Some Women=Nosy Whiners

Some women whine a lot. Especially the women at my work. Plus, they are a very nosy group. I think this is why I always had (mostly) guys for friends. Who can deal with all of this drama?

Sigh.

I wonder what they said about me when I was gone on and off for a week after I found out the baby had died/while I was miscarrying. Only my boss knew what was going on then, and he's not talking to any of them (thank God for Jack!). I was officially "sick."

Four more months until I am done working!

Do not be anxious.

I am a control freak. I like to plan everything, and I get very upset when things don't go exactly as I have planned. (Thus, getting our apartment lined up four months before we are moving. I'm moving onto learning how to buy a used car next!)

I am often reminded (by that still, small voice of God) of Philippians 4:6-7 when I am being anxious:
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

I need to stop practicing anxiety and start practicing prayer! Like a parent of a small child, God knows exactly what I need and when it is coming, even as I am pitching a fit about not having it right now.

God, grant me patience... now, please?

Great news!

The townhomes that we love in Maryland have a renovated two-bedroom open as of June 1st - exactly what we wanted! Also, they offer government employee discounts. Talk about being handed the perfect place on a platter! Thanks, God!

Update: government discount means a $99 security fee (vs. $500), no application fee, and 5% off of monthly rent - woohoo! :)

Sick and grumpy.

I can't really come up with anything to write about today. I'm not sure why.

I might be coming down with a stomach flu, although wasn't that flu shot supposed to prevent the flu? Sigh. 4 DPO is far too early to be getting nausea, right? (Don't worry, this is not pregnancy nausea - considering I was pregnant just seven weeks ago, I can tell!)

It's snowing more today. Believe me, we do not need more snow. We already had about 24" from January 18 (although some of that melted, so it was more like 12") and now we are getting another huge snowstorm. Come on, people. This is why we are leaving Boston in June! I hate the weather here. But, at least it's not 20 below zero anymore.

Gah, I'm cramping and having bad nausea. I am ready to GO HOME. Can we please be let go early?

Hannah's Story

Hannah, a woman who was barren for years, tormented by her husband's other wife (who was very fertile), who cried out to God in "bitterness of soul" (wow, is that me or what?), was given a baby boy. She who was barren brought forth life!

But then, SHE GAVE HER SON TO GOD. Her one and only son, when she did not know that she would have another. She weaned him and brought him to the temple, "young as he was" (I Sam. 1:24). He was still a baby, but she knew that he belonged to God. What faith.

After handing her son over to the priest to raise, she prayed her prayer. She rejoiced in the Lord and his justice, that the strong would be humbled and the weak strengthened, those who were hungry would be fed, the barren woman would have children. Justice was coming!

Hannah went to the temple each year afterward with her husband to sacrifice to God, visit her son and bring him a new robe. Each time the priest prayed for her to have children to replace the one she gave to God. And eventually she did (the language suggests that there were years in between giving up Samuel and when she conceived again). "And the LORD was gracious to Hannah; she conceived and gave birth to three sons and two daughters." (I Samuel 2:21) Amen!

---------------

Here are some of my thoughts on Hannah.

I am not barren. I didn't have problems conceiving my first child, and I don't expect many problems conceiving a second time. I do, however, know that many of my blog friends are barren (or "infertile" in today's language), and I wanted to include her full story for you all, because the justice God delivered to Hannah is the justice that he will deliver for you - whether it is through a miracle, IVF, IUI, adoption, etc.

However, I feel a close connection to Hannah. She gave her only son to God. I had to give my son to God, also, although I was far less willing to do so. How did she do that? How could a mother bring her son to a place far away from her home and leave him there? How could she walk away from him?

And how did she then sing about justice? It seems to me that the justice that God had given to her at that point was a bit incomplete: her son was not with her any more, she would only see him once a year from that point on. How could she rejoice when her child was gone?

I think she rejoiced because she knew that God's justice was going to be completed. He was only halfway done. She had the faith to believe that one day, maybe tomorrow, maybe five years from now, maybe forty years from now, maybe not until after death, but one day, the poor would be rich, the weak would be strong, the barren woman would be a mother of many. What faith.

I posted her prayer earlier today because it is the promise that I am holding on to - that I too will be the mother of many, and that in my current weakness, the Lord is giving me strength. I posted it because God gave me Max and God took him away and because I am going to rejoice in his wisdom and justice!

Hannah's Prayer

1 Samuel 2:1-10

1 Then Hannah prayed and said:
"My heart rejoices in the LORD;
in the LORD my horn is lifted high.
My mouth boasts over my enemies,
for I delight in your deliverance.

2 "There is no one holy like the LORD;
there is no one besides you;
there is no Rock like our God.

3 "Do not keep talking so proudly
or let your mouth speak such arrogance,
for the LORD is a God who knows,
and by him deeds are weighed.

