Hope and a Future

Eleven Months Old!

2012-02-07T10:37:00.005-05:00

Dear Jack and Ben,

It was hard to type the title of this post... because it means you are almost a year old. Yikes! Where has the time gone? I can't believe my babies are just about big boys now.

I almost started talking about how "chill" our last month has been, but then I realized that there was a major development in our family. We spent this past month looking for and buying a house. We won't close until March 30, but we cannot wait to spend the rest of our years with you in this place. Our Realtor, Libby, loved the two of you and I think she worked a little harder for us because of you. You are going to love the humongous rec room in the basement - it is going to be empty for a while and I can picture the two of you running around in circles in it.

Your schedule is pretty similar to the last few months. You wake up at 7:30 am, breastfeed, play, then eat breakfast. Your first nap is from 9:30-11:30, you breastfeed and then play for two hours, take your second nap from 1:30-3 and then breastfeed, eat dinner, play and then breastfeed again right before bed at 6 pm. Mommy wakes you up at 4:30 am to eat one more time, although you are probably old enough to not need to eat at this time.

You eat similar meals to last month. You can eat just about anything with your new teeth and Mommy is looking forward to you finally getting to sit down to dinner with her and Daddy and Aunt Naomi soon! You have tried raisins and grapes this month. You were not fans of the grapes (because of the texture?), but do like raisins!

Now that you have teeth, we bought you each your own toothbrush and some swallowable (fluorine-free) toothpaste. Ben's toothbrush is blue and Jack's is green. Twice a day (after breakfast and right before bed) we brush your teeth and gums to protect them from cavities. You both love getting your teeth brushed and open up your mouths right away.

We got you snack cups for bringing your Cheerios with us places. You are both not fans of sticking your hands in yet (even with Cheerios to tempt you!), but Jack figured out (and showed Ben) how to peel back one of the flaps to dump Cheerios out of the container. Hopefully with more practice you will "get" the point of the cups.

The two of you spend a good portion of the beginning of "naptime" chatting with each other and then wake up an hour or two later chattering some more. Because the bathroom is right next to your room, the shower wakes you up from naps now, so Mommy has to wait to get her showers until after you wake up. It's good that you can keep each other company for 10-15 minutes until she comes to get you!

Jack, you are 22 lbs. this month. You are definitely starting to thin out from all of your moving, especially in your face, although I still have problems finding pants to fit your waist. American companies apparently make pants for kids wearing disposables and not cloth. Mrs. Osborn gave me a pair of European jeans and they were perfect, so I guess I am just going to have to take a trip to Europe to find you some clothes... Hmm, wouldn't that be nice? You are still in 12/18 month shirts, 18 month pants (although more like 12 month in length), 18 month pajamas and 18 month onesies. You moved up to the brown-edged (large) cloth diaper this month.

Your hair got exponentially longer this month and Mommy had to give you your second haircut last Saturday. I think it turned out really well, even though I didn't have anyone to hold you down. You'll be pleased to know that I didn't cut you at all this time!

You sign please and all done, sometimes throwing the sign for milk into the equation. I haven't really tried to teach you anything else except "thank you," which I need to be more consistent about.

You haven't gotten any more teeth yet this month, although I can see the top two waiting underneath the surface. You have been teething pretty hard, though, especially during breakfast time, when you sometimes whine a lot, stick your hand in your mouth and rub your ears. Poor darling.

You figured out how to pull yourself up in your crib about two weeks ago, and since then that is all you want to do. You test out pulling up on everything in the living room and if there is something tricky (like the movable seat of the jumperoo), you work at it until you can pull yourself up. You started defying naptime by playing with the blinds behind your crib (and bending them up terribly), and when Mommy raised them, by opening the curtains and looking out the window. Mommy finally decided to defeat you by swapping your crib with Ben's, although I know that will only last so long before he starts pulling up, too. But you are currently napping decently... as long as you are laying down and don't have a hand on the crib rail by the time we get your room's door shut.

Your favorite words to babble are "Dah Dah," "Nah Nah," "yah yah" and "bah bah." I think you got confused by Mommy's calling Aunt Naomi "Nah Nah" and you call both her and me by that now.

You love to untie shoelaces now and if we leave our shoes out near the front door, you'll play with the laces for a while. You love to try to untie Daddy's shoes before he leaves in the morning.

You spend less time playing with toys now that you are busy being curious and finding new things to examine. You still love the wooden farm puzzle, but mostly just like to get into things that aren't toys.

You love to eat still and will generally try anything for a few bites before deciding whether you like it or not. You are really good at signing "all done" when you don't want any more of something. (And, unlike Ben, you actually mean it.)

You decided recently that Ben's crinkly nose was getting too much attention, so you started doing your own version. You tip your chin up in the air, squint your eyes, crinkle your nose, and smile this goofy smile that shows your two front teeth... It is too cute!

Ben, you are 19 lbs. this month. You are also getting quite a belly on you, and although 12 month pants are a bit long on you, they are generally too tight to button. You fit most 12 month shirts, but definitely are too little for 18 month shirts. You are still in 12 month pajamas and onesies, but are filling them out completely now, so I am sure you will be moving up a size in both soon. You are still in the red-edged (medium) cloth diaper.

Your hair was so long that Mommy finally had to cave and give you a haircut last Saturday. It was sticking out in chunks from your head and looked so silly. I did a great job on your hair, because you held still better than Jack, and you look like a grown up boy now. We still brush your bangs to the side like Daddy's and if we don't brush it after a bath, it will still do crazy things.

You actually sign for Mommy again, mostly to say "all done," although I do get a "please" every once in a while... especially when you are asking for more cheerios. I don't see you saying "thank you" anytime soon... but I'm sure that if I'm stubborn enough about it you will eventually sign it! You won't sign "drink," but you are good at communication when you want one, usually by reaching for it or looking around for it. I have started leaving your cup on your tray again because you don't throw it quite as often as you used to. You drink a lot more water that way, with sips between every bite!

You got your two top teeth this month. The first one (on the right) came early in January and the second one (on the left) came in the last week of January. They are big front teeth that you definitely inherited from Mommy - sorry!

You figured out crawling this month. Last month you were going backwards, then one day in the middle of January you started scooting forward and then two days later you had the whole crawling thing down pat. The hilarious thing about you is that you are just plain lazy. You will crawl only as far as you have to go to reach something, then flop down on your belly and stretch your arm as far as you can stretch it to reach what you are going for. If you struggle for a minute and still can't get it, you will then do one more hands-and-knees push toward the object before flopping down on your belly again to grab it. I can call Jack from across the room and get him to come to me, but you will look me in the eyes and rock back and forth complaining at me until I come to you. I am fairly certain that you could have started crawling over a month ago, like Jack, but you were too lazy to consider it. I'm sure you'll pull up on things, too... eventually.

Poor baby, you are horrible at going to sleep when you are overtired, which you always are after Jack keeps you up for 30-45 minutes at the beginning of every naptime. He falls right asleep when he is done playing, but you fuss for another 15-30 minutes before you can fall asleep.

You are shorter than Jack by probably two inches now. When I stand you up next to each other in a crib, the rail comes up to his chest, but comes up to your neck. I am hoping that you will catch up soon, but we'll see. I hope you didn't get Mommy's short genes, in addition to all her other genes.

You babble just as well as Jack now, which makes me laugh when I think of how I worried that you might be deaf or autistic just a few short months ago. You love chattering with him and your favorite words are "da da," "ma ma," "na na," "ya ya," and "ba ba."

Your favorite toys are the wooden farm puzzle, any stuff animal (although Mickey, Watson the raccoon and your teddy bear are high on your list), cars, pop up toys and anything you can hit with the toy hammer. You are just starting to be interested in things that are not toys, as evidenced by your playing with doorstops and piano pedals.

You are still a very picky eater and will lock your jaw and sign "all done" (often smacking whatever is on the spoon off of it) when you don't want to try something. You are very stubborn and will often refuse things you love, like peanut butter sandwich, if you are convinced it is something you don't want. You love, love, love Cheerios, though, and if Mommy even mentions them while you are eating anything else, you will refuse to eat any more of it.

We love you both so much and love spending every day watching you grow up.

Love,
Mommy

Ten Months Old!

2012-01-07T10:56:00.004-05:00

Dear Jack and Ben,

We have had such a great month! I can't believe how quickly you change and grow up... It is hard to believe that you were born 10 short months ago!

We got to visit Shreveport for Christmas this year and got to see Aunt Katelyn marry your Uncle Joshua. What a blessing! It is a good thing she was a gorgeous bride or you two would have stolen the show. Everyone loved you, of course, and it was great to get to introduce you two to the extended family and so many good friends.

Your breakfasts are now two scrambled eggs with milk and cheddar cheese, about 1/4 c. yogurt and banana for each of you, and a handful of cheerios. The cheerios compete with the yogurt now for your favorite food. Lunches usually consist of a piece of peanut butter bread and a large bowl of pasta with veggie sauce. You are both great eaters when I feed you things you love!

You both discovered an old wooden puzzle (from when I was little!) and you love taking the pieces out and trying to put them back in. You don't quite have the fine motor skills for it yet, but you definitely understand the concept!

Jack, you are 21 lbs. this month. I really can barely lift you out of your crib these days. It is a good thing that we aren't using your infant car seats any more!

You still fit into 12 month pants if you are wearing a disposable (size 3), but in cloth you can't squeeze into them, so it's up to 18 month pants for you. I also can't button shirts around your bottom any more, so you're now wearing big boy shirts in size 12 and 18 months. You are also in 18 month pajamas now because you're too long for 12 months.

Your hair is getting really long, really fast. Mommy gave you your first haircut on December 29, a few days before Aunt Katelyn's wedding. She cut your bangs, the back, around your ears and a little bit of your ear itself... Whoops! (Really it was just a scrape, but man those scissors were sharp!)

You can sign please, milk (which to you means any food), and all done, although sometimes Mommy forgets to instruct you and then you forget how to use them. You generally get your point across with loud screams.

You are a master Cheerio picker-upper. It took you about 15 minutes to figure out the pincer grasp and how to get those guys into your mouth. They never stood a chance against Jack-who-loves-to-eat.

You got your first two teeth this month (finally!). Your bottom right incisor came first on December 23 and then your bottom left incisor came on December 29th. You look so adorable with two teeth!

You did your first real crawling for Mimi and Papa on Skype. Daddy set up the laptop, webcam and cell phone on the floor for our Skype session and you decided that that was enough electronic motivation to crawl for the first time! Crawling really clicked for you this past week and now you are everywhere and in everything. You are so curious and find things faster than I can keep track! For instance, I turned around the other day when I heard a door stop go "thwaaaanng" and you were just about to put the plastic cap from the end of the doorstop into your mouth. Yikes! You can go from crawling to sitting now and then onto your knees. You frequently try to stand up in your crib, although you haven't quite managed it yet.

You learned how to wave this month, without much instruction, and you love to show off your skills to everyone you meet. You waved to Mimi from across the room for your first wave! You also wave to Daddy when you wake up in the middle of the night. Aunt Naomi (Na Na) taught you how to high five and you caught on really quickly to that. You don't hit hands very hard, but you do the correct motion!

You say two words now (albeit selectively), Dah and bah-bye. Seriously, kid, what about me? You know, the one who feeds you and spends every waking moment of your day with you? In other words, "mama"?

I am thinking that you may be a baton-twirler someday. You have got a twisting wrist action down pat, from this noisemaker we have that you have to flip back and forth to get it to make noise. You think that anything that makes noise requires this motion and so you will do it to balls with bells in them, the mallet for the xylophone, Sophie the giraffe (who squeaks). It is pretty cute!

You started sleeping with a blanket this month, one that Uncle Matthew gave you when you were just born. It is white with different types of balls on it (footballs, soccer balls, etc.). You can be crying and mad when I lay you down on your belly, but as soon as the blanket covers you, you are happy and start sucking on your pointer and middle fingers and close your eyes. Sometimes I come in after your nap to find you have covered your head with the blanket and have wrapped it around yourself real tightly. I was wondering why your hair kept looking so unkempt after naps!

Ben, you are 18 lbs. this month. You still feel so light compared to Jack, but you have passed up the Osborn twins who are two months older than you, so you must be pretty big still!

You are too big for 6-9 month clothes any more, so they are all packed away now. You fit nicely into 12 month clothes and pajamas, although I'm not sure how much longer that will last.

Your hair is starting to get really long, although you've rubbed another bald spot into the back because you sleep on your back again. You are next in line for a haircut, although I haven't had the motivation to do it yet.

You are pretty stubborn about not signing. Your method of communicating with Mommy is grunting and screaming your displeasure. She usually figures out what you want that way. Sometimes I think you sign "all done" one time and then if I don't catch on immediately you start the screaming. So perhaps you are just frustrated with me!

You started out getting too frustrated with picking up Cheerios and then just wiping them off your tray all over the floor. But over the past few weeks you have learned how to pick them up and are very good at it now. If you get frustrated, though, you will just bang your (saliva-covered) hand on the Cheerios a few times and pick up about 6 at once. You usually can get one of the six in your mouth.

You got your first two teeth this month (finally)! You got both of your bottom incisors on December 12th (the same day). You look adorable with your scrunched up nose grin and two little teeth in there!

You are not quite crawling yet, but you can go backwards and are able to fling yourself forwards when you want something that is in front of you. You can also rotate on your hands and knees really well. You are so close to crawling! I think the fact that Jack can move faster than you really bugs you and you are ready to figure it out.

You learned how to wave this month. Your first wave was to strangers on the airplane ride back from Shreveport. You are SUCH a flirt! You wave far less often than Jack does, but you love to wave to him first thing in the morning.

You started saying "Mah-mahhhhhh!" when you cry now. I'm not sure if it is intentionally my name, but since I respond to it, I'm thinking you're going to catch on fast that it calls me over. You like being held (especially by me), so if it gets you held faster, I think that will be great motivation.

I think you are going to be a pogo stick champion when you get bigger. You LOVE jumping (you spent the entire plane ride from here to Dallas jumping in my arms) and you can jump for about 10 minutes straight without stopping.

You are now my flipper during diaper changes - you do not want to stay on your back! Mommy has to swat your thigh multiple times sometimes to remind you that you are not supposed to flip. You are just a stubborn boy, like Mommy and Daddy both are.

You started sleeping with a blanket this month, one that Uncle Matthew gave you when you were just born. It is white with airplanes and trains and cars on one side and blue fleece on the other. You sleep on your back now and when Mommy lays the blanket down on you, you grab a corner and hold it in your hand while you suck your thumb. It is so sweet! You finally took your first good nap at church the other day when we brought your blanket with us!

Still doing the worm

I love you both so much. I just said to Daddy the other day that my family is perfect - I can't imagine better kids or a happier life.

Love,
Mama

Nine Months Old!

2011-12-07T11:14:00.025-05:00

Dear Jack and Ben,

I get so behind on these posts, but I am doing this one actually on your nine month birthday, so I think it should be more detailed than the others! (It is hard to remember what you were like a month or more after it happens.)

This month has been a fun one. We had a lot of time off with Daddy (Veterans Day weekend and all of Thanksgiving week) and you boys just love spending time with him, so that was a big deal for you! For Thanksgiving we spent a few days in Canton, OH with Brian, Amy, Alaina and Alex Chase and then a few days in Wheeling, WV to see the rest of the Cochran family (Grammy's side). You boys loved your cousins Alaina and Alex and were huge fans of playing with big kids.

You got your first tub bath over Thanksgiving break at Great-Aunt Beverly's house. You loved it, especially because you got to take it together. Jack did slip and hit his head on the side of the tub, though. He wiggles too much and is so heavy to hold onto that Mommy has a hard time keeping him upright in the tub. She needs to buy a non-slip bath mat for you boys! You both try to reach really far for tub toys out of your reach and that is (literally) your downfall.

Today you are trying your first naps together (in the same room, not the same crib) in months. You started napping separately around five and a half months because Jack would cry for a minute or two before settling down to sleep, but that would send Ben into hysterics which would take more than the 45 minute nap to calm down from... So Ben has been sleeping in a pack-n-play in Mommy's room and Jack in his own crib. We tried a couple times before to sleep together with bad results. But today you have gone to sleep like pros together... Ben didn't fall asleep immediately for the first nap, but Jack slept through his talking, and Jack was very upset and cried for about 15 minutes before taking his afternoon nap, while Ben fell asleep immediately. So I guess you two were ready to sleep together again! You always slept together at night, but because naps are so much shorter than night sleep, it was hard for you to both fall asleep and stay asleep for the time that you needed. I think that the separation was good for you because you both had those three and a half months to get really well-rested and good at falling asleep and falling back to sleep before you had to learn how to do it together. Great job, boys!

Jack usually gets to nurse first so that he will be quiet while Ben is nursing (Ben is much more distractible). However, I think Ben is starting to get offended by my always "choosing" Jack first, so I am going to try switching that up now!

You love to roll your toddler-size soccer ball back and forth to each other. You are quite good at it, actually! Jack is super serious about getting the ball accurately to Ben, whereas Ben just loves flinging it wherever it will go.

You have both started grabbing toys out of each others' hands now. Thankfully no one gets offended by this yet! Mrs. Osborn tells me that Joel and Daniel think it is hilarious when the other takes something from them, so hopefully you two will have that same attitude for a while... except that I am worried that you will start taking toys from the other babies in nursery and hurt their feelings!

In between changing each of your diapers, I will put you sitting up face to face in Ben's crib with toys and a hanging crib toy to play with. I often come back from washing my hands to find one of you bending over, with the other grabbing his head and open-mouthed kissing him and a slobber spot on the kisser's head from where the other one got him originally. So sweet! When Jack is feeling cuddly, he will lean in similarly to me so that I can kiss his head.

Jack, you are 19 lb, 11 oz (25-50%) today and 28 1/4 inches long (50%). 30 inches is the maximum height for your car seat, so I am glad you will have your big boy one in less than a month! You are too chunky for 9 month shirts and pants now, so you are fully into 12 month clothing. Sometimes I run out of 12 month onesies and try to get you into a 9 month one, but, man, are they tight on your little pot belly!

You have stick-straight white blonde hair that has fully grown back in now. It doesn't spike like it did when you were a wee baby, probably because it is a lot longer and heavier now. Sometimes the hair on the bottom of the back of your head will curl out away from your head, but that is the only hint of curl I see in your hair!

Poor darling, you had a yeast rash under your neck for the past month. It was just about to go away when we ran out of Nystatin and the doctor wouldn't refill it for us, so we had to switch to Lotrimin, which took a few days before it began working, during which time your rash came back pretty bad again. Now it is just about faded and I am looking forward to not having to torture you by putting that goopy stuff on your neck any more.

You are a great eater. You will pretty much try anything... The only food I have ever had a problem with you eating was avocado, and that was months ago, so you probably would eat it now. You are a really good "gummer" and never choke on your food, even when you get sizeable pieces to gum. You use the sign for "milk" as a sign for any food, which is pretty cute and smart of you - you are making a connection between breastmilk and the table food you get!

You are easily moving from sitting to your belly now. I am fairly certain that getting yourself sitting up will be soon, too! You are often on all fours and have learned how to scoot your knees forward at the same time to propel yourself toward objects. You are still better at crawling backwards, though, and you haven't figured out how to move your hands forward yet.

You call Daddy "Dah" now. You love to enunciate consonants, but no M sound yet... Come on, dude! You love when Mommy repeats your consonants back to you and you get very talkative when she has a conversation with you!

You love to raise your eyebrows at Mommy and she raises hers back at you. We have entire conversations that way, especially when Ben is nursing and you are playing in your exersaucer.

You are really good at the rotary dial on your pop up toy. You love to stick one finger in a hole and revolve it! You are excellent at closing the lids, too. You never had a problem with getting your thumb in the way.

