"Hi, I'm calling to cancel my ultrasound appointment for January 20th at 9 am."
"Do you need to reschedule?"
"No." (I wish.)
It's almost Christmas break! It will be nice to be home with my family and away from this place where everything is associated with a memory of Max.
Rachel on Friends is pregnant right now. I guess they're having a Friends marathon on TBS because that's all that came out of the TV last night... Pregnancy tests, dating while pregnant, on and on... I am not a fan of that show right now.
At our office Christmas party on Wednesday night, I got stuck talking to one of two very pregnant women in the large amount of people that were milling around. She was upset about not having a girl, and then upset about not being able to drink.... I held it together, though, and only burst into tears later, when I had left.
I have been to my Ob/Gyn's office five times in the past 12 days. That is a lot of pregnant women in one place. Even the 40-50 year olds appear to be having fertility luck these days.
It's time for a break from pregnant women. Luckily, I don't think anyone at home is pregnant. Please, God? At least if they are, let them keep their mouth shut about it!
Friday, December 19, 2008
Thursday, December 18, 2008
FUP stands for "follow up"
Today was my follow up appointment for the miscarriage. Jonathan came with me because he is such a sweet, sweet husband.
It turns out that the "tissue sample" I brought in on Friday wasn't tissue at all, but blood clots - that means that I lost 3 lbs. of BLOOD on Thursday night, not a sac at all! I felt kind of ridiculous that I didn't realize that it wasn't a sac... But how should I have known? The doctor and I think that what I passed on Sunday (after teaching 3 years olds and walking around all day) must have been the sac, especially because of my huge HCG drop from Friday to Monday. Poor Max didn't even get cremated (incinerated), just flushed like a dead fish. I'm so sorry, Max, for not attending to your little sac!
They took more blood today to check my HCG levels again. My poor vein was having such a hard time staying up, since it's been attacked three times this past week already, but thankfully she got the needle in the first time. I noticed another STAT label on the test tube, so maybe I'll get a call with those tonight. I am so sick of the lab at my hospital! Thankfully, I have at least the next two weeks off from going there.
Somehow I feel better about things after today's appointment. Well, not better, certainly not happy, but not so much despair. I'm thankful that I won't need a D&C (the doctor didn't even think we needed to do an ultrasound, she was so confident from my HCG levels) and I'm thankful that we can try again without anything stopping us. It's also nice to know that I don't need to go back to my Ob/Gyn's office until the next time I am pregnant. Phew, I feel like God has taken a huge burden off my shoulders. Thank you, Lord.
I miss you, Max. I'm happy to know that you are happy right now. Your mommy loves you!
UPDATE: Hooray! HCG levels are down to 170 (from 674 on Monday), which my doctor says "is great!" At least my body can do something right!!! (Wow, that is a lot of exclamation points.)
It turns out that the "tissue sample" I brought in on Friday wasn't tissue at all, but blood clots - that means that I lost 3 lbs. of BLOOD on Thursday night, not a sac at all! I felt kind of ridiculous that I didn't realize that it wasn't a sac... But how should I have known? The doctor and I think that what I passed on Sunday (after teaching 3 years olds and walking around all day) must have been the sac, especially because of my huge HCG drop from Friday to Monday. Poor Max didn't even get cremated (incinerated), just flushed like a dead fish. I'm so sorry, Max, for not attending to your little sac!
They took more blood today to check my HCG levels again. My poor vein was having such a hard time staying up, since it's been attacked three times this past week already, but thankfully she got the needle in the first time. I noticed another STAT label on the test tube, so maybe I'll get a call with those tonight. I am so sick of the lab at my hospital! Thankfully, I have at least the next two weeks off from going there.
Somehow I feel better about things after today's appointment. Well, not better, certainly not happy, but not so much despair. I'm thankful that I won't need a D&C (the doctor didn't even think we needed to do an ultrasound, she was so confident from my HCG levels) and I'm thankful that we can try again without anything stopping us. It's also nice to know that I don't need to go back to my Ob/Gyn's office until the next time I am pregnant. Phew, I feel like God has taken a huge burden off my shoulders. Thank you, Lord.
I miss you, Max. I'm happy to know that you are happy right now. Your mommy loves you!
UPDATE: Hooray! HCG levels are down to 170 (from 674 on Monday), which my doctor says "is great!" At least my body can do something right!!! (Wow, that is a lot of exclamation points.)
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
For Mothers Only
This is a poem that my grandmother wrote out for my mother, for her first miscarriage, my sister Ashley, and my mom passed it on to me. What a sad, but powerful tradition.Here is the text of the poem (which I have changed to be for a boy):
There is a very wee boy, who won't grow up at all.
Did your angel bear him gently, God, because he was so small?
I wondered that you bothered, its such a long, long way
From heaven to a Mother's heart, and not to let him stay.
A lifetime is so little, when it's only for a day.
Excuse the tears and pleading and bitterness I've shown,
I really did not understand that he was just a loan.
I forgot in all the sweetness and joy from day to day,
The little clothes preparing while he was on his way.
Somehow I never really thought he'd have so short a stay.
What sort of baby is he, God? I'm sure he is very good,
But if he cries, perhaps it's just the little blueish hood.
We dressed him pretty warmly to go so far away.
And I knew where he was going, he'd be longer than a day.
So, God, if you're not busy from the cares we give down here,
Will you please take just a minute to whisper in his ear
That I love him very dearly, that I'm glad he came my way,
That I close my eyes and see him.... Ah, God, just say
That I'm glad I was his mother, though it was just for a day.
Why, oh why, am I not still pregnant?
I think my body is beginning to forget that I was ever pregnant. My breasts are dwindling away to their former (very small) size, the bloating that made me feel pregnant even since week 4 has disappeared (I can zip and button my pants now, even while sitting down.), my ravenous hunger has completely eroded (I am back to my normal schedule of eating every 4-5 hours and not needing snacks.). Even the cramping that I've had over the past few days, reminding me that my body is expelling my child, has diminished. I feel like I am physically back to normal. Will I ever feel normal emotionally?
Why do people think that another baby will replace this one? I think someone has even said to me, "Maybe it'll be twins next time!" How does that help? Why would two babies make up for losing one? It just won't. When June rolls around, I will not feel better about losing the baby that would have been born then, even if I have another baby to expect. I think people just don't want to deal with my grief.