4 "The bows of the warriors are broken,
but those who stumbled are armed with strength.

5 Those who were full hire themselves out for food,
but those who were hungry hunger no more.
She who was barren has borne seven children,
but she who has had many sons pines away.

6 "The LORD brings death and makes alive;
he brings down to the grave and raises up.

7 The LORD sends poverty and wealth;
he humbles and he exalts.

8 He raises the poor from the dust
and lifts the needy from the ash heap;
he seats them with princes
and has them inherit a throne of honor.
"For the foundations of the earth are the LORD's;
upon them he has set the world.

9 He will guard the feet of his saints,
but the wicked will be silenced in darkness.
"It is not by strength that one prevails;

10 those who oppose the LORD will be shattered.
He will thunder against them from heaven;
the LORD will judge the ends of the earth.
"He will give strength to his king
and exalt the horn of his anointed."

Not Me! Monday

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.

As for me, I am not wondering if these cramps I have only two days past ovulation mean that I am pregnant. I know that this could not possibly have anything to do with pregnancy.

On that note, I am not hoping that I got pregnant accidentally this month. I am not going to be severely disappointed when AF shows up in two weeks!

Of course, I did not leave my engagement ring at my friend's house on Friday night, and I did not make her look around for it, since I of course knew exactly where it was. Thanks, Jen!

I did not have to leave my apartment last night in my pajamas because of a fire alarm. Then, I certainly did not have a nightmare about that fire alarm last night from which I woke up in a dead sweat. Not me!

Question for all you non-doctors out there...

Question: Has anyone ever had an ovarian cramp in only one side that lasted from before their period straight through their period, through ovulation and kept going post-ovulation? This is not mittelschmerz - I felt that in my left ovary when I ovulated on Saturday, and this is in my right ovary. It's not constant, but I feel it almost every day, and it's getting worse as time goes on. I'm more concerned than normal because I just miscarried a few weeks ago - could this be something from that? The cyst I had during the pregnancy was on my left ovary, so unless the doctor meant her left, and not mine, I don't think it's that. Any clues?

Part-ox, part-gazelle, part-someone who is going to lose in Nertz tonight!

Jonathan: We might be able to do a four person nertz* game! That'd be awesome!
Abbie: True.
Jonathan: Couples to warm up, then singles...
Abbie: And I can crush.
Jonathan: Not this time, baby! Four people means more cards in the middle, which brings me into my element with my gazelle intensity and focus.
Abbie: (Snort) So you're part ox** and part gazelle?
Jonathan: That's only a fraction of the amalgam of awesomeness.

*Nertz is a card game like solitaire, but you have multiple people playing at once, and anyone can play on anyone else's Aces.
**He always says he has the immune system of an ox. Even though that is NOT true.

Trying to avoid... being hit by lightning twice.

Okay, so we definitely decided to TTA this cycle. I think I already said that we were, but I was really wavering back and forth until last night. We just don't want to add any risk into a pregnancy (there's already plenty!), and I do NOT want to give my doctors any reason to brush off another miscarriage. They already did a great job of that with this past pregnancy.

The positives about getting pregnant this month were that I would have been in Boston for the 18 week ultrasound, and I would have gotten a fetal echocardiogram covered by my insurance, too (at Boston Children's - you can't get much better than that!). If I get pregnant next month, we'll be in a new place at 18 weeks (Maryland), covered by new insurance (at least, I don't think my current insurance will work out of state, even though it covers me through August 31), and perhaps with a doctor that doesn't care much about my family's awful history of heart problems (including my brother, who was born with a hole in his heart). Plus, a birthday present of a BFP would have been the sweetest gift of all - and the baby would have been due right around my husband's birthday, so it would have been doubly sweet. Oh, well.

But moving! Now that will be sweet. Boston, it has been real, but it hasn't been fun. I cannot WAIT to say goodbye to you forever. (Although I will miss my sweet friends!)

He is my sunshine, my only sunshine.

This is my husband, Jonathan.

Sometimes I get very mad at him. The sad part is that I can never stay mad at him for more than two seconds because when he realizes that I am mad at him, he tells me that I can't be mad at him any more, because he is perfect, and being mad at him is a sin. Then I laugh. And usually hit him with whatever is in my hand. (Yes, I am from a family who hits. But not hard.)

He makes me laugh every single day. This is, I think, an essential quality to have in a mate. If he didn't make me laugh, then I would probably cry a whole lot more, and I do not need to cry more than I already do. (Believe me.)

He always makes me happy. He smells really good and goes shopping with me with no complaints whatsoever. When I ask him what he wants for dinner, he asks me what I want for dinner, and then thoroughly acts excited about anything I say. He cuddles with me and puts up with being almost crowded out of bed every morning.

