Waiting for the Morning...

"Good theology is essential if we are going to suffer well. It will help us persevere during our trials, and it will give us hope. We believe that 'Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning' (Ps. 30:5). It is faith in our good and sovereign God that enables us to wait until the morning. But we must never forget that often the night is long and the weeping uncontrollable.

"No amount of good theology is able to take the pain out of suffering. Too often we allow ourselves to believe that a robust view of God's sovereignity in all things means that when suffering comes it won't hurt. God's sovereignity doesn't take away the pain and evil that confront us in our lives; it works them for our good.

"...After all, it isn't suffering if it doesn't hurt."

-Dustin Shramek, "Waiting for the Morning during the Long Night of Weeping" (taken from Suffering and the Sovereignity of God, edited by John Piper and Justin Taylor

May it be said of me...

"Lord, I am willing to-
Receive what you give,
Lack what you withhold,
Relinquish what you take."
-Anonymous

Am I willing to receive suffering and grief?
Am I willing to lack living children?
Am I willing to relinquish another child to Him?

Would I be more willing if I could make my heart understand that He alone is the giver of good things (Luke 11:9-13, James 1:17) and that my trials are joy, because they are creating perseverance in me (James 1:2-4)?

These and many more questions on my heart today as I start on the first round of injectible treatments.

What I am learning from counseling

"Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Phil. 1:6

"He who is carrying it on is not one who can be baffled and forced to give up his design. He is able to carry it out in the unlikeliest circumstances and against the most resolute resistance. Everything must give way before Him. This thought is, I confess, to me one of the most comforting connected with the discipline. If it could fail! If God could be frustrated in His designs after we have suffered so much, it would be awful!" -Horatius Bonar

"Remember how the LORD your God led you all the way in the desert these forty years, to humble you and to test you... He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna... to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD." -Deuteronomy 8:2-3

I don't think I can say it any better than these verses have said it. Thank you, Laura, for walking through this time with me!

God has not promised me a child!

But he has promised so much more...

*peace - "Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful." John 14:27; "And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus..." Philippians 4:7
*good - "And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28
*joy - "Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy." Psalm 126:5
*endurance - "Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials,
knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." James 1:2-4; "No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it." I Corinthians 10:13
*redemption! forgiveness! - "In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of His grace which He lavished on us." Ephesians 1:7 "Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." Romans 8:1
*perseverance in my faith - "What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who is against us? He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him over for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things? Who will bring a charge against God's elect? God is the one who justifies; who is the one who condemns? Christ Jesus is He who died, yes, rather who was raised, who is at the right hand of God, who also intercedes for us. Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? Just as it is written, "FOR YOUR SAKE WE ARE BEING PUT TO DEATH ALL DAY LONG; WE WERE CONSIDERED AS SHEEP TO BE SLAUGHTERED." But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:31-39
*a better future - "And I heard a loud voice from the throne, saying, "Behold, the tabernacle of God is among men, and He will dwell among them, and they shall be His people, and God Himself will be among them, and He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away." Revelation 21:3-4

Church news

You'll have to forgive my silence... I just don't have much to say from day to day! Not much changes daily in my life right now. :)

In good news, I think we may have found a church that we are both okay with. I think it will mean us going to two services each Sunday (one traditional and one contemporary) on top of a Sunday school class before the first service, all of which is annoying and time consuming, especially as two are in the morning and one is in the evening, but that is probably the best solution we are going to have for Jonathan and me anyway. We are just two different people when it comes to how we worship. I say we're okay with it because we weren't in love with the senior pastor (there wasn't much meat to his sermon), but we're going to give him another chance and see if that was just a fluke. The pastor who spoke at the contemporary service was much better, in my opinion. Anywho, it was encouraging to finally see some people our age at a church... The churches we've visited in the weeks prior looked like 40+ clubs, with one heavy on the 60+ side...