I'm afraid to be pregnant again. How do I know that the next pregnancy won't end the exact same way? Doctors don't do anything after your first miscarriage to make sure you won't have a second. Sometimes they won't even do anything until after your third miscarriage! How could they force parents to go through this three times? I can't imagine that kind of pain, and still wanting to try after having so many losses.
This is what our baby should have looked like last week: http://mandiefrazier.blogspot.com/2008/03/oh-boy-maybe.html
Why is he gone? I want my baby back. I should have been given pictures last week, not pills.
Why do people think that another baby will replace this one? I think someone has even said to me, "Maybe it'll be twins next time!" How does that help? Why would two babies make up for losing one? It just won't. When June rolls around, I will not feel better about losing the baby that would have been born then, even if I have another baby to expect. I think people just don't want to deal with my grief.
I'm afraid to be pregnant again. How do I know that the next pregnancy won't end the exact same way? Doctors don't do anything after your first miscarriage to make sure you won't have a second. Sometimes they won't even do anything until after your third miscarriage! How could they force parents to go through this three times? I can't imagine that kind of pain, and still wanting to try after having so many losses.
This is what our baby should have looked like last week: http://mandiefrazier.blogspot.com/2008/03/oh-boy-maybe.html
Why is he gone? I want my baby back. I should have been given pictures last week, not pills.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
A Letter to My Son
Dear Max,
What can a mother say to the baby boy that she will never hold?
First of all, I miss you so much. From the moment we found out that you were no longer with us on earth, my heart broke into a thousand pieces. I will never completely heal from that break, and I know that I will always miss you, always wonder who you would have been and what you would have looked like. I miss not getting to hold you for the first time, I miss your first smile, your first day of kindergarten, your wedding, but mostly just YOU. Even though I only held you in my body for a few short weeks, you are my sweet baby boy, the one I will always long for.
Second, I am so sorry if it was my body that let you down in some way. I can't bear the thought that it might have been my fault that you died - it's tearing me to pieces. My only comfort is that your days were numbered by God, and that it was in His will and plan that your life would be so short. But I am sorry if I failed you in the short time that I was your mother.
Third, you are so precious to me. Even though I am sad right now, your life was such a blessing, and you gave your father and me so much joy and hope. You were wanted and longed for, and still are, and you will never be considered a mistake or an accident or a fluke. Even though I don't get to keep you as my child here on earth, every second of your life was worthwhile and good.
In the midst of my pain, I am so glad for some things. Most of all, I am glad that you are with Jesus. He loves little children and is a much better parent than your father or I ever could have been, so I am so glad that you are with Him, since you cannot be with us. I am also so thankful that you now have a perfect body. The doctors tell me that you probably had a problem that you never could have lived with on earth, and I am glad that you died before you even had a chance to experience pain. I am also exceedingly thankful that you will never experience sorrow. Your too-short life has given me my first truly broken heart, and I thank God over and over that you will never have to feel what that feels like. You get to walk in the presence of the Almighty God, and I cannot imagine the joy that you have right now.
I don't know what heaven's like, but I want you to find your two great-grandpas and your aunts and uncles, and make sure they give you plenty of hugs while I'm not there to give them to you. Grandpa Chuck is one of the best men that I ever knew, and I know he must be so happy to get to meet you. I can't wait to join you, little Max; I know that one day we will be together again, and my body and spirit truly are aching for that day.
I love you, Max, forever and ever and always.
Your mommy
What can a mother say to the baby boy that she will never hold?
First of all, I miss you so much. From the moment we found out that you were no longer with us on earth, my heart broke into a thousand pieces. I will never completely heal from that break, and I know that I will always miss you, always wonder who you would have been and what you would have looked like. I miss not getting to hold you for the first time, I miss your first smile, your first day of kindergarten, your wedding, but mostly just YOU. Even though I only held you in my body for a few short weeks, you are my sweet baby boy, the one I will always long for.
Second, I am so sorry if it was my body that let you down in some way. I can't bear the thought that it might have been my fault that you died - it's tearing me to pieces. My only comfort is that your days were numbered by God, and that it was in His will and plan that your life would be so short. But I am sorry if I failed you in the short time that I was your mother.
Third, you are so precious to me. Even though I am sad right now, your life was such a blessing, and you gave your father and me so much joy and hope. You were wanted and longed for, and still are, and you will never be considered a mistake or an accident or a fluke. Even though I don't get to keep you as my child here on earth, every second of your life was worthwhile and good.
In the midst of my pain, I am so glad for some things. Most of all, I am glad that you are with Jesus. He loves little children and is a much better parent than your father or I ever could have been, so I am so glad that you are with Him, since you cannot be with us. I am also so thankful that you now have a perfect body. The doctors tell me that you probably had a problem that you never could have lived with on earth, and I am glad that you died before you even had a chance to experience pain. I am also exceedingly thankful that you will never experience sorrow. Your too-short life has given me my first truly broken heart, and I thank God over and over that you will never have to feel what that feels like. You get to walk in the presence of the Almighty God, and I cannot imagine the joy that you have right now.
I don't know what heaven's like, but I want you to find your two great-grandpas and your aunts and uncles, and make sure they give you plenty of hugs while I'm not there to give them to you. Grandpa Chuck is one of the best men that I ever knew, and I know he must be so happy to get to meet you. I can't wait to join you, little Max; I know that one day we will be together again, and my body and spirit truly are aching for that day.
I love you, Max, forever and ever and always.
Your mommy
Tuesdays
Today is Tuesday. Tuesday is the day on which I should be one week closer to holding my baby. But I am no longer pregnant, so I can't say that we hit 13 weeks today, one week away from the end of the dreaded first trimester. I can't say that we have only 5 more weeks until we can know if our baby is a boy or girl. I don't even know what fruit my baby would be the size of this week.
It was a Tuesday that I had my first spot of red blood, and perhaps was the day that my baby died.
It was last Tuesday at this time in the morning that we saw not a squirming, kicking baby, but an empty sac.
I hate Tuesdays.