He really is perfect (for me). Thank you, God, for my Jonny.

Sophie Wessex Burnham, the Empress of the World

Okay, wow, that post yesterday was bitter. I think I'm done with that for the time being, at least.

Today I am very sleepy. My darling kitty, Sophie, has taken it upon herself to sit at our hallway door and meow over and over again before we are awake. Usually it starts around 7 am (our normal wake time, which we can deal with), but today it started at 4 am. Seriously, Sophie, that could be considered a provocation of war in my household. NOT OKAY. Mama needs her sleep or she gets very, very angry.

Sometimes I think having Sophie to take care of gets me through the days. She's so cute and even when I'm mad at her, I can't stay mad very long. Before Jonathan and I got married, a friend of ours told us that having their small dog, Bree, had really helped their marriage - they fought less and couldn't stay mad as long with such a sweet, innocent being right there with them. That is definitely the truth!

So, in honor of her royal highness, I present to you Sophie Wessex Burnham, the Empress of the World (no, really, she is):


(I have one of her in a royal-looking cape somewhere... I need to find that picture!)

Can anyone (who doesn't know already) figure out where we got her name from?

Max's face :)

This stupid online application brightened my day a little bit.

I present to you Max Samuel Burnham (or what he may have looked like):

Thanks, VW!

Abbie's Dark Day

I don't know how many of you are Gilmore Girls fans, but if you are, do you remember the episode where Luke has a Dark Day (that Lorelai is just finding out about, but happens each year) - it's the day each year that he closes the diner, disappears, and never discusses this with anyone. Today is a dark day for me - my last one until my due date, hopefully - the day that I should have had my "big" ultrasound. Who schedules an 18 week ultrasound at 8 weeks, anyway?

We passed the bus this morning that in an alternate universe we would have been riding towards a wonderfully happy day. Yuck. It's the same bus that took us to our fateful ultrasound on December 9. I hate that bus, and I am so happy that we are leaving this place in 4.5 months so that I will never have to see it again. Stupid bus of unhappiness.

There's at least one other Baby Burnham out there, I found their blog once when I was trying to google my own, and his parents just found out yesterday that he is a boy. Seriously? Couldn't you have been a girl? That would have helped me just a little. Yeah, thanks, kid. (And just to prove how grumpy I am today, his poor parents went through three miscarriages before having IUI to have him. Yeah, I'm a nice person.)

What a sucky day.

Asking for prayer

My sister-in-law's best friend Jennifer just died suddenly this morning. Please pray for my sister-in-law, and her friend Jennifer's parents, siblings, relatives, and friends that they would have the peace that passes all understanding. Thanks.

Searching

Well, it appears that I am one of the places to go when you are googling for someone's experience with a Cytotec miscarriage - what an.... honor? Is that the right term? Anyhow, I'm glad that you were able to find my post (that's what I wrote it for, after all) and I hope it helps you. Please, please know that you are not alone right now, and if you need to talk to someone, I am here!

Search terms that have brought people to my site:
- My experience with cytotec: this post sums up my experience.
- When will periods come after misoprostol? It was 32 days for me, but my HCG levels dropped very quickly, so it may be as long as 7-8 weeks for you. Your doctor will probably tell you to give it at least 8 weeks before they will "help" your period come back.
- 11w and 3 days pregnant: I believe that I found out my baby was dead four days after this. But most people who make it that far stay pregnant - your baby will probably be okay! Don't worry!
- Nachal screening: Yes, that should be "nuchal." Whoops. Sorry, you probably didn't want to come to this site to find out about a Nuchal screening; mine kinda sucked.
- A Future for My Son: This person was delivered to my probably very depressing post, A Letter to My Son. Sorry about that. My son's future is over. Hope your son's turns out better!

New header!

Alright, well, it's not that great, but my first attempt at making something in Photoshop.

I am hurting today.

Sometimes I think I am ready to go back to my Babycenter birth group and check in on everyone, as I did today. But it just hurts so bad. Everyone is starting to find out the gender of their babies (they're at the 17 week mark now), and I just want to be there so much. I should have my big ultrasound next week, January 20. I should have a belly that I can show off at work. I should have a BABY. But my belly and arms are empty, and that is so hard. I just want to try again now, to cover up these feelings and let myself be happy again. Why don't I get the happy ending that most everyone else does? Why did this happen to me? I want my sweet Max back.

She's here!

For all of you stalkers out there, you can see where I am in my cycle below this column of posts. You can even click on it and see what my temps for this cycle have been! We are pretty sure that we are TTA this cycle (trying to avoid conceiving) but we probably won't try too hard. :-P

Not Me Monday

I am not trying to be cool or to emulate MckMama, and I am certainly not writing my first Not Me! Monday post today.