You have figured out where Mommy keeps your toys (in boxes on the bottom shelf of the coffee table) and can pull down the boxes to get out what you want to play with. Smart, sneaky boy!

Ben, you are 16 lb, 12 oz (5%) today and 27 1/4 inches long (25-50%). You are in 9 month clothes still, but have moved up to 12 month pajamas. You are almost as tall as Jack, even if you are a thin little guy!

You have your Daddy's hair, except that it is white blonde (like his was as a baby). It is wavy and will hold whatever shape that it is in when it dries for DAYS. One time Daddy accidentally gave you a Mohawk while drying your hair and it would not stay down, even with a damp rag run over it! Mommy tries to comb your hair to one side like Daddy's now and you look a lot like him that way.

You are not so interested in consonants still, probably because you still prefer screaming. But I have heard you say "ma-ma" and "ba-ba" every once in a while, so I know you are learning them... You're just taking your time deciding when you will babble.

You love to suck on the pointer finger of your left hand. Whenever you are tired I frequently see you doing this and then popping it out to play with something before sticking it back in.

We are working on "milk," "thank you," "drink" and waving goodbye, but Mommy forgets to sign those very consistently, so you haven't caught on quite yet. But you are now using "all done" and "please" in contexts outside of food, even if you won't sign them when prompted any more. You are a very picky eater and will whine a lot, especially when you are ready to switch from eggs to yogurt and if you don't like whatever Mommy is trying to feed you for dinner. You will purposefully not chew (gum) things that you don't like and choke on them. You are my little punk when it comes to eating! (No wonder you are not growing quite as quickly as Jack.) Also, you have now figured out how to rip your bib off, although you are getting better about leaving it on when Mommy tells you to not touch it.

Your newest (adorable) trick is scrunching up your nose! You do it both when you are very happy and very mad. When you are mad (especially about Mommy feeding you something you don't want to eat at that moment), you rapidly and audibly force air through your nose rather than making any noise, so that Mommy can't sneak any bites of food in there. (You are one smart cookie. Jack hasn't figured that one out yet.)

When you are really excited, you "do the worm" on your belly. You will drop from your position of pushing up on your hands, bury your face in the carpet and wiggle your body while flailing your arms and legs to the sides. It is pretty cute!

You hold your arms up to Mommy when you want to be picked up. It makes my heart feel happy. :)

You are really good at pressing the push and pull buttons on the pop-up toy. You are getting better at closing them, but started out with your thumb in the way and are learning that it can't be below what you are trying to close.

You are lightening fast at emptying a box of toys now. Jack has to think quickly to pick the toys he wants before you steal them all away!

I love you both so much... People are always asking me if I'm SO busy, but I can't imagine life being less exciting than it is now!

Love,
Mommy

Eight Months Old!

2011-11-10T09:31:00.016-05:00

Dear Jack and Ben,

Yet another month going by quick as a wink. I know the years of your life are going to flash by my eyes, and so I am trying to live in the moment as much as I can! I love eight months old - you are fun, sweet, eager to please, and smile SO MUCH!

This month was Mommy's first trip away from you... for 24 hours! She visited Boston (for Jennifer Reus' baby shower) from Friday night, October 28th to Saturday night, October 29th and left you at home with Daddy. Daddy did a great job taking care of my boys!

It got too cold to go on walks this month (poor Ben's cheeks get chapped VERY easily), so no more daily outings. But you still love being pushed around in your stroller when we make it to the mall.

You have pretty regular meals now, with scrambled eggs with cheddar cheese (which, after a week, Ben still won't eat more than four bites of) and plain, whole milk yogurt with bananas for breakfast and 1/4 peanut butter sandwich and "beefaroni" (a pureed beef, carrots and potato casserole) for dinner. Mommy has been introducing you to some "chunkier" foods so that you can practice chewing (or rather "gumming," since neither of you has teeth yet!).

Your sleep schedule is synchronized well, waking up around 7 am, your first nap from 9-10:30 am, second nap from 1-2:30 pm, and going to bed at 6 pm. No more third nap! You still breastfeed five times, at 4 am, 7 am, (have eggs and yogurt after the 7am feeding), 10:30 am, 2:30 pm, (have PB sandwich and beefaroni after the 2:30 pm feeding) and 5:30 pm.

Jack, you are 19 lbs. Oh my! Mommy is back to her pre-pregnancy weight (which was actually not my goal, +8-10 lbs. would have been fine!) and I can see why, with such a big boy to carry around. I can barely lift you in your infant carseat, so we are getting "big boy" convertible seats (that stay permanently in the car) for Christmas.

You are in 12 month pajamas and onesies, but still wear 9 month pants and shirts. The arms and legs of the 12 month pants and shirts are just too long for you, even though you outgrew the 9 month pjs in length... I'm not sure how that works! Maybe you just have a long torso.

You usually nap for 1-1.5 hours, although every once in a while you will nap for two. I like those days, especially when they coincide with two hour naps for Ben. :) You almost always wake up happy from your naps now; I hear giggles and gurgles coming over the monitor, which makes my heart happy.

Speaking of noises - on Sunday, October 30 Daddy came home from church (we were home with colds) and you said "Dada" when he walked in the door. You had been making D sounds for a few days at that point, but that was your first reference to Daddy as such. No "Mama" yet!

You now can sign "all done" (in addition to "please"), but when you do it is up to you. Usually you will do it when you are done breastfeeding and want to get down to play!

Your favorite toy is probably Mickey Mouse. He has the best ears, fingers and nose for chewing on! You especially love to play with him while swinging in your baby swing... which you are just about to be able to dive out of, so not too much more of that! You also love your "Sophie the giraffe" teething toy, the vibrating strawberry and grape teethers and books! You love to watch as Mommy points out Papa, Mimi, Aunt Katelyn and Uncle Drew in your family picture book.

You are so close to crawling right now. You started out last month sleeping on your tummy and when you would wake up from naps you would start pushing up your arms and stretching to see over the crib bumper when Mommy would come in the room. Then you started pushing up on your hands and knees. Then you began crawling backwards (you are quite proficient at that, actually). Now you are able to move your knees a little forward, but haven't quite figured out picking up your hands. For her sake, Mommy is not looking forward to the day you figure that out, although I am sure you will be very proud of yourself!

You also became a proficient sitter this month. One day it just "clicked" and you were able to sit for minutes at a time. Now you can sit for at least 20 or 30 minutes without any help at all.

Your new favorite game is "pull the toys out of the toybox." You take your time with each one, examining it, chewing on it, shaking it, and then drop it to go for the next one. You also love to play peek-a-boo - we can always get a giggle out of you by doing that and Mommy and Daddy will make fools of themselves in public for those giggles.

Ben, you now weigh 16 lbs. You are still growing well, although not as well as Jack is... You just don't appreciate food the way that he does. You are also getting your "big boy" convertible car seat for Christmas because you are almost as tall as Jack and will be out of your infant seat for height in the next few months, even if you aren't as chunky. People who haven't seen you in a few months, though, do call you Jack because you aren't too far behind him in cheek size. :)

You are still in 6-9 month clothing now, but getting close to moving up to 12 months in some things. You are just plain long!

You usually take a shorter nap (45 min-1 hr) in the morning and then a longer nap (1.5-2 hours) in the afternoon. You usually wake up happy, chirping and talking to yourself in your pack-n-play in mommy's room until she comes to get you.

You aren't as interested in consonant sounds as Jack is, but you do love to scream and chirp a lot. I am thinking you are going to be a loud child, like your Mommy. :)

You also can sign "all done" and "please," but you are stubborn and will do it far less than I ask you to. Speaking of stubborn, you are great at keeping your mouth shut when a food you don't like is coming your way!

Your favorite toy is Mickey Mouse. His fingers and ears are where I find you chewing the most! You love swinging in the swing with him, but have started trying to grab the bars and anything else around, so we are giving the swing back to Mrs. Hammer soon. You love to play with our stack of colorful rings (we call them donuts) and to chew on your "Sophie the giraffe" teething toy. You especially love to squeak her!

You have started pushing up on your hands and knees now, although you are less interested in moving right now. You are definitely a tummy sleeper now and sometimes I come in in the morning to find you asleep on your shins and forearms with your arms and legs tucked underneath you and your butt sticking straight up in the air. It is pretty adorable!

You too became a proficient sitter this month; you are quite capable of sitting for a long time now, although you still get excited at times and fling yourself backward straightening your body. Mommy makes sure she keeps a pillow behind you if there is anything to bump your head on!

You love to play "pull the toys out of the box," but Mommy calls you "Hoarding: Buried Alive Baby Edition" because your version is to pull a toy out, stick it in your mouth for about 3 seconds and then drop it and go for another! By the time Jack has three toys on his lap, you have most of the rest of the toybox emptied out! You are still a big fan of Mommy coming at you slowly and then faster and faster until I jump at you. You also love to be tickled and for Mommy to smell your stinky tootsies and say "Uuuhhhh, stinky! You need a bath!"

You boys are so amazing and precious to us. We love being your parents!

Love,
Mommy

Seven Months Old!

2011-10-07T10:24:00.001-04:00

Dear Jackson and Bennett,

You are seven months old today! Wow! I feel like we just started feeding you solids and then all of a sudden you are big enough to get mixtures and new textures and a whole new world of possibilities. I can't believe how fast this past month went.

So far you have eaten (in order of introduction) carrots, apples, sweet potatoes, pears, avocados, chicken (mixed with sweet potatoes), green beans, peas, spinach (which you both oddly loved and gobbled up, even the first day!), whole-fat, unsweetened yogurt, bananas, peaches, beef casserole (beef, carrots, sweet potatoes), and turkey dinner (turkey, corn, carrots and green beans).

We are weaning you off of your nightly supplemental bottles - you definitely don't need them any more, calorically-speaking, and are just in the habit of getting them now. But Mommy wants to stop pumping every night, so they're getting the ax!

You get bathtubs on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays (and in between when needed!). It makes Mommy's life a little easier when she has scheduled days for baths... She could never remember before how many days it had been since you had gotten cleaned up!

You are both on the same sleep schedule now, which is much better for Mommy's sleep and sanity. You wake up for the day between 6 and 7 and then take a nap two hours after you wake up. You take your second nap of the day around 12-1 pm and then usually a third nap around 3 or 4, depending on how long your first two naps were and when. Your bedtime also got moved earlier to 6:30 pm and you are both so much happier for it!

You both breastfeed when you wake up, then have yogurt+bananas for breakfast, then breastfeed around 10:30 or 11:00 am when you wake up from your first nap, then breastfeed around 2 pm when you wake up from nap #2, have a "dinner" meal (usually a beef or turkey or chicken combo with veggies) before your third nap and then breastfeed around 5 or 5:30 pm before going down for the night. You both usually wake up sometime between 2 and 4 am for your fifth feeding of the day.

Jack, today you are a little under 18 lbs. You keep Mommy's arms in shape, for sure.

You are still in 6-9 month clothes, but have moved up to 12 month pajamas.... They are big boy two-piece pajamas and you look more like a toddler than a little baby in them. Sniff, sniff.

This month Mommy had to change up your eating and sleeping schedule, and you are such a happier baby now! She had to switch you from a 2.5 hour eating schedule to a 3-4 hour schedule... And it only took one short time of playing with you before letting you eat at the 3 hour mark, rather than the 2.5 hour mark. You now can nap for up to 2 hours (although you certainly don't do that every time), whereas before you would only ever make it to an hour and fifteen minutes, maximum! She also had to talk Daddy into letting you cry through your midnight-2 am waking and it only took about 15 minutes of fussing on two nights and you were done waking up then. You feel a lot better after 8-10 hours of sleep, rather than doing the little chunks you were doing before!

You love all food... except avocados. Every picture Mama took of you trying out a new food was a super big smile. But you just didn't get the hang of avocados, even after a few days!

You are still my little talker. You are great at your consonants and I am just waiting for the day you bust out a "mama"! You also were the first to sign "please" back to Mommy. We're working on "all done" and "drink" now.

You love to play peek-a-boo. It's funny because you laugh the hardest when you are the most violently surprised!

You are ticklish under your neck, especially when Mommy puts lotion under there after your bath.

This month you decided that you were going to sleep on your tummy now! You wake up with the cutest red marks on one side of your face from where it rubbed against the sheets. You started out accidentally flipping over onto your tummy during naps and then waking yourself up because you could only roll from tummy to back in one direction (towards your right side) and you would get stuck up against the crib slats. Mommy decided to leave you alone to figure things out for yourself... and you did! I always knew you were going to be a tummy sleeper because when you were little you would conk out about a minute after I put you down to play on your tummy. Now you can roll towards both sides like a pro - the second I put you down in your crib you start flipping over! It's funny to me that you actually prefer to be on your tummy, rather than your back now.

Ben, today you are a little over 15 lbs. You are gaining weight just fine, by the way, your brother is just gaining more on the top of the normal range and you are gaining closer to the bottom of the normal range.

You are now solidly in 6-9 month clothes and are stretching out pretty well in the 6-9 month pjs, so you may be moving up to 12 month soon!

You are a touchy napper. Mommy has to get you down at exactly the right time because if she doesn't you will just cry for 1.5 hours rather than nap (don't worry, she doesn't usually leave you that long, she just tried that once or twice to see if you would ever go to sleep). But when you go down at the right time, you are a great napper, usually sleeping for 2 hours for both morning and afternoon naps.

You just learned how to go to sleep without your pacifier and with no crying. The pediatrician told Mommy to make sure you were done with it by 9 months old (you start forming habits by then) and he said that the best way was cold turkey... But first you were so tired, catching up on naps from missing most of them on our Shreveport trip, then you got shots, then you were sick... And Mommy kept rocking and feeding you to sleep until she realized that she had reverted you into a very bad sleeper! So one night (Monday, October 3), Mommy put you to bed without your pacifier and no going back in to comfort you. And you cried hard for 45 minutes, that night and the next two nights, but by Thursday you went right to sleep! You also took all of your naps from Tuesday on without it and did just fine. You look like such a big boy now, sleeping without your bink!

You are very picky in your food consumption. Usually after the first bite of a new food, you clamp down your mouth and Mama has to trick you into smiling, so that she can get a couple more bites in. Usually by Day 3 you have resigned yourself into eating the new food and will eat a decent amount. But you are not afraid of going hungry on Day 1 and 2! You LOVE banana yogurt... You say "Mmmmm, mmmmm, mmmmm," the whole time you are eating it. We are also working on patience and not whining with you. Whenever Mommy is too slow to get you your next bite, you get very frustrated and yell at her. You know how to sign "please" so we are working on saying please rather than yelling.

I feel a little bad posting this, but for the sake of remembering, I wanted to mention that everyone who asks us if you and Jack are twins then asks if you are boy/girl twins... because you are petite and have such a sweet, cute face! (I do wonder what they are thinking, though, especially when I have you both dressed in identical BLUE or obviously boy outfits.)

You love to have Mommy slowly sneak up on you while you are in the swing, jumperoo or exersaucer. She starts out crawling toward you slowly and then gets faster and faster until she jumps at you at last second. You giggle uncontrollably! You also love to be tickled, especially under the arms or under your neck.

We have found you a couple times lately sleeping on your tummy, so I'm not sure if you are changing things up for good, or just experimenting with a new position. But I hope that I can get a picture of your old sleeping position (on top of your two hands) before you stop doing that! It is so unique!

The last couple days you have found your voice again... But this time you are a screamer! You will just randomly yell at the top of your lungs. Not because you are mad or upset, just because you like to yell now. :)

We love you both so much! We are so thankful for our sweet twinkles.

Love,
Mommy

Favorite Baby Products: Newborn

2011-09-28T20:27:00.012-04:00

We'll see how long it takes me to finish this series, but here is installment #1 of my favorite baby products!

Amazon Mom (free for three months, up to 9 more months free for each $25 spent in Baby section, Amazon)
You will thank me for this. Free two-day shipping means that you will save many trips to the store when you realize you are just about to run out of yet another baby item. Also, 30% off diapers and other subscribe-and-save deals!

The Miracle Blanket ($30, Amazon)
My 7 lb. baby was able to bust out of a very snug swaddle with a hospital blanket by 2 weeks old. The Miracle Blanket provides a super tight swaddle that even a 14 week old can't get out of and gave us a great foundation for sleep. Make sure you own two, so that you can wash one while your child is napping in the other.

Moby wrap ($45, Amazon)
Desperate to get your baby to sleep? Et voila - the Moby Wrap. While I don't recommend carrying your newborn for all his naps (he has to learn how to sleep on his own sometime!), for those tricky ones when you need to do something and just can't walk away from your screaming baby, slip the little one in this and he will instantly conk out. For preemies through 35 lbs.

Itzbeen Baby Care Timer ($20, Amazon)
These things are perfect for the newborn sleep-deprivation stage. Are the hours blurring together and you can't remember when the last time your baby ate was? Not any more - the Itzbeen has four timers, to keep track of eating, sleeping, diaper changes and a miscellaneous event (such as a medication). Each is separately controlled and able to be set for half hour increments from 30 minutes to 24 hours. When the time is up, the button for that particular task will flash red and an alarm will sound (if unmuted). I am still using mine at 6 months old, although that could have something to do with having twins.

Six Months Old!

2011-09-07T20:51:00.015-04:00

Jack and Benny,

I can't believe you are already six months old! That's halfway to a year! Where has the time gone?!?

You both breastfeed solo now. Mommy misses her little babies who loved to eat together, but it is also nice to get one-on-one time with her sweet boys.

You went into church nursery for the first time this month. Benny went in first one week because Jack had a cold, but then you both went in together the next week. You are very good for them, except that you won't take naps in there, unless you are desperately tired.

We survived both an earthquake and a hurricane this month! Mommy ran into your rooms and woke you up from your naps during the earthquake because she was so scared. Hurricane Irene ended up being a lot weaker than everyone expected and we didn't even lose our power (although a lot of folks in Maryland did).

We visited Shreveport, where your Mimi and Papa live, for the first time this month. You loved it at their house and got to spend so much time playing with your grandparents and aunt and uncle.

You also got your first tastes of solid foods today! You both were great sports eating lots of rice cereal and attempting to drink water out of your sippy cups.

Jack, you are 16 lbs, 10 oz (10%) and 26.5"(25%) long! My big boy, as always. :)

Your schedule is confusing Mommy right now... I think you are ready for a change with your naps. You've stopped taking long naps and are just plain tired! You go to sleep around 7:30 pm and wake up around 1 or 2 am for food, then sleep until 5 am. You eat seven times a day, at 5 am, 7:30 am, 10 am, 1 pm, 4 pm, 6:30 pm and 2 am. Mommy is getting super tired from not sleeping many hours in a row.... So change is a-coming, little boy!

You are entirely in 6-9 month clothes now... But growing quickly out of that size in pants! (Thanks to your cloth diapers.) You are still in red edged (medium) diapers and have to wear two at night so you don't leak!

You love making noises of any kind. You gurgle, do a "Kiki the darling" voice, and all sorts of consonants. You will mimic noises that other people make and love when we repeat back the sounds that you make!

You love to jump in the jumperoo and have already figured out how to turn yourself around in the exersaucer. You have figured out how to scoot around the floor on your back and are really, really close to flipping onto your tummy!

You still won't sit up very well on the ground, but do a great job sitting up on Mommy's lap. The doctor was impressed with how long you could sit up on Mommy's lap, though!

Ben, you are 14 lbs, 8 oz (under 5%) and 26.25" (25%) long. Such a tall boy now! I can't believe you have just about caught up to Jack in height!

You are on a different schedule from Jack... six feeds a day, falling asleep at 7:30 pm, sometimes 8, and sleeping until 4 am and then until 7, with feeds at 7 am, 10 am, 1 pm, 4 pm, 7 pm, and 4 am. Mommy really likes the schedule you are on, so she is hoping that Jack will learn how to mimic you soon!