So, Lord, I need you to redeem Tuesdays. I'm going to start my healing today by telling you all that I named our baby Max Samuel, Max because that is the name that I heard last Saturday when I fell down the stairs and I worried that my baby might have died, and Samuel, "Because I asked the LORD for him." (I Samuel 1:20) May I cry out to God like Hannah, who did not become bitter, but gave her first born son to the Lord, even after many years of a closed womb. She is my new hero. How she did that, I will never understand.
I love you, my Max.
UPDATE:
I forgot to tell my sweet husband "happy one and a half year anniversary" yesterday. I miss him so much (he's out of town for an interview, currently).
Jonny, I love you. You are everything that is good about life. I'm so thankful that you are there to make me laugh, and that you hardly ever make me cry. Losing a baby stinks, but I wouldn't want to do it with anyone else by my side. I love you forever and ever, my darling.
UPDATE #2:
This is a great post by Mandie Lane, who had two miscarriages before going on to have a beautiful baby boy: http://mandiefrazier.blogspot.com/2007/10/things-not-to-say-to-me.html
It was a Tuesday that I had my first spot of red blood, and perhaps was the day that my baby died.
It was last Tuesday at this time in the morning that we saw not a squirming, kicking baby, but an empty sac.
I hate Tuesdays.
So, Lord, I need you to redeem Tuesdays. I'm going to start my healing today by telling you all that I named our baby Max Samuel, Max because that is the name that I heard last Saturday when I fell down the stairs and I worried that my baby might have died, and Samuel, "Because I asked the LORD for him." (I Samuel 1:20) May I cry out to God like Hannah, who did not become bitter, but gave her first born son to the Lord, even after many years of a closed womb. She is my new hero. How she did that, I will never understand.
I love you, my Max.
UPDATE:
I forgot to tell my sweet husband "happy one and a half year anniversary" yesterday. I miss him so much (he's out of town for an interview, currently).
Jonny, I love you. You are everything that is good about life. I'm so thankful that you are there to make me laugh, and that you hardly ever make me cry. Losing a baby stinks, but I wouldn't want to do it with anyone else by my side. I love you forever and ever, my darling.
UPDATE #2:
This is a great post by Mandie Lane, who had two miscarriages before going on to have a beautiful baby boy: http://mandiefrazier.blogspot.com/2007/10/things-not-to-say-to-me.html
Monday, December 15, 2008
Returning to normal.... if there is such a thing.
Well, I'm back to temping again. For those of you who haven't ever tried to get pregnant with charting (yep, that's probably most of you, if not all), that means that I get up every morning at the same time and take my "basal body temperature," or BBT, which is the temperature that your body is after sleeping for several hours, your resting body temperature, if you will. It also includes watching your body for other fertility signs. With women, their BBT changes throughout their cycle because of the various hormones in their body, estrogen being dominant during your period and before you ovulate, and progesterone taking over after you ovulate and during pregnancy. The cyst in my left ovary continued to make progesterone after my baby died, thus continuing the pregnancy and preventing my body from restarting a cycle.
The good news is that my basal body temperature was down this morning from the ~98.7 that it was during pregnancy and that it still was on Saturday, even though I had miscarried, to 97.9 degrees! That means I am well on my way towards my 97.5-ish that I normally am before ovulating. I also really hope that means that my HCG levels have dropped considerably and that I will soon be "not pregnant" to my body. I mean, come on, Body, the rest of the world has figured this out. Why can't you?
I am charting now because charting reveals a lot about your body's hormones and whether your cycles are normal or still "off" because of birth control pills, vitamin shortage, hormone levels, etc. It will help us to know when I am fertile (so we can avoid conceiving for the next two cycles) and may give us valuable information about why I am not fertile, if that happens for some reason.
By the way, I would just like to point out that I lost three pounds on Thursday night (not since Thursday night, ON Thursday night). Dude, that is a lot of blood/gestational sac. No wonder I almost died on Friday after walking around for a few hours.
I really miss my baby. I wish I knew for sure if he/she was a boy or girl, so that I could name him/her appropriately. I almost want to call my Ob/Gyn and beg them to test the tissue and find out. Can I do that? Maybe I will ask them on Thursday if they can do it.
UPDATE:
They can't karyotype the tissue, because they would have needed to preserve it a different way. But, they did take my HCG levels again today, so they can tell me Thursday if they're going down or not. I officially declare this baby to have been a boy (sorry, baby, if you are actually a girl, but mommy needs to picture someone, not some genderless thing), and I'm going to name him if Jonathan doesn't mind. I'll let you know later what I pick.
UPDATE #2:
My HCG levels are down from Friday at 4800 to today at 674. Praise be to God, and please pray that they keep dropping!
The good news is that my basal body temperature was down this morning from the ~98.7 that it was during pregnancy and that it still was on Saturday, even though I had miscarried, to 97.9 degrees! That means I am well on my way towards my 97.5-ish that I normally am before ovulating. I also really hope that means that my HCG levels have dropped considerably and that I will soon be "not pregnant" to my body. I mean, come on, Body, the rest of the world has figured this out. Why can't you?
I am charting now because charting reveals a lot about your body's hormones and whether your cycles are normal or still "off" because of birth control pills, vitamin shortage, hormone levels, etc. It will help us to know when I am fertile (so we can avoid conceiving for the next two cycles) and may give us valuable information about why I am not fertile, if that happens for some reason.
By the way, I would just like to point out that I lost three pounds on Thursday night (not since Thursday night, ON Thursday night). Dude, that is a lot of blood/gestational sac. No wonder I almost died on Friday after walking around for a few hours.
I really miss my baby. I wish I knew for sure if he/she was a boy or girl, so that I could name him/her appropriately. I almost want to call my Ob/Gyn and beg them to test the tissue and find out. Can I do that? Maybe I will ask them on Thursday if they can do it.
UPDATE:
They can't karyotype the tissue, because they would have needed to preserve it a different way. But, they did take my HCG levels again today, so they can tell me Thursday if they're going down or not. I officially declare this baby to have been a boy (sorry, baby, if you are actually a girl, but mommy needs to picture someone, not some genderless thing), and I'm going to name him if Jonathan doesn't mind. I'll let you know later what I pick.
UPDATE #2:
My HCG levels are down from Friday at 4800 to today at 674. Praise be to God, and please pray that they keep dropping!
Friday, December 12, 2008
For those of you who want an update, but didn't care to read the last post.