I did not wish this week that I could skip the next six months of my life. That would be cheating myself out of valuable learning experiences and precious time that I have promised not to waste any more. Nope, not me!

I have not missed out on many, many hours of valuable sleep this week because I can't stop being anxious. I am not worrying about every detail of moving in June, certainly not in January, when it is still five months away!

I have not prayed over and over again this week for my period to show up. Surely, I didn't do that, not after hating it for so long.

I also haven't been praying that I "accidentally" got pregnant already. I also have not considered trying to conceive this month, instead of waiting for two cycles, as my doctor told me to do. I would never go against my doctor's implicit instructions. Definitely not me!

Six random things...

Melanie from Waiting Patiently With An Angel tagged me!

1) Link to the person who tagged you.
2) Post the rules on your blog (copy and paste 1-6).
3) Write 6 random things about yourself.
4) Tag 6 people at the end of your post and link to them.
5) Let each person know they have been tagged and leave a comment on their blog.
6) Let the tagger know when your entry is up.

1. I'm a Valentine's baby! So is my dad. :)
2. I wear glasses because contacts make my eyes bleed.
3. I want to be a wedding photographer someday.
4. I am reading a sci-fi novel right now, Young Miles by Lois McMaster Bujold.
5. I love hot dogs. I would eat them every single day, if I could. (In fact, during my years of college, I almost did eat them every single day.)
6. I have already calculated when my due date would be if I got pregnant any of the next three months: October 20, November 18, or December 17.

I actually don't even know 6 bloggers... I don't know any, really, except Melanie, who tagged me! :-P

She's coming, she's coming, she's coming...

Houston, we have spotting. And none of you ever wanted to know that much about me, I'm sure. :-P

A Poor Poem About My Period

Cramps yesterday.
Backache today.
AF on her way?
We'll see, I say.

I should be 16w, 1d pregnant.

Not that anyone is counting, but yesterday should have been 16 weeks for Max. I should have had an appointment on Monday to hear my baby's beautiful heartbeat, and should have gone in on Tuesday for a blood test to check some protein levels. 16 weeks is only four weeks short of the halfway mark.

In other news, I am no longer sleeping well. I had this problem last spring, due to a stressful work situation, and was on sleeping pills (low-dose anti-anxiety medication) to help. (I guess this whole losing a pregnancy thing is stressful, too, huh?) They did help a lot, although I was generally sleepy in the mornings. I can't take them while pregnant, which is why I stopped, but since I'm not allowed to be pregnant for two more months, I kinda figure why not?

For those of you who are also dealing with miscarriages, I would highly recommend the book Silent Grief. I found it very helpful in validating my feelings (when everyone is telling you that you are crazy for grieving for this child) and it walks you through the grief process with helpful recommendations.

HCG=0!

Halleljuah, I am not pregnant any longer! Now, on to waiting for AF to show up. It should be soon (maybe later this week?), so keep your fingers crossed for me...

Back from Christmas break

I had another quant HCG today (well, I thought it was supposed to be a quant HCG, but the lady took an awful lot of blood for just that test, so we'll see...). I'll let you all know what those results are when they get back. I'm praying so hard that I am down to 0, and not stuck in the land of 10-30 that I hear so many people get frozen in for weeks and weeks. As much as I hate AF (Aunt Flo, for those of you who are not into the online baby bulletin board communities), I would like her to come in a timely manner this cycle so that I can have one down, one to go before we can try again.

Wow, as much as I was dreading talking to people about my miscarriage, it was very strange to have so very few people mention it. I'm thankful for my mom and all of my aunts who cried with me, for my cousin Amy who got me such a sweet present, for Jonathan's two grandmothers who were so kind in their caring for me, Jonathan's mom Beth, and their family friend, Mrs. McLean.

My two favorite presents were figurines to remind me of Max. This Willow Tree figurine, "Angel's Embrace," was from my cousin Amy.


My mama also got me a beautiful Precious Moments figure, "Safe in the Arms of Jesus."Sometimes I think I'm the only person in the world who sees Max as a person, someone who did live, even if only for a few weeks, and that is very hard to take. As a mother, I want my child to be recognized as someone who mattered, who made a difference. He certainly has made a difference to me, and I know that I will never be able to take a day of being pregnant for granted again. Thank you, Max, for that.

I'm still here!

Dearest blog readers,

I want to apologize for disappearing off the face of the earth for the past two weeks! I didn't even let you know that we were heading out on vacation, and although I had meant to post while we were gone, I just was never able to be alone enough to write anything useful on here. I'm sorry and I hope you all can forgive me!

Love,
Abbie

Elizabeth: If you're still out there reading this, I just wanted to let you know that I did read your comment and my heart is hurting for you! I hope that you return to normal physically as quickly as possible (I know how those hormones can make you feel so awful while you are mourning) and that you have caring friends and family to help you through this.