Olivia's first birthday

Happy first birthday to my precious Livie! She would have been one today.

I am thankful for my sweet girl in heaven who is praising Jesus right now. But I really wish I could have seen her first steps and if she liked chocolate cake as much as her mommy.

It hurts to know that we should be partying it up with a one year old, but I am so thankful for the two precious boys kicking in my womb right now. Lord, please preserve their lives!

Happy first heavenly birthday, Olivia!

It is hard to think that my baby, my Olivia, has already been in heaven for a year! But it is true... Every day I think to myself, one day closer to my babies... But today, I can actually say one year closer to my babies! What a joyful thought!

Olivia, I love that I don't have to wish for you to have many more happy years; I know you will! I am so happy that you are happy and actively spending your days bringing glory to the name of God! I can't wait for the day that I get to join you praising His name for eternity. To me, it seems like it is so far away, but it is getting closer every day!

Exalting in the LORD

I survived Mother's Day - actually, I would say I more than survived. I smiled some, I cried some, and I was so thankful for sweet friends and my kind husband who all helped me get through it. And the sweet thought that maybe next year I will have a baby.

Now I have to get through next Monday... Olivia's first heavenly birthday! What a joyful and yet sad day.

"Though the fig tree should not blossom
And there be no fruit on the vines,
Though the yield of the olive should fail
And the fields produce no food,
Though the flock should be cut off from the fold
And there be no cattle in the stalls,
Yet I will exalt in the LORD,
I will rejoice in the God of my salvation.
The LORD God is my strength
And He has made my feet like hinds' feet,
And makes me walk on my high places."
-Habakkuk 3:17-19

What I am learning from counseling

"Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Phil. 1:6

"He who is carrying it on is not one who can be baffled and forced to give up his design. He is able to carry it out in the unlikeliest circumstances and against the most resolute resistance. Everything must give way before Him. This thought is, I confess, to me one of the most comforting connected with the discipline. If it could fail! If God could be frustrated in His designs after we have suffered so much, it would be awful!" -Horatius Bonar

"Remember how the LORD your God led you all the way in the desert these forty years, to humble you and to test you... He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna... to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD." -Deuteronomy 8:2-3

I don't think I can say it any better than these verses have said it. Thank you, Laura, for walking through this time with me!

Happy birthday, Olivia!

I just know you are having a great big party up in heaven today. I only wish I could be there!

Max, give your sister a big birthday hug and kiss from mommy and daddy! We love you both so so very much.

Lots of love,
Mommy

National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day

I had a rather peaceful day today, which was not what I expected on my first October 15 on this side of pregnancy loss.

Last October 15, I took my first positive pregnancy test, and knew the pure bliss of motherhood for the next 8 weeks. What a joy those 8 weeks were. If only I could go back...

On December 9 my husband and I found out that our baby had not formed properly and that we would not be bringing him home in June. We named him Max Samuel.

Then in the end of March, we learned that we were expecting another baby. We had the great joy of seeing her several times via ultrasound. Her little heart beat for three and a half weeks, and then she was gone. Her name is Olivia Faith.

Thank you all for lighting your candles in memory of my babies and of yours. I felt at peace knowing that others were remembering my babies and knowing that I wasn't alone today in mourning. We won't forget them!

I love you, Livie and Max! Mommy misses you so much!

The Big Plunge

I finally took The Big Plunge and made an appointment to finish my recurrent pregnancy loss (RPL) testing before trying to get pregnant a third time. I'll be seeing a high-risk pregnancy doctor in Baltimore, who will finish the testing that I wasn't able to have done in Boston before we moved. She will also be able and hopefully more willing to monitor my next pregnancy more cautiously than an regular Ob/Gyn. My appointment isn't until September 21 (not too bad for a brand new patient), so we will have to be careful to not get me pregnant next cycle! Less than five weeks to go...

I decided to get testing before a third pregnancy because of an online talk I heard from a RPL specialist at Shady Grove Fertility Clinic. He basically said that although doctors used to make patients wait for three miscarriages, it's hard for them to tell patients that they need to wait for a third dead baby to have testing done, especially with the low difference in chances of miscarrying after a second and third loss. A lot of patients with unexplained RPL have successful pregnancies with TLC and a few harmless, possibly helpful treatments (like baby aspirin to help prevent clotting and progesterone in case of low progesterone, even though they don't know if this actually prevents miscarriage or not). After listening to his talk, I felt a little less crazy for wanting testing done now.

It's hard to not know anyone in real life who has had two losses before any successful pregnancies. Sometimes I feel like everyone around me is thinking that I must be a hypochondriac, that I'm just making this up. Or that because I am pessimistic in general that I am blowing this up to be a bigger deal than it is. It's hard, too, because I'm not a part of the infertility sisterhood. I felt like I couldn't make an appointment at Shady Grove Fertility Clinic because I could be taking the spot of someone who can't get pregnant on her own, and that wouldn't be fair. I can get pregnant on my own, rather easily, I just don't keep the babies.

I was thinking about skipping trying to get pregnant next month, anyway. I can only imagine the terror I would have had to have another baby due in June, to have another loss in December. Although part of me thinks, hey, why shouldn't I let the bad dates pile up in December; then I will just have a really, really rough month instead of spreading out the loss throughout the year. (I found out on December 9 last year that Max had died; I miscarried him on December 14; Olivia was due on December 7 or 16, depending on whether you trust the U/S date or my dating.)

What would you have done?

36 weeks, 12 weeks

Max would have been 36 weeks today - can you even believe it? His due date is coming up quickly here. I wonder if the size of my stomach would have blown my mind away. I wonder if he would have been long and lean like his daddy or small like his mommy. I wonder what it would be like to be unbelievable uncomfortable right now, with little feet pushing into my ribs.

Olivia would have been 12 weeks yesterday, according to my original due date - I can't believe it's only been 8 weeks since I found out about her, it seems like a lifetime. I can't believe my first trimester would have been just about over now. I wish I could get to see her one more time.

I also wonder - when Olivia's due date in December comes around, will I be mourning or rejoicing?

Not much here.

I want my baby back. Is that so much to ask? Why did God take her away from me? I'm her mommy, I'm supposed to take care of her and now she's so far away. I want to be with my baby. Please.

I'm still losing pieces of her sac. Do you really need to rub this in my face, God? I know that she's dead. I KNOW ALREADY.

Blessed be the name of the Lord.

Olivia Faith Burnham was born into heaven
on Sunday, May 17, 2009 at 9:45 pm.
Her parents are happy to know that
she is safe in the arms of Jesus
alongside her big brother, Max.

We love you, Max and Olivia. Mommy and daddy will be up there in just the blink of an eye, okay?

“Naked I came from my mother’s womb,
And naked shall I return there.
The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away;
Blessed be the name of the LORD.”
-Job 1:21