9w, 4d: Keep praying, we haven't lost Thumper yet.

Yesterday afternoon I updated my post saying that I was having red bleeding, but no cramping. However, last night the cramping started around 9 pm and carried on until around 4 am with an awful climax that almost made me cave and take my one remaining oxycontin from my last miscarriage. I just couldn't do it, though, because I don't know that the baby is dead. Even through the horrendous cramping, there wasn't increased blood flow, still only about a teaspoon every two or three hours. I must say, that cramping signalled what I thought was the end of Thumper; we asked our friend to step in for Jonathan at Sunday School today so that he could stay home with me to make sure I didn't bleed to death.

At this point, I think it's safe to say that I'm at best having a threatened miscarriage and at worst an attempted miscarriage. The only difference? A closed cervix. If that little piece of skin is holding fast, it could mean the difference between joy in seven months or sorrow in the next few days or maybe weeks. I guess Thumper would still have to be alive, too, but I really don't think that fetal demise is what set this all off. I can't see him/her having died that quickly after our ultrasound that it triggered bleeding less than 24 hours later. I am a bit concerned, though, that all of this cramping could have shaken the placenta loose. Can that happen?

One question I still have is, how quickly do miscarriages usually progress? We're working on almost 48 hours now, and I haven't seen much progression. I thought that if things were going to happen, it would have been over more quickly than this. I haven't had a regular miscarriage before, Max's was initiated by Misoprostol, and I'm not sure if a medicated miscarriage is in the same time frame as a spontaneous one.

Also, I had morning sickness today still. Good sign, I think.

9w, 3d: Such a hard wait

I haven't had much spotting since yesterday afternoon and have had no cramping whatsoever. I am in bed and staying put, at least for today, with my sweet husband running around and getting me everything I need. :) I haven't figured out about our last Sunday School class tomorrow... I don't think running around after 3 year olds is a good idea, but I really want to see them one last time! Plus, there's the walking there and back, about 20 minutes each way. I just don't think it's a good idea, but I don't see much of a way around it that doesn't cost mucho dollars (like a taxi or Zipcar). So we'll have to see...

From my limited knowledge, I just don't see how this could be a miscarriage, since we saw a live baby on Thursday afternoon and less than 24 hours later I'm bleeding? Can a baby die and then a body already begin rejecting it that quickly? It just doesn't make sense to me. Unless the baby didn't die and my body is rejecting it for some other reason...

This is probably TMI, but we haven't had sex since Tuesday, my pap smear was three weeks ago, and they didn't use a vaginal probe for the ultrasound... I did walk back home from the ultrasound, about 20 minutes. Could that have set it off?

Anyhow, thank you girls for praying... I really appreciate it. I'm not feeling so scared right now and I really feel like we're going to see a live baby on Monday. But I agree with Staci, Thumper, you have got to stop scaring me like this!

Update at 4:45 pm:
I've had some red spotting today, but no cramps yet. It's weird, it feels like I'm bleeding heavier than I am... I keep thinking, oh, that must have been it, but not much has come out. I'm staying in bed today and tomorrow for sure and I'll take Monday off, too, with just the appointment that will get me up. And I guess we'll see Monday what the doctor says.

I'm not sure why I'm so calm right now, but probably because you are all praying for me. Six weeks ago when I first had spotting and I was on the way to the doctor's office, God told me "Olivia Faith," and at first I just thought that that would be the name that I would give the baby if it died (I have a different name in mind for our first living daughter), but since then I have realized that one meaning of Olivia is "peace" and perhaps he was telling me to be at peace and have faith. It's strange to me that I am so at peace right now, but maybe it shouldn't be. The Lord gives, and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

9w, 2d: Belly Book (interrupted)

This post was supposed to be a happy post about filling in my pregnancy book...

...but I think I jinxed myself by filling it in last night. I'm bleeding brown blood right now, not heavily, but it's definitely more than spotting. Please pray for Thumper. We have an ultrasound on Monday morning at 10:45 am to see if he or she is still alive.

9w, 1d: Wiggly baby!