Church last night was refreshing, for once. I felt like I actually connected with God and we had some encouraging time together, which is not happening very frequently for me right now... I'm sure because of where my heart is most of the time. And believe me, folks, I know in my head how wrong what I am feeling is, but that doesn't change that I am feeling it! Only God can help me do that.

I'm off to do some more cleaning - my house is such a mess after the weekend and I need to get on top of it! I get stressed out when I am in a gross environment.

A Good Substitute

Editor's note:
Sometimes I try to edit myself on what I write on this blog, thinking that you all couldn't possibly be interested or want to hear the same thing for the 50th time in a row. But I'm realizing more and more that this is not your blog, it's mine, and really, I need to say what I need to say. Whether you guys read it or not is a moot point.

Not that I don't love you all... Because I do. And I appreciate you so much for coming here and grieving with me and being my friends. It is very nice to have an audience for my feelings. It's just that it's more necessary for me to get out my feelings, rather than make myself more interesting or less annoying or happier or whatever.

(I'm not convinced that this Editor's note has anything to do with the below post. I was going to post about something else, and then got caught up in some different thoughts. But in general, I think it still applies, so I'm going to leave it.)

Real post:
I'm considering becoming a substitute teacher for a few months in the fall (or until I have a baby... who really knows how long it's going to take to get pregnant). I've had this kind of floating thought that after my kids are in school (as in, middle school or high school when I'm done home schooling) that I'm going to become a high school chemistry/science teacher. But I'm realizing that I have no idea whether I actually even want to be a teacher. I've taught Sunday school before, but my kids were 1st graders and now three year olds. I know I enjoy teaching three year olds (although maybe not on a daily basis :-P), but I don't really know my feelings about teaching high schoolers. What if I go back to school some day, pay lots of money to get my Masters (in Teaching/Education) and then hate it? So, I've come up with the idea of trying out substitute teaching. Did you know that you only need a high school diploma to do that? (They pay more if you have a certain number of college credits, or even more if you have a degree, but that's beside the point.) In any case, I'm going to think about it more, but I'll probably apply this summer and hopefully have some work to do in the fall. My major concern is lack of sleep. I don't do well without sleep, and I'm not good at going to bed at a decent time when my husband's around to talk to. (It's too much like having your best friend over for a slumber party every single day!)

On a different note: there's also been some Drama (yes, with a capital D) going on in the Christian blogging world over the past few days. Seems some Christians have gotten themselves in trouble for judging other Christians for not "shining their light" or whatever. I don't do well with judgment (read: I'm a cry baby), so I'm just glad I haven't had any of that over here. Because I'm not sure that I'm "shining my light" so well.

I'm not one of those Christians that likes to think that Jesus has made her world perfect and that I need to tell everyone how perfect my world is. Because He doesn't make everything perfect, sadly. If He did, our babies would still be here. I've been mad at God for taking my baby. He didn't need Max, why didn't He just leave him with me? But this world is messed up (corrupted by sin, just like us) and bad things happen because of that. He didn't make it this way; we made it this way. And He had to give up His son to fix what we did. I'm eternally in his debt, and every child he does give me is a gift, not something that is owed to me.

Okay, that's all I have to say. Not that it wasn't a lot.

Recommendations

Recommended post: http://babynaillieux.blogspot.com/2009/03/mommyness.html

Recommended song:
Shadowlands by Rebecca St. James

You promised me
That You'd never leave
Or let me go
You promised me
That You'd love me through
The highs and lows

You promised me
You won't give me more
Than I can bear
You promised me
That when I cry out
That You'd be there

The shadowlands are what I know
So I'm hanging on to Your every word
The shadowlands surround me now
But You walk with me through the cloud
Into the sun
Into the sun

You promised me
If I sow in tears
I'll reap in joy
You promised me
That You will breathe life
Into my soul

I know it's true
All that You say
I believe in You
And I am standing on
The promises You've made

You promised me and I believe

Recommended Psalm (126):

When the LORD brought back the captives to Zion,
we were like men who dreamed.

