If infertility were the lottery, I would be a millionaire.

Let's begin at the beginning. Yesterday was a followup appointment to the second FSH/estradiol/LH reading I had done on Monday. My FSH was actually okay (7.5), but my estradiol was really high at 121 and it artificially lowers the FSH value, so basically you can take that to mean the same thing (my FSH was probably high). So, we're continuing on with the clomiphene citrate challenge test. That was supposed to be the end of the appointment.

But it wasn't. When I had my progesterone tested a few weeks ago (which was fine, thanks for asking), they also ran a few test for some really rare blood clotting disorders that hadn't been tested for yet. I believe the words of my doctor were, you will not have one of these disorders, but just to cover all of our bases, we'll run these tests. He ate those words! I DO have one of those really rare blood clotting disorders, the Methylenetetrahydrofolate reductase (MTHFR) mutation. But wait - there's more! There are two types of mutations for the MTHFR gene and I have.... BOTH! (I only have one copy of each, though. I might have given him a heart attack otherwise.) This RE has never seen that in a patient before. Goooooooooooooooo me!

Lucky for me, this means that if I ever get pregnant I get to inject myself twice a day with Heparin or once a day with Lovenox (blood thinners) every day of a pregnancy. I also may get to take extra Folic acid for the rest of my life, since folic acid works along with the MTHFR enzyme to break down homocysteine (an amino acid). My RE was not super familiar with this problem, so I'm headed back to... my original doctor! Dr. Atkins, the lovely woman who passed me on to Dr. Blanchard for my septum, who passed me on to Dr. McClamrock for my other problems. I bet she'll be super excited to have me back!

Okay, so to summarize the various ways that I should never be a mother, I not only am going to have trouble getting pregnant (good thing we're starting early!) with any baby, much less a baby that has good genes, but once I get pregnant, my babies are very likely to be miscarried or born too early because of both a septate uterus and a blood clotting disorder.

If infertility were the lottery, I would be a millionaire. Since it isn't the lottery and I am not a millionaire, I can't afford to pay for it. Which means that these doctors are going to have to be very surprised when God takes control and helps me deliver a living baby.

Thank you, Lord, for helping the doctors find these problems, and thank you for the children that I should never have, but will have because you care about me and my husband and our desires! I can't wait to see them and tell them their story...

December blog look

Yes, I've finally decided to change things up around here... I know you all were very confused about how long August was lasting.

Yet another problem... sheesh.

Okay, the update that everyone has been waiting for. Sorry, this has been a hard week, with Olivia's due date and the anniversary of the worst day of my life (Max's 12 week ultrasound, where we found out there was no baby), and I have been thinking and not wanting to write much.

Last Wednesday was my first appointment with an RE, Dr. McClamrock. In regards to my septum, he told me a very similar story to what Dr. Blanchard had said: it is muscular, possibly/probably not what is causing the miscarriages, and very hard to take out (because it is muscular, not fibrous), so he'd like to leave it in for now, unless I have one or two more miscarriages, in which case we will rethink. He also took a look at all of the other tests I have had run and that is where we come to my second problem.

It turns out that my FSH (follical stimulating hormone) from October was a 10, which is within the normal range (which is why the other doctors overlooked it), but not normal for someone my age... More normal for a 35 or 40 year old. So we are looking at me having poor ovarian reserve, if the October test wasn't a fluke and the blood test I have on Monday confirms that number. Poor ovarian reserve means that my body has to work harder to produce an egg each month, and when it does, the eggs are often of poor quality, which would be another possible explanation for the two miscarriages. After confirming a high FSH number on Monday, I am going to go through the Clomiphene citrate challenge test in my January cycle, which means that they will test my FSH level on day 3 of my cycle, then I will take Clomid for days 5-9, and then they will retest my FSH level on day 10 to see if I am responding to ovarian hyperstimulating drugs. The Clomid may help my body produce an egg (0r hopefully many eggs), which would help me get pregnant, and have another shot at a healthy baby.

The doctor did say "age trumphs FSH," which means that I, as a 24 year old, am more likely to eventually have a child than someone who is 35 with the same FSH levels, but he also did say that one or two or more miscarriages are likely. At least someone is finally telling me the truth, eh?

Interestingly, my new RE was part of the University of Maryland Medical Center group, but is switching over to Shady Grove Fertility Center on Monday. I guess God wanted me at Shady Grove anyway - but just sped up the process a little bit. Thanks, God.

Happy birthday, Olivia!

I just know you are having a great big party up in heaven today. I only wish I could be there!