The miscarriage went fine. I think everything passed, and there were only short periods of time with pain before my percocet kicked in.
I went to the Ob/Gyn's office this afternoon with the tissue I had collected, and I have an appointment for next Thursday at 11:30 am. They will check my HCG levels to make sure they are going down (we got a base reading today) and also maybe an ultrasound to see if everything made it out of my uterus or not. Everybody pray that everything will have passed by then! I do NOT want surgery, especially the day before Christmas break!
I went to the Ob/Gyn's office this afternoon with the tissue I had collected, and I have an appointment for next Thursday at 11:30 am. They will check my HCG levels to make sure they are going down (we got a base reading today) and also maybe an ultrasound to see if everything made it out of my uterus or not. Everybody pray that everything will have passed by then! I do NOT want surgery, especially the day before Christmas break!
My Experience with a Cytotec (Misoprostol) Miscarriage
Dear friends and family,
You are welcome to read this post, but I am posting it more for people who may be about to go through a medical miscarriage with the use of Cytotec, because I couldn't find many people's experiences when I was searching online. I will warn you that I'm not going to mince my words, and this is certainly not material for anyone under the age of 18.
Love you all,
Abbie
_______________________________
Before taking the pills, I had a very large lunch with a lot of protein and vegetables, drank a lot of water, and also took a prenatal vitamin. I lost a lot of blood during the miscarriage, and I think that the food and extra iron in my system was helpful towards not fainting. Plus, the Cytotec does create nausea, so I wasn't able to eat a whole lot later. I also took two Advil at this point (my doctor recommended an hour before placing the Cytotec), to help lower the pain of the initial cramping.
Yesterday at 1:50 pm, I inserted the 4 tablets of Misoprostol into the posterier fornix of my vagina. Emotionally, this was difficult to do, but not physically. I say it was difficult emotionally because this felt very much like an elective abortion (as if I was choosing to get rid of my baby), but of course it was not. Our baby died long enough ago that we couldn't even find a body on the ultrasound.
By 2:30, the cramping began. The instructions said it would probably take 2-4 hours to begin, but I think they might have meant "the cramping that will make you want to die" starts in 2-4 hours. The cramps started as very harmless cramps - they felt like the lightest ones I have before my period is going to start.
By 3:30, I was extremely nauseous and had bad gas that was causing the cramps to hurt a bit more. The nausea was very different from pregnancy nausea - I knew when to expect my pregnancy nausea because I was near a bad smell or brushing my teeth near the back of my mouth, but this was more of a spontaneous spasm of your stomach which I thought might cause me to throw up (although I never did). At this point I started using a heating pad, although it would have been nice to have two - one for my back and one for my stomach. A hot water bottle actually might have been better for this, since my heating pad just wouldn't stay on long enough and I kept having to unplug it to get it to come back on again.
By 4:00 pm, the cramps were at the level that I normally experience as the worst cramps during my period. They will get worse. I recommend at this point that you take the prescribed painkiller. My doctor gave me three doses of percocet, which took about an hour to kick in in my case. I waited far too long to take the percocet. Take the percocet before it gets too bad!
By 5:00 pm, I truly felt as if I was going to die from the cramps, backache, nausea and gas that were all causing severe amounts of pain. I imagine this is what labor feels like. In this case, there is no baby for you to worry about a painkiller's effect, so please, please take your prescribed painkiller when you reach this point, if not earlier. This is when I took mine, and then I passed out from the pain.
At 5:30, the percocet began to kick in slowly: I still felt the cramps, but my mind was like, "Who cares! This is fun! Everything's funny!" I think that the percocet hit my brain before the rest of my body. :) This is when I got up and started moving around. Moving around makes the bleeding begin and the miscarriage happen faster, so I highly recommend moving around if you can. At this point I was able to eat dinner without feeling too nauseous, and if you want to eat, I recommend doing it before the bleeding begins.
6:00 is when my bleeding started. It trickled for about 2 minutes and then whoooooosh. An extremely full pad in about 15 minutes. At 6:15 I felt as if I was going to pass out, so I got up to go to the bathroom and see if I needed to check my pad (oh yeah I did), and that is when blood clots began to come out. Because the percocet had kicked in by this time, I felt no pain during this. I don't know if it's normally painful or not. I also realized that the cramps were very good, because they did all of the work for me. I didn't have to push, I just had to catch what was coming out (for my doctor to do testing on it). I *thought* that the miscarriage was over by 6:30, cleaned up, and headed back to the couch to watch Rocky.
6:45: Oops, I was wrong. Two more really large blood clots fell out into my pad. I went back to the bathroom and sat and waited for about 20 minutes, during which my body expelled many more blood clots. I caught a few more, bagged them (I thought these were pieces of the sac!), and let the rest go down the drain. I cleaned up again and headed back to the couch.
7:15: At this point, I could actually tell when things were coming. I was able to get up and walk to the bathroom before my body expelled more clots. I also stopped collecting things, since I thought they had enough material. I continued to lose large clots until 9:30 pm (plus one at 5:00 this morning)!
9:30: Most of the clots were gone by this point, but I was extremely faint from blood loss. I kept myself drinking plenty of water (actually, juice might be better to help keep your blood sugar levels up) and laid down with my feet above my head.
11:00 The intense cramping returned. Time for a second percocet! Most of my bleeding was done by this point in time. I was able to fall asleep when the medicine kicked in. Jonathan set his alarm to wake us up every few hours, just to make sure I had stopped losing large amounts of blood and wasn't in trouble.
This morning I passed a few small clots, but since the cramping had basically stopped, I had to push these out myself. This is a difficult concept for someone who hasn't been in labor before, and I had quite a hard time figuring out how to get them out. But I think most everything is gone by now! The bleeding is very, very light, and except for the lightheadedness from blood loss, I feel pretty good.
***Note: I updated this post to be more accurate. I accidentally collected blood clots, which are useless for testing, since they were made of my own blood. The majority of what you will pass during a Cytotec miscarriage are clots (which are large, perhaps as long as 6", and dark red, don't be confused by their size, these are not pieces of your sac!), and you may or may not pass your gestational sac at this time (which is a white/grayish ball). Mine didn't come out until Sunday, three days post-Cytotec.