You still fit in 3-6 month clothes, but Mommy is going to move you up to 6-9 months soon, so that you can match Jack. Plus, it's starting to get chilly and I don't have any warm 3-6 month clothes! You are still in the yellow-edged (small) diapers, but you also wear two at night to prevent leaking!

You have gotten so quiet since Jack started talking more. You no longer do your baby pterodactyl screeches, which makes Mommy sad! Sometimes you will talk to Mommy while she is feeding you at 4 am.

Your sleeping position is so cute - when Mommy puts you down in your crib, you rock toward one side and tuck one hand under your back and then rock towards the other side to put the other hand under your back. I think you figured this out to help prevent yourself from removing your binky and waking yourself up!

You have just learned how to jump in the jumperoo with both feet at once... It's a little bit violent, so you always look a bit shocked when you do it! You can roll both to your tummy and back now, but you usually only roll from your tummy to your back whenever Mommy sets you down on your tummy.

You are a decent sitter - you can sit really well on Mommy's lap, but refuse to sit up by yourself on the ground, preferring to throw yourself backwards.

Starting solids...

2011-08-12T09:16:00.002-04:00

Okay, so I know I just posted their 4 month update, but that was a month behind! I'm working on their 5 month one now... They just turned 5 months on Sunday!

Since we are only a few short weeks away from 6 months old, we're looking forward to starting solids in a few weeks. In anticipation of that, what are the must-have items for starting solids? I'm planning to make my own baby food, so recipe books, puree-ers, bibs, spoons, storage materials, etc... We need it all!

Thanks, all!

Five Months Old!

2011-08-07T15:23:00.010-04:00

Jack and Benny,

What big boys you are! You have gone through a lot of changes in the past month (even the past few days!) and Mommy and Daddy are so proud and having so much fun raising you.

You got to see your first fireworks this past month (yeah, we didn't go until July 9th!), which you loved. You were both in awe of the pretty lights!

Jack, you are 15 lbs. (10%) today and 25.75" (25%) long! That is how much Mommy weighed at one year old. Can you imagine my surprise that one of my babies could be this big this early? As I like to say: chunk.a.munk. You are still long, but not really lean. Your tummy is adorable and you have rolls everywhere. Aunt Naomi says you look like you have cellulite in your legs. :)

You have a brand new schedule. You now sleep from 8:30 or 9 pm until 6 am with six feedings a day. You usually eat at 6 am, 9 am, 11:30 am, 2 pm, 5:30 pm and 7:30 pm, with two long naps after the 6 am feeding and the 2 pm feeding. Mommy loves long naps. Let me say that again for emphasis, Mommy LOVES long naps and 9 hour nights! Thank you for incorporating those into your day.

You have moved up into 6-9 month clothing, except for onesies, which I need to go buy! You are about to rip out of the 3-6 month onesies and I want to keep those for future kids, so I'd better go get some new ones fast. Believe it or not, you moved up for length, not girth - you couldn't stretch your feet out in your pjs and we felt a bit guilty, so we bought you 9 month pjs, even though they looked so long! You moved up to medium-sized (red edged) cloth diapers this month and you leak so much less at night in them... I guess you were ready before Mommy was.

You have started mimicking Benny's pterodactyl cries... so now you are the Pterodactyl Twins! You also use a lot of consonants now, I hear goo's and ma's and ba's over the monitor while you happily play after waking up.

Speaking of sleep, you are officially sleep trained now! You still have to cry just a bit before you fall asleep, but it never takes you more than 15 minutes and they are never screams, just getting your emotional energy out, I think. For your long naps, you wake up at the 45 minute mark and make tired noises for about 15 minutes before falling back asleep. But you usually wake up Benny during that time and he doesn't fall back asleep, so Mommy does have to separate you two into different rooms for naps.

You can sit up on your own now, although you can't maneuver yourself into the position. We think that your big bum helps hold you up, although you definitely have some strong abs, too!

Your neck strength has gone from shaky to amazing over the past month... you have finally caught up to Benny in that regard.

Yesterday you rolled over from tummy to back for the first time. Thank you for letting both Mommy and Daddy see it! We cheered so loudly and you looked SO proud of yourself.

You spend about 20-30 minutes per day on your tummy and you don't just lay there any more! You have figured out how to scoot when you are on your back and Mommy will often come back into the room after about 2 minutes to find you a couple feet away from where you started!

Benny, you are 12 lbs, 9 oz (<5%) and 24.75" (10%) long today! Every time I think that you once weighed only four pounds, I realize how huge you are now - you are working on tripling your birth weight!

You are on the same schedule as Jack, sleeping from 8:30 or 9 pm until 6 am with six feedings a day. You usually eat at 6 am, 9 am, 11:30 am, 2 pm, 5:30 pm and 7:30 pm, with two long naps after the 6 am feeding and the 2 pm feeding. You nap waaaay better than Jack does; he frequently wakes up at the 45 minute mark, whereas you almost always sleep 1.5-2 hours. I think your schedule is still changing, though, so we will see where we end up next month!

You are in 3-6 months clothes now, and yellow-edged (small) cloth diapers. You don't look so little next to Jack any more, though!

You don't talk as much as Jack because you like to listen to everything he says. You still do your pterodactyl scream when you are happy and you like to talk to mama during your 6 am feeding, while Jack is still pretty sleepy.

We finally got you out of your miracle blanket this month! Apparently you just needed to be 20 weeks old because that Monday I set you free for naptimes and you slept through them all. Way to go! You now sleep with your arms tucked under you to hold them down. You usually take your naps in mommy's room so that Jack won't wake you up mid-nap, and you love sleeping in the pack-n-play. You fall asleep immediately for almost every nap now! You still take your binky for naps and nighttime sleep, but we don't let it come out of your room unless you are REALLY cranky.

You are finally practicing sitting up. I guess you didn't want to let Jack take that prize on his own. You can sit on your own long enough for a picture to be taken, although you aren't really interested enough in doing it to maneuver yourself into the position.

During tummy time, you have just started reaching for things with one hand, while holding yourself up with the other. I never would have thought of that as a skill until I saw you attempting it the other day. I guess it really takes a lot of abs and arm strength.

You are inches away (literally!) from rolling from your back to tummy. I think the problem is that you don't like being on your tummy, so you will roll as you reach for something and then right before we think you are going to do it, you flop back onto your back. So I think that you are perfectly capable of doing it, just not interested. You frequently flip from tummy to back the second I put you down on your tummy.

You are gnawing away at anything that comes near your mouth. I think you are about to get your first tooth! You have a seriously hard bite... sometimes I cringe when I see you chewing on your own little fingers!

Four Months Old!

2011-07-07T15:13:00.009-04:00

Dear Jack and Benny,

Every month you get so much bigger and mommy's heart breaks at how fast time is moving. You are so much fun and learn new things just about every day! Outside of Daddy, you are the loves of my life.

You were both dedicated to the Lord this month, on Father's Day. Mommy and Daddy promised to raise you to know the Lord and to teach you His Word and what He did for you on the cross. We take that promise very seriously and are already reading the Bible together, so that you will never remember a time when you did not know God's Word.

You got to meet your third set of great-grandparents (the Swensons) this month, when we took your first plane ride to Minnesota! You were both perfect angels both on the planes and during the entire trip. Mommy's family is so in love with you and have done nothing but sing your praises since they met you.

Jack, today you are 13 lbs, 14 oz (25%) and 24.75" long (50%). Mommy's big boy, as always. You are still a great eater, even when Benny is kicking you or talking or fussing, you keep eating. We haven't introduced solids yet (we will try to wait until you are 6 months old), but I think you are always going to be a great eater.

You talk SO much these days. You love to talk to anything with a face, especially your lion toy or your brother. We will prop you up across from Benny and you will just coo and coo at him. He can't get a word in edgewise!

Your schedule is changing right now, but you usually sleep from 9 pm until 5 am with 7 feedings each day. We are in the middle of sleep training you, but you are so stubborn that you will cry and cry for an hour and a half sometimes before finally going to bed. I am sure you will learn to go to sleep quickly someday!

You are no longer anemic or jaundiced and the official diagnosis is... no diagnosis. The hematologist believes that it might have been RH Hemolytic Disease from you having the Rhesus factor and Mommy not having it. But you are too old to test for this now!

You are still in 3-6 month clothing, but have grown out of some 3-6 month outfits. You are a very long boy, even though you are also pretty chunky. You are in the small cloth diapers still, but size 2 disposables (which we know from our trip to Minnesota).

You are starting to look more like your Uncle Adam and Grandpa Swenson. You have very light blonde hair coming back in and the beautiful Swedish blue eyes.

You learned a few weeks ago how to sleep without your Miracle Blanket and you look like such a big boy sleeping in your pajamas in your crib. You like to spread eagle while sleeping, with your arms above your head and your legs spread apart. You also learned this month how to suck your thumb. Once you were free of your Miracle Blanket you had all of your naptimes to practice, and you figured it out very quickly! Now Mommy will hear *suck, suck, suck* over the monitor while you are falling asleep. You look so adorable with your little thumb in your mouth. You usually leave all of your fingers spread out while you are doing it - I think that you haven't figured out how to just hold your thumb out.

You are learning how to sit up in your Bumbo seat now. You have a hard time holding your head up for long, but you have figured out that you can rest it on the seat back behind you when you need a break. Your chunky legs and bottom fit pretty tightly in there, so it holds up the rest of you very well!

Jackson, 4 months old:

Benny, at 11 lbs, 12 oz (under 5%) today, you are such a little chunker, like your brother, and you are getting taller at 23.75" long (5%). Everyone now confuses you with Jack if they don't see you next to each other. Mama loves your squeezable cheeks! She barely even recognizes the itty bitty baby that you were as a newborn, just four short months ago.

You don't talk as much as your brother, but oh the smiles! Mommy loves seeing how happy her baby is, especially knowing how much you used to hurt. You have become our little "Baby Pterodactyl" this month... I know you are happy when I hear a loud *Screech!* from across the house.

You are on the same schedule as Jack, sleeping from 9 pm until 5 am with 7 feedings each day. We are in the middle of sleep training you, also. The problem is that we trained you to scream by responding to your screams when you were little because you were in pain... But you have learned that screaming that way even when not in pain gets a fast response and so you scream when you do not want to go to bed. We are trying a "graduated extinction" with you - we let you cry for 5 minutes and then go to calm you down by rocking you or walking around with you, and get you back to sleepy, but awake and lay you back down.... then we wait 10 minutes before we go in the next time, etc. So far you are very good at resisting us, but the books promise us that it will work eventually, so that you will not cry at all when laid down sleepy. Some days you scream so much that you cry yourself hoarse. We cannot wait for you to go right to sleep when laid down!

You can just barely still fit in 0-3 months clothes, but we have started putting you in 3-6 month clothes so that you can match your brother. Plus, it's just easier to not have two sizes out in the drawers, with Daddy having to remember which clothes go with which baby. You have just moved up to size small cloth diapers, and still fit in size 1 disposables (which we know from our trip to Minnesota).

You still look a lot like Mommy, but you also look a lot like Jack now, too. If your cheeks were a bit bigger I don't think anyone but Mommy would be able to tell you apart. You are getting beautiful white blonde hair back in. It is still very thin, but long on top!

We are trying to train you out of your Miracle Blanket, but you are not having it! You are trying to learn how to suck your thumb, so whenever you have a hand out of your blanket you end up popping it in your mouth and knocking your binky out... and then you just scream until the binky is replaced! So we might need to wait until you have better hand control to get you sleeping free and clear.

You can sit up very well in your Bumbo seat, and have been able to for weeks now... You have always had such good head control and the Bumbo basically holds you up in every other way. You are a bit skinny for it, though, so you can bend yourself over to try to chew on the part between your legs. Sometimes you try to "plank" your body so that you are standing, but it doesn't work very well when you are in the Bumbo!

Bennett, 4 months old:

We love you both and are so excited for the decades of life we have to look forward to with you!

Love,
Mommy

"Jackson and Bennett: Months 1-3" Photobook

2011-06-14T13:21:00.002-04:00

Click here to view this photo book larger

Check out my newest creation from Shutterfly.com!

Three Months Old!

2011-06-07T22:45:00.007-04:00

Dear Jack and Benny,

Sigh. Your babyhoods are moving by too quickly. You are already a quarter of the way to one year old! Every day with you is better than the last and although I treasure every one these baby days and don't want them to end, I also look forward to giggles, sitting up, crawling, walking, talking, school days...

Jack, today you are 12 lbs, 2 oz! Some days I feel like I can barely lift you... But I guess that I will just have to get stronger because you are only getting bigger! You really do love to eat and you do NOT let me forget about a meal or push one late. It is very rare that I have to wake you up to eat. I can't wait to see the look on your face when we (eventually) introduce solids to you... I think that you will not ever want to stop eating when there is an endless supply!

You are starting to sing with Mommy, especially at night when you are sleepy. You like to hear "Jesus Loves Me" after I've put you to bed and you will coo along with me while I am singing. You have the sweetest little voice, which seems out of place with such a chunky little man... but I love it!

You have been cleared of blood sugar problems (at least on a regular basis) and so you are now eating every 2-2.5 hours during the day and doing an 8 hour stretch at night. Your eating schedule is 8 am, 10:30 am, 1 pm, 3:30 pm, 6 pm, 8:30 pm, and 4:30 am, with a little flexibility built in. Thank you for learning to sleep through those 11:30 and 2:00 feedings! Mommy and Daddy very much appreciate it. :)

You smile at everyone now, whether you know them or not. You are at your sweetest right after eating and love to coo and smile at Mommy or Daddy while your diaper is being changed. If you don't get a little less cute, Mommy is going to have a very hard time ever saying no to your sweet face!

Your favorite person (besides Mommy when it is time to eat) is Daddy. You get jealous when he spends time with your brother and will look over your shoulder at them while Mommy is trying to play with you. Yet again, I see where I fit into your world.

You are finally beginning to hold your head up better! It is so heavy that we never blamed you for being behind Benny in this skill, but I was starting to worry a little. (Isn't that a Mommy's job, though?) You can lift up your head/upper body while on your forearms, although you usually choose not to, unless you are particularly energetic.

You just moved up into 3-6 month clothing. You grew out of 0-3 months because of how long you are! You are also growing out of your Miracle Blanket (swaddler) and we have begun to teach you how to sleep without it. You now always sleep with your feet free because you are too long to keep them in, and we have begun alternating free hands during the day, so that you can learn to not wake yourself up with them. You are doing pretty well, although you do sometimes wake up at the 45 minute mark and aren't able to put yourself back to sleep!

Your favorite activity during awake time is definitely batting at things above your head (such as the animals in your bassinet), but you also like to kick in our bouncy seat that plays music when you move your feet. Benny doesn't quite have the hang of it, but you can do it like a pro and love to make the music play. You are also getting good at grabbing things with your hands... We think you are going to be the dexterous one!

Your hair began to fall out this week and I am very sad about this. I have read that babies' hair frequently changes when it comes back in and I loved your spiky 'do. You are really looking more like Benny now that you are balding...

Benny, today you are 9 lbs., 14 oz. You didn't quite gain 2 lbs. this month, probably because you had surgery and weren't eating well for a few days... But you will catch back up again, I'm sure! In any case, you are just about 10 lbs. and such a chunker! People who haven't seen you in a while gasp when I tell them that you are the little one!

Finally you have stopped screaming. You, poor thing, were in pain for the first 2.5 months of your life, apparently, because as soon as you had surgery to fix your hernia you turned into the happiest baby in the world. You almost never scream now (except when you are overtired and are having a tough time putting yourself to sleep) and smile and coo with the best of them. Mommy and Daddy are so happy that you are happy!

You have settled in a good schedule (the same as Jack's) and are eating every 2-2.5 hours during the day and doing an 8 hour stretch at night. Your eating schedule is 8 am, 10:30 am, 1 pm, 3:30 pm, 6 pm, 8:30 pm, and 4:30 am, with a little flexibility built in. You are my great sleeper and have been wanting to sleep through the night longer than Jack has, but Mommy has been waking you up with him. But no longer! You wake up with the biggest smiles in the morning because you are feeling so well rested and content.

You also love to smile during your diaper change. We do have to work a little bit harder to earn your smiles, but you freely give them to those you love. New people don't get smiles from you because you are too busy examining them. In fact, Mommy has a hard time getting you to smile for the camera because you can't figure out where Mom's face went and what the big black thing is!

Your favorite person is absolutely Daddy. Mommy will do when he isn't around, but when he is your eyes are locked on him. If he is holding Jack, you will watch him with big pitiful eyes until he turns his attention on you.

You are a master at holding your head up and can play "Super Baby!" now, holding your head up and arms and legs out when being held by the tummy. You also have just begun to sit up in a Bumbo chair, although you are quite curious about what it is that is holding you up. Your new favorite thing to do, though, is to stand up with support. It can be quite hard to get you to bend your legs and sit down to be burped because you would far rather stand up!

You are still in 0-3 month clothing although you are getting a bit long for it. You have worn some 3-6 month outfits, but you aren't quite as chubby as Jack, so you look a bit swallowed up. Mommy tried to let you "sleep" for a nap without your Miracle Blanket and you had no idea what to do with yourself... so we will let you keep sleeping in it for now, especially since you fit in it just fine.

You still love your Best Friend Bink, although you are not quite as dependent on it now that you are not in pain all the time. We leave it out mostly, except for when you are sleeping. You have taken to spitting it behind your crib at times, which means you have to do without it until the next nap!

Your favorite awake time activity is batting at things over your head, although you also really love to look at pictures in books. You still love Sandra Boynton and will smile really big for Mommy's animal sounds. You also love begin read to from the Bible, especially when Mommy tries to do a deep voice for God or one of the people.

My darling boys, I am so proud of you and am so happy to be your mother. I can't wait to see how you change and grow over the next month!

Love,
Mommy

Week 10: Getting a routine

2011-05-19T17:53:00.005-04:00

After the rough month we have had (mastitis, viruses for the boys, tons of doctors visits!), I have been very much looking forward to getting a routine to my day! This week things have just sort of fallen into one...

The boys are demand-fed, and pretty much eat every 2.5-3.5 hours during the day. They eat pretty close to the same times every day, although I think our schedule is less than 24 hours because it seems like things shift 30-60 minutes earlier each day. :-P But at least I can predict what my days will be like.

Most of the time, the boys wake up to eat at the same time. Phew! Then other days (like today), Jack wakes up every 2.5 hours and Benny comes closer to 3-3.5. That makes my day chaotic! When you are feeding two slow eaters (we're talking 45 minutes each here!), and not feeding them at the same time, a lot of your day gets eaten up.

Oh and a question pertaining to the slow eating thing... My husband seems to think that I should "train" them to eat faster by only allowing them a certain amount of time. Does that make sense? To me, they are just slow eaters (like he is!) and if I cut them off early they will just not get as much... Or can babies learn to eat faster?

The great thing about having a routine is being able to accomplish things around the house! I can usually manage to do laundry on my own, cook dinner, and eat my other meals, with various projects getting done. I haven't gotten into the swing of cleaning the house yet, so Jonathan usually takes care of that on Saturdays. But I'd say I'm doing pretty well so far for having 10 week old twins and getting as much done as I do. :)

Week 9: Medical Schtuff

2011-05-13T18:05:00.003-04:00

My poor babies. We had our two month pediatrician appointment last Friday and all hell broke loose for my little guys.

Bennett: Still the (fairly) healthy one, but we found out that he has an inguinal hernia and needs surgery. Boo. This will be taken care of on May 26th and then I think he will be a super happy baby! (We realized that a lot of his crying has been in pain! He just always cried like that, so we didn't realize!)