Our mouths were filled with laughter,
our tongues with songs of joy.
Then it was said among the nations,
"The LORD has done great things for them."

The LORD has done great things for us,
and we are filled with joy.

Restore our fortunes, O LORD,
like streams in the Negev.

Those who sow in tears
will reap with songs of joy.

He who goes out weeping,
carrying seed to sow,
will return with songs of joy,
carrying sheaves with him.

Counted Righteous in Christ

MckMama's post today reminded me of something I wanted to talk about on here.

A few nights ago I was reading Counted Righteous in Christ by John Piper. On a side note, John Piper is my absolute favorite author ever, even a bit over Jane Austen (whom I am in love with). Anyway, this book is about Christ's imputation of righteousness to us. That's a big thought, so let me break it down:

The word "justification" is a fancy term for the fact that when we are saved, 1. our sins are transferred to Christ, who has already paid the penalty for them by dying on the cross, and 2. Christ's righteousness is "imputed" (or transferred) to us, which means that when God sees a saved person, he doesn't see our sins, as he did before we were saved, but he sees Christ's perfect life. This is the doctrine of justification that Christians have believed since Paul's Letter to the Romans. Piper explained this to his 6 year old daughter with a story about two men who were being tried in court: one man was declared innocent by the judge and set free (and thus treated well by society, as he was innocent), but another man, who had committed the crime, was told by the judge that even though he was guilty, he would go free and that not only was he forgiven for the crime, but no one could ever treat him as if he had committed it. (This is an important distinction because many criminals are treated poorly by society, even though they have perhaps "paid for" their crime by doing what the court has punished them with.)

All that to say that John Piper made an amazing connection for marriage: if we are to treat our spouses like we should (i.e. as God treats us), then we have to consider them fully justified. That means that even when they have done something wrong or haven't done something that we needed them to do, we should see them as having done it right, as Christ would have done. It's hard to get mad at someone so perfect!

When I get upset with Jonathan, he'll often tell me, "You can't get mad at me! I'm perfect! I've never done anything wrong." What a truth that is (even though he doesn't realize it when he's saying it)! With Christ's righteousness imputed to him, he is perfect.

This is also important for me to remember about myself, since I can tend towards seeing myself in a very negative light. I have the righteousness of Christ and no one can condemn me!

Thus far has the LORD helped us.

Come, Thou Fount of every blessing,
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace;
Streams of mercy, never ceasing,
Call for songs of loudest praise.
Teach me some melodious sonnet,
Sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount! I’m fixed upon it,
Mount of Thy redeeming love.

Sorrowing I shall be in spirit,
Till released from flesh and sin,
Yet from what I do inherit,
Here Thy praises I’ll begin;
Here I raise my Ebenezer;
Here by Thy great help I’ve come;
And I hope, by Thy good pleasure,
Safely to arrive at home.

Jesus sought me when a stranger,
Wandering from the fold of God;
He, to rescue me from danger,
Interposed His precious blood;
How His kindness yet pursues me
Mortal tongue can never tell,
Clothed in flesh, till death shall loose me
I cannot proclaim it well.

O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I’m constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here’s my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.

O that day when freed from sinning,
I shall see Thy lovely face;
Clothed then in blood washed linen
How I’ll sing Thy sovereign grace;
Come, my Lord, no longer tarry,
Take my ransomed soul away;
Send thine angels now to carry
Me to realms of endless day.

I Samuel 7:12-13
Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Shen. He named it Ebenezer, saying, "Thus far has the LORD helped us." So the Philistines were subdued and did not invade Israelite territory again.

--------------------

The Israelites were facing a HUGE enemy that they could not fight on their own. Samuel, their wise leader, told them that if they committed themselves to the Lord, He would deliver them from the hands of their enemies. And He did.

Do not be anxious.

I am a control freak. I like to plan everything, and I get very upset when things don't go exactly as I have planned. (Thus, getting our apartment lined up four months before we are moving. I'm moving onto learning how to buy a used car next!)