Max, give your sister a big birthday hug and kiss from mommy and daddy! We love you both so so very much.

Lots of love,
Mommy

Uterus Update

The MRIs are done, and I got a call last Wednesday about the results. It turns out my septum is largely muscular (not fibrous) and is not the kind that my doctor (or the RE she consulted with) would be inclined to remove.

The dotted line that you can barely see in the picture is where they would need to trim down to to make my uterus normal, but it would also leave a large area of scarred tissue that would be bad for implantation; basically, it could leave me infertile, which they don't want to do. They are also hopeful that because my septum is muscular, it would have proper blood flow for a growing fetus, which is not the case with a fibrous septum.

They can act aggressively and take it out, or they can act conservatively and leave it, which is what they are inclined to do. The only other option is to do a diagnostic D&C and look with a camera, with the possibility of taking anything out that they felt should come out at that time. The problem is, I'm not sure I want to pay them several hundred (or maybe up to a thousand) dollars to just look around and not do anything. I'm not even sure it would give me greater peace of mind.

Dr. Blanchard recommended that I should meet with Dr. McClamrock, the reproductive endocrinologist (infertility doctor) that she consulted with, before making any decisions. I was a bit frustrated by this, as a new patient appointment with an RE can be several months away. God blessed us thoroughly, though, and got me an appointment with Dr. McClamrock this Wednesday (December 2) at 10 am - wow. I am just glad that we (hopefully, barring that D&C or any other tests he wants to do) will not have to wait any longer, and that I got in so quickly to see him. Praise God.

I'll update after that appointment on Wednesday... Maybe next month we'll be trying again!

No surgery date yet

I had a semi-useless consult this morning. My MRI results from yesterday were not ready yet, and Dr. Blanchard wanted to see them before deciding if she wants to go forward with the surgery or not. I guess she wants to weigh the possibility of scarring vs. how much of a problem she thinks my septum is (because of its small size). So, nothing yet, folks. I'm supposed to get a call either later this week or maybe next Monday or Tuesday.

There will be a pretty small window of opportunity for this surgery to be done next month, especially since we are travelling on the 24th - by my count, it could be done the 17, 18, 21 or 22, preferably earlier rather than later because of the travel. I'm thinking, though, it may be put off until January... If you want to, you could pray for a perfect spot to open up in her calendar - in my eyes, the sooner the better, since we have to wait several months after the surgery to start trying again!

MRI Rescheduled

I started reading a "romance" book by Nora Roberts last night, but realized about 20 minutes into it that it had a serial killer and lots of violence! Because of my awful imagination and the fact that it keeps me up at night for those kind of things, I decided to just keep reading and finish the book (I'm a super fast reader), which I did around 3 am. As I thought, justice would be served by the end of the book, and my brain didn't need to play over the scenes when I should have been sleeping.

In any case, I got up at 8 am this morning to call my doctor's office about the MRI appointment. They couldn't see anything in their system, so they had me call radiology, who said it had, in fact, been cancelled. However, they still had the appointment open, so I'm rebooked and going in at 12:30 for registration before the 1 o'clock appointment. I'm not supposed to eat for four hours before the procedure, so I actually need to run and eat right now - only 24 minutes left! :-P

Thanks for your prayers - everything is working out so far!

Last minute MRI

It turns out that somebody at my new doctor's office scheduled me for an MRI tomorrow at 1 pm, but never bothered to call me. Lovely. So I got a call from the Radiology department (I think) this evening, reminding me of my appointment, but since I had no idea about the appointment and told her I had a subbing job for tomorrow already, the woman told me to call and work things out with my doctor's office.

After I got off the phone, I decided just to cancel my sub job and make this appointment tomorrow, but now I'm worried that the woman I spoke with may have cancelled my appointment! Would you all pray that I can still get in tomorrow? I guess Dr. Blanchard (my new doctor) wants this done before our appointment on Wednesday, and I think not having the MRI might mean we would have to put off the appointment, which means putting off the surgery, which means putting off getting pregnant again!

I'm going to call my doctor's office first thing in the morning (they were closed when I got off the phone with the radiology person). Please pray that all will go forward!

Not pregnant!

No hitch this time around. I have a consult appointment on Wednesday morning at 8 am and have to get an MRI at some point soon. I'll update when I have more info!

I need to be NOT pregnant right now.

Calling all prayer warriors! I need major prayer over the next few days that I am not pregnant.