Jackson: Well, apparently a two month old shouldn't still be jaundiced. (They saw him jaundiced at one month old and told me that it was fine as long as it didn't get worse, which it didn't. I didn't realize that it was supposed to completely get better/didn't realize that he was really all that yellow, since he was always that color.) Poor guy had to get blood squeezed through a slice in his finger for 45 minutes until they had enough to run some tests to find out why he is still jaundiced (it's not breastmilk jaundice at this age). We found out from those tests that he has hemolytic anemia, which means his red blood cells break down faster than his body can make new ones and that is causing the jaundice. We need to see a hematologist to figure out what is causing the anemia. Then on Wednesday he caught a virus that we only discovered after a trip to the ER early Thursday because he would not wake up to eat... after 7 hours since his last meal! He had pretty low blood sugar, and even though he hadn't eaten for that long, this was apparently unusual, so now we have to keep a record of his blood sugars before eating 3-4 times a day and see an endocrinologist to determine why he dipped so low. Poor kid. He just cannot catch a break from the needles!

We would appreciate any prayers you feel like throwing up for us! I am trying not to be too worried, but of course I want my babies to be healthy and feeling their best!

Two Months Old!

2011-05-07T15:43:00.008-04:00

My darling Jack and Benny,

Wow, two months old! How can this be? It seems like just yesterday you were placed into my arms, and yet it seems like I have always had you here. What a blessing and a joy you are to your father and me... you bring sunshine into our lives every day!

Jack, today you are 10 lbs.! I know I said this last month, but WOW! What a big boy you are! You are getting bigger and bigger every day and I love that you are growing so well. I can barely lift you in your car seat, although that is probably more of an insight into how weak I am than how big you are.

You have found your voice this month. You still growl, but usually only when you have the hiccups. I love hearing you over the monitor... *Hiccup* "Grrrrr..." *Hiccup* "Grrrr..." You coo at the animals in your bassinet and at mommy and daddy when we read to you and have conversations with you. You have also begun to cry! You cry for about five minutes when we first put you down in your crib and you cry if mommy doesn't run to get you as soon as you wake up for your food! In fact, you have determined that your binky is NOT a substitute for mommy and you spit it out instantly. No more pacifer for you!

You are a big boy and you can only stay that way by eating all the time. You eat every 2.5-3 hours and have just begun stretching to 4-5 hours twice a night.

You gave your first smile to Benny, when mommy laid you down in your crib next to him at 6 weeks old. Your second smile was to daddy... and only your third was for mommy! I see where I fit into your world. :)

You went to your first church service on Easter Sunday and you were excellent. You growled a little because you were overheating sitting in your car seat in the stroller, but daddy held you through the rest of the service and you slept the whole time.

Speaking of sleeping, you have started staying awake for all of your awake times this month! I am so relieved.... Sometimes I thought you were going to sleep through your whole infant-hood. You love to bat at the animals above you in your bassinet, you love having books read to you, and you love sitting reclined in your boppy to stare at the ceiling.

Benny, today you are 8 lbs., 3 oz. I can't believe how big my little guy is getting! When I look back at pictures of you from weeks ago, I can't believe how skinny you were... and how chubby you are now! I love seeing you full of chubby wrinkles, even though they are very hard to keep clean in between!

You are still a screamer. In fact, you have screamed yourself hoarse twice this month! We found out yesterday at your two month appointment that you are mostly screaming in pain because of a hernia.... poor kiddo! Mommy can't believe she missed that. You love your binky still and it can always help calm you down. You are super vocal and love to talk to Jack, Mommy, Daddy... pretty much anyone!

You are growing so well and beat Jack to be the first one to regularly sleep through a feeding at night. Right now you eat every 3-3.5 hours during the day and do one 5 hour stretch at night. We have learned that we cannot wake you up to eat... You do not eat that way, you just sleep through the feeding! You need your rest and we let you have it.

Your first smile was for Mommy, right after you finished eating. You didn't smile for a while after that, but now you will give hard-earned smiles to Daddy, also. You are starting to become more of a smiler and I think that after you have your surgery next week you are going to become just as happy and carefree as Jack.

You went to your first church service on Easter, and you had to be taken out of the service! You were wide awake after worship time (you still love music) and then I think Pastor Leake scared you when he started his sermon. Mommy was thankful for a cry room that day.

You love your awake times still and especially love being read to. Your favorite book is "Moo, Baa, La La La" by Sandra Boynton. I think you mostly love hearing Mommy make a fool of herself with all of the animal noises.... but you smile so big for this book! You also love trying to hit the animals above your bassinet and I think you are trying very hard to purposefully use your hands! You have rolled over from tummy to back several times this month, although you won't do it every time we put your on your tummy. You also can lift your head very high off the boppy when we place you on your tummy in it!

I love you both so much! I cannot imagine my life without you.

Love,
Mommy

Week 7: Mastitis

2011-04-28T09:52:00.009-04:00

Oh yes, the week of Mastitis. I woke up Monday morning feeling dizzy and achy and eventually realized that I had a fever and was feeling awfully like I had the flu. Thankfully (yes, thankfully, because I am glad my babies cannot get this from me!), I also had a painful, hot lump in my right breast... which meant it wasn't the flu and just a bacterial infection in my breast. Phew! Please pray that the antibiotics won't leave me with a yeast infection! That is my biggest fear as a mom of twins who doesn't want the huge burden of getting rid of one in myself and TWO babies.

The antibiotics went to work quickly and I feel great again (which makes it hard to rest and finish recovering!). Back to our regularly scheduled program: I have to switch out newborn for 0-3 month clothing, prep the next size up cloth diapers, sun bleach the preemie cloth diapers (so I can return them to my friend!), swap out my winter/maternity clothes for spring clothes, clean my house, start cooking dinners, etc.! I love being busy, though, so this makes me happy. :)

I started switching out my winter for spring clothes yesterday and it is interesting to see how things fit... Most of the shirts will fit fine in, say, a year when I am no longer breastfeeding. But for now, my C/D cups are not really fitting my old A cup shirts/dresses. :-P My hips apparently spread like a wildfire during pregnancy and I am completely out of pants/jeans/shorts/capris/etc. except for anything with an elastic wasteband (which is two pairs of gym shorts, a couple pairs of sweatpants and maybe one pair of gym-ish capris). So sad, considering I had just stocked up on new Ann Taylor Loft pants and jeans last winter/spring (only on sale things, though)! Whoops! I have Stacy and Clinton's voices running through my head telling me to stop wearing those maternity jeans and sweatpants, so I have to get moving on new pants. (I am so afraid they are going to show up with their What Not to Wear crew on my doorstep some day!) I ordered a couple pairs of shorts from Old Navy in a few sizes up and am hoping those will get me through the summer.

The babies are getting SO cute and chubby! We got a smile from Jackson on camera, finally, and an almost smile from Bennett. I'm going to post a few of Bennett simply because when you take pictures of him, you get a different face in every shot. I took about the same number of Jackson and all except the smiling one had the same facial expression!

Also, Benny rolled over from tummy to back for the first time last Friday. Jonathan had just gotten home early from work and he got to see it - so special! I got Benny to roll over again yesterday, but mostly when you put him on his tummy he just gets mad. Jack has been SO CLOSE to rolling over a few seperate times, but just gets tired of trying too quickly. :-P

Jack's first on-camera smile!

Week 6: Smiles

2011-04-18T11:30:00.004-04:00

We have been getting some wonderful smiles at the Burnham home! Benny started smiling at mommy on Wednesday the 13th (I got him to smile four times in response to me... so I know it was real!) and Jack just gave his brother his first real smile (mommy apparently was not cool enough for it :-P). So in love with my babies!

I'm hoping to capture these beautiful grins on camera soon... Right now I am too enamored to run for a camera!

Birth Story

2011-04-11T22:58:00.003-04:00

Finally got my labor and delivery story written out, so here it is!

I actually went into labor the night before I was induced. Around midnight I started having contractions about 8-10 minutes apart and light back labor, which lasted all the way until they put me on the pitocin in the hospital. I think the boys knew that it was Monday, the day they were supposed to come. :)

When we got to the hospital, we had a room all ready for us, since it was a scheduled induction, so we went straight there and started getting hooked up! I was on a fetal monitor the whole time, an IV for saline and the pitocin, and a blood pressure monitor (definitely the worst part, since it would go off and squeeze my arm silly every 5-30 minutes for the next two days :-P). When I got there I was already 2.5 cm dilated and Jackson (with his bag of waters still intact) was at a +1 station. I believe the pitocin was actually started around 9:30, even though we got there around 8, because they were running around trying to find different pieces of information, like my GBS results (which sadly, weren't in yet, so I got antibiotics in labor, too) and whether they needed blood for various PIH tests. The pitocin didn't really make things all that uncomfortable for me because they started it so low and just gradually increased it. I think that by the time I was ready to deliver, they had only gotten it to half the maximum dose, so it didn't take very much at all. The pitocin immediately kicked my contractions to 2-3 minutes apart, 60 seconds each, but the most uncomfortable part was only about 10-15 seconds per contraction, so it didn't bother me much at all! I was on the increasing doses of pitocin until 12:30, when my doctor came back to check my progress. At that point I had only dilated to 3 cm, so she went ahead and broke Jackson's water. That was the worst thing ever. My light back labor went from not a big deal to HORRENDOUS immediately and I only made it an hour in that before I begged for the epidural. If they had let me out of bed I think I could have gone without it because the one time that I got up to go to the bathroom I felt so much better. But I was stuck in bed for all of the monitors and because they didn't want my blood pressure skyrocketing. :(

I was already going to get the epidural anyway for delivery because of the 50% rate of c-section for Baby B (They frequently don't cooperate after A comes out, with things like coming down on their cord, etc., necessitating an emergency c-section. Getting an epidural prevented the possibility of general anaesthesia.), but I was trying to hold out until at least 6 or 7 cm because of how it can slow down progress if you get it too soon. I felt awful for asking for it so early (thinking I was around 3 or 4 cm), but I just could not deal with the sudden intensity change of the pain without being able to change positions or walk it off. Turns out I actually dilated from 3 to 7 cm in that one hour period, which is probably partially why it hurt so bad. :-P

It took about 30 minutes (until 2 pm) for the anaesthesiologist to get there and get the epidural in (which wasn't painful at all for me) and then I was in heaven... I literally sang the praises of the epidural and anaesthesiologist for the next hour and a half that I took to finish dilating. It was actually a really well done epidural because I could still feel the contractions, but not the pain. I held out asking them to check me again until I was sure that I needed to push, which was around 3:30. I was 10 cm! Woohoo! They wheeled us over to the OR (all twins deliver in the OR in this hospital because of the chances of emergency c-section) and got Jonathan in scrubs and then it was time to push (around 3:45)!

For some reason, the doctor wanted me to push rather quickly (I was kind of interested in doing it slowly, myself, since I didn't want to tear), so I listened to her and pushed him out in 30 minutes, which was about 7 or 8 contractions. I could still feel when the contractions were coming and going, so I was able to regulate how I pushed myself and didn't have to listen to somebody else telling me when to push. I did tear a little bit, but it wasn't a very bad tear and it hasn't bothered me all that much. He was born at 4:17 pm, 6 lb, 7 oz, 18.75".

As soon as Jackson was out, they took him to the room next door to have NICU check him. He was an 8 on Apgar at 1 minute and 9 at 5 minutes... So very good! He didn't cry a whole lot, but then again, he still doesn't cry a whole lot. I didn't really get a breather in between the babies because before my next contraction I could already feel Bennett down in my pelvis. They didn't even get the chance to get an ultrasound on there to see his position - he was head down and ready to go by the next contraction, and actually slid right out in that contraction! He was almost 2 lbs. smaller than Jackson, so I'm sure that helped. He was born at 4:21 pm, 4 lb, 10 oz, 17.75". He started screaming immediately, so even though he was so little, I worried less about him before I got any news - I could hear him screaming the whole time until they brought him back to me. :-P He had the same Apgar scores, 8, then 9.

Apparently this was a pretty awesome twin delivery, considering how simple everything was and how easily they came out, with no problems. Praise the Lord! I sent the babies back to our room with Jonathan while they finished me up because the OR was freezing! It was probably good anyway because that was when I became the problem child. :-P Twin mothers tend to bleed a lot more because their uteruses don't clamp down well from being overstretched and that's exactly what happened to me. My placentas took a while to come out and I bled pretty heavily for a while. I started feeling really dizzy and lightheaded (even while lying down!) and told them, so they stuck me with two vials of ephedrine. Apparently the machine stopped being able to register my blood pressure, so it must have been very low... Then after the ephedrine, my BP shot through the roof and they kept me there to monitor me while it came back down.

The boys ended up avoiding the NICU entirely, although they both had low blood sugar when they first came out, and then Jackson had it again the next day or two at various times - so he eventually went onto formula, which kept him out of the NICU in the end (thank the Lord!). He came home on formula, but we weaned him onto the breast after my milk came in and he is only supplemented with expressed breast milk right now, as is Bennett. Preemies (even late term ones) tend to need to be supplemented until they would have been 40-42 weeks. I guess they just can't spend as much time on the breast eating because it is more important for them to sleep, so they tend to need to take part of their feeds by bottle, faster. We started last week to wean them off of supplements now, and they are doing great!

I had a more difficult recovery, with 24 hours on mag sulfate for the preeclampsia, then 30 hours of severe anemia before we decided to do the transfusion (nobody told us how bad off I was!), and then a better fourth day in the hospital, while my body got a little stronger with the transfused blood. I feel great now, which is lovely because without the transfusion they told us that I probably would have still been in bed for a month or two! Yikes!

One Month Old!

2011-04-07T23:06:00.006-04:00

Dearest Jackson and Bennett (Jack and Benny),

I can NOT believe that you are one month old already! Time flies when you are having fun (and also when you are never resting)! Every minute of every day since you two have been born has been the best minute of my life. All I can do all day long is praise God that you two are my dearest, sweetest babies.... and that I get to keep you!

Jack, today you are 7 lbs., 11 oz. WOW! That is almost mommy's birth weight (7.13)! You are my little chunky monkey, as you have been from the beginning, except you keep getting more and more rolls on you. I love having a chubby baby, especially when I know how little you really are... just barely the size of a 40 week newborn! You are so sweet, so silent... You just growl when you are mad. You did, however, cry the one time we tried to put you and Bennett in separate cribs. You love your brother so much! You are a serious eater and do not like to be kept waiting on food. "Jack Jack angry! Jack Jack want food!" is how we narrate for your growls of displeasure. :) You are not interested in staying awake yet. When mommy put you on your tummy the other day to practice holding up your (heavy) head, you fell asleep! I think you will be a tummy sleeper and a thumb sucker.

Benny, today you are 6 lbs., 6 oz. Every day you get closer to Jack's weight - you are my little fighter and you do not want to be smaller than your brother! You have started to get lovely, edible ROLLS on your neck and arms and legs and I love them! I can't wait for you to be full out chubby, since you were so tiny and skinny at birth. You are such a social little guy and love to stay awake listening to music, talking to mommy or batting at the animals above you in your bassinet. You often reject taking a nap, looking around at the crib, the walls... anything but sleep! You love your binky ("Best Friend Bink") and go almost nowhere without it.

I love you both so much and can't wait to see how you grow and change in the next month!

Love,
Mommy

Week 4: happy due date, babies!

2011-04-04T02:42:00.010-04:00

Finally, a happy due date to celebrate!!! My boys are four weeks old today and getting SO BIG. Jackson weighed seven and a half pounds and Bennett was six pounds yesterday! Woohoo!

They are the sweetest, best babies. Jack does not cry unless you absolutely torture him. (He growls like a bear when he is displeased.) He will, however, pee all over you at the drop of a hat. Benny is still such a fighter and is growing by leaps and bounds. I think he is going to catch up to his brother in size here soon!

They had some bad rashes, but we finally got rid of them with Calendula cream, an organic, cloth diaper safe cream. Cloth diapering is going extremely well... Benny leaks out of all disposables, so it's nice to know that everything is contained except when his diaper is actually off. :-P But really, we don't find cloth diapering hard at all! I love that I have one predictable load of laundry to worry about, rather than needing to run random loads in the middle of the night when they pee all over their bed and their miracle blankets and clothes. And the money we have saved! So wonderful.

We are convinced that they are going to roll over here soon. They both can get most of the way over, with just an arm stuck in the way. I think it helps that neither has much body fat to weigh them down with.

Benny has started having awake times, and he loves laying in his bassinet and looking up at the animals hanging above. He tries so hard to reach them! Jack has not figured out that this is supposed to be an enjoyable activity and usually falls asleep while he is supposed to be having his awake time. :)

Benny playing in his bassinet

They both had their first tub baths on Friday. I predicted that Benny would cry, but he actually enjoyed himself! Jack, ever his laid back self, was fine with it. Not sure he enjoyed it, but he was perfectly content to sit there and let us clean him. Which is good, since he pees all over himself and us about three times a day.

Jack, content after his bath

In other news, Jonathan sprained his ankle this weekend. He's supposed to be off it for a week... which translates in Jonathan world to three days. I'm trying to be strict with him, but we're still going to let him do one feeding every night so that I can sleep and recharge. Let me tell you, single parenting twins is a bit more difficult than I would have imagined... Not sure how you would survive it alone.

Growing, we do it every day!

2011-03-26T02:29:00.011-04:00

Aren't my boys precious?

I have some big boys! Apparently our supplementation plan (30 mL per feed with expressed breast milk, then 10 minutes on the breast) is working nicely... because I don't have a little 4 pounder any more. Jackson is 6 lb., 11 oz. (10 oz. in a week) and Bennett is 5 lb., 4 oz. (12 ounces in a week)! :)

Our boys are healthy and strong and we are so thankful. We can't believe that they are almost 3 weeks old! I also can't believe that I have managed to survive this long with only 1-1.5 hours of sleep at a time. It is amazing what God can enable us to do when we need to do it.

I am not taking for granted any moment of this time - I will sleep through the night again one day, too soon. How precious to know that my boys need me so often.

Jackson and Bennett

2011-03-16T13:21:00.003-04:00

Click here to view this photo book larger

Our boys are 9 days old! I can't believe it. We're very tired right now, getting about 30-45 minutes of sleep per two hour cycle, so sorry that I haven't posted yet! Here is a photobook I made for the boys, which has some good pictures as well as their birth facts. :)

Jackson had some problems with hypoglycemia and core temperature, but neither had to be admitted to the NICU and we only ended up staying one extra day. Thank you for your prayers!

Tomorrow!!!

2011-03-06T15:01:00.003-05:00

The news of the weekend is.... babies tomorrow! They are going to induce me at 8 am because my blood pressure has been creeping up and I will be full term (for twins, they bake a little faster :-P).

HOORAY!!!!!!!!! We are so excited and it was WONDERFUL to have an entire weekend to finish the last minute details, rather than going into labor unexpectedly and having to come home to laundry or a dirty house or no food in the fridge.

We won't have internet access at the hospital because our laptop is broken and away at Dell currently, so all you blogger folks will just have to wait for the announcement until we get back home! If you're my (or Jonathan's) friend on facebook, you'll probably get to see some pictures there a little bit sooner, if Jonathan is able to sneak home briefly and upload some.

Thank you for your prayers!

35 weeks: Check!

2011-02-28T11:26:00.003-05:00

Well, we reached 35 weeks! Wahoo! I have to go in for preeclampsia bloodwork today, so you could be praying that I don't have that... or that it's not a huge problem before I deliver and doesn't affect these last however many days of the babies' growth. I have a growth ultrasound, as well as BPP+NST on Wednesday morning and then my weekly OB appt. on Wednesday afternoon. I had a dream last night that when they checked my cervix at that appointment, I was already at 7 cm. But I'm pretty sure that's just wishful thinking. :-P

7 more days to full term. When next Monday rolls around I am done laying down all day - I'm pulling out the Just Dance II (Wii game) and climbing the stairs. (Actually, my aching knees will prevent both of those things, I'm sure, but the point is I will be doing everything to get these babies out.) But we'll see if we even make it that far!