UPDATE: If you are reading this post because you are about to use cytotec for a medical miscarriage, please do leave a comment. I would love to know who you are and what your story is - I know there are many, many people who find my site by searching for "experience with cytotec" or something similar, and my heart hurts so much knowing that you may be alone while you are going through this. Even if you leave an anonymous comment, at least I can use that to pray more specifically for you!
You are welcome to read this post, but I am posting it more for people who may be about to go through a medical miscarriage with the use of Cytotec, because I couldn't find many people's experiences when I was searching online. I will warn you that I'm not going to mince my words, and this is certainly not material for anyone under the age of 18.
Love you all,
Abbie
_______________________________
Before taking the pills, I had a very large lunch with a lot of protein and vegetables, drank a lot of water, and also took a prenatal vitamin. I lost a lot of blood during the miscarriage, and I think that the food and extra iron in my system was helpful towards not fainting. Plus, the Cytotec does create nausea, so I wasn't able to eat a whole lot later. I also took two Advil at this point (my doctor recommended an hour before placing the Cytotec), to help lower the pain of the initial cramping.
Yesterday at 1:50 pm, I inserted the 4 tablets of Misoprostol into the posterier fornix of my vagina. Emotionally, this was difficult to do, but not physically. I say it was difficult emotionally because this felt very much like an elective abortion (as if I was choosing to get rid of my baby), but of course it was not. Our baby died long enough ago that we couldn't even find a body on the ultrasound.
By 2:30, the cramping began. The instructions said it would probably take 2-4 hours to begin, but I think they might have meant "the cramping that will make you want to die" starts in 2-4 hours. The cramps started as very harmless cramps - they felt like the lightest ones I have before my period is going to start.
By 3:30, I was extremely nauseous and had bad gas that was causing the cramps to hurt a bit more. The nausea was very different from pregnancy nausea - I knew when to expect my pregnancy nausea because I was near a bad smell or brushing my teeth near the back of my mouth, but this was more of a spontaneous spasm of your stomach which I thought might cause me to throw up (although I never did). At this point I started using a heating pad, although it would have been nice to have two - one for my back and one for my stomach. A hot water bottle actually might have been better for this, since my heating pad just wouldn't stay on long enough and I kept having to unplug it to get it to come back on again.
By 4:00 pm, the cramps were at the level that I normally experience as the worst cramps during my period. They will get worse. I recommend at this point that you take the prescribed painkiller. My doctor gave me three doses of percocet, which took about an hour to kick in in my case. I waited far too long to take the percocet. Take the percocet before it gets too bad!
By 5:00 pm, I truly felt as if I was going to die from the cramps, backache, nausea and gas that were all causing severe amounts of pain. I imagine this is what labor feels like. In this case, there is no baby for you to worry about a painkiller's effect, so please, please take your prescribed painkiller when you reach this point, if not earlier. This is when I took mine, and then I passed out from the pain.
At 5:30, the percocet began to kick in slowly: I still felt the cramps, but my mind was like, "Who cares! This is fun! Everything's funny!" I think that the percocet hit my brain before the rest of my body. :) This is when I got up and started moving around. Moving around makes the bleeding begin and the miscarriage happen faster, so I highly recommend moving around if you can. At this point I was able to eat dinner without feeling too nauseous, and if you want to eat, I recommend doing it before the bleeding begins.
6:00 is when my bleeding started. It trickled for about 2 minutes and then whoooooosh. An extremely full pad in about 15 minutes. At 6:15 I felt as if I was going to pass out, so I got up to go to the bathroom and see if I needed to check my pad (oh yeah I did), and that is when blood clots began to come out. Because the percocet had kicked in by this time, I felt no pain during this. I don't know if it's normally painful or not. I also realized that the cramps were very good, because they did all of the work for me. I didn't have to push, I just had to catch what was coming out (for my doctor to do testing on it). I *thought* that the miscarriage was over by 6:30, cleaned up, and headed back to the couch to watch Rocky.
6:45: Oops, I was wrong. Two more really large blood clots fell out into my pad. I went back to the bathroom and sat and waited for about 20 minutes, during which my body expelled many more blood clots. I caught a few more, bagged them (I thought these were pieces of the sac!), and let the rest go down the drain. I cleaned up again and headed back to the couch.
7:15: At this point, I could actually tell when things were coming. I was able to get up and walk to the bathroom before my body expelled more clots. I also stopped collecting things, since I thought they had enough material. I continued to lose large clots until 9:30 pm (plus one at 5:00 this morning)!
9:30: Most of the clots were gone by this point, but I was extremely faint from blood loss. I kept myself drinking plenty of water (actually, juice might be better to help keep your blood sugar levels up) and laid down with my feet above my head.
11:00 The intense cramping returned. Time for a second percocet! Most of my bleeding was done by this point in time. I was able to fall asleep when the medicine kicked in. Jonathan set his alarm to wake us up every few hours, just to make sure I had stopped losing large amounts of blood and wasn't in trouble.
This morning I passed a few small clots, but since the cramping had basically stopped, I had to push these out myself. This is a difficult concept for someone who hasn't been in labor before, and I had quite a hard time figuring out how to get them out. But I think most everything is gone by now! The bleeding is very, very light, and except for the lightheadedness from blood loss, I feel pretty good.
***Note: I updated this post to be more accurate. I accidentally collected blood clots, which are useless for testing, since they were made of my own blood. The majority of what you will pass during a Cytotec miscarriage are clots (which are large, perhaps as long as 6", and dark red, don't be confused by their size, these are not pieces of your sac!), and you may or may not pass your gestational sac at this time (which is a white/grayish ball). Mine didn't come out until Sunday, three days post-Cytotec.
UPDATE: If you are reading this post because you are about to use cytotec for a medical miscarriage, please do leave a comment. I would love to know who you are and what your story is - I know there are many, many people who find my site by searching for "experience with cytotec" or something similar, and my heart hurts so much knowing that you may be alone while you are going through this. Even if you leave an anonymous comment, at least I can use that to pray more specifically for you!
Thursday, December 11, 2008
New title, new look
Do you like it? Eventually I want to figure out how to do the layout myself, but I can't do it right now.
Oh, Christmas. Why do you have to be so soon?
Oh, Christmas. Why do you have to be so soon?