I have to apologize right off the bat. I don't have a picture! I know I promised to come back with one, but I didn't, and I'll let you know why in my story. I'm gonna throw a picture on here of someone else's ultrasound (from babycenter.com!), with what the baby looked like (except less clear because the ultrasound machine at my Ob/Gyn's office is really that bad):

(Note: this is not my baby!)
Okay, story time. Today my appointment was with a different midwife than I've had before, Janna. She was nice, but a bit rushed, probably because she was running late and it was the end of the day! I don't think that anyone informed her about the ultrasound that was the entire point of the visit, which was part of our problem.

I went to my appointment with a very, VERY full bladder. The last time we had had an ultrasound they ended up having to use the vaginal probe because my bladder was so empty, and I was not about to let that happen this time. I also ate some cookies about an hour before the appointment, because I've heard that infuses the baby with sugar and helps get him/her moving around for the ultrasound. We were admitted by a nurse pretty quickly, and got my blood pressure (still pretty low at 90/58) and weight (88 lbs., so down 1.5 from the last visit). After the nurse left was awful. We waited for probably 20 minutes in the room, and all I could think about was my exploding bladder. It was probably worse just because I was thinking about it, but it was really driving me crazy!

After the 20 minute wait, Janna came in and introduced herself. She talked to me about the losing weight (which is probably because I'm eating less because I'm nauseous fairly often + spicy foods make me sick to my stomach), and instructed me to eat high fat content foods so that I would gain more weight! She also told me I could take some extra vitamin B6 (50mg) or try some ginger to help me with the nausea. And she said I should never stop eating all day long because that will help, too. How about that? Permission from a doctor to eat whatever I want, whenever I want?!? Woohoo! Jonathan is making it his personal mission to get me to eat more fatty things, which, of course, involves his eating more fatty things, since he won't make me eat alone! (Janna is probably his favorite midwife ever now.)

After "discussion time" Janna suggested that she try the doppler, since I'm so skinny she figured she might be able to hear something. It didn't work! (This was the only time during the appointment that I was actually nervous for!) It was probably a combination of their probe being only 2 Mhz (3 Mhz is supposed to be able to hear a heartbeat earlier) and the baby being in a turned around position (I've heard that even if they're facing backwards when you're this early, that can stop you from being able to hear it).

At this point, I realized that she probably was not thinking about doing an ultrasound, so I brought it up, since I really, really wanted this (especially after not being able to hear the heartbeat!). She acquiesed to my "demand" and brought in the dinosaur. She found the baby right away and it looked just like the picture up above - except that she was having a really hard time keeping the baby in the picture! I think he/she was moving around a lot, probably because I was shivering (it's cold here today!) and all of the sugar I infused him/her with. :) Hehe, whoops. We saw the baby and she pointed out the heartbeat, although I couldn't see it very well because I couldn't move even a centimeter without jiggling the baby off the screen... Then she promptly wiped me off and turned off the machine! I was in a state of shock - I really thought she was going to freeze the baby's picture and measure the heartbeat, which is what they did last time, and I didn't even get a second to ask for a picture! So no picture, folks. :( But now I know for next time that I am going to start the ultrasound by asking for a picture, and then if they forget I will not feel bad asking for it if they start to turn things off. Also, since our next ultrasound is the nuchal transluceny scan, that picture will probably be much clearer, any way.

I'm going to order a doppler sometime today or tomorrow, I hope, and I'm going to try to get one that I can record onto the computer with! I'm really looking forward to hearing our baby's heartbeat for the first time!

9w, 0d: one inch long!

Here is a picture of what Thumper should look like right about now... His/her tail is all gone and he/she is already moving around, with more muscles forming every day. Jonathan is finally admitting that the baby *may* be a girl, although he still thinks it's a boy. Everyone else I've talked to says girl, as do I!

Tomorrow at 4:15 pm is our 9 week ultrasound, after which point my nerves will be considerably relaxed. I'm actually looking forward to tomorrow, since this lovely morning sickness is leaving me much more reassured than at my past ultrasounds.

Also, if the appointment goes well tomorrow, I'm going to look into renting or buying a doppler. I found a new one on Ebay for $95, although I'm a little nervous to buy one without a prescription...

Stay tuned for a belly picture. Sorry about missing last week!

8w, 2d: Cape Cod!

Tomorrow we are heading out with four good friends to Cape Cod. Jonathan and I have never been there before (except maybe I have when I was little... but I don't remember it), so we're super excited! It was a very long week here at work, and I am quite happy to be getting an extended weekend.