Why, might you ask? Because it turns out that I do have a uterine septum and that it will need to be removed. My not-so-sure-that-your-two-miscarriages-weren't-just-awful-luck doctor turned into a Houston-we-have-a-problem-but-thankfully-we-can-fix-it doctor today. A normal uterine lining is 12 mm and mine was 20 at the fundus - which makes a septum, I am told. Searching google has told me that with a septum my miscarriage rate is around 80%, and with a hysteropic resection it drops to 17% (under the general population rate of about 20%) - WOW, I will take that second number.

Boy, am I glad that I saw that stupid septum when the other doctor didn't.

Two months ago, both my Ob/Gyn and the doctor who performed the sonohystogram swore up and down that my two babies' lack of development was 95% likely due to genetic problems. But today, I was told that it probably was implantation on the septum that caused the problem. (You see, there isn't good endometrium on the septum to give a growing baby the necessary blood flow.) And they just let me sit around for two months believing that I just had really awful luck!

Luckily, the procedure for removing this is a cinch, and doesn't even necessarily require cutting anything (other than the septum itself, of course), unless they want to perform a laproscopy and use a camera and light for better accuracy (so they don't go too thin). The biggest risk is cutting too far into my uterine wall, which would require me to have a c-section later, rather than being able to vaginally give birth.

In other news, my hormone levels were all perfect, and there were no signs of any of the autoimmune disorders that she checked for.

But here comes the prayer part: my period is due on Thursday (or maybe Saturday, my ovulation day was semi-ambiguous) and because the doctor at the sonohystogram appeared to think my uterus normal, we TRIED to get pregnant this month (and last month, but thankfully that didn't work out, since I had the swine flu when I got my period). Please pray that God in his infinite wisdom knew better than us foolish people and did not allow this! Or if that's not the case, that the baby would implant in a good location and be in that 20% chance of making it to a live birth.

Most importantly, I am glad this means that my Max and Olivia had a purpose - they are saving my other children's lives. Thank you, my sweet babies!

National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day

I had a rather peaceful day today, which was not what I expected on my first October 15 on this side of pregnancy loss.

Last October 15, I took my first positive pregnancy test, and knew the pure bliss of motherhood for the next 8 weeks. What a joy those 8 weeks were. If only I could go back...

On December 9 my husband and I found out that our baby had not formed properly and that we would not be bringing him home in June. We named him Max Samuel.

Then in the end of March, we learned that we were expecting another baby. We had the great joy of seeing her several times via ultrasound. Her little heart beat for three and a half weeks, and then she was gone. Her name is Olivia Faith.

Thank you all for lighting your candles in memory of my babies and of yours. I felt at peace knowing that others were remembering my babies and knowing that I wasn't alone today in mourning. We won't forget them!

I love you, Livie and Max! Mommy misses you so much!

Sonohystogram

I'm back from my appointment. It took a long time to check in and a long time to wait to be seen, and then about an hour for the procedure - but it's finally done. Phew!

The first part of the exam was a transvaginal ultrasound. The technician could readily see that I have a partially bicornuate uterus and commented about that. Otherwise, I looked normal in that part of the exam.

After he was done with that they began the procedure to fill up my uterus with saline. That took a while to set up, but not so long to actually do. Once they were in there they took a couple 3D ultrasound images as well as some 2D ones. The news was pretty much all good - no polyps or fibroids, definitely an arcuate uterus (the top or "fundus" of my uterus is concave instead of convex or flat), with a very small, teensy weensy septum. The doctor said she absolutely wouldn't worry about it because it was so small, and it may not even be considered a septum - there is a specific length that it has to be before it will be defined as such. An arcuate uterus is considered a variation of a normal uterus and shouldn't cause miscarriages, although some studies have found it more likely to cause them in the second trimester.

The whole thing wasn't too painful; there was definitely some strong cramping when they injected the saline (you could tell my uterus was like, WTH?). I was glad that Jonathan was there to drive me home, though, because I was shaking like a mouse when I was done (too nervous and cold and tired from holding my legs up).

My genes are normal

Hello everyone,

I thought I would post an update about my appointment today, even though that would mean posting TWO DAYS IN A ROW. Wow, go me.

First of all, I must say "welcome to the 21st century." This office had a digital scale, a digital blood pressure taker, and probably a really nice ultrasound machine (although I did not get to experience that). A very nice change from my old Ob/Gyn's office!

Second of all, thanks for those quick prayers! Dr. Atkins had gotten my entire humongous pile of records from MIT. Woohoo! She spent about 15 minutes delaying my appointment to go over them before she talked to me - but at least she had them!