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Medical Management
The doctor helped us today determine what our next steps will be. There are three types of management for a missed abortion:
1. Expectant: waiting for the miscarriage to naturally occur
2. Medical: using Cytotec to induce a miscarriage
3. Surgical: Dilation and Curretage (D&C) to surgically remove the pregnancy remnants
They all have the same risks, except that surgical has some extra risks over the other two (scarring and possible puncturing of nearby organs), the common risks of the three being hemorrhaging and failure to complete.
Since we have been technically in the expectant management stage for a minimum of four weeks (perhaps as long as six), we were both pretty ready to move past that stage and create a miscarriage medically. Also, since we are planning to travel next Friday, we would both like this to be over with by then. So, we received instructions on a medical abortion. Actually, we received the same instructions as someone who did not want their fetus and was aborting it, with a few lines crossed out by the doctor with the instructions on how to medically kill a fetus (since ours is long dead and not even present). Basically, 800 mg Cytotec (normally an ulcer medication) is *ahem* taken vaginally and then the miscarriage should happen over the next 24 hours. I will take mine at 1 pm tomorrow, to safely fit within Jonathan's schedule, since he will need to be present in case of a hemorrhaging episode and has a meeting at 11 am tomorrow and 1 pm on Friday. If nothing occurs within 24 hours, or if I continue to hemorrhage at that point, we have to go in to get the D&C anyway.
The cyst on my left ovary is probably what is keeping the pregnancy alive, and will probably go away after the miscarriage. But, they will watch it, and I have to go back in three months time to make sure it isn't something else.
You can be praying for us from tomorrow (Thursday) at 1 pm until Friday at 1 pm. This really, really sucks. But I hope it works the first time, because I don't really want surgery on top of everything else.
Oh, the really good news (is there really good news?) is that since the baby didn't develop too far we only have to wait for two cycles after this whole mess, and then we can try again.
1. Expectant: waiting for the miscarriage to naturally occur
2. Medical: using Cytotec to induce a miscarriage
3. Surgical: Dilation and Curretage (D&C) to surgically remove the pregnancy remnants
They all have the same risks, except that surgical has some extra risks over the other two (scarring and possible puncturing of nearby organs), the common risks of the three being hemorrhaging and failure to complete.
Since we have been technically in the expectant management stage for a minimum of four weeks (perhaps as long as six), we were both pretty ready to move past that stage and create a miscarriage medically. Also, since we are planning to travel next Friday, we would both like this to be over with by then. So, we received instructions on a medical abortion. Actually, we received the same instructions as someone who did not want their fetus and was aborting it, with a few lines crossed out by the doctor with the instructions on how to medically kill a fetus (since ours is long dead and not even present). Basically, 800 mg Cytotec (normally an ulcer medication) is *ahem* taken vaginally and then the miscarriage should happen over the next 24 hours. I will take mine at 1 pm tomorrow, to safely fit within Jonathan's schedule, since he will need to be present in case of a hemorrhaging episode and has a meeting at 11 am tomorrow and 1 pm on Friday. If nothing occurs within 24 hours, or if I continue to hemorrhage at that point, we have to go in to get the D&C anyway.
The cyst on my left ovary is probably what is keeping the pregnancy alive, and will probably go away after the miscarriage. But, they will watch it, and I have to go back in three months time to make sure it isn't something else.
You can be praying for us from tomorrow (Thursday) at 1 pm until Friday at 1 pm. This really, really sucks. But I hope it works the first time, because I don't really want surgery on top of everything else.
Oh, the really good news (is there really good news?) is that since the baby didn't develop too far we only have to wait for two cycles after this whole mess, and then we can try again.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
0w, 0d: No baby = missed abortion
Hi, all,
Sorry to deliver this electronically, but I just don't feel like talking to people right now.
Baby Burnham died sometime a while ago, they think around six weeks. We went into for the Nuchal Translucency Screening today (to check for Down's Syndrome and other chromosomal problems) and when the technician turned on the ultrasound, there was a big sac, but nothing in it. She didn't talk to us for a while and looked around fervently, but there was nothing there. The sac and amniotic fluid were measuring on par for 12 weeks, but no baby, so somehow my body has been tricked into thinking it is still pregnant (thus the pregnancy symptoms that I still have). They call this a missed abortion, since my body has obviously not aborted the pregnancy that has terminated. I also have a cyst on my left ovary, about 2.6 x 2.1 x 1.4 cm, I'm not really sure what that is, they didn't explain it, but I am going to my Ob/Gyn office tomorrow at noon, and I think that they will explain more of what might have happened and go over what our options are.
That's really all the information we have - there's no baby, there probably hasn't been for six weeks. I'm glad I didn't tell very many people now.
We're okay, just taking today off to process the news. Thanks for your prayers and thoughts.
Love,
Abbie
Sorry to deliver this electronically, but I just don't feel like talking to people right now.
Baby Burnham died sometime a while ago, they think around six weeks. We went into for the Nuchal Translucency Screening today (to check for Down's Syndrome and other chromosomal problems) and when the technician turned on the ultrasound, there was a big sac, but nothing in it. She didn't talk to us for a while and looked around fervently, but there was nothing there. The sac and amniotic fluid were measuring on par for 12 weeks, but no baby, so somehow my body has been tricked into thinking it is still pregnant (thus the pregnancy symptoms that I still have). They call this a missed abortion, since my body has obviously not aborted the pregnancy that has terminated. I also have a cyst on my left ovary, about 2.6 x 2.1 x 1.4 cm, I'm not really sure what that is, they didn't explain it, but I am going to my Ob/Gyn office tomorrow at noon, and I think that they will explain more of what might have happened and go over what our options are.
That's really all the information we have - there's no baby, there probably hasn't been for six weeks. I'm glad I didn't tell very many people now.
We're okay, just taking today off to process the news. Thanks for your prayers and thoughts.
Love,
Abbie
Monday, December 8, 2008
11w, 6d: Falling down
Ouch. I slipped down the stairs on Saturday morning, effectively waking everyone up with my loud crash and crying. Thankfully, I think the baby is okay - I've had no bleeding or cramping at all since then, and I fell on my back, not my stomach at all - although I am still a bit sore at the spot on my back where I hit.