Jonathan awesomely finished all of my baby laundry this weekend and got our pack-n-play set up in our room and I feel like we are just about ready to go to the hospital! We just need to finish packing our hospital bags. Well, the babies' bag is ready, so they won't be needing for anything, but my and Jonathan's bags are only partially done - we could survive with what I've got in them, but it'd be nice for him to have snacks and reading material and I need to get our baby books in them, etc.

Thanks for your prayers - I can't believe we are days (21 or less!) away from holding our little boys!

34w, 4d: Babies soon?

2011-02-25T15:10:00.012-05:00

For those of you non-facebook users (ahem, Bill and Jen!), I just wanted to update you with the latest news.

Yesterday I was feeling a lot of pressure on my cervix all day from Baby A's head... It seemed like he was trying to ram his way out of there! I had an appointment at 3:45, so I went in and of course it was an eventful appointment... They found protein in my urine (they tested on two different samples to make sure), which is one sign of preeclampsia (which I am doubly more at risk for because of the twins and gestational diabetes), and seeing as how my blood pressure has been getting fairly high around 130/75 (which is pretty high for me! I started at 90/60), I now have to do a 24-hour urine collection and some blood tests on Monday to see if I really have it or not. The worst that would probably happen with that is that they would induce earlier than originally planned because they want to avoid me having a stroke... But you gotta love racking up the "high risk pregnancy" factors. :-P

Then there was the other news... I am dilating! I went from closed two weeks ago to 1.5 cm dilated, 60% effaced and Baby A at -2 station (so he is starting to sink into my pelvis). Because of all of the pressure I am feeling, which is normal at this point for twins, I am now on bedrest, although she didn't actually use the word "bedrest." Basically, she told me our goal now is to make it to Monday, which is 35 weeks, and that reclining in bed will hopefully keep the dilation at bay. My goal is to make it to my brother Matthew's birthday, which is Wednesday, March 2 - 35w, 2d. We have a growth ultrasound that morning and it would be nice to be armed with weights of the babies, so that I can have a valid argument for a breech extraction of B - he was more than 1/2 lb. smaller than A last time and the gap is probably even a little wider now (just from their growth patterns, not because he isn't getting enough nutrients or anything). If I make it to Wednesday, then the next goal is full term on Monday, March 7!

I did have a bit of a labor scare this morning - contractions every 8 minutes for an hour, and then they slowed to every 15 minutes and then stopped. I called the doctor to make sure this was okay, and apparently we are no longer worried about stopping pre-term labor, so I'm not supposed to call the doctor back until I've had 6 contractions in an hour and things are getting closer together.... So WOW - I guess if I actually go into labor at this point, we will be meeting babies soon thereafter!

We have a few more odds and ends to do, mostly laundering blankets and sheets that we were waiting to do until after the vent cleaning that finally got done yesterday. I was hyperventilating a little bit this morning thinking that they weren't going to have clean blankets to bring them home in! But Jonathan will do those tonight or tomorrow and then we will be ready (at least materially, maybe not emotionally hehe)... eek!

We are so excited to meet our babies. Thank you for your prayers!

33 weeks: Happy birthday to me and three weeks to full term!

2011-02-14T10:29:00.004-05:00

Happy birthday to me! Glad that my boys held out this long, and hoping they don't come for a few more weeks, although it would be fun to share a birthday.

We had a couple great appointments last week... The boys passed their first NST/BPP (now weekly because of the Gestational Diabetes), they are both head down now(!), and they are chunkers, both over 4 lbs. already! Baby A is 85th percentile, and weighed 4 lbs., 13 oz.; Baby B is 50th percentile at 4 lbs., 3 oz. Wow, those are good sized babies already!

I will be full term in three weeks and while I am wanting to get to that point, I hope they won't stay in much longer than that!
- I have developed PUPP (an itchy pregnancy rash) over the past week and so far nothing is working for relief! My birthday present to myself is calling my doctor today for a stronger, prescription remedy. The rash started on my belly, but is now on my wrists and will probably spread up my arms and down my legs, as well (according to the books). Oh the things we have to live with for our kids' sake. :-P It's kind of sad to be missing out on my last few weeks of good sleep because of a stupid rash!
- Also, my ankles have disappeared over the past two days... and I kind of liked my ankles. I woke up this morning with puffy eyes from lack of sleep and puffy lips (who knows why!) and I looked pretty awesome, not gonna lie.
- My knees are groaning under the 50 lb. weight gain that they have endured so far and I am ready to lose this weight and be normal sized again (I'd even take 25 lbs. less, that would be fine with me)! Gotta love the twin breastfeeding diet.
- Also, not going to lie, being able to freely eat chocolate and cupcakes and all means of sugar again means that I will probably be binging on those things for the first few days after birth.

We got the boys' dresser in this weekend, so I am ready to finish the last few items on our to-do list before they are born! I am going to start baby laundry (clothes and cloth diapers) today and hopefully the folks who are coming to clean our vents will come today or tomorrow so that I can wash the babies' sheets and get their beds ready, too! So excited to have things all set up for them... I can't believe how close it is now!

I love you babies so much and can't wait to see you soon!!! But not too soon. Three more weeks and then you can come at your leisure. LOVE YOU BOYS!

30w, 4d: Head down and ready to go!

2011-01-28T13:26:00.005-05:00

I had a doctor's appointment yesterday with my Ob/Gyn. Everything looked great, including Baby A who is now HEAD DOWN!!! Wahoo! In the state of Maryland for a first time mother, Baby A has to be head down to attempt a natural delivery. There are only unlicensed midwives that would try a breech twin birth in a first time mom and they are probably unlicensed for that reason! Baby B can be whatever he pleases because they will try to turn him either during A's delivery or after it - the second baby frequently turns on his own during this time anyway, so having him head down is helpful, but not required. I did feel Baby B attempting to turn last night (wow, that is uncomfortable from how big he is now!), but I don't think he got there in the end - good try, baby! The other good news is that Baby A's head seemed to have dropped into my hips a bit, so hopefully he will stay put.

Also, I'm not dilated at all yet, so we're still good on the no bedrest front! That is a huge praise, since I have been expecting bedrest for a long time now. :)

I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes last week after failing my test, but the diet/finger pricking has not been bad at all, and I actually feel a lot more energetic and less moody, now that my blood sugars are fairly stable. Since I am controlling it well with diet at this point, no insulin shots needed!

We have our two cribs set up and two mattresses in them, and are currently looking for a dresser to purchase. I am really hoping to get one this weekend, so that I can start washing clothes and putting them away. Our room is full of gift bags of baby clothes (sorted by size), so it will be nice to have it less cluttered again. Also, I need to know what I still need so that I can ask for hand-me-downs and buy what I am not given.

I had my church shower this past weekend and we were truly "showered" with gifts! So many people have been praying for us to, first, get pregnant, and then for these two babies specifically, and I think they were a little bit excited to buy things for them! We received so many cute outfits, my twin nursing pillow, my breast pump and supplies, a personalized, handmade nursing cover, a bathtub, and so much more! I was just amazed at how generous everyone was and so thankful. And I've already almost finished my thank you's from that shower!

I am getting so excited for these babies to come into the world. Now that we are getting to a point where they would be fairly healthy if born (although they would still require a bit of a NICU stay at this point) I feel much more relaxed and can just enjoy these last few weeks of babes-in-womb.

Thank you all for your prayers! As I have been saying in my thank you cards this week, God has been abundantly faithful to us!

28w, 3d: At least one of the babies is photogenic...

2011-01-13T16:37:00.005-05:00

We had our next growth ultrasound today... Baby A was measuring 3 lb., 0 oz. (80th percentile, with a big noggin!) and Baby B was measuring 2 lb, 12 oz. (55th percentile). Baby A flipped back to breech and Baby B is still transverse (he likes floating above his brother where he never gets squished :-P), so we're still looking at a c-section, unless Baby A chooses to flip again and stay head down! Baby A was being absolutely camera shy, so we got literally zero shots of him. (I'm going to blame it on the fact that he stayed up ALL NIGHT LONG and thus slept during his photo shoot.) We did, however, get some AMAZING shots of Baby B:

What a cutie! I love how chubby his cheeks are getting. :) Wish I could say the same for his brother!!! Maybe next time...

28 weeks: no names yet, 3 lb. babies?

2011-01-11T10:26:00.004-05:00

28 weeks! The babies should be right around 3 lbs. now if they have been on track with their 6 oz./week over the past few weeks - we will see what they weigh on Thursday at our next growth ultrasound!

I had one episode of scary contractions (getting closer together, stronger, 6 in 1.5 hours!) on the plane ride home from Louisiana. Thank the Lord that the contractions ended and we didn't have to go to the hospital in Pittsburgh immediately upon arriving. (Or ever. I would not have wanted to be stuck in a hospital in Pittsburgh without my Jonny in town!)

I really am starting to feel the heaviness of these two babes - possibly it has something to do with them gaining 3/4 lb. together each week. They are gaining so rapidly and I am feeling it! I have reached the 40 lb. mark now (up to 129), which is great, but I am happy to know that a lot of these extra pounds will be gone in a few months - I do not sleep well, move well, etc., at this weight.

We purchased our cribs this week - I found them $70 off at just the perfect time! Now if only our dresser would go on sale like that. ;)

This week I have to get my Rhogam shot and take my second three hour glucose test. Sigh. Hopefully I will pass again! At least this time Jonny will be there to drive me home!

We haven't decided on that second name yet. It's down to about three or four choices that we have been throwing around for a while... But hopefully we will be able to decide soon!

Our next goal (according to my doctor) is 32 weeks. I think I can, I think I can...

A new look for the new year!

2011-01-04T11:21:00.003-05:00

Happy new year! We are super excited to be just two months away from holding our babies!

26 weeks: Bigger than Ever

2010-12-27T13:24:00.004-05:00

Well, we've hit 26 weeks today and I'm still feeling good! Yesterday I reached a new milestone with my first day of swollen ankles - I think I did a little too much walking around/standing, so I'll be trying to stay off my feet mostly for the rest of vacation. My hands are also starting to swell ever so slightly. Let's keep praying for no preeclampsia!

I felt "for sure" hiccups in each of the babies at separate times yesterday, which was fun. :)

I'm still not having too many contractions in a day, although I definitely get more when I walk around or do too much. But praise the Lord for no pre-term labor episodes yet - I'd love to keep off of bedrest for as long as possible!

Still no decision about names... although Jonathan and I do need to have a conversation about them while we are on break and he is rested and has time to do whatever he wants, rather than having to come home and cook for me and do chores after a long day of work!

We are so in love with these sweet boys and can't wait to meet them... in 9+ weeks' time (hopefully)!

24 weeks: These babies could live outside of me! (Scary thought.)

2010-12-14T10:24:00.009-05:00

I absolutely don't want my babies coming out for at least another 11 weeks, but I am so thankful for hitting the 24 week mark yesterday - my sweet babies could live outside of me!

Next goal: 3 lb. babies (about 27-28 weeks)!

Names
We are pretty sure on one name and trying to toss around a few options for the second name in our heads. The problem is that Name #1 has a shorter version (nickname) that we will probably always call that baby by, and we want Name #2 to have the same thing... But we can't agree on any nicknames that we both love! Not sharing the names yet, but here's an example: if we were going to name Baby #1 Nicholas, and always call him Nick, I feel like we can't name the other one Carter unless we were to always call him Cart (not just in passing), which is unacceptable to me. (Like the BSB reference there? Heh.) I'm not going to sign a card "Love, Jonathan, Abbie, Nick and Cart." So that is my conundrum. Is this not a problem? If you think I am being crazy and it would be fine to have a Nicholas who we always called Nick and a Carter who we always called Carter, please feel free to let me know in the comments. I guess I would feel like this was not a big deal for siblings, but with twins, I feel like their names should at least sort of go together (even though we are not rhyming them or starting with the same letter).

Weight gain
31 lbs. down, 19+ to go! I have finally caught up with the chart from Dr. Luke's book for recommended weight gain for underweight twin moms. And I am right on schedule, since she likes to see a majority of weight gained toward the front end of pregnancy (I think she said by 24 weeks). Go me!

Pre-Term Labor
Well, I have finally hit a point where I absolutely cannot push myself too far. If I am dehydrated at all (and we're talking less than 8-sixteen ounce glasses of water every day!), haven't eaten enough, go up the stairs too quickly or too frequently, do too much during the course of a day, etc., I get a contraction. Up until this point, God has been gracious to me in my slow learning and I haven't actually had more than one an hour (four an hour for two hours straight is considered pre-term labor). They usually frighten me enough to get me to down a huge glass of water and lay down. At least I know what they feel like now (because before I was worried that I wouldn't recognize a contraction when it came) and can watch for them. But my goal is to not have any triggered contractions (of course pregnant women will always get Braxton Hicks ones that you just can't prevent, but these also shouldn't trigger PTL) over the next week (and, of course, until I'm full term - but I'm taking it one week at a time here). This week is particularly rough for me because we are MOVING and I want to DO things. But although yesterday was quite productive, yesterday night proved that I did WAAAAY too much. So I'm off my feet today and I will be glued to the couch the rest of this week!

Gestational Diabetes
I passed my Glucose Tolerance Test - woohoo! Sadly, they are going to make me retake it around 28-30 weeks, since apparently the results can change.

Car
Fixed! Our friend gave us the name of his mechanic who fixed our $400 problem for only $60. HOORAY!

Olivia's first birthday

2010-12-07T11:02:00.003-05:00

Happy first birthday to my precious Livie! She would have been one today.

I am thankful for my sweet girl in heaven who is praising Jesus right now. But I really wish I could have seen her first steps and if she liked chocolate cake as much as her mommy.

It hurts to know that we should be partying it up with a one year old, but I am so thankful for the two precious boys kicking in my womb right now. Lord, please preserve their lives!

22 weeks: all is well!

2010-12-02T11:38:00.009-05:00

Well, I guess I go on record as worst mommy blogger ever. :) Our lives are just so busy right now, though!

What's going on lately:
-Jonathan's name list was at 295 names the other day and has been cut down to 211 thus far. We're making some good progess, folks.
-I have been doing a great job of gaining weight (except this week; I was 114 on Monday and dropped to 113 by today... I guess those 2 cups of ice cream every night really were helping!)
-My new doctor is AMAZING. So lovely. She asked me if anyone had spoken to me about vaginal birth and told me as long as Baby A is head down and not too much smaller than Baby B, we're good to go. She is not repeating ultrasounds on days that I have just had one at the peri's office, which is nice and saves my babes from some radiation exposure, and sits down at a table with me to have conversations, where I am treated like an adult. She actually cares about the things I say - like when I told her I am having some back and hip pain, she gave me a referral to a physical therapist (who healed my hip pain the first day and is going to work with me on my back).
-I just barely failed the one hour glucose test and have to go back for the three hour one on Friday. I am pretty sure I will pass it.
-And on a funny and totally unrelated note, we ran over something on the way home from Thanksgiving break and broke off a plastic bracket that was tying a plate on the bottom of the car to the frame. It is making an awful racket, but seemed to be driving without a problem. When I brought it to the Toyota dealership to have them check it out, they wanted to charge us $400 (four! hundred! dollars!) to fix it... but get this: it is just an annoying noise, nothing is actually going to fall off or break further. So yeah, we're living with a very loud car. If you hear that deafening rattling sound, it's probably just the Burnhams driving to church. :-P

From our 20 week ultrasound:

Sweet baby tootsies!

Cutest lips and nose!

18w, 0d: Boys! (and food questions)

2010-11-01T13:27:00.005-04:00

Who thought that I would be carrying twin boys in my womb? I certainly did not think so. I am almost halfway done! (And really, about halfway to full term with twins!)

My constant companion through this pregnancy is worry over my wee ones being too little when they are born. I am so little to be carrying twins and I did not have extra body fat anywhere on me before I was pregnant for them to eat off of later when I can't fit enough into my stomach. My doctors (who are useless and talk down to me and are being fired this week!) are on the opposite end of the scale from my worry and don't even comment on my weight gain ever. I asked for a recommendation of a dietician and they scoffed at me. "Just eat a lot. Around 3000 calories a day." But I don't know how one does that when one is trying not to make all her calories empty ones!

Any recommendations for meals that can be made in bulk and reheated throughout the week, are high in calories, protein, and preferably vitamins/minerals? Currently I have Jonathan make a large batch of chili once a week and that becomes at least one meal every day. I already drink about four glasses of whole milk every day. Ensure is too heavy for my stomach and makes me either 1) throw up or 2) not hungry for the next few hours, so it is not worth the 350 calories. I don't eat nuts, so that is out, and I'm not huge on cheese, but I will eat it if there are other tastes mixed in (such as in quesadillas or tacos). Any ideas?

16w, 3d: Can you guess the genders?

2010-10-21T11:39:00.004-04:00

Baby A

Baby B

For full disclosure, we had a guess of two boys at 12 weeks (but they can often be wrong on those earlier ultrasounds). Now we are at 16 weeks and we are sure this time!

13w, 5d: Never had a baby this big before!

2010-10-02T11:02:00.005-04:00

I'm alive and so are the babes-in-womb. Being pregnant with twins is a lot of work - not complaining, just making an excuse for not updating. :)

My little darlings at 12w, 2d:

Prayers Needed

2010-09-18T13:11:00.003-04:00

Please pray for my dear friend, Kiley, who found out yesterday that her baby, Levi, passed away in her womb. She lost a daughter, Avery, in February, so this is a compounded loss, so soon after the first.

Thanks,

9w, 3d and the munchkins are great!

2010-09-02T13:04:00.006-04:00

I had my first appointment at my actual Ob/Gyn's office today! I am seeing a midwife, but she is extremely knowledgeable and kind. They surprised me with an ultrasound today, which was a wonderful surprise. Sadly, Jonathan wasn't there because I was sure that they weren't going to do one! Apparently, since twins' heartbeats are hard to tell apart on Doppler, I will get an ultrasound at every appointment I have.

Our babies are both growing perfectly and are both measuring a couple days ahead of schedule now. One of the babies was perfectly facing the ultrasound probe and the other was a bit reluctant to have his/her photo taken, but we got great shots of both.

It was so sweet to see them wiggling around and to hear some very strong heartbeats. Thank you for your prayers! How good is God for giving us these sweet babies?

New look!

2010-09-02T12:59:00.002-04:00

It's about time, huh?

So sick....

2010-08-18T10:37:00.006-04:00

....and so happy!

Jonathan and I are expecting (fraternal) twins on April 4, 2011 (really, we're expecting them before then, but that would be my 40 week mark).

I am 7 weeks, 2 days today and sick as all get out. But as I throw up each and every day, what a joy to know that my babies are growing!

We had an ultrasound one week ago and saw two little fluttering heartbeats. One of the babies was measuring smaller than its dates, but he/she is surrounded with prayer and we are hopeful that he/she will keep growing appropriate to his/her own body! The other baby was measuring perfectly on time.

Five more days until our next ultrasound and our release from our RE's office!

Thank you for your prayers. I know that you have been faithful to pray for us because this is amazing beyond our wildest dreams.

I know there are two!

2010-07-30T09:52:00.005-04:00

Dear Twinkles,

Yes, I know this early that there are two of you! Not only was my hCG through the roof at only 17 DPO (880! that's almost 6 times what it was with your big sis Olivia on the same day!), but you have made your presence known very early, very strongly.