The appointment itself was good. We spent a lot of time with her explaining the various possible reasons for recurrent miscarriage (yep, I already knew all of that, thanks), but it was good because she was also able to go over my test results from MIT and tell me what was not wrong with me (since you'll remember everything was negative). It turns out that they had looked at my chromosome, which is NORMAL, as well as all of the exciting inherited thrombophilias, again NORMAL (I am thrombophobic); they checked for lupus and some other antibody disease, NORMAL, thyroid, NORMAL.

The possibilities we still have to test for are, in the order of probability:
1. Structural anomaly - sonohystogram
2. FSH and progesterone levels on Day 3 of my next cycle (since it was suckily Day 4 today) - blood tests
3. A few more thrombophilias, the ones that are not inherited - blood tests
4. Jonathan's chromosomes - we probably will not check this unless we find nothing else wrong. Chromosome problems are usually the mother's, since chromosomally abnormal sperm don't swim normally and rarely beat out the normal sperm to fertilization.

It turns out that my uterus is heart-shaped, or bicornuate, (thanks to none of my past doctors for telling me this!), which is okay unless I actually have a septate uterus, which means a septum (or thin layer of skin) running down the middle of my uterus. If this is the case, then I would have a very high risk of recurrent miscarriage, unless this is surgically corrected. There are also other possibilities for structural anomalies, such as fibroids or polyps, although a septum is the most likely anomaly in my case.

I have a sonohystogram scheduled for next Monday. Super fast service! The blood tests are all going to be run on my next CD3, as long as that is not a Saturday or Sunday, since they aren't open on weekends. I will meet with Dr. Atkins again on November 2 to discuss all of these results and what we should do next.

Get your news! Daily news! Fifty cents!

Okay, so I have tons of things to write about today, but we'll start with the oft-requested picture!
(Disclaimer: this photo is barely processed, since I cannot get Photoshop to work right now. Ignore the pimply face, please.) Sorry that this is so long in coming, I just never had decent looking hair after work this week... so it took until Saturday to take!

News #1:
Real women don't date Yankees fans. Love you, Que Sarah Sarah!

News #2: We found our church today! Hope Bible Church is a non-denominational church that is absolutely perfect... for both of us! I had no faith that we were going to find a church that made us happy, especially not one that we both thought was perfect, but that is what we walked out of the door today saying.

They sang hymns and praise songs, had at least 45 minutes of exceptional expositional preaching (and today was just the pastoral intern! We heard amazing things about their regular pastor), in-depth, exciting classes after service, and the friendliest people ever, including "the other" electrical engineer at the church and his wife (who are also new and want to invite us over to their house!). AND THERE WERE SO MANY PEOPLE OUR AGE!!!!11!1!one1!!1eleven! (as Brian would say).

News #3:
I have already done three substituting jobs (in high schools all three times), and I must say that I absolutely love teaching. It is a bit stressful (especially when you have a high maintenance teacher like I subbed for on Friday) and tiring (when standing on your feet all day long running from student to student to keep them on task), but so much fun and really rewarding. Hopefully I will pull myself together some time this week and write a post about it. :)

News#4:
I have my first "recurring pregnancy loss" appointment tomorrow at the University of Maryland Medical Center in Baltimore. I am really looking forward to possibly getting some answers and to being pregnant again soon! There were so many pregnant women today at church and I really just wanted to be one of them: a normal pregnant woman who doesn't worry about if her baby will actually make it past 12 weeks this time. Okay, so I won't be that non-worrying person anyway, but at least there is a possibility that my next baby could make it past 12 weeks!

It might be too late for this, but you could pray that the Women's Health Center could find the records that MIT mailed them. As of last Monday they were missing in action and MIT wouldn't fax them or send the whole set again (I had them resend the test results from June, at least), and I'm really hoping that my doctor will have information to work with.

News #5:
I just ordered this printer along with three full sets of ink cartridges....for free! When we signed up for Verizon Fios, their current deal was that you could get a free netbook from HP (one of those mini computers) after paying your Verizon bills for two months. Well, we just passed the two month mark and got our certificate... and realized that we didn't have to use it on a netbook (which we didn't really want or need). So, we had $299.99 to spend on HP's website! We really, really needed a new printer, and decided to get the Officejet 6500 Wireless All-in-One (we really need the scanning/copying function, too!).