I'm sticking close to bland foods right now, as anything that actually tastes good gives me intestinal issues. I need to find more things that I can eat throughout the day as mini-meals; I'm too starving by the time dinner roles around, which makes me exhausted and sick. So far, I'm thinking about peanut butter crackers and yogurt as possibilities... Although at this moment I actually just gagged thinking about those. My my, my stomach is certainly a testy thing right now!

6 days left until we get to see Thumper again! Keep that little heart thumping, sweet baby of mine. Mommy loves you.

Maxie, I miss you so much as Mother's Day is approaching! I keep wishing you were here for my first official Mother's Day. But I'm so happy to know you are safe and sound; it makes mommy's heart happy! Keep putting in a good word for Thumper, okay? Mommy needs a little baby down here with her. I love you, sweet boy!

8w, 1d: *#$%&)(*&#

That is about all I have to say about the fact that I am still editing biosketches and publications. Apparently some people are USELESS at their jobs. Mood swinging Abbie is NOT HAPPY.

In better news, 1 week until we see Thumper again!

7w, 6d: So tired, tired of editing, tired of editing for youuuuu.

Almost done. Supposedly I have in my e-mail inbox the last 5 biosketches we have to edit for this grant... And then I'll be done! I've got 1.5 of them completed, so just 3.5 more to go!

The dentist appointment went great yesterday, no gags even, although my gums bled like nobody's business. Since I haven't had x rays of my teeth for a few years now (pregnancies getting in the way of that this visit and the last), I'm supposed to put off my next visit to the dentist until after this baby is born. But everything looked fine to my hygienist.

Alright, I'm back to work now. I think that I'll be more interesting soon... sorry.

7w, 5d: Small scare, but I think we're okay.

Yesterday I had a teensy eensy weensy spot of brown blood. It scared me for the moment, but it hasn't happened again since. I think I did too much physical activity this weekend (as always). This morning, however, I have been quite ensured that the baby is still doing okay. Most people lose their morning sickness by 14 weeks...so only 6 more to go? Yikes.

I have a dentist appointment today and I'm a bit worried about throwing up on my hygienist. Should I cancel? I'm thinking I might be okay since I'm going to go about an hour after lunch - my stomach will hopefully not be raging like it does immediately after eating, and I'm usually a lot better in the afternoon rather than the morning. Well, I'm going to see how I do and if I can't deal with the whole hand in my mouth thing then I'll just leave, I guess.

Lots to do at work today, so I'm off.

7w, 2d: This is one tired mama

This is what I look like after a really long day at work:

I'm sure that one day Thumper will ask me why I would post such an embarrassing thing for everyone in the world to see, and my response will be that I was tired and it amused me.

Now to get some food in the belly before it goes on strike.

By the way, you should all drop by Brooke's site and tell her congratulations! After a year and a half of trying, God miraculously gave her and her husband a baby! She is due January 1.

UPDATE:
New look for May:


I promised bright, and I pulled through, eh?

7w, 0d: Busy bee

It's been a rough day at work, with tons to do. Thankfully, Thumper was pretty kind today on laying off the morning sickness, with the exception of lunchtime, which was awful. I think it's on its way back now, so hopefully I'll make it home okay on the shuttle... Yesterday was an unpleasant shuttle ride, to say the least.

Today baby is the size of a blueberry. Keep growing, little Thumper!

Peace out, kids. I'm 10 minutes and a shuttle ride away from food and sleep. Sweet!

Belly picture (the "real" 7 weeks):

6w, 6d: Morning sickness is kicking my butt.

This is a TMI post. Read at your own risk!

Wow, who knew that morning sickness could keep getting worse? I wonder how long this is going to keep worsening... Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Maybe 8-11 weeks (nice wide range there) when the hCG levels are supposed to start evening out/going down? I'm a little afraid to know what my future holds, since I'm currently barely keeping myself from puking all over my desk anytime I smell food of any kind (or anything else, really). This morning I woke up at 6 am with my husband (who had jury duty) and after I had gotten him out the door I spent 15 minutes dry heaving into the toilet. You know what? Dry heaving sucks because it hurts, but I actually think I like it better than throwing up - there's no nasty aftertaste when nothing comes out! Note to self: keep stomach empty before bed.