- I am only 4.5 weeks and I already threw up this morning.
- My uterus feels like pizza dough being stretched out extremely quickly - so much that I thought I was cramping for the past week, wondering when my next cycle was going to start, and that stretching is so strong that it is making my lower back hurt! Ouch!
-I also know that there were two eggs. I saw you both before you were alive!

You are so darling to me, my loves. I hope that we have the next 60-80 years together, but whatever time we have is precious to me!

Your daddy is bursting with love for you already. He has already tried to find the "What to Expect" book so that he can make me eat right, he called me several times yesterday to remind me of things I was not allowed to do any more (lift anything, run around, fall down the stairs, clean the bathroom or anything else). He is already calling you "the babies" and prays for you frequently.

We love you and can't wait to see you for the first time! Only two weeks, and yet it seems like it will be such a long time before then!

Love and hugs and kisses from your smitten mommy,

Waiting for the Morning...

2010-07-02T10:35:00.003-04:00

"Good theology is essential if we are going to suffer well. It will help us persevere during our trials, and it will give us hope. We believe that 'Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning' (Ps. 30:5). It is faith in our good and sovereign God that enables us to wait until the morning. But we must never forget that often the night is long and the weeping uncontrollable.

"No amount of good theology is able to take the pain out of suffering. Too often we allow ourselves to believe that a robust view of God's sovereignity in all things means that when suffering comes it won't hurt. God's sovereignity doesn't take away the pain and evil that confront us in our lives; it works them for our good.

"...After all, it isn't suffering if it doesn't hurt."

-Dustin Shramek, "Waiting for the Morning during the Long Night of Weeping" (taken from Suffering and the Sovereignity of God, edited by John Piper and Justin Taylor

I don't WANT to envy...

2010-07-01T20:23:00.005-04:00

...but some days I just want to SCREAM. Mostly at God. (Yeah, how awful is that?)

Can you tell that I'm having a problem with bitter envy today?

"A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones."
Proverbs 14:30

"For from within, out of men's hearts, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance and folly. All these evils come from inside and make a man 'unclean.'"
Mark 7:21-23

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud."
-I Corinthians 13:4

"But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. Such 'wisdom' does not come down from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, of the devil. For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice."
James 3:14-16

I would have had a one year old today!

2010-06-23T15:05:00.002-04:00

Happy would-have-been earthly birthday to my Max, who would have been one year old today. How quickly time flies.

I bet that you are having a much more rocking birthday party in heaven than I ever could have given you here, but I wish I could be there to see it! Glad to know that you are having a perfect day. :)

Love,
Mommy

Happy third anniversary, darling!

2010-06-15T14:34:00.000-04:00

Happy third anniversary to my darling Jonathan, the sweetest husband ever! I am so thankful for him and I wanted to list the ways:
1. You make me smile just by being in the room, and make me laugh with everything you say!
2. You know me better than anyone else (except God), and you still like me!
3. You are so considerate of me, and always thinking about what will make my life easier. You gave me your nice, new car for my old, dented van when you realized that I needed a reliable air conditioner!
4. You watch my shows with me (ahem, Bachelorette and Kate Plus Eight) and don't complain. In fact, for my sake, you pretend that you care! You go... See More shopping with me and carry my bags and my purse and try to give me opinions on things that you don't care about.
5. You would never forget our anniversary or my birthday. You make them both so special for me.
6. You always see the cup as half full and remind me of my blessings when I need it the most.
7. You clean the kitchen for me every night without me asking you to and without any complaining, even though you had a long day at work.
8. You keep our home at peace; even when I am upset, you never fight back.
9. You work hard every day to take care of our family, but you never come home with a bad attitude, even though I know there are hard days.
10. You are constantly overlooking what you want for what I want. You are generous to me with everything you have.

Forgot to post on Friday :)

2010-06-15T14:28:00.003-04:00

I guess my follicle just needed a day off because Friday it had grown to 18.0 mm and we triggered that evening.... so all done with shots for this month! (And hopefully for a long time, if I conceived!)

It seems like the conditions were perfect for conception, so it is up to God to decide whether I am going to conceive this month or not. Isn't it wonderful that although we don't know our future, we can trust in the One who does? Whether I am pregnant or not, praise to Him for an easy month of fertility treatments.

"For men are not cast off by the Lord forever. Though He brings grief, He will show compassion, so great is His unfailing love. For He does not willingly bring affliction or grief to the children of men."
-Lamentations 3:31-33

Taking a break?

2010-06-10T12:05:00.004-04:00

Today I needed to sleep post-appointment so that I could get back to myself...

...but here's the update: my uterine lining looked perfect - "triple stripes," which apparently is what you want a baby to implant into.

Oddly, neither follicle had grown since yesterday - still 15.8 and 12.4mm. So, I'm praying that that just meant the eggs inside were maturing rather than wasting energy on simply growing. Or maybe they just took a break because of the yucky weather yesterday and didn't want to work so much.

I appreciate all of your prayers. I know God is hearing them and letting us give this whole pregnancy thing the best chance it's got!

Happy 18 months in heaven, Max!

2010-06-09T09:50:00.005-04:00

One more post today, since I happened to notice that today is the 18 month anniversary of Max's heavenly birthday! What a journey the past 18 months have been, and how privileged am I to have a son who is in front of the King worshipping Him forever. I can't wait to sing this song with you to our Father's face!

The Revelation Song by Phillips, Craig and Dean
Worthy is the
Lamb who was slain
Holy, Holy is He
I sing a new song, to Him who sits on
Heaven's Mercy Seat

Holy, Holy, Holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
Who was, and is, and is to come
With all creation I sing:
Praise to the King of Kings!
You are my everything,
And I will adore You!
Yeah!

Clothed in rainbows, of living color
Flashes of lightning, rolls of thunder
Blessing and honor, strength and
Glory and power be
To You the Only Wise King,
Yeah!

Filled with wonder,
Awestruck wonder
At the mention of Your Name
Jesus, Your Name is Power
Breath, and Living Water
Such a marvelous mystery
Yeah!

Holy, Holy, Holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
Who was, and is, and is to come,
With all creation I sing:
Praise to the King of Kings!
You are my everything,
And I will adore you!

And again!

2010-06-09T09:28:00.004-04:00

Everything looked great today - oddly (for me), I am very close to ovulating, and only on CD8! I have one egg that is 15.8mm and one that is 12.4mm. (18mm or greater will usually ovulate...) I may be ready to ovulate tomorrow, so they are probably going to want me back in again then. If I'm not ready tomorrow, then I will most certainly be ready by Friday. I think I would prefer not being ready until Friday because I want those eggs to have another day to mature! (Just because a follicle is large enough to ovulate doesn't necessarily mean that the egg inside is mature.) Plus, I'd love to have two eggs ovulating and not just one... increase my chances of pregnancy and maybe twins. Which would be great since we don't know where my fertility will be a year from now!

I'm feeling very upbeat today - I am so thankful for your prayers and for knowing that my joy is not based on a happy report (although that is always a nice blessing!), but on the salvation that I have in Jesus Christ.

I Will Rise by Chris Tomlin

There's a peace I've come to know
Though my heart and flesh may fail
There's an anchor for my soul
I can say, "It is well"

Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead

And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise

There's a day that's drawing near
When this darkness breaks to light
And the shadows disappear
And my faith shall be my eyes

Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead

And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise

And I hear the voice of many angels sing,
"Worthy is the Lamb"
And I hear the cry of every longing heart,
"Worthy is the Lamb"

And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise

Perfect? Moi?

2010-06-07T11:08:00.004-04:00

I heard a word from my RE today that I have never heard him say before: perfect. As in, "Everything looks perfect."

Hooray!

I haven't heard back from the nurse yet about my E2 (estradiol) levels, but I currently have two or three follicles that are growing (I guess the two were a little more advanced than the third, but it might catch up) and my lining is already at 5.6 mm on day 6 (compared to two months ago when it was only 5 mm on day 9!).

Perfect!

Three self-administered shots down, two more before my next appointment.

"When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider: God has made the one as well as the other." Ecclesiastes 7:10

(I wanted to end this post the same way as the last because, well, it just fits.)

Good and Bad

2010-06-04T10:43:00.006-04:00

So, there's good news and bad news. (I am really forcing myself to look on the bright side. Right now, it just seems like bad news to me. I have to keep telling myself that it could be worse.)

Good news: I had 4 follicles on my right ovary and 2 on my left today. I am starting Bravelle this evening.
Bad news: with so few follicles, I am very unlikely to respond well to the drugs that I am taking (and paying $50 per dose for).

More good news: at least we are only aiming for 1-2 mature follicles (unlike IVF, where you really want a lot). I seem to still be getting one every month.
More bad news: We won't be doing IVF ever (with my eggs), it looks like. If I am a bad candidate now, I can't imagine what I would be a year from now, once we were actually able to save up our money!

"When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider: God has made the one as well as the other." Ecclesiastes 7:10

May it be said of me...

2010-06-02T11:22:00.003-04:00

"Lord, I am willing to-
Receive what you give,
Lack what you withhold,
Relinquish what you take."
-Anonymous

Am I willing to receive suffering and grief?
Am I willing to lack living children?
Am I willing to relinquish another child to Him?

Would I be more willing if I could make my heart understand that He alone is the giver of good things (Luke 11:9-13, James 1:17) and that my trials are joy, because they are creating perseverance in me (James 1:2-4)?

These and many more questions on my heart today as I start on the first round of injectible treatments.

Happy first heavenly birthday, Olivia!

2010-05-17T11:22:00.007-04:00

It is hard to think that my baby, my Olivia, has already been in heaven for a year! But it is true... Every day I think to myself, one day closer to my babies... But today, I can actually say one year closer to my babies! What a joyful thought!

Olivia, I love that I don't have to wish for you to have many more happy years; I know you will! I am so happy that you are happy and actively spending your days bringing glory to the name of God! I can't wait for the day that I get to join you praising His name for eternity. To me, it seems like it is so far away, but it is getting closer every day!

Exalting in the LORD

2010-05-12T11:36:00.004-04:00

I survived Mother's Day - actually, I would say I more than survived. I smiled some, I cried some, and I was so thankful for sweet friends and my kind husband who all helped me get through it. And the sweet thought that maybe next year I will have a baby.

Now I have to get through next Monday... Olivia's first heavenly birthday! What a joyful and yet sad day.

"Though the fig tree should not blossom
And there be no fruit on the vines,
Though the yield of the olive should fail
And the fields produce no food,
Though the flock should be cut off from the fold
And there be no cattle in the stalls,
Yet I will exalt in the LORD,
I will rejoice in the God of my salvation.
The LORD God is my strength
And He has made my feet like hinds' feet,
And makes me walk on my high places."
-Habakkuk 3:17-19

Mother's Day

2010-05-07T10:48:00.002-04:00

I can never say it better than Stacy and Shaina.

My heart is hurting in anticipation of Mother's Day. Give a little love to those who don't have their children with them this Mother's Day. Give your children a little extra love for those of us who can't.

Back on the (Infertility) Treadmill

2010-05-04T22:10:00.004-04:00

After one very short month off, I'm back on the infertility treadmill. Had my conversation with my doctor today about the plan for the next few treatment cycles. We're going with injectibles but no IUI (thankfully, he was totally with me on that not being necessary). Even though we won't be starting until my next cycle begins, we have lots to do to even prepare for that day, so we have to start now!

Next up, injectible classes and ordering our first round of medications. Wouldn't it be awesome if this worked the first time around? (Wow, okay, that was a little too optimistic for me. Back to reality.)

What IF?

2010-04-28T16:09:00.028-04:00

April 24-May 1 is National Infertility Awareness Week. As a 25 year old IF patient who may not have many years left with my own fertility, I wanted to share about my infertility journey and to connect you all to others who are going through similar circumstances.

What IF every state passed a law that would require insurance companies to cover fertility treatments and A.R.T. so that people like me and my husband wouldn’t have to choose between their mortgage or having a family?

My husband and I have had a multitude of conversations about having children. They started out simple (are we ready to have kids? yep.) and have become increasingly complicated (is he willing to consider having children that are not biologically related to either me or both of us? not yet.). Let me share some background for those of you who may not have read my story before.

I was married at age 22, and pregnant at age 23 1/2 after only two months of trying. Before I started trying to conceive there was always a nagging thought of, what IF there is something wrong with one of us? It was a tremendous relief to get pregnant so quickly.

But as quickly as it started, it ended. I was diagnosed at 12 weeks with a blighted ovum (a pregnancy where, most likely due to genetic reasons, a fetus does not form, only a sac is present). I was stunned. I had to medicinally abort my baby. Everyone told me, "you're young! You will have another one in no time at all."

And they were right. I got pregnant three months after losing my first and was elated... for three days, until the fever and bleeding at 4 weeks pregnant meant that all was not right. They followed my HCG closely and we were able to see our baby three times with a beating heart, although she was measuring smaller than I thought she should be. We saw her alive and measuring 9 weeks and they told us all would be well. And then I lost her three days later.

I refused to go through another miscarriage without testing. The Ob/Gyns who I saw all sounded a bit ticked that a 25 year old with ONLY two miscarriages would bother having all of this testing done, but I was convinced there was something wrong.

Thankfully, I didn't listen to those Ob/Gyns and eventually found my way to an RE who diagnosed me with poor ovarian reserve, a heterozygous compound MTHFR mutation and a septate uterus. Strikes 1, 2 and 3. Thankfully this isn't baseball, and I'm not out yet.

As of May 17, it will have been one year since I was last pregnant. Thankfully we did not waste that year trying solely on our own before seeking help; we have already tried Clomid for three cycles (let's just say that Clomid and my uterus didn't get along) and are now moving onto Injectibles (daily injections of HCG) to improve the quality of my eggs (without IUI or IVF, since my "piping" obviously works).

And now I get to my what IF. My husband and I have always tried to be fiscally responsible. We currently owe nothing to anyone and are planning on keeping it that way (except possibly a house one day). Our insurance, the best we could find from the government, covers exactly zero dollars for any infertility medication and zero dollars for even doctor's appointments, if they are related to a treatment cycle (which thankfully does not include "timed intercourse cycles," which is what we are currently doing). Although we are racing against a clock that no one can see, we will hold off on IUI or IVF (probably our best chances of conceiving) until we have exhausted the other options and until it is possibly too late.

Can you imagine what it would be like to never be able to conceive a baby of your own? Can you put a number on how much you would be willing to spend to be a parent? Infertility is a disease. Perhaps not a life threatening one, but it certainly affects your entire life. People get health care coverage for diseases that they gave to themselves (i.e. lung cancer from smoking, heart disease from eating poorly and not exercising). Why shouldn't infertility that we didn't give to ourselves be covered? Should we have to choose between fiscal responsibility or never being parents?

What IF you, yes, even those of you who get pregnant from one round of unprotected sex, wrote a letter to your senator asking them to pass a law to require insurance companies to cover fertility treatments? What IF they listened?

Please visit these links for more information on infertility:
RESOLVE: What is Infertility?
RESOLVE: National Infertility Awareness Week
Bloggers Unite: Project IF (Part 1)
Bloggers Unite: Project IF (Part 2)

Why God Created Women

2010-04-27T13:01:00.004-04:00

I love my husband, but sometimes it is painfully obvious why God created women.

Got into San Jose last night safely and proceeded to have the following conversation with my hubby on the phone:
Jonathan: Where are you? Terminal A or C?
Me: Terminal C. I just walked outside. Are you at Terminal C?
Jonathan: Yeah, turn left, I'm at the far end.
Me: Okay, coming, but it might be a few minutes, because that's the other end of the terminal. (Pause for a few minutes, finally get down to the other end.) Ummm... where are you?
Jonathan: I'm at the end of the terminal. Are you sure you're at Terminal C?
Me: Yes, I see several signs that say Terminal C.
Jonathan: Okay, try the other end. I'm near Door 5.
Me: Oh, I'm at Door 1. (Walk all the way back to the other end of terminal.) Uhhh, there's no Door 5.
Jonathan: Yes, I'm parked by it.
Me: Well, the sidewalk ends and I'm at Door 3. There is construction and I can't go past it.
Jonathan: Wait, what terminal are you at?
Me: Terminal C.
Jonathan: Oooh. (Pause) I'm at Terminal A.
Me: (Sigh.)

Sunshine Blog Award!

2010-04-23T09:37:00.005-04:00

I'd like to thank the academy... which I suppose is Bethany from Confessions of a Chosen One. You should all check out her blog for another inspiring, positive blog from a neat Christian gal.

This award is given to blogs that inspire others, and show positivity and creativity. I think my husband would laugh if he heard that because I can be such a pessimist at times!

Some suggestions for the award:
1) Put the logo within your blog or on your post
2) Pass the award onto 10 fellow bloggers
3) Link the nominees within your post
4) Let the nominees know they have received this award by commenting on their blog
5) Share the love and link to the person whom you received this award from.

My nominees:
1. Mimi at Mochamama
2. Charity at Considering It All Joy
3. Ali at The Feldman Family
4. Laura at Blessed

Guys, I won't be offended if you don't do this! I just wanted to let you all know that I find you positive and inspiring. :) I'm sure that there are people I'm forgetting here, but I have things to do and places to be, so gotta run!

What I am learning from counseling

2010-04-19T23:03:00.003-04:00

"Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Phil. 1:6

"He who is carrying it on is not one who can be baffled and forced to give up his design. He is able to carry it out in the unlikeliest circumstances and against the most resolute resistance. Everything must give way before Him. This thought is, I confess, to me one of the most comforting connected with the discipline. If it could fail! If God could be frustrated in His designs after we have suffered so much, it would be awful!" -Horatius Bonar

"Remember how the LORD your God led you all the way in the desert these forty years, to humble you and to test you... He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna... to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD." -Deuteronomy 8:2-3

I don't think I can say it any better than these verses have said it. Thank you, Laura, for walking through this time with me!

New spring look!

2010-04-11T20:05:00.003-04:00

I realized that I NEVER update my blog look any more, so I'm going to switch to a new look for every season instead of every month... :)

Ode to Spring and the Green, Green Trees:

God has not promised me a child!

2010-04-05T16:25:00.006-04:00

But he has promised so much more...

*peace - "Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful." John 14:27; "And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus..." Philippians 4:7
*good - "And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28
*joy - "Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy." Psalm 126:5
*endurance - "Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials,
knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." James 1:2-4; "No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it." I Corinthians 10:13
*redemption! forgiveness! - "In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of His grace which He lavished on us." Ephesians 1:7 "Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." Romans 8:1
*perseverance in my faith - "What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who is against us? He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him over for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things? Who will bring a charge against God's elect? God is the one who justifies; who is the one who condemns? Christ Jesus is He who died, yes, rather who was raised, who is at the right hand of God, who also intercedes for us. Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? Just as it is written, "FOR YOUR SAKE WE ARE BEING PUT TO DEATH ALL DAY LONG; WE WERE CONSIDERED AS SHEEP TO BE SLAUGHTERED." But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:31-39
*a better future - "And I heard a loud voice from the throne, saying, "Behold, the tabernacle of God is among men, and He will dwell among them, and they shall be His people, and God Himself will be among them, and He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away." Revelation 21:3-4

Financial update

2010-03-23T15:25:00.001-04:00

A really quick update: we got 20% off of our future treatments that are not covered by insurance (so IVF and IUI). Praise God!!!

No more Clomid headaches!

2010-03-16T09:25:00.001-04:00

Sadly, it looks like the Clomid this month was too much for my body. I have one follicle that is ready to ovulate, but my lining is only 5 mm this time (as opposed to 7.5 mm last month, which was already thin). We are going to try estrogen still, but it is likely that I will ovulate on my own very soon and the lining probably won't thicken after I ovulate. The doctor said he has only seen a few pregnancies acheived with a lining that thin in his 40 or so years as an RE... So the good news is that I shouldn't be too disappointed at the end of this month, since I'm pretty sure I won't be pregnant. The other good news is that I won't have any more Clomid headaches, since I won't be taking Clomid any more! Woohoo!