News #6:
I'm sure that you could have lived without knowing this, but I needed to share this with other women who might understand me (since my husband just kind of nods his head at this kind of information)... I am having the most wonderful, sweet period ever. I never would have thought that I would call a period wonderful or sweet, but this one has just been absolutely magical after the hellish nightmares of the past four months. TMI, I know. But I just needed to share.

Job!

Today was orientation for my new job as a subsitute teacher. I was so nervous, even though I knew this was just an orientation, and I didn't sleep well at all last night! That made it very difficult to get up this morning at 7.

The weather was awful on the drive over to the Board of Education. Torrential rain and traffic on MD-100 on top of that, so I had to drive really carefully, all the while fighting the urge to close my eyes.

Orientation was great (well, as great as watching training videos and presentations can be). There were probably 30 people there, a lot of them were new graduates who couldn't find teaching jobs, so they're stuck subbing until budgets improve. Sad. :(

Regardless of budget cuts, the Board of Education gave us free copies of the Substitute Teaching Handbook from Utah State University's Substitute Teaching Institute. I had looked into buying this book earlier this summer (and searched every Maryland library for it to no avail), so I'm glad I didn't spend the $20 on my own! That was really nice of them. Go Board!

I can't start working until they get my name entered into the system... Which probably won't be until next Tuesday or so. I'll definitely write all about my first day once I've had it!



P.S. I got my hair cut on Wednesday, but you're going to have to ask very nicely if you want me to post a picture (it's not bad or anything, I'm just lazy!). If I get enough requests, maybe I'll have Jonny do a photo shoot tonight. :)

I got contacts.

I had them in high school, but they turned the whites of my eyes into the reds of my eyes and I looked a bit like a monster. So I stopped wearing them. But as that was close to eight years ago, my eye doctor and I both thought that "breathable" contact lens technology may have progressed enough to enable me to wear contacts... I'm keeping my fingers crossed! So far, so good.


In an effort to aid my eyes, we decided that a chemical based cleaning system was probably not a good way to go, and I got this awesome UV/ultrasound cleaner. The UV kills off any bacteria on the contacts and the ultrasound will shake any dust/particles off of the contacts. Really cool, right? The chemist in me had to have this as soon as I heard about it! (Although the chemist in me also shies away from the thing whenever it is on... That purple color throws off so many cancer warning signs in my head!)

Why my eye?

Can anyone guess why I am showing you a picture of my eye?

P.S. Also, what color would you say my eyes are? I'd normally say green, but they look almost blue this close up. Hmmph.
P.P.S. Please ignore the dark circle under my eye. If anyone has any solution for getting rid of those (I'm getting plenty of sleep, thank you very much), let me know!
P.P.P.S. I hope no one 50 years in the future will be able to gain access to some record of mine because I posted a picture of my eye on the internet. Ah, privacy concerns.


UPDATE:

Good guess, Amy, but not correct! Anyone else?

The Big Plunge

I finally took The Big Plunge and made an appointment to finish my recurrent pregnancy loss (RPL) testing before trying to get pregnant a third time. I'll be seeing a high-risk pregnancy doctor in Baltimore, who will finish the testing that I wasn't able to have done in Boston before we moved. She will also be able and hopefully more willing to monitor my next pregnancy more cautiously than an regular Ob/Gyn. My appointment isn't until September 21 (not too bad for a brand new patient), so we will have to be careful to not get me pregnant next cycle! Less than five weeks to go...

I decided to get testing before a third pregnancy because of an online talk I heard from a RPL specialist at Shady Grove Fertility Clinic. He basically said that although doctors used to make patients wait for three miscarriages, it's hard for them to tell patients that they need to wait for a third dead baby to have testing done, especially with the low difference in chances of miscarrying after a second and third loss. A lot of patients with unexplained RPL have successful pregnancies with TLC and a few harmless, possibly helpful treatments (like baby aspirin to help prevent clotting and progesterone in case of low progesterone, even though they don't know if this actually prevents miscarriage or not). After listening to his talk, I felt a little less crazy for wanting testing done now.

It's hard to not know anyone in real life who has had two losses before any successful pregnancies. Sometimes I feel like everyone around me is thinking that I must be a hypochondriac, that I'm just making this up. Or that because I am pessimistic in general that I am blowing this up to be a bigger deal than it is. It's hard, too, because I'm not a part of the infertility sisterhood. I felt like I couldn't make an appointment at Shady Grove Fertility Clinic because I could be taking the spot of someone who can't get pregnant on her own, and that wouldn't be fair. I can get pregnant on my own, rather easily, I just don't keep the babies.