I'm not sure how much longer I'm going to be saying that I love morning sickness... But for now, I still do - every time that I get sicker I know that my little Thumper is growing bigger and stronger!

P.S. As of 8 am this morning I had no new May look for the blog, but now I do! Warning, it's quite bright! I hope it doesn't hurt your eyes, but I really like it. :)

Heartbeat of 146!!!

I had my first prenatal appointment this afternoon and prior to arriving I went to the bathroom. Then when I arrived at the appointment, they handed me a small cup for a urine sample (whoops, forgot about that), so I attempted to give them a sample... yeah, right.

After the attempted evacuation of my bladder, I was called into my room. I've gained 1.5 lbs. (up to 89.5), still measure 5'0" tall, and my blood pressure was surprisingly low at 88 over 60 (usually I'm more like 100 over 80). Do you want to know why it was so low? Because when I walked into the room, the nurse told me I would have a pap smear, a breast exam and A SCAN. Without. My. Husband. (Who wasn't there because I thought this would be a boring exam and who wants to watch someone else get a pap smear?) *Heart attack ensues.* Note to self: husband comes to every appointment from now on.

Once the nurse had left and I had changed into my lovely "open in front" gown, my midwife didn't come in for about 30 minutes... *Second heart attack ensues.* I decided to try to take a nap while I was waiting. (Yeah, right.) Eventually she came in, and told me that she figured that I would want to do the scan first, rather than waiting until the very end to do it. You betcha!

She tried abdominal first, but their scanner was about 25 years old and my bladder was *E-M-P-T-Y*. I don't think she's ever seen a pregnant woman with a more empty bladder. We could see the baby, but it was very far away and small and I don't think their scanner has a zoom function (yikes).

Of course the next step was the vaginal scan. I don't know why everyone always apologizes when they have to resort to this, because I don't mind it a bit and I don't think it feels all that uncomfortable... But maybe that's just me. My midwife found the baby easily on the vaginal scan, but she couldn't see the heartbeat (she was kind of older and probably doesn't have great eyes) even though I was pretty sure I could see it. *Commence breathing again.* She wanted to get one of the doctors to double check for her, since she said wasn't very good at using the scanner.

I waited a few more minutes and then an older Chinese woman doctor came in. She tried to let me move the wand, but I was useless at this, so she had to do it for me. She found the baby quickly and the heartbeat looked super slow, but then she moved it just a tad and voila! the heartbeat was quick! She thought it looked a bit slow, still, so she measured it, and it came out to 146, which she said was actually great (she was used to seeing heartbeats around 175-180, so compared to that, it looked slow to her). The baby looked much more formed than last Wednesday, with the head being clearly defined and much larger and a cute little tail at the other end. The picture that printed wasn't very good, so I didn't ask for a copy - they kept one, so I can always ask for one later if I really want it.

This is about what the baby looked like, but in black and white and a bit fuzzier:

After that was just the pap and the breast exam, which both were fine. I'm going back in 2.5 weeks for another scan (Thursday, May 14 at 4:15 pm), when I will be 9 weeks. This will reduce my chances of miscarriage, if there is a heartbeat then, down to 5%, and then my First Look is being scheduled for June 3 in the morning, and if the baby is doing well then, my miscarriage chances will be down to about null!

Hooray for God taking care of Thumper!

6w, 5d: First prenatal visit!

Today is my first prenatal visit, since I was supposed to be 8 weeks today. It should be a pretty boring appointment since the baby is too small to listen for a heartbeat via Doppler and I don't think they'll do a scan (that's supposed to be next Wednesday sometime). Basically, they'll check my insides (I think I'm due for a pap smear), my blood pressure and my weight, and make sure things are looking okay. I like boring appointments - they make me feel like things are progressing past the "scary" part of the pregnancy (hopefully they're progressing...).

I've been getting very sick over the past few days, which I love, except for the whole feeling very sick thing. But, seriously, I'll take this over no sickness! And we've progressed past just the morning sickness into all day sickness. Dinners are getting harder and harder to choke down and keep down. And most importantly, no spotting! I love that I have not had that since that episode a few weeks ago... With Max I spotted for WEEKS (and they never looked into it), and I love that there is something different about this pregnancy to keep my hope alive!