Thanks for your prayers. We're most likely going to take a few months off to let my body rest and recuperate, so we probably won't have any updates for a while. Unless I actually start blogging again. :)

Prayer request

2010-03-13T19:46:00.001-05:00

I have a very specific prayer request for the next week: please pray that the Clomid does not block the estrogen receptors in my uterus.

(If you're interested in the medical facts: Clomid's job is to block the estrogen receptors in the brain, which it is doing, but it is also blocking them in my uterus, which prevents my endometrium (lining) from getting thick enough to support a pregnancy and also prevents me from having fertile quality cervical mucus. This is why we will have to switch from this medicine to a much more expensive, injectable medicine the next cycle we try.... so we'd rather this cycle work!)

I will be taking extra estrogen after I finish the Clomid to hopefully counteract this, but it may not help if the Clomid is blocking the receptors!

My praise is that I have not had a single headache from the Clomid this cycle!!! That is amazing. :) :) :)

Infertile people have a lot to remember. Good thing we're not pregnant.

2010-03-10T09:16:00.011-05:00

It's a good thing I'm not pregnant now, because there is just too much to keep track of. (I don't mean to complain; just thought I'd share a bit of my daily confusion and why I might be a bit off.)

Prescriptions
What I am taking, when I am supposed to start and stop, how many per day, how I take them (orally, injected or, ahem, another method), what strength. And it all changes from month to month. For example, I took Clomid on days 5-9 for the last two months (100 mg the first month, 50 mg the second month), am taking it days 3-7 this month so that I can start Estrace earlier in an attempt to improve my cervical mucus quality (the doctor doubted it would help, though, since my Estrogen is already fairly high and Clomid is an estrogen blocker - greeeeat). And since the Prometrium from last month gave me joint pain, I'm switching to another form of Progesterone with a name I don't remember currently. Good thing I'm not taking it yet. Oh, and I have to remember to pick them up from the pharmacy in the first place!

Appointments
When you are going to see the doctor at least once per week, on different days each week, it's hard to remember which day you are supposed to be scheduling your next appointment for. Last month I went for my second checkup on day 12, but this month it's day 9, which is.... what day, since my period started Monday? Who knows.

Bills
It's a good thing I pay my bills the instant they come through the door because if I didn't, they would never get paid. I can no longer keep track of how much I owe each different place (Shady Grove, Lab Corp, UMMC) and if I've paid them or not. It doesn't help that they don't bill right away; I just got a bill from November. It's March, people! How am I supposed to keep track of four months worth of bills? Do you know how many times I have been to the doctor's office since then? I don't even know!

Keeping a Record for Taxes
Trying to keep a record of all of my medical expenses for taxes is also a pain. How many times have I gone to the doctor's office in Baltimore so far this year? 8? 10? How many times have I gone to the doctor's office in Annapolis? How much was the parking this time? What about last time?

Update: not pregnant

2010-03-05T09:34:00.001-05:00

It wasn't good news on my pregnancy test yesterday (negative); in fact, it was even worse news than we thought: the doctor says I am not responding to the Clomid as well as we thought initially and now we are going to need to try stronger treatments (that cost much more). Basically, we are working against a clock that no one can see and he doesn't know how much time we will have and wasting time on Clomid when it is not working that well is not a good idea in the world of infertility.

We're trying one more month of Clomid with some injectibles after the Clomid to try to encourage my body a little more. It would be great financially, emotionally, and in the hopes of having more than one pregnancy (and thus, more than one child) if we could get pregnant this next month. But we'll see. God has opened up the barren woman's womb before; maybe he wants to show his glory by me getting pregnant after the doctors have given up.

Please pray for our marriage especially, we're very stressed about all of this and I'm an emotional mess with my hormones being all over the place from the various medications. Also, the stillbirth of a baby at church has ripped open old wounds that were healing, so that is making things worse, my struggling with depression and grief. Jonathan is such a great guy; he can take my bad (and quickly changing) moods to a certain point, but anyone would break after being pushed too much. :(

Financially, we are going to apply to Shady Grove's Shared Help program, which means for procedures that our insurance doesn't cover, they will waive a certain percentage of fees (from 10 to 50% based on income). Please pray that they will be generous with us and give us the best percentage that they can. Also, please pray that we will find a good solution for the fertility drugs, because we have zero coverage for those and they can get expensive.

Also, this new news has given the devil a chance to put it into my mind that we are somehow working against God in all of this. I don't think that is the case, as we have been blessed in so many ways throughout this, financially in having coverage for so many more things than we should have had, medically, for getting us into Shady Grove Fertility with zero waiting time because my RE was joining their practice. In any case. I think I listen to the deceiver more than I should, so please pray that God will give me the strength to fight him.

I'll leave you with my favorite verses:

I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.
Wait on the LORD; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the LORD!
-Psalm 27:13-14

Please pray that I can keep seeing the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. I am having a hard time waiting especially when I feel as if I am running out of time.

Hopeful

2010-02-16T10:17:00.020-05:00

I'm just going to throw this out there and let you all know how my crazy mind works. There is a robot that has been following me around my mind lately. His name is Ovutron, and he says, "Ovulate! Ovulate!" over and over again in his creepy robot voice. He also carries around a syringe to stab me with on cycle day 12. If I could draw, Ovutron would have his picture featured on this blog. :)

I got great news today! There is one egg that is ready to ovulate and two more that are still growing (yeah, I'm feeling that) and will possibly ovulate. So maybe one, two or three babies, but probably no more than that... which is perfect. So tonight I get to inject myself with Ovidrel (an ovulation stimulating drug), which will help the egg(s) finishing growing and make me ovulate sometime on Thursday morning.

The medications for this cycle haven't been too bad cost-wise (especially since our insurance doesn't cover them at all); I think we've spent around $120 for those. We don't know what the monitoring will cost us yet... Our insurance may cover it (except 10%), but if not, it is $590 per monitoring (with us having two days of monitoring) for a grand total of $1300 per cycle... So please pray for us that the insurance will cover the blood tests and ultrasounds! Or that we get pregnant right away!

Speaking of pregnant, I get a blood pregnancy test two weeks from Thursday... so March 4th might be my new favorite day. :) (Although since it brought one of my favorite cousins into the world, it's already an awesome day. Love you, Emily!) Don't you all go calling me on March 4th now!

I don't know the results of my husband's tests... Apparently patient confidentiality prevents them from telling his wife. I'm hoping the doctor will call him today and let him know - and that they will be all clear! Oh, but the great news is that we didn't have to pay for his karyotyping!!! We were very grateful for that, because it could have been several hundred dollars.

Another prayer request is for my headaches... Clomid has been giving me pretty constant bad headaches... and sometimes they make me grumpy. :(

Update at 10:27 PM, approximately 3 hours and 45 minutes post shot:
Yikes, that is a fierce headache. Also, I would be okay NOT feeling my eggs maturing. Really.

Would you do it?

2010-02-05T13:28:00.007-05:00

This past Monday I was so sure that I was pregnant. If I had had a million dollars to bet on it, I would have done it. My temperatures in my LP always drop by 10 DPO, 11 at the latest, and at 12 DPO they were continuing to be in the range that has only ever meant pregnancy for me. I also went from being hungry for one or two meals a day to eating three plus snacks in between. My breasts were sore, and I was nauseous and bloated in the evenings. I was feeling dizzy after standing at work for 3-4 hours.

But then I tested on Tuesday (13 DPO) and got a negative. Say what?!?

Well, guess what my (not so) beloved nurse told me later that day... Clomid can change your LP! Thank you for letting me know that when I started taking it, so that I wouldn't get my hopes up! Why wouldn't you tell me that before?

I actually made it to 14 DPO with high temperatures and then my temp finally fell below my coverline on day 15 - yesterday. AF showed up today.

I called my nurse yesterday to start setting up this month's treatment cycle, after I was sure that AF was on her way. Well, really, I just called to ask when I could come in for my Clomid prescription because I wasn't supposed to be coming in for any appointments.... But wait, there's more! They actually want to full on monitor me for these treatment cycles... Which would be fine if my insurance covered it at all. But it doesn't. Therefore, if we go through with this treatment, it will cost us $900 per month for a 25 freaking percent chance (per month) of getting pregnant. And forget my chances of actually carrying that baby to term... I mean, they're slightly improved over my chances without the Clomid, but still.

I was convinced that we were done with medical expenses and our mostly drained savings account hasn't had a chance to be replenished yet. We currently have enough money to do one cycle at that price and probably two more after that with what is coming back from the government in refunds, but I don't like to live life without an emergency fund.

So my question is, would you do it? And what are my chances of finding a doctor who will do an unmonitored Clomid cycle? Is that a reasonable request?

Wow! Look at me go!

2010-02-01T11:26:00.002-05:00

A new blog look on the first day of the month. Well, I'll be darned.

Better News

2010-01-24T23:05:00.003-05:00

No, I'm not pregnant yet, but here's the better news:
1. Only three more tests and then we're done! And... only one of them is on me! Woohoo!
2. The MTHFR mutation shouldn't mean that I need blood thinners. Just a possible vitamin problem that is pretty easily taken care of with extra folic acid.
3. No thyroid problem - the first test was just a fluke!

I ovulated on Wednesday and it was painful. Here's to hoping that means I ovulated more than once. Although not too many times... I am a pretty small person after all.

Good News

2010-01-14T15:21:00.003-05:00

I got good news today: my ovaries responded quite well to the Clomid - my FSH is at 10.5 (down from 10.7 last week) and my estrogen is 748, which is a great response. What they didn't want to see is for my FSH to shoot up, which it didn't, so we're happy with the results.

No thyroid results back yet; I'll probably get them at my follow up appointment next Thursday and we'll see where to go from there. We also have a genetic counseling appointment tomorrow at 1, where we'll figure out what genetic tests we need in regards to the MTHFR mutation.

Problem #4

2010-01-07T19:18:00.005-05:00

I went in this morning for my Day 3 ultrasound and bloodwork. I was really impressed by the efficiency of the Shady Grove office. I got to my appointment about 20 minutes early and got seen almost right away. I was out of the building by 10 minutes after my appointment was supposed to start... Wow!

The good news is that on my own I had 3 follicles in my right ovary and 7 in my left. My LH and estrogen were normal. My FSH was still higher than normal at 10.7 (over 10 is considered "high"). My new medical problem of the visit (and, yes, I have come to expect a new problem at each office visit) was that I had an elevated prolactin and TSH levels, which suggests yet another problem (hypothyroidism), if the results were not just a fluke. We'll be retesting those either later this cycle or maybe next month (the nurse wasn't super clear on when) and if they are still high, I get to go see an endocrinologist to get put on medication, hopefully just temporarily to straighten things out.

We're continuing on with the Clomiphene Citrate Challenge Test this month - prepare ye the way for hot flashes.

Next appointments: January 14 for retesting of the FSH levels, January 15 for genetic counseling for the MTHFR mutations (to discuss next steps).

P.S. I started a part-time job at Ann Taylor Loft today. Hooray for employee discounts!

Updates on medical stuff

2010-01-05T12:10:00.002-05:00

It's Day 1 of my new cycle today, which means it's time for the Clomiphene Challenge Test. I called the Shady Grove office today, but their message said they were CLOSED for the holiday... Is today a holiday?

Anyhow, I need to make an appointment for an ultrasound on Thursday or else I have to wait another month for this test! I do NOT like waiting, so I had better not have to wait again... (Although praise God that my cycles are never longer than 29ish days. I don't think I could do the waiting that some women have to do!)

I also made an appointment with the genetic counselor yesterday to discuss the MTHFR mutation and what needs to happen with that. Thankfully even though I think our insurance won't cover that appointment, the maximum price we'll pay is $135. That's doable!

New Year, New Hair, New Look

2010-01-04T12:43:00.009-05:00

I think this is the hope inside of me roaring up - maybe if I change my hair, my year will be different than the last? If I'm not pregnant now, it's on to the clomiphene challenge test next week. I'd love to be pregnant right now and not need the (somewhat expensive) medical help, but then again, if the clomid will improve the quality of my eggs, I will take it willingly and gladly.

Here's to hoping we won't be staying awake until midnight next December 31.

If infertility were the lottery, I would be a millionaire.

2009-12-17T07:32:00.013-05:00

Let's begin at the beginning. Yesterday was a followup appointment to the second FSH/estradiol/LH reading I had done on Monday. My FSH was actually okay (7.5), but my estradiol was really high at 121 and it artificially lowers the FSH value, so basically you can take that to mean the same thing (my FSH was probably high). So, we're continuing on with the clomiphene citrate challenge test. That was supposed to be the end of the appointment.

But it wasn't. When I had my progesterone tested a few weeks ago (which was fine, thanks for asking), they also ran a few test for some really rare blood clotting disorders that hadn't been tested for yet. I believe the words of my doctor were, you will not have one of these disorders, but just to cover all of our bases, we'll run these tests. He ate those words! I DO have one of those really rare blood clotting disorders, the Methylenetetrahydrofolate reductase (MTHFR) mutation. But wait - there's more! There are two types of mutations for the MTHFR gene and I have.... BOTH! (I only have one copy of each, though. I might have given him a heart attack otherwise.) This RE has never seen that in a patient before. Goooooooooooooooo me!

Lucky for me, this means that if I ever get pregnant I get to inject myself twice a day with Heparin or once a day with Lovenox (blood thinners) every day of a pregnancy. I also may get to take extra Folic acid for the rest of my life, since folic acid works along with the MTHFR enzyme to break down homocysteine (an amino acid). My RE was not super familiar with this problem, so I'm headed back to... my original doctor! Dr. Atkins, the lovely woman who passed me on to Dr. Blanchard for my septum, who passed me on to Dr. McClamrock for my other problems. I bet she'll be super excited to have me back!

Okay, so to summarize the various ways that I should never be a mother, I not only am going to have trouble getting pregnant (good thing we're starting early!) with any baby, much less a baby that has good genes, but once I get pregnant, my babies are very likely to be miscarried or born too early because of both a septate uterus and a blood clotting disorder.

If infertility were the lottery, I would be a millionaire. Since it isn't the lottery and I am not a millionaire, I can't afford to pay for it. Which means that these doctors are going to have to be very surprised when God takes control and helps me deliver a living baby.

Thank you, Lord, for helping the doctors find these problems, and thank you for the children that I should never have, but will have because you care about me and my husband and our desires! I can't wait to see them and tell them their story...

December blog look

2009-12-14T17:34:00.001-05:00

Yes, I've finally decided to change things up around here... I know you all were very confused about how long August was lasting.

Yet another problem... sheesh.

2009-12-11T21:36:00.007-05:00

Okay, the update that everyone has been waiting for. Sorry, this has been a hard week, with Olivia's due date and the anniversary of the worst day of my life (Max's 12 week ultrasound, where we found out there was no baby), and I have been thinking and not wanting to write much.

Last Wednesday was my first appointment with an RE, Dr. McClamrock. In regards to my septum, he told me a very similar story to what Dr. Blanchard had said: it is muscular, possibly/probably not what is causing the miscarriages, and very hard to take out (because it is muscular, not fibrous), so he'd like to leave it in for now, unless I have one or two more miscarriages, in which case we will rethink. He also took a look at all of the other tests I have had run and that is where we come to my second problem.

It turns out that my FSH (follical stimulating hormone) from October was a 10, which is within the normal range (which is why the other doctors overlooked it), but not normal for someone my age... More normal for a 35 or 40 year old. So we are looking at me having poor ovarian reserve, if the October test wasn't a fluke and the blood test I have on Monday confirms that number. Poor ovarian reserve means that my body has to work harder to produce an egg each month, and when it does, the eggs are often of poor quality, which would be another possible explanation for the two miscarriages. After confirming a high FSH number on Monday, I am going to go through the Clomiphene citrate challenge test in my January cycle, which means that they will test my FSH level on day 3 of my cycle, then I will take Clomid for days 5-9, and then they will retest my FSH level on day 10 to see if I am responding to ovarian hyperstimulating drugs. The Clomid may help my body produce an egg (0r hopefully many eggs), which would help me get pregnant, and have another shot at a healthy baby.

The doctor did say "age trumphs FSH," which means that I, as a 24 year old, am more likely to eventually have a child than someone who is 35 with the same FSH levels, but he also did say that one or two or more miscarriages are likely. At least someone is finally telling me the truth, eh?

Interestingly, my new RE was part of the University of Maryland Medical Center group, but is switching over to Shady Grove Fertility Center on Monday. I guess God wanted me at Shady Grove anyway - but just sped up the process a little bit. Thanks, God.

Happy birthday, Olivia!

2009-12-07T11:26:00.005-05:00

I just know you are having a great big party up in heaven today. I only wish I could be there!

Max, give your sister a big birthday hug and kiss from mommy and daddy! We love you both so so very much.

Lots of love,
Mommy

Uterus Update

2009-11-30T09:59:00.010-05:00

The MRIs are done, and I got a call last Wednesday about the results. It turns out my septum is largely muscular (not fibrous) and is not the kind that my doctor (or the RE she consulted with) would be inclined to remove.

The dotted line that you can barely see in the picture is where they would need to trim down to to make my uterus normal, but it would also leave a large area of scarred tissue that would be bad for implantation; basically, it could leave me infertile, which they don't want to do. They are also hopeful that because my septum is muscular, it would have proper blood flow for a growing fetus, which is not the case with a fibrous septum.

They can act aggressively and take it out, or they can act conservatively and leave it, which is what they are inclined to do. The only other option is to do a diagnostic D&C and look with a camera, with the possibility of taking anything out that they felt should come out at that time. The problem is, I'm not sure I want to pay them several hundred (or maybe up to a thousand) dollars to just look around and not do anything. I'm not even sure it would give me greater peace of mind.

Dr. Blanchard recommended that I should meet with Dr. McClamrock, the reproductive endocrinologist (infertility doctor) that she consulted with, before making any decisions. I was a bit frustrated by this, as a new patient appointment with an RE can be several months away. God blessed us thoroughly, though, and got me an appointment with Dr. McClamrock this Wednesday (December 2) at 10 am - wow. I am just glad that we (hopefully, barring that D&C or any other tests he wants to do) will not have to wait any longer, and that I got in so quickly to see him. Praise God.

I'll update after that appointment on Wednesday... Maybe next month we'll be trying again!

No surgery date yet

2009-11-18T09:15:00.005-05:00

I had a semi-useless consult this morning. My MRI results from yesterday were not ready yet, and Dr. Blanchard wanted to see them before deciding if she wants to go forward with the surgery or not. I guess she wants to weigh the possibility of scarring vs. how much of a problem she thinks my septum is (because of its small size). So, nothing yet, folks. I'm supposed to get a call either later this week or maybe next Monday or Tuesday.

There will be a pretty small window of opportunity for this surgery to be done next month, especially since we are travelling on the 24th - by my count, it could be done the 17, 18, 21 or 22, preferably earlier rather than later because of the travel. I'm thinking, though, it may be put off until January... If you want to, you could pray for a perfect spot to open up in her calendar - in my eyes, the sooner the better, since we have to wait several months after the surgery to start trying again!

MRI Rescheduled

2009-11-17T08:33:00.003-05:00

I started reading a "romance" book by Nora Roberts last night, but realized about 20 minutes into it that it had a serial killer and lots of violence! Because of my awful imagination and the fact that it keeps me up at night for those kind of things, I decided to just keep reading and finish the book (I'm a super fast reader), which I did around 3 am. As I thought, justice would be served by the end of the book, and my brain didn't need to play over the scenes when I should have been sleeping.