I was thinking about skipping trying to get pregnant next month, anyway. I can only imagine the terror I would have had to have another baby due in June, to have another loss in December. Although part of me thinks, hey, why shouldn't I let the bad dates pile up in December; then I will just have a really, really rough month instead of spreading out the loss throughout the year. (I found out on December 9 last year that Max had died; I miscarried him on December 14; Olivia was due on December 7 or 16, depending on whether you trust the U/S date or my dating.)

What would you have done?

Me=hired

Who would have thought that there was a job left in this economy? Apparently babysitting teenagers is NOT a high priority position (Maybe it's the lack of benefits? Or the possibility that you will not have a job every day? Nah... probably just the dealing with teenagers part) because I was hired to be a substitute teacher for a nearby public school system. Woohoo!

Now we can have a countdown to when Abbie can finally start working! (See above.) Cha-ching!

My backup plan was to get myself a position at Ann Taylor Loft. (Believe it or not, they were also hiring, at least as of a few weeks ago.) 1) I could sell their clothes to anyone, I am a great salesman of things I believe in; 2) I already wear Ann Taylor Loft every day, so it's not like I would have needed a whole new wardrobe; 3) Can you say employee discount? Cha-ching, cha-ching! I would have walked out of there with a net gain of zero in the bank account, but some rather lovely additions to my closet.

You know what? I actually think I've seen a bunch of places hiring around here. Maybe the problem with the rest of the country is that all of the government's money is going into the defense industry, which is basically here. So... if you're looking for a job, maybe you should move to Maryland/DC/Virginia! And be my friend!

And on that positive note, here is a lovely video of a Democrat making a fool out of herself. What better way to end a happy post?

Recharged... but draining

Sorry for the lovely little outburst on Friday. I get grumpier and grumpier as the week goes on - probably from sitting inside all week long and not seeing anyone but my cat and husband. The weekends usually recharge me and get me ready for a new week of sitting inside... but it's a very vicious cycle.

Here are some pictures of our weekend with our life group visitors! We went into DC on Saturday and has a great, but exhausting day of seeing monuments and museums.

This horse was very talkative! He yelled at Jonathan for walking by, and then proceeded to drink out of the fountain.

Ticked off.

Okay, seriously? Everyone in the freaking blogging world is pregnant (or just had a baby) except me. This is why I no longer read my blogs - why bother? I know what's happening anyway.

Pg 56 Sentence Meme

1. Grab the book nearest you. Right now.
2. Turn to page 56.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post that sentence along with these instructions in your LiveJournal.
5. Don't dig for your favorite book, the coolest, the most intellectual. Use the CLOSEST.

"His plans are far from ripe, I think, but they are ripening."

There isn't a chance that any of you will get this one (without googling, *ahem, Sarah*)unless you know what I've been reading this week.

Happy Day

Well, there you go. It only took me a day!

I'm in a great mood today, probably because I got a check in the mail to pay off a loan - that's always a great feeling! Plus, our awesome small group from Boston is headed down here on Friday - it is going to be so great to see them! In fact, our August is full of fun people coming to visit - Brian and Amy, Angelin, Jon and Kate (not the "Plus 8" ones)... I am really glad that it is August - and I think my new blog look shows it!

Did I mention that I applied for the substitute teaching position? I haven't heard anything yet, but I'm not sure that MIT has sent them my transcript yet, even though I'm pretty sure it's been four weeks since I asked them to and they cashed my check two weeks ago! Oh, MIT... How hard can it be to send a transcript?



P.S. I read in Good Housekeeping last month about this guy who is trying to help people stop complaining, and has them switch a bracelet from arm to arm every time they do so. The woman who wrote the article started out with about 100 switches in the first day... I think I would have more than that (although maybe not, since I only get to speak out loud for about 5 hours each day). Her conclusion was that complaining is too ingrained in her way of life, and that it helps her bond with the people she loves. I think I just found my new best friend.

August is here

Okay, okay, so it's August and I don't have a new blog look up yet... I just haven't felt like sitting down and creating! Maybe my creative juices will be more active sometime later this week.

I know that I have gotten incredibly boring recently, and my only excuse is that my life is incredibly boring right now! I don't have a child to report on, or a pregnancy to update you all about, and I am positive that you don't want to hear about how my Lord of the Rings Online character is doing... So I haven't been around much! Hopefully in the next month or two one of those situations will change (hint, hint, I'd love to get pregnant again soon!), but we'll have to wait and see.