Today we get to hear the baby's heartbeat for the first time! Thankfully, my symptoms have done some major increasing over the past week, so I am extremely optimistic for this appointment, and only about 10% worried. But then again, I am such a worrywart that it would be odd for me to not be worried, especially after taking a spill. Ugh, why am I such a klutz?!
Tomorrow marks the 12 week mark, which I am so thankful for! Two more weeks of the first trimester, and then onto the easy (I hope?) second trimester! Tomorrow is also our first ultrasound of the baby, and this should be a very detailed picture, as they are going to be measuring the nasal translucency and looking for possible chromosomal defects. You can pray that everything looks beautiful and perfect, and that our baby is healthy and whole. Tomorrow also marks when we are going to start telling everyone about Baby Burnham! It will be so much fun to have everyone in on the secret!
I will try to update later after the heartbeat appointment, which is at 4 pm!
UPDATE:
T-I-double gah-RRRRR: We couldn't find the heartbeat! Not to worry, my friends, the midwife warned us before starting that she might not be able to find it. It seems that the baby is still cushioned low in my pelvic cavity, and combined with the old Doppler system they had, it just wasn't strong enough to find the wee heartbeat. They did, however, find my heartbeat through the placenta, so everything is progressing just fine and she wasn't worried one bit. She said they should have an easier time finding the heartbeat at the 16 week appointment on January 5, and that, of course, we should be able to see it tomorrow on the ultrasound. I also got my flu shot at the appointment. I didn't get it earlier because I was worried that it might affect the development, but I was more worried now about getting a bad case of the flu since everyone's passing it around at work.
Tomorrow is our first ultrasound! Please pray for my appointment, that everything would go smoothly and that our beautiful baby boy or girl will be healthy! With my luck, they probably won't even be able to find the baby! "Uhh, I'm sorry, ma'am, but your uterus just isn't where it should be..."
Today we get to hear the baby's heartbeat for the first time! Thankfully, my symptoms have done some major increasing over the past week, so I am extremely optimistic for this appointment, and only about 10% worried. But then again, I am such a worrywart that it would be odd for me to not be worried, especially after taking a spill. Ugh, why am I such a klutz?!
Tomorrow marks the 12 week mark, which I am so thankful for! Two more weeks of the first trimester, and then onto the easy (I hope?) second trimester! Tomorrow is also our first ultrasound of the baby, and this should be a very detailed picture, as they are going to be measuring the nasal translucency and looking for possible chromosomal defects. You can pray that everything looks beautiful and perfect, and that our baby is healthy and whole. Tomorrow also marks when we are going to start telling everyone about Baby Burnham! It will be so much fun to have everyone in on the secret!
I will try to update later after the heartbeat appointment, which is at 4 pm!
UPDATE:
T-I-double gah-RRRRR: We couldn't find the heartbeat! Not to worry, my friends, the midwife warned us before starting that she might not be able to find it. It seems that the baby is still cushioned low in my pelvic cavity, and combined with the old Doppler system they had, it just wasn't strong enough to find the wee heartbeat. They did, however, find my heartbeat through the placenta, so everything is progressing just fine and she wasn't worried one bit. She said they should have an easier time finding the heartbeat at the 16 week appointment on January 5, and that, of course, we should be able to see it tomorrow on the ultrasound. I also got my flu shot at the appointment. I didn't get it earlier because I was worried that it might affect the development, but I was more worried now about getting a bad case of the flu since everyone's passing it around at work.
Tomorrow is our first ultrasound! Please pray for my appointment, that everything would go smoothly and that our beautiful baby boy or girl will be healthy! With my luck, they probably won't even be able to find the baby! "Uhh, I'm sorry, ma'am, but your uterus just isn't where it should be..."
Friday, December 5, 2008
11w, 3d: Only 200 days to go!
Man, did I have a rough night last night. Sorry to Jamie, Brian and Debra for looking like I hadn't showered for weeks (don't worry, I had actually bathed less than 24 hours before!) and to poor, poor Jonny for having to deal with me yelling at him approximately every 5 seconds (that's not much of an exaggeration, either). But, to make myself look a little less evil, he was sitting on the couch doing coding for a final project, while I ran around the apartment cleaning and packing for our trip tonight. It did bother me a *little* that he could claim to be working while sitting on his butt all evening watching Seinfeld and movies.
Ahhh, Christmas. Luckily, my wonderful mother has absolved me of buying her and my father presents, and I have managed to figure out something for Matt, Naomi, and Jonathan's brother Drew, so I only have four more immediate family members to shop for. I love online shopping! It is my favorite invention EVER.
I'm so excited to start getting baby things! Since I assume I will never actually have a baby shower (my peeps are too scattered now to have much of a significant shower, unless I travel to where our families are), I think the most things he/she will get will probably come for Christmas, a very convenient present time. To give you a peek on our registry, here is the pattern I picked out for the stroller, high chair and pack 'n play.
We will be moving states away right after the baby is born, so we're going to stick with not many big ticket items that we will have to move! I'm so excited to get little baby things. Jamie and I already went out before Baby Burnham was conceived and bought two little outfits that I just love looking at. Babies are so precious.
Ahhh, Christmas. Luckily, my wonderful mother has absolved me of buying her and my father presents, and I have managed to figure out something for Matt, Naomi, and Jonathan's brother Drew, so I only have four more immediate family members to shop for. I love online shopping! It is my favorite invention EVER.
I'm so excited to start getting baby things! Since I assume I will never actually have a baby shower (my peeps are too scattered now to have much of a significant shower, unless I travel to where our families are), I think the most things he/she will get will probably come for Christmas, a very convenient present time. To give you a peek on our registry, here is the pattern I picked out for the stroller, high chair and pack 'n play.
We will be moving states away right after the baby is born, so we're going to stick with not many big ticket items that we will have to move! I'm so excited to get little baby things. Jamie and I already went out before Baby Burnham was conceived and bought two little outfits that I just love looking at. Babies are so precious.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
11w, 2d: I'm so hungry I could eat a...
Horse, cow, pig, etc. You name it, I could eat it. My appetite has DOUBLED over the past two days. Why? Who knows, maybe the placenta-making? I blame everything on that now-a-days. It's a very convenient excuse for, say, not getting the cat a scoop of food until the next morning. Anyhow, we're ordering Papa John's for dinner tonight (WOOHOO) and I am so excited I could burst! Yummy pizza!
Tomorrow we are heading to New Hampshire with our life group (read: Bible study) for a nice, relaxing weekend away. No Sunday school! It'll be nice to relax with everyone and NOT go hiking when they go. Yay for excuses to stay inside! I love you, Baby!
Tomorrow we are heading to New Hampshire with our life group (read: Bible study) for a nice, relaxing weekend away. No Sunday school! It'll be nice to relax with everyone and NOT go hiking when they go. Yay for excuses to stay inside! I love you, Baby!
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
11w, 1d: First morning sickness episode
I actually don't know if that title is correct, but today was my first experience with actually losing my breakfast during this pregnancy (not just being nauseous). Brushing my teeth has made my gag reflex jump a few times, but today I actually couldn't keep my poor oatmeal down. Sigh. I'm hungry now.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
11w, 0d: We think it's a....
Boy! Wow, almost EVERYONE guessed girl (6 to 1). Who guessed boy? Just wondering... Now don't get me wrong, I would love to have a girl first, but somehow I just think the baby is a boy (as does Jonathan)!
This week, our baby is about the size of a fig (1.5 inches long). His or her hands are going to be able to close soon, and his or her bones are getting harder. There are also tooth buds forming under his or her gums! He or she is stretching and kicking, and may even be hiccuping, due to his or her forming diaphragm. The placenta is now forming, which explains how exhausted I am currently (making a baby and a placenta!), and will be forming for the next few weeks.
I think I am mostly done with nausea (not that it was really that bad ever) and although my breasts are still growing, they aren't really painful or sensitive right now. I do need more sleep, though - I took a two hour nap last night and then got 7 hours of sleep and am still exhausted. I will be so happy when Jonathan's class is over and we can both sleep better!
This week, our baby is about the size of a fig (1.5 inches long). His or her hands are going to be able to close soon, and his or her bones are getting harder. There are also tooth buds forming under his or her gums! He or she is stretching and kicking, and may even be hiccuping, due to his or her forming diaphragm. The placenta is now forming, which explains how exhausted I am currently (making a baby and a placenta!), and will be forming for the next few weeks.
I think I am mostly done with nausea (not that it was really that bad ever) and although my breasts are still growing, they aren't really painful or sensitive right now. I do need more sleep, though - I took a two hour nap last night and then got 7 hours of sleep and am still exhausted. I will be so happy when Jonathan's class is over and we can both sleep better!
Rebel for a Cause raffle
My blog friend, MckMama (okay, so I don't really know her, but I was praying so long for her new baby that I feel like I know her!), is having a Raffle to raise support for String of Pearls, which is a ministry that supports families who are facing a fatal prenatal diagnosis, and two adoption grant organizations, No Hands But Ours and The Elison Project. You can click on the below link (or the link in my sidebar) to bring you to MckMama's site, where you will find the ChipIn! link at the top of her page. Raffle tickets are $10 each, so if you donate $50, you will have five entries, etc. Just donate through ChipIn and you will be automatically entered for a chance to win this awesome package, plus knowing that you are donating to a GREAT cause! The Rebel package includes a Canon Rebel 12.2 megapixel Digital SLR camera with an EF-S 18-55 f/3.5/5.6 IS lens, Canon's 75-300mm zoom lens, a 2GB ATP ProMax professional series super high speed SD card, a Jill.E camera bag, a long, adjustable, custom-made camera strap from VM Jess, a 16 x 20 canvas print from iPrintCanvas, and a complete blog makeover from Uptown Design Studio! WOW! Go enter now! The contest is running until December 14!
Monday, December 1, 2008
10w, 6d: Weight and Waiting
Well, I'm steadily gaining weight! I was up to 88 lbs. at my 8-week appointment, and am already up to 91.5 with another week to go before my 12 weeks appointment! Yeah, I know that you're not supposed to gain weight in your first trimester, usually, but I'm happy to know that I'm getting closer to a normal weight. Underweight mothers make underweight babies, and I would like a nice 8 pounder, so I'm just going to keep gaining weight, hopefully! It'd be nice to be closer to 95 or 100 lbs. by the beginning of the second trimester, so that I can be more on track for gaining the normal pregnancy weight after that. That's my goal!
I'm so excited to be able to tell EVERYONE in eight days!!! I feel so AWFUL about withholding information this important from some of my bestest friends... Aparna, Sarah, Rashida, Debra, Katelyn, Karlen, Jennifer, Molly, Chris, and everyone else: I'm so sorry that we haven't told you all yet! Just eight more days and you will all know, I promise! (As long as there is a wiggly baby with a beautiful heartbeat on that ultrasound next Tuesday...) I cannot wait, that will be SUCH a relief to my mind. For everyone who doesn't know why we were not telling (most) people, I had some bleeding from weeks 6-9 that was very worrisome (50% of people who bleed in early pregnancy have healthy babies... wait, those odds aren't very good!). At this point, the baby could still have died and not miscarried properly (we haven't heard or seen a heartbeat yet), but we are praying and hoping for a beautiful, strong heartbeat at our regular Ob/Gyn appointment on Monday and a precious wiggly baby on the ultrasound next Tuesday!
Remember to keep voting in the gender poll, and I may reveal our thoughts tomorrow!
I'm so excited to be able to tell EVERYONE in eight days!!! I feel so AWFUL about withholding information this important from some of my bestest friends... Aparna, Sarah, Rashida, Debra, Katelyn, Karlen, Jennifer, Molly, Chris, and everyone else: I'm so sorry that we haven't told you all yet! Just eight more days and you will all know, I promise! (As long as there is a wiggly baby with a beautiful heartbeat on that ultrasound next Tuesday...) I cannot wait, that will be SUCH a relief to my mind. For everyone who doesn't know why we were not telling (most) people, I had some bleeding from weeks 6-9 that was very worrisome (50% of people who bleed in early pregnancy have healthy babies... wait, those odds aren't very good!). At this point, the baby could still have died and not miscarried properly (we haven't heard or seen a heartbeat yet), but we are praying and hoping for a beautiful, strong heartbeat at our regular Ob/Gyn appointment on Monday and a precious wiggly baby on the ultrasound next Tuesday!
Remember to keep voting in the gender poll, and I may reveal our thoughts tomorrow!
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