Work today should be pretty busy. We're into our competitive renewal for our center's core NIH grant, and I've been given a big chunk of data to collect and edit. I'm getting some pretty nasty carpal tunnel in my right arm especially, which is making all of this editing a bummer. Next step, wrist brace. :(

6w, 3d: Thumper's first portrait

I cannot believe that it's only been three days since we saw the baby! But we finally have proof now, and here it is:


And here's an anatomical picture for reference:

Our baby is mirrored to that image (just facing the opposite direction) and the black spot in the middle of him/her (near the head) is the beating heart. The black circle around the baby is the amniotic fluid inside of the gestational sac.

I love that little one so much! Isn't he/she cute! Btw, the scale on that picture is 3 mm between those two yellow dots (that means the baby was 3 mm long on Wednesday).

6w, 1d: Morning sickness... it's what the cool kids are doing!

I heart morning sickness. That's right, folks, you heard it. I almost threw up several times this morning, and while I was glad to keep my cereal down in the end, I am praying for this to happen over and over again and to keep getting worse! I can take it! I'll take anything for this baby.

By the way, we decided to call the baby "Thumper." (Not permanently, of course. Geez, he/she would hate us if we actually put that on the birth certificate.) As in, "I'm thumpin'! That's why they call me Thumper!" We want to encourage little Thumper to keep thumpin' away.

I got up my courage this morning to call the ultrasound place to ask them to send me a picture. (I HATE talking on the phone and I was so afraid that they would say "no can do.") They said they couldn't print it out on the nice carbon paper (I've heard that stuff fades over time anyway), but they could print it out on regular paper and send it to me! I was so happy... I know my biggest regret with Max was never getting a picture to hold onto, and I'm so happy to know that no matter what, I will have one of Thumper, too! Hooray! Look for that to be posted in the next few days, whenever it comes in the mail.

Okay, I'm in good spirits today and hopefully I will hold onto those for the next few weeks... I really appreciate your prayers, guys. I know Thumper is alive right now because of them!

6w, 0d: Resetting time...

Just got a call from my nurse and I want to get my thoughts out here so I can remember what she said.

My hCG didn't double from last week (8 days since my last quant), but they stop looking at hCG levels once they can see things on the ultrasound. So she said that wasn't so important. (Although I'm not convinced.) She didn't tell me the exact number.

Since my ultrasound measurement was more than a week away from where I thought I was, they will go with the ultrasound due date, because that is considered more accurate. That would make my new due date December 16. I will keep my OB intake appointment next Monday, but I will go back for a third ultrasound (just at my OB's office) at 8 weeks (two weeks from today), where they will look for a heartbeat. A heartbeat before 8 weeks still leaves you with a 15-20% miscarriage chance, but one at 8 weeks leaves you with a 5% chance - much better, obviously. But at least the baby's heartbeat this morning makes it be considered a real baby, rather than just a failed pregnancy.

I have implicit instructions to call if anything changes (i.e. bleeding or cramping), which along with the low hCG and way off measurements makes me think that this pregnancy is not headed in a great direction. But we'll see in two more weeks, I suppose... Hopefully this baby is the "Little Baby That Could."

I can't wait for the 12 week mark.

7w, 2d: The most beautiful picture

We had a heartbeat! The baby was 3 mm long and the technician told us I was 6 weeks (she wasn't specific as to whether that meant 6w, 0d or 6w, 5d or what). We didn't see a doctor (which I thought was odd), she wouldn't let us tape with our camcorder and she didn't print out a picture for us. So we have no proof, but we saw it with our own eyes! She even got it with just the abdominal scanner.

I was sick as a dog when I woke up this morning, so no breakfast yet for me. Maybe my stomach will calm down enough to eat a banana soon...

UPDATE:
I was a bit discouraged this morning that the baby seemed to be measuring a week behind, but guess what? I found a site online about Misdiagnosed Miscarriages that talks about how women with tilted uteruses often are told they are measuring a week or so behind during their first trimester, but at their 20 week ultrasound are caught up to where they should be... So I'm going to trust that I'm really 7w, 2d (because I know when I ovulated!) and we'll see later if the baby catches up...

7w, 1d: First nurse appointment and weekend update

I had my first appointment with my sweet nurse, Nicole, today. I guess she would have normally put this off for after the ultrasound tomorrow, but she forgot, and since I was already there, we decided just to do it.