Recommendation: Knocked Up, Knocked Down

An amazing post today, from a writer at Exhale (but on her blog, not in Exhale): http://knockedupknockeddown.blogspot.com/2009/07/when-plans-are-screwed.html

my rough day

I had a ROUGH day yesterday!

As background, my parents gave us their old van, and we have to get it changed over to Maryland registration/titling/etc. Yesterday I went to have it inspected, which I figured would end up being an easy peasy thing because it had just passed inspection in West Virginia two months ago... So you can imagine my dismay when the Toyota service man came back to me with a minor problem (rusty battery terminals) and a major problem (replacing the left front inner tie rod, which made us also need an alignment)... It came out to $600 worth of "fixing" our car for the state inspection, instead of the $75 that I had been prepared to spend on getting it inspected! Yikes! I freaked out because we do NOT have that much extra money lying around in our bank account, and I started having a heart attack trying to figure out how to pay it. (I guess it's a good sign that my credit card doesn't quickly come to my mind as a solution.) Thank goodness they at least had all of the parts in stock so that it could be fixed that afternoon.

Because the car was going to be several more hours to be fixed, they offered me a free rental car, which I suppose was a bit of a consolation considering how much money they were stealing from me... I decided to go ahead and get my grocery shopping done, since I had been planning to do that after the inspection, and then just hang out at my house until they called me to tell me the van was ready. I drove 30 minutes north to go to the Sam's Club near our house, and when I had my groceries, headed 5 minutes back to our apartment.... at which I discovered that I didn't have my house keys. (I had about $30 worth of refrigerated food, since this is Sam's Club we're talking about.) Since I don't know any of my neighbors and don't have any friends in the state of Maryland, and since my husband works at a place in which he can't bring in his cell phone during the day, I couldn't leave the groceries with anyone! The only solution I could think of was to drive down to the Toyota dealership, pray that the van was ready, and, if so, swap the groceries into it and come back. But it wasn't ready when I got there and still had another hour to go... So I had them bring me my house key, at which point I drove 30 minutes back to my house, dropped off the groceries, jumped back in the rental for a 30 minute drive back down to the dealer. My van was finally ready, so I got in that and headed back home (again, 30 minutes).

I drove a total of 3 hours yesterday. I could have been almost back in WV by then! All I could think of as I was driving here and there was that the perfect end to the day would be either 1) crashing the rental car into something or 2) getting a speeding ticket (I was going about 10 over on my third trip down seeing as how ticked off I was!). Thank the Lord that neither happened...

Blah

They say your cycles change after a pregnancy (whether ending in birth or miscarriage). Sadly, I think my days of 24-27 day cycles are OVER. I am currently on day 33. Last month was 35 days. Way too long for an impatient person like myself. Sadly, I don't know where I am in the two week wait because I no longer temp! My, oh my.

Sorry for the self-loathing that snuck into my post yesterday. That's about where I spend most of my days, so it was pretty real, but I shouldn't take it out on other people. I'm sure that's not what they're thinking when I explain what I'm doing or not doing right now. It's only what I'm thinking.

Home

I am home this week, well, at my parents' home in Wheeling, WV. All of the kids are finally back together, and minus my hubby it almost feels like zooming back six years in the past to when I actually still lived here... Except I have a cool, grownup 15 year old sister now. And I own a car. :-D

My cousins from Louisiana came up for my grandma's 85th birthday, which is why I came back. Jonathan couldn't come because he doesn't have time off from work yet, although I think everyone is thinking we must be hitting a rough spot in our marriage, because they keep asking where he is with a slightly accusatory look. Yeah, thanks for your confidence, peeps.

On that note, I think the title of Jon & Kate Plus Eight should be edited to include a big red slash through Jon's name. What a jerk.

Gotta love the other question I get from everyone: so what are you doing now? See, that question is so loaded when it's coming to me. I was the one who left West Virginia to go to MIT! The genius child! I should be a doctor or a rocket scientist or at least a plain old chemist (who's on the way to curing cancer). But I am a NOBODY, and no one pauses to consider the fact that I was expecting to be a MOM right now, not sitting on my butt being a NOBODY for three months. And after this summer, I'm going to be a lousy substitute teacher. I mean, who wants to brag about their neice who went to MIT and became a substitute teacher? Kind of a flat ending.

