
Jen (and Bill)