We didn't discuss much because the ultrasound last week made me look earlier than I thought I was, so we can't be sure about dates yet. That means we couldn't discuss when the First Look would be scheduled for (especially since we're moving in early June) or when I was due, etc. They did take blood and urine for a CBC (blood count to check if I'm anemic), hCG levels (to clarify things tomorrow if they're not looking good), and urine analysis, to make sure I don't have any infections.

For the ultrasound tomorrow, she told me that they won't let me leave if it's bad news (Well, I actually know that they will eventually let me leave; they'll just want to talk to the on-call Ob/Gyn and set up an appointment first. Luckily, I have experience in these things already or I might have been worried!). That means that tomorrow morning, no news is probably not good news. If everything's fine, I expect to be at work by 8:30 or 8:45 at the latest (hopefully I don't say that and then get stuck in awful traffic tomorrow and then make you all worry if I don't post by 8:45 am!). If not, you'll know how to pray.

Now to catch up on the busy weekend.

Friday I stayed home from work because I woke up with a severe cramp in my lower back. That is usually a precursor to awful side cramps for me, so I thought the end was near, which is why I stayed home. It turned out that the back cramp never developed into anything worse and was gone by 10 am, which means it was probably a product of sleeping poorly or maybe even the new exercise program I started the night before (Pilates for Pregnancy - I was already doing Pilates for Non-Pregnancy before I switched over). I also had no spotting, so I don't think this was an attempted miscarriage gone awry. Anyhow, it ended up being a great day, especially since I thought it was going to be such an awful day!

Saturday was a nice day off... We woke up early (I have no idea why pregnancy makes me less sleepy, in that I sleep less hours.) and went to the grocery store early, and then I got to hang out with my awesome friend, Kate, who lives in NJ currently. We spent a few hours together and are planning a trip to Annapolis for sometime in June or July after we move down there!

Sunday was an amazing day. First, JOHN PIPER preached the sermon at my church. A. Maz. Ing. I've never heard him preach live before, and I almost missed out on that again (when we got to church 3 minutes late from our Sunday School class - gotta love those parents who DON'T PICK UP THEIR KIDS) because there weren't any seats left in the sanctuary that we could find! My sweet husband sent me up from the overflow room to try again, and I got a seat really close in the front right part of the sanctuary - it was perfect! After the service I got to shake his hand.... That was really cool. I was walking on cloud nine the rest of the day. I almost told him "I love you," when I shook his hand, but I stopped myself from looking like a freak and just said, "Thank you!" After service we had a cookout at Bill and Jen's house for life group and then got to discuss part of The Dangerous Duty of Delight - what a John Piper-filled day!

Like I said yesterday, Monday was a Massachusetts-made up holiday ("Patriot's Day"), so no work. Woohoo for the four day weekend! I actually slept until 10:30, which meant I skipped most of the morning sickness for the day, and had a relaxed day in which I read two books, one magazine, played half a game of Civ IV saw two episodes of Gilmore Girls, and the new 24 episode. Lovely, lazy day.

I didn't sleep perfectly last night, but I did pretty well considering that I thought I would be up all night worrying. I think I realized how quickly Wednesday was coming up (I really didn't think about it most of the weekend, just last night) and got a bit freaked out. But now I'm okay, I'm holding my breath again (not literally, just emotionally). I would swear from my pregnancy symptoms and their increasing intensity and frequency that I must still be pregnant, and getting more pregnant, but there's that doubt in my mind because even with Max I still felt pregnant the whole time he was gone. My hCG levels with him never went down until after the (induced) miscarriage, so I never got less pregnant. I won't get the hCG level from today back until after the ultrasound tomorrow, so I don't have that to look at.

Remember to pray for Stellan today, and if you want, please pray for me, too. I just want to have peace no matter what happens tomorrow, and I'm really trying to keep myself positive right now (which is hard for an avowed pessimist).

Stay with me, baby! You can do it!

7w, 0d: Belly picture

I promise I'll write more tomorrow. Actually, I shouldn't promise because who knows what work will be like, but I will try my hardest! We had a "fake" holiday today (Patriot's Day... only Massachusetts celebrates it), so no work today (and thus no blogging).

Week 7 symptoms: nausea (check), tender breasts (check), eating my weight in food each day (check)

Here's my 7 week belly pic: