Thursday, July 9, 2009

Honest Scrap award

Okay, I am just now getting around to this, but Brooke from Hopes, Dreams, and the in between gave me an Honest Scrap award last week. It's my first blog award so I was pretty excited. :)

Here are the Honest Scrap stipulations:

1. Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find interesting and engaging.
2. Show the 7 winners names and links on your blog and leave a comment informing them that they have won the "Honest Scrap Award."
3. List at least 10 honest things about yourself.

My honest scrap:
1. I'm pretty upset with God for allowing two of my babies to die, and sometimes I try to bargain with him for our next one.
2. I never want to go back to work and I'm mad that I'm not a stay at home mom right now, with something to do, something to contribute to the family.
3. I get upset that more people don't know about my miscarriages, but then I don't want them to know either. I can't decide if I want to be understood and pitied or just treated normally.
4. I'm scared to death that I will never have a living child, of my own flesh and blood or otherwise, that even if we tried to adopt that it would always go wrong.
5. I'm afraid that we will never find a church that works for both Jonathan and me. We are such opposites in church and worship styles.
6. I have no clue where I would be without Jonathan. He is the light of my life. Sometimes I think that he will be taken away from me because I love him too much.
7. I am afraid to post this because I know that most of this is theologically unsound and probably heretical, so please don't e-mail me about how wrong I am. I'm just sharing what I honestly feel right now. God already knows, so why shouldn't you?
8. I hate showering, especially when I'm just staying home all day anyway. I see no point to it!
9. I spent my entire day yesterday on Lord of the Rings Online (an MMORPG). Way to use that college degree, Abbie.
10. I feel huge amounts of mommy guilt that I am not grieving for Olivia the way that I grieved for Max. I think I am constantly pushing it out of my mind so that I don't just collapse into a puddle on the floor.

Honest enough for you?

Now it's your turn:
Charity from Charity Begins at Home
Charity from Considering It All Joy


Mochamama said...

Thank you for the award!

That being said I'm so glad you shared with how you are honestly feeling. It's my opinion that because we are Christians there is a "certain" way we should deal with the death of our babies because we know they are in heaven, but I too can agree with you that I have felt many feelings of anger, anger, and anger. But you know what...God can handle it and He still loves us the same. I encourage you to reach to your core and grieve Olivia's death. Don't be surprised if you grieve differently. They are two different babies, but by holding it in or pushing it away you are only making it harder on yourself. Know that I'm hear if you need to vent! I'm praying for you. Mimi

joy! said...

Still thinking about you and praying for you.

Amanda said...

Wow....this was a really vulnerable post Abbie... it must have been hard to write down every single emotion like that.

Many blessings to you-

Anonymous said...

I really appreciate your honesty as well. It makes me feel like less of a freak for posting such blunt things about how I feel on the Internet. :D