In any case, I got up at 8 am this morning to call my doctor's office about the MRI appointment. They couldn't see anything in their system, so they had me call radiology, who said it had, in fact, been cancelled. However, they still had the appointment open, so I'm rebooked and going in at 12:30 for registration before the 1 o'clock appointment. I'm not supposed to eat for four hours before the procedure, so I actually need to run and eat right now - only 24 minutes left! :-P

Thanks for your prayers - everything is working out so far!

Last minute MRI

2009-11-16T18:12:00.004-05:00

It turns out that somebody at my new doctor's office scheduled me for an MRI tomorrow at 1 pm, but never bothered to call me. Lovely. So I got a call from the Radiology department (I think) this evening, reminding me of my appointment, but since I had no idea about the appointment and told her I had a subbing job for tomorrow already, the woman told me to call and work things out with my doctor's office.

After I got off the phone, I decided just to cancel my sub job and make this appointment tomorrow, but now I'm worried that the woman I spoke with may have cancelled my appointment! Would you all pray that I can still get in tomorrow? I guess Dr. Blanchard (my new doctor) wants this done before our appointment on Wednesday, and I think not having the MRI might mean we would have to put off the appointment, which means putting off the surgery, which means putting off getting pregnant again!

I'm going to call my doctor's office first thing in the morning (they were closed when I got off the phone with the radiology person). Please pray that all will go forward!

Not pregnant!

2009-11-14T16:35:00.004-05:00

No hitch this time around. I have a consult appointment on Wednesday morning at 8 am and have to get an MRI at some point soon. I'll update when I have more info!

I need to be NOT pregnant right now.

2009-11-09T12:00:00.007-05:00

Calling all prayer warriors! I need major prayer over the next few days that I am not pregnant.

Why, might you ask? Because it turns out that I do have a uterine septum and that it will need to be removed. My not-so-sure-that-your-two-miscarriages-weren't-just-awful-luck doctor turned into a Houston-we-have-a-problem-but-thankfully-we-can-fix-it doctor today. A normal uterine lining is 12 mm and mine was 20 at the fundus - which makes a septum, I am told. Searching google has told me that with a septum my miscarriage rate is around 80%, and with a hysteropic resection it drops to 17% (under the general population rate of about 20%) - WOW, I will take that second number.

Boy, am I glad that I saw that stupid septum when the other doctor didn't.

Two months ago, both my Ob/Gyn and the doctor who performed the sonohystogram swore up and down that my two babies' lack of development was 95% likely due to genetic problems. But today, I was told that it probably was implantation on the septum that caused the problem. (You see, there isn't good endometrium on the septum to give a growing baby the necessary blood flow.) And they just let me sit around for two months believing that I just had really awful luck!

Luckily, the procedure for removing this is a cinch, and doesn't even necessarily require cutting anything (other than the septum itself, of course), unless they want to perform a laproscopy and use a camera and light for better accuracy (so they don't go too thin). The biggest risk is cutting too far into my uterine wall, which would require me to have a c-section later, rather than being able to vaginally give birth.

In other news, my hormone levels were all perfect, and there were no signs of any of the autoimmune disorders that she checked for.

But here comes the prayer part: my period is due on Thursday (or maybe Saturday, my ovulation day was semi-ambiguous) and because the doctor at the sonohystogram appeared to think my uterus normal, we TRIED to get pregnant this month (and last month, but thankfully that didn't work out, since I had the swine flu when I got my period). Please pray that God in his infinite wisdom knew better than us foolish people and did not allow this! Or if that's not the case, that the baby would implant in a good location and be in that 20% chance of making it to a live birth.

Most importantly, I am glad this means that my Max and Olivia had a purpose - they are saving my other children's lives. Thank you, my sweet babies!

National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day

2009-10-15T19:32:00.006-04:00

I had a rather peaceful day today, which was not what I expected on my first October 15 on this side of pregnancy loss.

Last October 15, I took my first positive pregnancy test, and knew the pure bliss of motherhood for the next 8 weeks. What a joy those 8 weeks were. If only I could go back...

On December 9 my husband and I found out that our baby had not formed properly and that we would not be bringing him home in June. We named him Max Samuel.

Then in the end of March, we learned that we were expecting another baby. We had the great joy of seeing her several times via ultrasound. Her little heart beat for three and a half weeks, and then she was gone. Her name is Olivia Faith.

Thank you all for lighting your candles in memory of my babies and of yours. I felt at peace knowing that others were remembering my babies and knowing that I wasn't alone today in mourning. We won't forget them!

I love you, Livie and Max! Mommy misses you so much!

Sonohystogram

2009-09-28T21:13:00.000-04:00

I'm back from my appointment. It took a long time to check in and a long time to wait to be seen, and then about an hour for the procedure - but it's finally done. Phew!

The first part of the exam was a transvaginal ultrasound. The technician could readily see that I have a partially bicornuate uterus and commented about that. Otherwise, I looked normal in that part of the exam.

After he was done with that they began the procedure to fill up my uterus with saline. That took a while to set up, but not so long to actually do. Once they were in there they took a couple 3D ultrasound images as well as some 2D ones. The news was pretty much all good - no polyps or fibroids, definitely an arcuate uterus (the top or "fundus" of my uterus is concave instead of convex or flat), with a very small, teensy weensy septum. The doctor said she absolutely wouldn't worry about it because it was so small, and it may not even be considered a septum - there is a specific length that it has to be before it will be defined as such. An arcuate uterus is considered a variation of a normal uterus and shouldn't cause miscarriages, although some studies have found it more likely to cause them in the second trimester.

The whole thing wasn't too painful; there was definitely some strong cramping when they injected the saline (you could tell my uterus was like, WTH?). I was glad that Jonathan was there to drive me home, though, because I was shaking like a mouse when I was done (too nervous and cold and tired from holding my legs up).

My genes are normal

2009-09-21T13:58:00.002-04:00

Hello everyone,

I thought I would post an update about my appointment today, even though that would mean posting TWO DAYS IN A ROW. Wow, go me.

First of all, I must say "welcome to the 21st century." This office had a digital scale, a digital blood pressure taker, and probably a really nice ultrasound machine (although I did not get to experience that). A very nice change from my old Ob/Gyn's office!

Second of all, thanks for those quick prayers! Dr. Atkins had gotten my entire humongous pile of records from MIT. Woohoo! She spent about 15 minutes delaying my appointment to go over them before she talked to me - but at least she had them!

The appointment itself was good. We spent a lot of time with her explaining the various possible reasons for recurrent miscarriage (yep, I already knew all of that, thanks), but it was good because she was also able to go over my test results from MIT and tell me what was not wrong with me (since you'll remember everything was negative). It turns out that they had looked at my chromosome, which is NORMAL, as well as all of the exciting inherited thrombophilias, again NORMAL (I am thrombophobic); they checked for lupus and some other antibody disease, NORMAL, thyroid, NORMAL.

The possibilities we still have to test for are, in the order of probability:
1. Structural anomaly - sonohystogram
2. FSH and progesterone levels on Day 3 of my next cycle (since it was suckily Day 4 today) - blood tests
3. A few more thrombophilias, the ones that are not inherited - blood tests
4. Jonathan's chromosomes - we probably will not check this unless we find nothing else wrong. Chromosome problems are usually the mother's, since chromosomally abnormal sperm don't swim normally and rarely beat out the normal sperm to fertilization.

It turns out that my uterus is heart-shaped, or bicornuate, (thanks to none of my past doctors for telling me this!), which is okay unless I actually have a septate uterus, which means a septum (or thin layer of skin) running down the middle of my uterus. If this is the case, then I would have a very high risk of recurrent miscarriage, unless this is surgically corrected. There are also other possibilities for structural anomalies, such as fibroids or polyps, although a septum is the most likely anomaly in my case.

I have a sonohystogram scheduled for next Monday. Super fast service! The blood tests are all going to be run on my next CD3, as long as that is not a Saturday or Sunday, since they aren't open on weekends. I will meet with Dr. Atkins again on November 2 to discuss all of these results and what we should do next.

Get your news! Daily news! Fifty cents!

2009-09-20T20:47:00.010-04:00

Okay, so I have tons of things to write about today, but we'll start with the oft-requested picture!
(Disclaimer: this photo is barely processed, since I cannot get Photoshop to work right now. Ignore the pimply face, please.) Sorry that this is so long in coming, I just never had decent looking hair after work this week... so it took until Saturday to take!

News #1:
Real women don't date Yankees fans. Love you, Que Sarah Sarah!

News #2: We found our church today! Hope Bible Church is a non-denominational church that is absolutely perfect... for both of us! I had no faith that we were going to find a church that made us happy, especially not one that we both thought was perfect, but that is what we walked out of the door today saying.

They sang hymns and praise songs, had at least 45 minutes of exceptional expositional preaching (and today was just the pastoral intern! We heard amazing things about their regular pastor), in-depth, exciting classes after service, and the friendliest people ever, including "the other" electrical engineer at the church and his wife (who are also new and want to invite us over to their house!). AND THERE WERE SO MANY PEOPLE OUR AGE!!!!11!1!one1!!1eleven! (as Brian would say).

News #3:
I have already done three substituting jobs (in high schools all three times), and I must say that I absolutely love teaching. It is a bit stressful (especially when you have a high maintenance teacher like I subbed for on Friday) and tiring (when standing on your feet all day long running from student to student to keep them on task), but so much fun and really rewarding. Hopefully I will pull myself together some time this week and write a post about it. :)

News#4:
I have my first "recurring pregnancy loss" appointment tomorrow at the University of Maryland Medical Center in Baltimore. I am really looking forward to possibly getting some answers and to being pregnant again soon! There were so many pregnant women today at church and I really just wanted to be one of them: a normal pregnant woman who doesn't worry about if her baby will actually make it past 12 weeks this time. Okay, so I won't be that non-worrying person anyway, but at least there is a possibility that my next baby could make it past 12 weeks!

It might be too late for this, but you could pray that the Women's Health Center could find the records that MIT mailed them. As of last Monday they were missing in action and MIT wouldn't fax them or send the whole set again (I had them resend the test results from June, at least), and I'm really hoping that my doctor will have information to work with.

News #5:
I just ordered this printer along with three full sets of ink cartridges....for free! When we signed up for Verizon Fios, their current deal was that you could get a free netbook from HP (one of those mini computers) after paying your Verizon bills for two months. Well, we just passed the two month mark and got our certificate... and realized that we didn't have to use it on a netbook (which we didn't really want or need). So, we had $299.99 to spend on HP's website! We really, really needed a new printer, and decided to get the Officejet 6500 Wireless All-in-One (we really need the scanning/copying function, too!).

News #6:
I'm sure that you could have lived without knowing this, but I needed to share this with other women who might understand me (since my husband just kind of nods his head at this kind of information)... I am having the most wonderful, sweet period ever. I never would have thought that I would call a period wonderful or sweet, but this one has just been absolutely magical after the hellish nightmares of the past four months. TMI, I know. But I just needed to share.

Job!

2009-09-11T14:15:00.003-04:00

Today was orientation for my new job as a subsitute teacher. I was so nervous, even though I knew this was just an orientation, and I didn't sleep well at all last night! That made it very difficult to get up this morning at 7.

The weather was awful on the drive over to the Board of Education. Torrential rain and traffic on MD-100 on top of that, so I had to drive really carefully, all the while fighting the urge to close my eyes.

Orientation was great (well, as great as watching training videos and presentations can be). There were probably 30 people there, a lot of them were new graduates who couldn't find teaching jobs, so they're stuck subbing until budgets improve. Sad. :(

Regardless of budget cuts, the Board of Education gave us free copies of the Substitute Teaching Handbook from Utah State University's Substitute Teaching Institute. I had looked into buying this book earlier this summer (and searched every Maryland library for it to no avail), so I'm glad I didn't spend the $20 on my own! That was really nice of them. Go Board!

I can't start working until they get my name entered into the system... Which probably won't be until next Tuesday or so. I'll definitely write all about my first day once I've had it!

P.S. I got my hair cut on Wednesday, but you're going to have to ask very nicely if you want me to post a picture (it's not bad or anything, I'm just lazy!). If I get enough requests, maybe I'll have Jonny do a photo shoot tonight. :)

I got contacts.

2009-08-31T13:49:00.007-04:00

I had them in high school, but they turned the whites of my eyes into the reds of my eyes and I looked a bit like a monster. So I stopped wearing them. But as that was close to eight years ago, my eye doctor and I both thought that "breathable" contact lens technology may have progressed enough to enable me to wear contacts... I'm keeping my fingers crossed! So far, so good.

In an effort to aid my eyes, we decided that a chemical based cleaning system was probably not a good way to go, and I got this awesome UV/ultrasound cleaner. The UV kills off any bacteria on the contacts and the ultrasound will shake any dust/particles off of the contacts. Really cool, right? The chemist in me had to have this as soon as I heard about it! (Although the chemist in me also shies away from the thing whenever it is on... That purple color throws off so many cancer warning signs in my head!)

Why my eye?

2009-08-27T13:45:00.004-04:00

Can anyone guess why I am showing you a picture of my eye?

P.S. Also, what color would you say my eyes are? I'd normally say green, but they look almost blue this close up. Hmmph.
P.P.S. Please ignore the dark circle under my eye. If anyone has any solution for getting rid of those (I'm getting plenty of sleep, thank you very much), let me know!
P.P.P.S. I hope no one 50 years in the future will be able to gain access to some record of mine because I posted a picture of my eye on the internet. Ah, privacy concerns.

UPDATE:

Good guess, Amy, but not correct! Anyone else?

The Big Plunge

2009-08-18T16:22:00.007-04:00

I finally took The Big Plunge and made an appointment to finish my recurrent pregnancy loss (RPL) testing before trying to get pregnant a third time. I'll be seeing a high-risk pregnancy doctor in Baltimore, who will finish the testing that I wasn't able to have done in Boston before we moved. She will also be able and hopefully more willing to monitor my next pregnancy more cautiously than an regular Ob/Gyn. My appointment isn't until September 21 (not too bad for a brand new patient), so we will have to be careful to not get me pregnant next cycle! Less than five weeks to go...

I decided to get testing before a third pregnancy because of an online talk I heard from a RPL specialist at Shady Grove Fertility Clinic. He basically said that although doctors used to make patients wait for three miscarriages, it's hard for them to tell patients that they need to wait for a third dead baby to have testing done, especially with the low difference in chances of miscarrying after a second and third loss. A lot of patients with unexplained RPL have successful pregnancies with TLC and a few harmless, possibly helpful treatments (like baby aspirin to help prevent clotting and progesterone in case of low progesterone, even though they don't know if this actually prevents miscarriage or not). After listening to his talk, I felt a little less crazy for wanting testing done now.

It's hard to not know anyone in real life who has had two losses before any successful pregnancies. Sometimes I feel like everyone around me is thinking that I must be a hypochondriac, that I'm just making this up. Or that because I am pessimistic in general that I am blowing this up to be a bigger deal than it is. It's hard, too, because I'm not a part of the infertility sisterhood. I felt like I couldn't make an appointment at Shady Grove Fertility Clinic because I could be taking the spot of someone who can't get pregnant on her own, and that wouldn't be fair. I can get pregnant on my own, rather easily, I just don't keep the babies.

I was thinking about skipping trying to get pregnant next month, anyway. I can only imagine the terror I would have had to have another baby due in June, to have another loss in December. Although part of me thinks, hey, why shouldn't I let the bad dates pile up in December; then I will just have a really, really rough month instead of spreading out the loss throughout the year. (I found out on December 9 last year that Max had died; I miscarried him on December 14; Olivia was due on December 7 or 16, depending on whether you trust the U/S date or my dating.)

What would you have done?

Me=hired

2009-08-12T23:32:00.006-04:00

Who would have thought that there was a job left in this economy? Apparently babysitting teenagers is NOT a high priority position (Maybe it's the lack of benefits? Or the possibility that you will not have a job every day? Nah... probably just the dealing with teenagers part) because I was hired to be a substitute teacher for a nearby public school system. Woohoo!

Now we can have a countdown to when Abbie can finally start working! (See above.) Cha-ching!

My backup plan was to get myself a position at Ann Taylor Loft. (Believe it or not, they were also hiring, at least as of a few weeks ago.) 1) I could sell their clothes to anyone, I am a great salesman of things I believe in; 2) I already wear Ann Taylor Loft every day, so it's not like I would have needed a whole new wardrobe; 3) Can you say employee discount? Cha-ching, cha-ching! I would have walked out of there with a net gain of zero in the bank account, but some rather lovely additions to my closet.

You know what? I actually think I've seen a bunch of places hiring around here. Maybe the problem with the rest of the country is that all of the government's money is going into the defense industry, which is basically here. So... if you're looking for a job, maybe you should move to Maryland/DC/Virginia! And be my friend!

And on that positive note, here is a lovely video of a Democrat making a fool out of herself. What better way to end a happy post?

Recharged... but draining

2009-08-10T12:54:00.010-04:00

Sorry for the lovely little outburst on Friday. I get grumpier and grumpier as the week goes on - probably from sitting inside all week long and not seeing anyone but my cat and husband. The weekends usually recharge me and get me ready for a new week of sitting inside... but it's a very vicious cycle.

Here are some pictures of our weekend with our life group visitors! We went into DC on Saturday and has a great, but exhausting day of seeing monuments and museums.

This horse was very talkative! He yelled at Jonathan for walking by, and then proceeded to drink out of the fountain.

Ticked off.

2009-08-07T17:07:00.004-04:00

Okay, seriously? Everyone in the freaking blogging world is pregnant (or just had a baby) except me. This is why I no longer read my blogs - why bother? I know what's happening anyway.

Pg 56 Sentence Meme

2009-08-06T11:45:00.003-04:00

1. Grab the book nearest you. Right now.
2. Turn to page 56.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post that sentence along with these instructions in your LiveJournal.
5. Don't dig for your favorite book, the coolest, the most intellectual. Use the CLOSEST.

"His plans are far from ripe, I think, but they are ripening."

There isn't a chance that any of you will get this one (without googling, *ahem, Sarah*)unless you know what I've been reading this week.

Happy Day

2009-08-04T12:57:00.004-04:00

Well, there you go. It only took me a day!

I'm in a great mood today, probably because I got a check in the mail to pay off a loan - that's always a great feeling! Plus, our awesome small group from Boston is headed down here on Friday - it is going to be so great to see them! In fact, our August is full of fun people coming to visit - Brian and Amy, Angelin, Jon and Kate (not the "Plus 8" ones)... I am really glad that it is August - and I think my new blog look shows it!

Did I mention that I applied for the substitute teaching position? I haven't heard anything yet, but I'm not sure that MIT has sent them my transcript yet, even though I'm pretty sure it's been four weeks since I asked them to and they cashed my check two weeks ago! Oh, MIT... How hard can it be to send a transcript?

P.S. I read in Good Housekeeping last month about this guy who is trying to help people stop complaining, and has them switch a bracelet from arm to arm every time they do so. The woman who wrote the article started out with about 100 switches in the first day... I think I would have more than that (although maybe not, since I only get to speak out loud for about 5 hours each day). Her conclusion was that complaining is too ingrained in her way of life, and that it helps her bond with the people she loves. I think I just found my new best friend.

August is here

2009-08-03T11:13:00.002-04:00

Okay, okay, so it's August and I don't have a new blog look up yet... I just haven't felt like sitting down and creating! Maybe my creative juices will be more active sometime later this week.

I know that I have gotten incredibly boring recently, and my only excuse is that my life is incredibly boring right now! I don't have a child to report on, or a pregnancy to update you all about, and I am positive that you don't want to hear about how my Lord of the Rings Online character is doing... So I haven't been around much! Hopefully in the next month or two one of those situations will change (hint, hint, I'd love to get pregnant again soon!), but we'll have to wait and see.