Church news

You'll have to forgive my silence... I just don't have much to say from day to day! Not much changes daily in my life right now. :)

In good news, I think we may have found a church that we are both okay with. I think it will mean us going to two services each Sunday (one traditional and one contemporary) on top of a Sunday school class before the first service, all of which is annoying and time consuming, especially as two are in the morning and one is in the evening, but that is probably the best solution we are going to have for Jonathan and me anyway. We are just two different people when it comes to how we worship. I say we're okay with it because we weren't in love with the senior pastor (there wasn't much meat to his sermon), but we're going to give him another chance and see if that was just a fluke. The pastor who spoke at the contemporary service was much better, in my opinion. Anywho, it was encouraging to finally see some people our age at a church... The churches we've visited in the weeks prior looked like 40+ clubs, with one heavy on the 60+ side...

Church last night was refreshing, for once. I felt like I actually connected with God and we had some encouraging time together, which is not happening very frequently for me right now... I'm sure because of where my heart is most of the time. And believe me, folks, I know in my head how wrong what I am feeling is, but that doesn't change that I am feeling it! Only God can help me do that.

I'm off to do some more cleaning - my house is such a mess after the weekend and I need to get on top of it! I get stressed out when I am in a gross environment.

Honest Scrap award

Okay, I am just now getting around to this, but Brooke from Hopes, Dreams, and the in between gave me an Honest Scrap award last week. It's my first blog award so I was pretty excited. :)

Here are the Honest Scrap stipulations:

1. Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find interesting and engaging.
2. Show the 7 winners names and links on your blog and leave a comment informing them that they have won the "Honest Scrap Award."
3. List at least 10 honest things about yourself.

My honest scrap:
1. I'm pretty upset with God for allowing two of my babies to die, and sometimes I try to bargain with him for our next one.
2. I never want to go back to work and I'm mad that I'm not a stay at home mom right now, with something to do, something to contribute to the family.
3. I get upset that more people don't know about my miscarriages, but then I don't want them to know either. I can't decide if I want to be understood and pitied or just treated normally.
4. I'm scared to death that I will never have a living child, of my own flesh and blood or otherwise, that even if we tried to adopt that it would always go wrong.
5. I'm afraid that we will never find a church that works for both Jonathan and me. We are such opposites in church and worship styles.
6. I have no clue where I would be without Jonathan. He is the light of my life. Sometimes I think that he will be taken away from me because I love him too much.
7. I am afraid to post this because I know that most of this is theologically unsound and probably heretical, so please don't e-mail me about how wrong I am. I'm just sharing what I honestly feel right now. God already knows, so why shouldn't you?
8. I hate showering, especially when I'm just staying home all day anyway. I see no point to it!
9. I spent my entire day yesterday on Lord of the Rings Online (an MMORPG). Way to use that college degree, Abbie.
10. I feel huge amounts of mommy guilt that I am not grieving for Olivia the way that I grieved for Max. I think I am constantly pushing it out of my mind so that I don't just collapse into a puddle on the floor.

Honest enough for you?

Now it's your turn:
Shaina
Christina
Greta
Charity from Charity Begins at Home
Charity from Considering It All Joy
Mimi
Rachel

July look and Independence Day

New blog look up! Even though the 4th has already passed, I'm still feeling mighty patriotic, especially living near DC and all.

Like it?

You guys have been visiting me while I've been gone! We're already past 12,000 hits! In sad news, I know a lot of those visitors have been mommies who have lost their babies recently and have needed to take cytotec for a medically-induced miscarriage. I have been reading all of your comments and praying for you girls. I feel your pain (physically and emotionally) and I wish that you did not have to go through this. But better to go through it together, right?

Our Independence Day was well spent, our first time in Washington, D.C. We went in to the city to visit a friend who was in Northern Virginia for a few days, and I'm so glad we did! When we got there, there was a huge parade on the mall. The first part had tons of military walking by us, and it felt like a victory parade. Everyone in the crowd cheered for these brave men and women.



We have more pictures of the parade, but I won't bore you with them. This is my favorite group from the parade, the Chinese Americans. The fans are just priceless. :)



Waiting for Sarah and her entourage near the National Art Gallery. What amazes me about this picture is that I am actually walking toward the camera here, although I look like I am posing.



This is Thor, the god of thunder, posing with the Washington monument. Actually, he's a toy from a McDonald's happy meal from 2003 (don't tell him I told you that; he gets a little touchy about the subject). Does anyone know what movie/tv show he is actually from? We have no clue and would love to find out! There's a prize in it for anyone who delivers the right answer with picture proof. :)



Me and my friend Sarah! All of the randomness in the background of this picture upsets my artistic sensibilities, but oh well.



And finally, I am so jealous of this picture, but I must admit that my husband took it, especially since the fact that I am in it gives that away. :) Fireworks on the Ellipse.