I am often reminded (by that still, small voice of God) of Philippians 4:6-7 when I am being anxious:
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

I need to stop practicing anxiety and start practicing prayer! Like a parent of a small child, God knows exactly what I need and when it is coming, even as I am pitching a fit about not having it right now.

God, grant me patience... now, please?

Hannah's Story

Hannah, a woman who was barren for years, tormented by her husband's other wife (who was very fertile), who cried out to God in "bitterness of soul" (wow, is that me or what?), was given a baby boy. She who was barren brought forth life!

But then, SHE GAVE HER SON TO GOD. Her one and only son, when she did not know that she would have another. She weaned him and brought him to the temple, "young as he was" (I Sam. 1:24). He was still a baby, but she knew that he belonged to God. What faith.

After handing her son over to the priest to raise, she prayed her prayer. She rejoiced in the Lord and his justice, that the strong would be humbled and the weak strengthened, those who were hungry would be fed, the barren woman would have children. Justice was coming!

Hannah went to the temple each year afterward with her husband to sacrifice to God, visit her son and bring him a new robe. Each time the priest prayed for her to have children to replace the one she gave to God. And eventually she did (the language suggests that there were years in between giving up Samuel and when she conceived again). "And the LORD was gracious to Hannah; she conceived and gave birth to three sons and two daughters." (I Samuel 2:21) Amen!

---------------

Here are some of my thoughts on Hannah.

I am not barren. I didn't have problems conceiving my first child, and I don't expect many problems conceiving a second time. I do, however, know that many of my blog friends are barren (or "infertile" in today's language), and I wanted to include her full story for you all, because the justice God delivered to Hannah is the justice that he will deliver for you - whether it is through a miracle, IVF, IUI, adoption, etc.

However, I feel a close connection to Hannah. She gave her only son to God. I had to give my son to God, also, although I was far less willing to do so. How did she do that? How could a mother bring her son to a place far away from her home and leave him there? How could she walk away from him?

And how did she then sing about justice? It seems to me that the justice that God had given to her at that point was a bit incomplete: her son was not with her any more, she would only see him once a year from that point on. How could she rejoice when her child was gone?

I think she rejoiced because she knew that God's justice was going to be completed. He was only halfway done. She had the faith to believe that one day, maybe tomorrow, maybe five years from now, maybe forty years from now, maybe not until after death, but one day, the poor would be rich, the weak would be strong, the barren woman would be a mother of many. What faith.

I posted her prayer earlier today because it is the promise that I am holding on to - that I too will be the mother of many, and that in my current weakness, the Lord is giving me strength. I posted it because God gave me Max and God took him away and because I am going to rejoice in his wisdom and justice!

Hannah's Prayer

1 Samuel 2:1-10

1 Then Hannah prayed and said:
"My heart rejoices in the LORD;
in the LORD my horn is lifted high.
My mouth boasts over my enemies,
for I delight in your deliverance.

2 "There is no one holy like the LORD;
there is no one besides you;
there is no Rock like our God.

3 "Do not keep talking so proudly
or let your mouth speak such arrogance,
for the LORD is a God who knows,
and by him deeds are weighed.

4 "The bows of the warriors are broken,
but those who stumbled are armed with strength.

5 Those who were full hire themselves out for food,
but those who were hungry hunger no more.
She who was barren has borne seven children,
but she who has had many sons pines away.

6 "The LORD brings death and makes alive;
he brings down to the grave and raises up.

7 The LORD sends poverty and wealth;
he humbles and he exalts.

8 He raises the poor from the dust
and lifts the needy from the ash heap;
he seats them with princes
and has them inherit a throne of honor.
"For the foundations of the earth are the LORD's;
upon them he has set the world.

9 He will guard the feet of his saints,
but the wicked will be silenced in darkness.
"It is not by strength that one prevails;

10 those who oppose the LORD will be shattered.
He will thunder against them from heaven;
the LORD will judge the ends of the earth.
"He will give strength to his king
and exalt the horn of his anointed."